Title: Desk Duty
Rating: K+
Disclaimer: If I could make money off this, I would quit my day job in a second.
Spoilers: Through 7x13
A/N: My entry for the August Mentalist Art Challenge. This story is pure silliness.
xxx
Jane paced anxiously in Abbott's office. Where the hell was the man? Jane had urgent business to discuss with him. What was he doing running around worrying about all those stupid criminals when there were far more important matters at hand?
"Patrick," Abbott greeted him as he entered his office. "There you are. I was just looking for you."
"Not now," Jane impatiently. "I can't think about murder at the moment. I have something important to discuss with you."
Abbott regarded him, taking note of Jane's agitated demeanor. "Actually, the matter I wanted to discuss with you isn't about a case. I wanted to talk to you about something more personal in nature."
"Okay, fine," Jane said, not troubling to conceal his impatience. "But let me go first."
"Very well." Abbott gestured for him to take a seat in one of his guest chairs and took a seat in his own chair behind the desk. "What can I do for you?"
Jane took the proffered seat, but as soon as he had, Abbott wondered if it would have been better to let the man keep pacing. He fairly buzzed with nervous energy. His knee bounced nervously and he twisted his new wedding ring on his finger in an unconscious display of nerves.
Abbott watched him, half concerned, half amused. This kind of behavior was unusual for Jane, the man with the unshakable poker face. The only times Abbott had ever seen him get this worked up about anything had been when it had something to do with—
Oh, no. Abbott tensed.
Jane took a deep breath. "It's about Lisbon," he began.
Abbott's stomach clenched. "What about her?"
Jane fidgeted. "Well, with her due date coming up in September and all… I've been thinking maybe…" He cleared his throat. "Don't you think it's time she cut back on the field work a bit?"
"I couldn't agree more," Abbott said, relaxing. "I'm glad you brought this up. This is exactly what I wanted to talk to you about, actually."
"Great," Jane said, relieved. "So you'll ask her?"
Abbott stared at him. "You want me to ask Lisbon to go on desk duty?"
Jane blinked. "Well… yeah. That's why I wanted to talk to you." He frowned. "I thought we were on the same page."
Abbott looked at him incredulously. "I can't ask her. I'm her boss. I wanted to talk to you to see if you could ask her."
"I can't ask her," Jane said, equally incredulous. "I'm her husband."
Abbott nodded. "Yes. And as such, you are better suited to raise sensitive personal subjects."
"Are you crazy?" Jane demanded. "Have you met Lisbon? She already thinks I'm being ridiculously overprotective about every other aspect of this pregnancy thing. If I push her on this, it might be the thing that causes her to snap and clobber me over the head with some piece of baby equipment."
Abbott shook his head. "I'm sorry, man. I can't help you. There are legal considerations involved."
"What legal considerations?" Jane scoffed.
"I'm her supervising agent," Abbott said primly. "I can't just go around suggesting to my agents that their health is too delicate for them to engage in field work. It's a lawsuit waiting to happen."
"Oh, please," Jane said, unimpressed. "The law has nothing to do with this. All you'd have to do would be to perhaps gently…inquire when she is thinking of going on desk duty. You can blame it on paperwork. I'm sure there's some form you have to file for this sort of thing."
Abbott could just imagine how that conversation would go. "No way."
"You're just scared of asking her," Jane accused.
Abbott wasn't going to let that pass unchallenged. He was not scared of one petite (though admittedly formidable) agent who happened to work for him. He opened his mouth to defend himself. "So are you!"
"Of course I am!" Jane said, exasperated. "Why do you think I came here in the first place?"
"Face it, man," Abbott said, his voice heavy with defeat. "We're just going to have to wait for her to bring it up on her own."
Jane's shoulders slumped. "I don't know what to do," he said miserably. "It's not good for her. She's so tired all the time, but she doesn't want to admit it to herself. I know she'd never do anything to put the baby at risk, but you know Lisbon. She thinks she's superwoman. I'm afraid she doesn't realize how much this is taking out of her."
