NEJI'S THERAPY
Summary: Neji's antics have him sent to a psychiatrist's office and his shrink is…Kakashi? A humor fic.
Disclaimer: I've told you once, I've told you a thousand times; ..Naruto.
It was springtime again and that meant cherry blossoms fluttering on the slightest breeze, festivals galore and happy couples walking around hand in hand sighing every so often…honestly, it made him nauseous.
Hyuuga Neji was not known for his idealistic and optimistic view on life. The stoic jounin didn't understand why everyone made such a big deal about his general outlook on existence, he was just being realistic after-all; they should thank him for it. Sure, he had gained a bit of emotional stability and no longer believed in that 'fate cannot be changed' nonsense anymore, but that didn't mean that he wouldn't point out the odds in a situation when he thought it necessary. Like last week when he told the newly minted chuunin on his team for a combat-heavy mission that he was weak and shouldn't fight because he would die. The fool however, had gone ahead to fight and was currently in the hospital, healing from grievous wounds.
He had been right but people had the gall to say that it was his fault, that if he hadn't insinuated the chuunin was useless, he wouldn't have had the urge to prove himself. Frankly, he failed to see how it was his fault; he had insinuated no such thing and he wasn't to blame if the man had been too dense to see the truth for himself. But even Hokage-sama had said his empathy needed work and so he was being ordered to see a psychiatrist in order to improve his 'human understanding.' They said it would help develop his teamwork but seriously, what did they think he was, an emotionless freak who had no understanding of other people's feelings? Please.
Ignoring his misgivings however, he arrived at the appointed room in time and after knocking stiffly, opened the door to his therapist's office.
"Kakashi?" he asked, surprise evident on his face.
"That will be Kakashi-sensei to you Neji-kun, seeing as I am your psychiatrist. Have a seat," the older jounin said lazily.
Neji stared, he couldn't help it. This had to be some kind of sick prank; maybe Naruto was behind it…if he was Neji was going to kill him.
"This must be a joke. You're not qualified for this, I'm leaving," he said, turning his back on the other man.
"Ah, typical," Kakashi sighed. "Well, you're wrong on both accounts. All ANBU are required to have general knowledge on human psychiatry so I am qualified for this; plus I'm afraid that if you don't attend, you will be stripped of your jounin rank. We can't have unstable ninja taking on high-risk missions you know, Hyuuga-san."
The dark-haired jounin clenched his fists at the veiled jibe; well, he had a few up his sleeve as well. He didn't have time for this nonsense so maybe if he was as brutal as possible, it would end soon.
"This is a waste of time; I can't take advice from a man who couldn't stop his own student from becoming a homicidal egotistic maniac." That had to get the man to back down.
Instead Kakashi closed his one visible eye as if smiling, tilted his head slightly and said: "You two appear to have that in common. I seem to recall having to stop you from a psychotic rage where you almost killed your sweet cousin for a mere exam. Now sit down so we can start Neji-kun."
Touché.
The Hyuuga was a proud man, but even he had to admit when he was beat, so he walked to the sofa opposite the copy ninja and sat down, eyes glaring at the silver-haired jounin. Hey, he had admitted defeat but that didn't mean he had to like it.
"Now, do you know why you're here?"
Neji had to fight the urge to roll his eyes and just continued glaring at the man instead. Maybe if he didn't say anything, this would be over quickly.
"No? It's understandable if thinking is not one of your strong suits. Alright then, I'll tell you; You're here because you're an idiot." Kakashi said this in a soft even tone as if he truly believed it was the truth and this had Neji clenching his fists again; the nerve of the man.
"What?"
"You don't believe me? Only a fool would actively destroy his team's dynamics by encouraging his teammates to develop inferiority complexes."
"I did no such thing," Neji said, genuinely puzzled at the accusations.
"Oh? Well then, let's see here. You constantly call Lee idiotic, don't pay Tenten any attention other than to crush her in your sparring matches and glare at everyone around you whether they deserve it or not – kind of like what you're doing now. Not to mention the recent incident with that poor chuunin, whose hasty actions were as a result of your disapproval…"
"There's nothing wrong with telling the truth," the dark-haired shinobi said as he broke his glower and reached for one of two glasses of water.
"Of-course you do realize that this just means no one really wants to be with you since that stick up your rear seems immovable and just about ruins any sense of teamwork in whatever squad you're in?"
"The team-dynamic in my gennin squad was well balanced and Gai-sensei had no problem with my performance," Neji retorted.
"I wouldn't say that's something to be proud of; Gai also has no problem whatsoever with walking around in tight green spandex jumpsuits."
