Author's Note: Hey all! I hope you enjoy this parody I wrote ^-^ I do not own any characters affiliated with the Archer tv series, or Mamma Mia which I am parodying. This is for entertainment purposes ONLY
Archer-Mia!
An attractive man in his mid thirties stands on the dirty sidewalk in front of the post box; the yellow halo of light from the street lamp above illuminates him as he pulls three envelopes from the inner pocket of his expensive suit jacket.
"I have a dream,
I softly sing,
That helps me cope,
Through anything…"
"…or however the rest of that stupid song goes…" He murmurs to himself, his rich, baritone voice echoing down the empty street. "Well, here goes, Nikolai Jakov, Len Trexler, and Buddy Rich." He stated, listing off the names on the envelope and inserting them into the post box. Exhaling a heavy sigh, he turned around and walked back in the direction of his penthouse apartment.
*Two Weeks Later*
Archer strolled into the ISIS headquarters looking incredibly pleased with himself, and why shouldn't he? He's Sterling-Fucking-Archer! Super spy extraordinaire! Handsome, rich, and to top it all off, he had just had Woodhouse eat an entire bowl of cobwebs! Yes, today was looking good; especially since he had received RSVPs from all three of the invitees, stating that they would be attending his wedding. Now all he had to do was pull together a wedding in two days. Easy.
Reaching his semi-circle of co-workers, he got to work regaling them with the great news.
"Hey guys! Guess who's gonna meet his real father?!" He shouted in a sing-song voice.
"Say what now?" Replied Cyril incredulously
"Yeah, that's right! I invited all of mother's exes to my 'wedding', and while they're here I'm gonna figure out which one's my father. GENIUS! I KNOW!" He cried out. "And the best part? THEY ALL THINK MOTHER INVITED THEM! ISN'T THAT HILARIOUS?!" Howled Archer, practically crying from laughter.
"Ha! That is funny! It'll be even funnier when Malory finds out and kills you." retorted Lana wryly.
"Uh mother's not going to kill me, because she isn't going to find out. And I'm counting on all of you to make sure that doesn't happen. Pam." He replied solemnly, pointing his finger sternly at the HR Director, already starting to sweat under the pressure "I mean it Pam. Not a word."
"Ok! Ok! Not a peep!" Pam assured him hastily, hands flying up defensively.
"Good. Look, I even went all-out on the invitations to make it look real." Archer continued, pulling out an elegant looking card from his jacket pocket. Everyone leaned in to read it. Everyone was impressed, except, for Lana.
"Hey Archer! Why the hell, is my name, ON THE INVITATION?!" Lana shrieked at Sterling.
"Well duh, who else is gonna pretend-marry me? Katya's out of the picture, what with being hitched up with Barry 'the-bionic-douche-bag'!" He retorted back; he really wasn't appreciating her attitude.
"AWHA—? GRRRAHHH THAT IS SOO YOU! THAT IS JUST CLASSIC YOU! MAKING UP SOME STUPID EXCUSE, JUST TO MARRY ME!" She continued unrelentingly.
"WHAT?! ME?! I HAD TO MAKE IT LOOK LEGIT, LANA! AND WHY ARE WE SHOUTING?!" He really didn't like unnecessary shouting.
"Because you're a moron!" Quipped Ray, still admiring the stationery and embossing. "Ooh! Ooh! I could officiate like at your last wedding!" cried Ray with glee.
"Hahaha! Thanks Gillette, but isn't that…a crime against…Jesus…or whatever" mocked Archer,
"Hey!"
"I said no."
"…Dukes"
"So, yeah, Lana. You gonna…" started Archer
"NU-UH! NOOOOPE! Not in a million years!" Lana shouted, cutting him off,
"Aww c'mon Lana! JUST BE MY PRETEND WIFE FOR, LIKE, 3 HOURS!" he screamed/ pleaded
"NUUUUPE!" she whooped back
"Oh! Oh! I'll do it!" chimed in Pam.
The room went silent.