"Can't you just, you know, gently hint…?" Abbott inquired.
Jane coughed lightly. "The thing is…. well, I may have done a few things in the past that could potentially have been construed as, ah, interfering with her career."
Abbott wondered if he was referring to setting in motion the chain of events that had led to the dismantling of the organization she worked for, manipulating the FBI into rather aggressively recruiting her, or simply the impact of his typical horse's assery on the trajectory of her career in general. Or more recently, his efforts to keep her from harm's way by purposefully sidelining her from the action. For his part, he was betting on the latter.
Jane cleared his throat. "Anyway, it's kind of a touchy subject. And now I'm trying to do the supportive husband thing, so I was really hoping you could just mention—"
Abbott shook his head. "Sorry, man. I feel for you, I really do. But there's no way I'm asking your wife to go on desk duty for you."
Jane scowled. "Fine."
He said the word in a tone that caused Abbott to feel that if he wasn't careful, he had reason to fear he might find his desk drawers filled with live eels one of these days.
Abbott raised an eyebrow, strongly tempted to remind him that if he hadn't lent him his car keys at a critical moment, his lovely wife might very well have gone to DC and married another man, rendering this entire discussion moot.
Recognizing, however, that putting voice to this thought was likely to yield far worse than eels, he decided to seek a mutually agreeable solution. "Don't worry. I have an idea."
He got up and went to the door. He stuck his head out into the hall and called to his soon to be successor. "Cho, could you come in here for a moment?"
Cho came in. Abbott took his seat at his desk again. "Have a seat," he said, gesturing to the second guest chair.
Cho's eyes flicked back and forth between Jane and Abbott. He remained standing. "What's up?"
Abbott cleared his throat. "I have a, ah, somewhat delicate assignment for you."
"Okay," Cho said, folding his arms across his chest.
"Cho, you're a stellar agent," Abbott began. "An incredible asset in the field."
"Thanks," Cho said tersely.
"But when you're a supervisor, you'll learn that being the boss isn't always about the next big bust. A big part of the job is dealing with personnel issues," Abbott went on. "Sometimes that element of the job requires a certain amount of… finesse. You have a lot of experience taking down bad guys, but you haven't had to deal much with the interpersonal stuff. Since you'll be taking over for me soon, I thought this would be a good opportunity for you to start handling some of the regular day to day personnel issues."
Cho looked suspicious. "What exactly are you asking me to do?"
Abbott searched for a tactful way of phrasing his request. "Well, you see, it's like this—"
"He wants you to ask Lisbon to go on desk duty," Jane interrupted, cutting to the chase.
"Yeah," Cho said. "I'm not doing that."
"Come on, man," Jane pleaded. "She likes you. If you do it, there's very little chance that it will end in maiming or some kind of permanent disfigurement."
"No way."
Jane abandoned all pretense of reasoned persuasion. "I can make it worth your while," he said desperately.
Cho paused. "How much?"
"A hundred bucks."
Cho shook his head. "No deal."
"Five hundred," Jane countered.
"No."
"A thousand."
Abbott looked at Jane, incredulous. A thousand dollars?
Cho considered. "A thousand bucks, just to ask her?"
The consultant didn't blink. "Yes."
"Okay," Cho said. "But I want the cash up front."
"Done," Jane said, relieved. In his opinion, he'd gotten the better end of the deal by far.
Cho held his hand out. Jane reached into his pocket and counted out the bills.
"You always carry that much cash around?" Abbott asked, still incredulous.
Jane shrugged. "I thought it might come up."
Damn, Abbott thought. He should have worked that angle. He'd been wanting to surprise Lena with a nice trip somewhere.
Cho pocketed the money. "Here goes." He headed towards the door.
"You're going to do it now?" Abbott said, startled. Cho was even braver than he thought.
Cho shrugged. "No time like the present."
He walked out into the bullpen.
Abbott looked at Jane. "Won't that look a little suspicious?"
"Only if we betray our cool by following him out there," Jane said confidently.
"So all we have to do is stay put and she won't suspect?"
"Exactly."