Did this man make it his mission in life to irritate everyone?
"What I'm saying is that it doesn't help when you strut around showing everyone that you couldn't care less about them. You just might need them one day or they could grow strong enough to pound you into a pulp; either way, I'd be careful if I were you Neji-kun."
"Hn." He did not strut.
"The capacity of your vocabulary is as astounding as ever. So, now that we've delved a bit into your social life, let's talk about your personal life," Kakashi said, fixing him with a flat stare.
"What does that have to do with anything?" Neji practically snapped. All those nonchalant taunts were starting to rub him the wrong way.
"You'd be surprised how much information can be garnered from your familial interactions, sleeping and eating habits, time you spend alone and even your sexual activities."
Neji choked on his water, spluttering as he tried to not spit the rest of it out. "What?"
Kakashi stared at him for a moment before the questioning look in his eye turned to something more knowing.
"What, was it my last example that startled you Neji-kun? Hmm, I would think a genius like you would know about sex. Well, you know what they say, 'common-sense isn't so common.' Here, let me explain what it is," Kakashi said as he reached for one of his orange books.
"I know what sex is you pervert!" Neji snapped when he was finally able to speak. Thank God that was before the copy ninja could read out loud from his pornographic book.
"Touchy. All I'm asking for is a little helpful information on your sex-life, or lack thereof from the looks of your reaction. Which is rather strange you know, considering you're almost 23 years old."
Neji just glared at the man, all witty retorts gone from his head as he wondered at the raw audacity.
"Ah, yes. That infamous Hyuuga glare; your clan is particularly good at conveying murderous thoughts with their eyes, I think it could be classed as a second bloodline limit don't you think? Now about your sex life…"
"How is that information useful?" Neji asked in the hopes of stopping the other man from spewing more nonsense. He had to keep the situation as professional as he could, but Kakashi was being difficult – not that the blush he was sure was on his face was helping either.
"I'm glad you asked Neji-kun. Frustration in personal relationships usually causes people to lash out at innocents. An example can be taken from your previous attempt to kill your cousin due to the anger you had towards her father. I wonder if those psychotic rages of yours happen often though."
The stoic silver-eyed jounin cringed at this; damn that man for bringing that up again. His thoughts were cut short however when Kakashi continued speaking.
"Well, if you're experiencing sexual tension, say with that cute teammate of yours, then chances are that it'll turn into frustration which you'll express on your unfortunate comrades. That doesn't mean you go all psycho and try to kill her just coz she said 'no' though."
" What? Where are you getting all of this from anyway, there's nothing going on between Tenten and I," Neji said as he rubbed his temples and fought valiantly to keep his face from going red – it was a losing battle, but he was trying at-least. He felt a headache coming on.
"And that is entirely your fault. The fact that you cannot bring yourself to tell her how you feel is highly indicative of your emotional constipation. You'd be surprised exactly how much Gai will let slip on one of his rare drinking challenges; that's if you're wondering how I know so much about you"
"I am not and you do not," the Hyuuga replied curtly. This had gone far enough, he was not going to engage in the other man's idiocy.
"Still in denial are we? Well, then maybe this may be more helpful to you: what I'm saying also comes from first-hand experience. I too, was once an emotionless freak who had no understanding of other people's feelings after-all," Kakashi said, his eye closed good-naturedly and sounding for the entire world like he was having a friendly conversation and not delving into his largely unknown past with a near stranger.
Neji stared at him, not glared, just gazed at him thoughtfully. Maybe, just maybe he was a little too blunt and perhaps that was not a good thing…but how was he supposed to change that anyway? He looked at his 'psychiatrist' and wondered if what the man had said about his past was true and if it was, how had he transitioned from that to the…uh…'person' he was at that point? Perhaps this was not so bad after all and could be helpful in…
"Well, I see I'm starting to grow on you Hyuuga-san, you're no longer using that second bloodline limit on me."
Forget it! This was pointless, Kakashi was an absolute lunatic.
"You are a complete and total…"
"Well, that's it for now, make sure you attend the session tomorrow as well and trust me, by the end of the month, you'll be less of a stick in the mud and maybe we might braid each other's hair at the end of the day. Yours needs some work though, try the hairdresser," Kakashi said loudly and gaily before poofing off to God knew where.
Neji just sat there, completely aghast. A month? If he spent that much time with the copy ninja, he would be ready to kill himself before long. He'd just found another reason why he would hate that springtime.
…wait, what about his hair?
A/N: This was a random plot that just hit me as I was watching House, so I typed it out as fast as I could. Well, that's that then review and tell me what you think.