Lana heaved a great sigh and complied. "Ok fine, I'll do it." A part of her died a little on the inside as she uttered the phrase as Archer did a little victory dance, screaming at the top of his lungs.
"Ugh, God. So I take it we don't have much time to plan this wedding?" asked Lana dejectedly.
"TWO DAYS! ISN'T THAT HILARIOUS?!" shrieked Archer, to the point of tears once more.
"TWO DAYS?! YOU CAN'T PLAN A WEDDING IN TWO DAYS!" Hollered Cheryl/Carol
"THAT'S INSANE!" joined in Lana
"Hey speak for yourselves! Woodhouse is going to take care of all the decorating, because what else is he good for?" He chuckled "And we're gonna have the ceremony on my balcony again; because, in case you hadn't noticed, this entire thing is a farce ya know. Jeez Lana." He chided in a mocking tone.
"Wow Archer, it kinda seems like you've thought this plan through…" commented Cryil
"THANK YOU CYRIL! AT LEAST SOMEONE NOTICED!" replied Sterling enthusiastically.
"WHAT IN THE HELL IS GOING ON IN HERE?! DON'T YOU PEOPLE HAVE WORK TO DO?!" roared the she-devil, emerging from her office, Tom Collins already in hand. "You all better have a good reason for lollygagging on company time." Malory seethed, eyeing each and every one of her useless employees loitering about.
"Oh mother! How nice to…see you?" lamely attempted Sterling
"Pam?" demanded Ms. Archer
"Don't Pam!" countered Sterling, as Pam's eyes started darting back forth between the two. They all knew Pam's resolve couldn't hold for very long under intense scrutiny. And it didn't.
"OKAY! OKAY! -CREATED –FAKE- WEDDING-INVITATIONS-TO-HIS-AND-LANA'S-MADE-UP-WEDDING-AND-SENT-THEM-OUT-TO-ALL-YOUR-FORMER-LOVERS-IN-AN-ATTEMPT-TO-FIND-OUT-WHO-HIS-REAL-FATHER-IS-BECAUSE-HE-FEELS-THAT-A-PART-OF-HIM-IS-MISSING-AND-CREATING-A-GIANT-BLACK-HOLE-OF-LONELINESS-AND-EMPTINESS!" blurted out Pam in one breath, panting heavily from the exertion. Malory stood stunned, but not for long.
"STERLING MALORY ARCHER! This is LOW! Even for your standards!" She hollered at her son, " I mean, what do you think this is?! Mamma Mia?!"
"YES MOTHER! THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT THIS IS! BECAUSE A MAN SHOULD KNOW WHO HIS FATHER IS!" Sterling hollered back.
"Mamma Mia! Here I go again!
My, my, how can I resist ya?"
"Ray, don't make me shoot you." Warned Sterling darkly
"Go right ahead! You won't hit me while Brett's in the building!" chuckled Ray, continuing his merry ditty with the inclusion of Jazz Hands and pas-de-barres. (Mamma Mia! Does it show again?)
"Oh God, I need another drink." Concluded Malory, resigning herself to her office. (My! My! Just how much I missed ya!)
"Well that went surprisingly well," deemed Sterling, (Yes, I've been broken-hearted!) "Would you knock it off already…um…whoever-the-lead-singer-of-ABBA-is!"
"Blue, since the day we parted!" Chimed in Pam, and Cheryl/Carol. "Why? Why? Did I ever let you go?!" sang all three obnoxiously; Sterling raised his gun threateningly, enough to arise a "What the shit?!" from the trio.
"Right, now in order to pull this off, I'm gonna need help from Cyril, Krieger, and Ken-doll over here." He stated, gesturing lastly to Ray, "You guys down?"
Day 1 - 5 p.m.
"Uh Archer? I uh…I-I really don't like the sound of this plan." Floundered Cyril, fidgeting with his glasses.
"C'mon Cyril, relax! It's going to be fine! There are four of us, and three of them. Besides, they're old! We can totally take them!" explained Sterling in an excited manner.