That wouldn't be so hard. Abbott sat back and steepled his fingers, settling in to wait. Jane leaned back and crossed his legs in a studied effort to demonstrate a state of relaxation.
They lasted about ten seconds.
Then their eyes met and they wordlessly scrambled for the door.
"Behind here," Jane hissed to Abbott, gesturing to a pillar outside the office. He pulled Abbott behind it with him just as Cho reached Lisbon's desk.
"Hey, Lisbon."
"Hey, Cho," she greeted him.
He nodded to the stack of files on her desk. "You wrapping up the report on the Silverstein case?"
"Yeah. Should have it done by this afternoon."
"Thanks."
"No problem."
Cho crossed his arms over his chest. "You decide when you're going to put in the paperwork to go on non-active field duty yet?"
She nodded. "The end of this week, probably."
"Sorry you're going to be stuck on desk duty. That sucks."
"Tell me about it." Her hand unconsciously went to her just rounded belly. "It'll be worth it, though."
"You sure about that?" Cho asked, deadpan. "It is a Jane baby."
She smiled. "I'll take my chances. I'm pretty experienced at wrangling unruly Janes by this point."
"Fair enough," Cho agreed.
"Hey, you'll be godfather, won't you?" Lisbon said. "I've been meaning to ask you."
"I'd be honored," Cho said.
"Great. I'll let Jane know."
Jane waited, but nothing more was forthcoming. He stuck his head out from behind the pillar. "That's it?" he said, incredulous.
Lisbon raised her eyebrows as he emerged from behind the pillar. Abbott trailed after him, looking sheepish. "What's it?"
"No scolding? No yelling?" Jane said, disgruntled. "You already planned to put in for desk duty? I didn't need to plot or scheme for it to happen?"
She rolled her eyes. "Of course I planned to go on desk duty. What did you think, that I would keep running down perps til I was ready to pop? I knew I'd have to take myself off active duty for the baby's sake eventually." She made a face. "Besides, they don't exactly make maternity sized Kevlar."
"I can't believe you didn't tell me," Jane said, put out. "I've been worrying myself sick over this."
"Why would I do that?" she asked sweetly. "This way, I could profit from it. Speaking of which…" She turned to Cho. "Pay up."
To Jane and Abbott's astonishment, Cho pulled out the wad of bills Jane had just given him and counted off six hundred bucks. "Here you go," he said, handing the cash to Lisbon.
"Thanks," Lisbon said.
"What the hell?" Jane spluttered.
Abbott had to admit he was taking a good deal of pleasure at the sight of the con man realizing he'd been thoroughly had.
Cho looked at him. "She figured it was only a matter of time before you resorted to bribing one of us to convince her to go on desk duty sooner rather than later. She came to me and told me she'd pretend to let me convince her if I agreed to share the profit. Offered a fifty-fifty split."
"But you gave her six hundred. Jane only gave you a thousand," Abbott pointed out.
"That was because of a little side action we had going," Lisbon informed him. "My money was on Jane cracking before the end of the week."
"I figured he'd last til the end of the month," Cho said. "Thought he'd try a few more schemes before going straight for the payoff."
"How could you do this to me?" Jane demanded of Lisbon. "I'm your husband!"
"It's not my fault you were too cowardly to ask me yourself," Lisbon said, utterly without remorse.
Wylie came in then. "Hey, guys!" he said cheerfully. "Did I miss anything exciting while I was gone?"
"Not much," Lisbon said. "Jane had a little nutty. No big deal."
"Ah," Wylie said wisely. "About the desk duty thing?"
"Yep," Lisbon confirmed.
"Thought so," Wylie said. He looked at Cho. "So guess you owe me twenty bucks, huh?"
Cho sighed and got out his wallet again.
Xxx
Predictably, Lisbon detested desk duty.
She was decidedly grumpy whenever Jane and Cho went out into the field and left her behind. She chafed at missing the action. Watched enviously whenever she saw Cho strap his gun into its holster. She developed a habit of gazing with longing at tactical units as they geared up.