He was looking forward to today; for today was the day his fathers were to arrive. Lana sat at the bar, rolling her eyes at her imposter fiancé when there arrived a knock at the door. As Woodhouse shuffled over to the door, Archer queued a quick "Positions!", where everybody scrambled into their concocted poses: Sterling, slightly leaning against the couch in view of the door; Lana, draping herself along Archer in a mock embrace of romantic bliss; Cyril, sitting comfortably in the corner of the adjacent couch; Krieger, standing in front of the mantelpiece turned slightly to the left; and Ray, leaning against the mantelpiece turned slightly to the right in mock conversation with Krieger.
"Welcome!" shouted everyone in unison as Woodhouse ushered the three gentlemen into the spacious, Manhattan penthouse.
"Oh my! Vhat a lovely home you have, Sterrlingk!" cried out the head of the KGB, Nikolai Jakov, removing his coat and handing his bag over to the man-servant.
"Mm yes, yes. Lovely, Rabbert and I adore these kinds of homes, especially Rabbert." Agreed Mr. Len Trexler, looking about him distractedly while carrying his pet in his arm.
"Very spacious indeed, looks like you could get some good acoustics in here. Sterling Archer I presume? Buddy Rich, pleasure to make your acquaintance. And this must be your lovely fiancé." Commented the musician, extending his hand towards the happy "couple".
"Oh wow!" Started Archer, "Mr. Rich, it's an honour to meet you!" he continued somewhat dumbfounded
"Oh yes, thank you all soo much for coming! Especially on such short notice; I imagine you all have very busy schedules." greeted Lana warmly, "My name is Lana Kane, oops! Kane, soon-to-be Archer! Silly me." She cajoled, warmly shaking Mr. Rich's hand in-turn. Archer, having regained his composure, introduced the rest of the guests as his "groomsmen".
"So Sterrlingk, vill vee be stayyingk herre vhile vee vait for dah vedding?" inquired the Russian.
"Oh, yeah, don't worry about that. I've got, like, five bedrooms and seven couches or something ridiculous like that. Besides, with any luck, you won't even get to sleep because tonight…WE'RE GOING OUT FOR MY BACHELOR PARTY! WOOOOO!" crescendoed Archer. "Picture it now, gentlemen! An ENTIRE night! Booze, Boobs, Blow, you name it, we're doing it!" he crowed, Lana couldn't help a mild grunt of disgust.
"Well, you boys have fun!" she tittered, and proceeded to leave the room and wait out their departure. *Men* she thought to herself.
Day 1 – 11p.m.
The steady beat of techno was deafening in the strip club that accommodated the seven gentlemen for their third tour of duty that night. Strobe lights, disco balls, and mirrored floors; it was everything that Archer could ever want in a strip club, and the other two hadn't disappointed either.
"Alright! Ladies! Tonight is my last night of freedom! Where's the free lap dances at?!" Roared Archer, tossing both his fists into the air.
"Tell me again why we have to strip-club-hop? Couldn't we have just gone to a, uh, sports bar or, uh, something?" whined Cyril "This environment isn't very conducive to recovering from my condition, ya know Archer."
"Hah! You mean, you coming up with a lame excuse for being a pervert?" quipped Ray.
"Hey now! Sex-addiction is a very real, and very serious condition!" proclaimed Cyril, as the group made their way over to the stage.
"Knock it off you two, remember the real reason why we're here," chided Sterling
"Yes, Archer's right, does everybody ha—"
"We're here to have me drink shots out of belly buttons and motorboat half-naked women! Wooo!" shouted Archer, completely cutting Cyril off; this response naturally lead to eye rolling and various sighs from the troupe.
And so the evening progressed as it had at the two previous clubs; with shots, shots, and more shots, various private dances, and lots of drunken tomfoolery. The three "special" guests were already considerably drunk to begin with, so it was only a matter of time before the plan was to be executed. Each of the "groomsmen" was assigned a target (Cyril: "Why do I get Buddy Rich?!"), and waited to accompany them to the men's room.
"So, how did everybody dooo?" asked Krieger genially, as they convened later on that evening; Archer was still by the stage thoroughly enjoying himself, tie wrapped around his head and empty bottles strewn around their table,
"Well, mine was a success," started Ray. "Was able to clip off a bunch of Jakov's hair while he was ralphing in a stall, ugh, and I also got a blood sample from the mirror he face-planted into." Continued Ray, slightly disgusted.
"Well I'm glad you had such an easy time of it!" cried out Cyril "I was greeted with a punch in the face!"
"Ouch!"
"Yikes!"
"Is that why you look like you just lost a fight with a doorknob?!" asked Ray with almost genuine concern.
"Yeah! Buddy rich is really mean guys." Pouted Cyril
"Sooo…did you get a sample…?" inquired Krieger awkwardly
"…I managed to get scrapings from underneath my fingernails." Cyril replied dejectedly.
Everyone stood silently for a moment, techno-pop enveloping the trio.
"Well Len Trexler looks like a vegetable; I can only assume that means you were successful, Doctor Frankenstein?" Ray asked, breaking the silence.
"Hmm? Oh yes! I also gave him a tranquilizer and removed his mind-control-chip-thingy as well!" chimed Krieger very matter-of-factly, his two co-workers nodding their heads in acknowledgment.
"So…do you think he'll go back to normal?" Cyril asked in a pinched voice.
"Oh yes! Absolutely!" Krieger said distractedly. "Possibly" He continued, "…Probably not."
Day 2 – 2 a.m.
"See? Didn't I tell you this was a great idea?!" proclaimed Pam to the rest of the ISIS women present in Archer's hot tub.
"This totally reminds me of the time I lost my virginity in the tenth grade" sniggered Carol.
"You lost your virginity in a hot tub?" Lana asked curiously
"Nuh uh. I lost my virginity to my high school nemesis's boyfriend on a bench in the middle of Grand Central Station." Carol stated,
"Of course." Deadpanned Lana
"He was so rough, and strong, and he even choked me just a little bit…" Carol continued dreamily "Anyway, we kinda got arrested that day. Something to do with how it's illegal to have sex in public or something lame like that; ha! I'll never forget the look on that old couple's face!" she chuckled.
"Okaaay…" Started Lana "Pretending like I didn't just hear that; you know what Pam, you were right. This is fantastic." She cooed, sinking lower into the warm, bubbling water.
"Mmmm this is very relaxing." Agreed Mallory, taking a final sip from her drink, "WOODHOUSE!" she shrieked out.
"Another round for the ladies?" inquired the elderly butler, seemingly appearing out of nowhere.
"Mm yes," replied Mallory "Oh and Woodhouse! Would you be a dear and bring us some more strawberries?" she continued cordially.
"Right away, Miss Archer. Anything else for you lovely guests this evening?" He replied just as cordially.
"Oh, do you, by any chance, have some jazz music you can put on?" asked Lana timidly
"Of course, right away Miss Kane." And then he was off.
"Yeeeaahh," sighed Pam, stretching her arms out along the edge of the tub. "This is the life."
The sky was clear and starry as smooth jazz drifted out to the balcony, creating an air of relaxation and sophistication as the women dined on strawberries accompanied by Champaign. While laughing and gossiping amongst themselves, the distinct sound of drunk karaoke made it's way to their ears.
"What in the hell is that racket?" groaned Mallory, head reclined and eyes closed.
"Probably just some drunken idiots" mimed Lana
"Heey… isn't that Archer's voice?" asked Carol
"You know what, it does sound lik—OH FOR THE LOVE OF—WHAT ARE THEY DOING?!" exploded Mallory, sloshing water all over the balcony.
And sure enough, stumbling down the street was Archer, Nikolai, Len, and Buddy Rich. Archer still had his tie wrapped around his head; shirts were all half-tucked, and hair was completely dishevelled.