Fortunately, she had Wylie to keep her company in the bullpen. She started asking him to teach her some skills on the computer to alleviate her boredom. Wylie was delighted. He showed her a few tricks, and set her to decrypting codes in their down time. Lisbon was rather pleased with her progress. She was no Van Pelt, but she learned a thing or two. At least desk duty wasn't a complete waste of time.
Jane grew rather jealous of the time she and Wylie spent together while the rest of the team was in the field. The first time he saw Lisbon give Wylie a grateful smile after he fetched her some disgusting concoction from a food truck halfway across town, he nearly brimmed over with jealousy. He was supposed to be the one catering to her every craving. Lisbon told him he was being silly, but Jane resolved that at the first sign Wylie showed of googling infant related safety products, he would hypnotize the junior agent into thinking he was a duck. Only for a few days. Just to put him in his place. A week, maximum.
To make up for missing out on the action, Cho set Lisbon to interrogating the suspects they brought back from their trips into the field. Lisbon, usually cranky about not having had the opportunity to participate in the bust, turned steely eyes on them and let them feel the full extent of her pent up frustration. It turned out that many of their suspects found the experience of being interrogated by a pissed off pregnant woman highly disconcerting. She secured an impressive number of confessions.
This wasn't enough to completely make up for the itch to be out in the field, however. Jane grew accustomed to allowing her to work her physical frustrations out on him each night when they got home. Not that he was complaining. If serving as Lisbon's love slave went even a small way towards making up for all the things she was missing due to the pregnancy, he was only too happy to help.
Physical frustrations aside, however, she still got tired easily. Jane tried to persuade her to rest on his couch, but she resisted, insisting that there was already enough unprofessional behavior in their family with him around. Someone needed to leaven the mix by behaving with some modicum of professional pride. It was only when Cho caught her with her eyes drooping at her desk and informed her tersely that he expected her to get all the extra rest she needed that she finally unbent a little on this point. At Cho's insistence, she started taking naps on Jane's couch. Jane had to admit that the sight of her curled up on his old couch, hands tucked beneath her head and dark eyelashes resting against her cheeks filled him with all sorts of warm, fuzzy feelings he wouldn't have imagined himself capable of not so many years before.
Aside from the hated desk duty, Lisbon found she didn't mind being pregnant. She couldn't believe how tired she got, and she was definitely looking forward to her clothes fitting properly again, but she was thrilled and amazed that she had a new life inside her. For so many years, she'd thought she'd never have this opportunity, to have a family of her own. She was so grateful she'd been wrong. She couldn't wait to meet the tiny being inside her.
True, desk duty did suck. A lot. But she had so much to be thankful for. She ran her hand over her belly and bit her tongue whenever she was tempted to complain.
xxx
The night the baby was born, Jane crawled into the hospital bed next to his lovely wife. She held their newborn daughter in her arms.
"She's so beautiful," Jane whispered, tracing his fingertip along one small, soft cheek.
"Yeah," Lisbon agreed, gazing at the perfect pink bundle in her arms. "She is." She couldn't take her eyes off her.
Jane yawned and rested his chin on his wife's shoulder, deciding this was the best vantage point from which to admire the exquisite features of their gorgeous little girl. "You were amazing."
"I gotta say," Lisbon said, bending her head closer and letting her daughter curl her tiny fist around her finger. "That hurt more than getting shot."
He reached up and kissed her jaw. "So brave."
Lisbon kissed him back, then returned her attentions to her daughter. The little one yawned, her mouth stretching into a perfect tiny 'o.' Lisbon smiled in delight.
Jane's heart swelled, watching the two of them.
"Guess you'll be happy to finally get off desk duty, huh?" he said idly, still entranced by the sight of their daughter, whole and perfect before him.
"Yeah. It'll be a couple more months, though," Lisbon said without taking her eyes off the baby.
"Sorry you had to go all through all that," Jane said. "I know it was a pain."
"Believe me," Lisbon said, never taking her eyes off the beautiful creature in her arms. "It was worth it."
Xxx