"YOU ARE THE DANCING QUEEN! YOUNG AND SWEET, ONLY SEVENTEEN!" They belched out, in between swigs of vodka from the nearly empty bottles and fits of riotous laughter. "DANCING QUEEN! FEEL THE BEAT FROM THE TAMBOURINE! OOOHH YEAAAAHHH! Yuh, I'll beat you with my *hic* tambur—tambourine"
The four men stumbled into the penthouse, giving loud, drunken assurances that "No youu—yer the—yooouuu're the pre—pur—puuurtiest!" before finding suitable places to pass out for the evening.
"Well, there goes our evening." Sighed Lana in defeat to the other three women, as the sound of snoring filled their host's apartment.
Day 2 – Noon
"Wake up JACKASS! Time to deal with the consequences of your night of drunken debauchery!" Hollered Lana, slamming to frying pans together like cymbols.
"GAHHH WHAT THE SHIT LANA?!" screamed Archer, his head pounding.
"Ahaha! That's what you get for being a pig!" *…Pam?!* Now Archer was really confused.
"Ok, so, first of all, what the hell is Pam doing in my house? Second of all…what the hell are all of you doing in my house?" asked Archer quizzically, picking himself up off the floor. As he got up he surveyed the scene before him.
The place, was completely trashed.
He could see Nikolai Jakov asleep on the bathroom floor, holding the bas of the toilet in his arms; Buddy Rich, he was precariously sprawled along the length of the bar, an empty bottle of Russian Standard, hanging loosely from one hand; and Len Trexler in a crumpled heap against the patio door, bandages wrapped around his head and looking alarmingly pale.
"Wow." Said Sterling with relative surprise, "Looks like we had some fun last night." A groan went through the conscious collective standing in his entryway.
"Oh to hell with you guys! Why are you even here anyway?!" he spat, groaning as his head continued to pound.
"We're here for the wedding! Duh!" retorted Carol.
"Yeah! How do you wanna go about this, Archer?!" seethed Lana
"Lana. Lana. Chill out. Like I said yesterday, this wedding is a farc—" "No shit"
"AND, as I was saying, as far as I'm concerned, we can just "break up" once Krieger gets us the results." stated Archer.
"So you wanna send all these dudes home after they came all the way out here to see your wedding?" asked Pam slightly aghast.
"Um…pretty much, yeah" deadpanned Archer. Another chorus of groans erupted from his co-workers. "Also, I need a Bloody Mary before anything else goes down." He continued, donning a pair of sunglasses.
"Right away, sir!" Woodhouse piped in, busily working around Buddy's unconscious frame as Krieger entered into the room.
"Alright everyone, I have the results!" the 'scientist' proclaimed, bringing the small crowd to hushed tones. Krieger cleared his throat before commencing.
"Ok, so let's see, um…inconclusive, negative, aaand inconclusive. Congratulations Archer, Buddy rich is not your father!" he said rather showman like.
"Wait, whaddya mean 'inconclusive'?" gaped Archer, mind reeling.
"Mmm ah that; yeeeah, somehow, some pig's blood got in there and contaminated the other two samples…Don't know how that happened…" Krieger responded, somewhat perplexed.
"Oh for God's sake! CAN'T YOU PEOPLE DO ANYTHING RIGHT?!" shrieked Mallory
"No, mother, it's…it's okay." Intervened Sterling, slightly dumbfounded.
"But Sterling—!"
"No …it's fine. I guess this is just the universe's way of telling me…that I'll never know." He continued glumly.
"Wel—Hey cheer up mister Archer!" started Pam in a cherry voice. "Lots'a kids grow up without knowing their dads!" She lamely continued.
"Yeah, Pam's right." Joined in Lana, grasping his shoulder affectionately.
"I know," said Mallory in an unusually gentle tone, "Let's all go to the bar and drink our sorrow's away; what do you say, Sterling?"
Archer sniffed, "You guys always know exactly what to say."
FIN