Okay, so this is a oneshot that's intended for my Kames Oneshots collection thingy, it's a request by jj3. But it's also something I planned to write anyway, which is why I'm posting it seperately. I've been working on and off at this thing for weeks now and it's finally done. Please ignore my tears..*sob*
As often happens with my work, this was largely inspired by music I listened to. Ed Sheerran, mostly. The story title is a song title, and the lyrics that break up the story are a mix of different songs. This includes wake me up, kiss me, the A team, give me love, small bump and autumn leaves. Listen to some of those if you wish...they help with the feels :P I hope you like this!
Watch me fall, Wake Me Up
My blood is drowning in alcohol, Wake Me Up
It wasn't very long after James met Kendall that he discovered he was going to die.
Kendall didn't really make any effort to hide it, anyway.
From the moment he met him, something about the blonde made him forget the world around him. Made him lose all of that baggage.
James walked into a bar on New Year's Eve. It was a hotel bar; he couldn't remember the name. He went straight to the first stool he saw, sitting down and ordering the first drink be thought of. Luckily, it was strong. He took a large gulp and gave a contented sigh, slamming the glass back down onto the counter and ordering another immediately. That was a lot better.
"You seem to be in a great mood."
James turned towards the voice, frowning. On his left sat a stranger, wearing a large black jacket. He could tell that the guy was skinny under it. He had blonde hair, almost paper white skin and green eyes. He was holding a cocktail in his hand, sipping from the straw as he looked up at him.
"I'm not. What's your point?"
He raised his eyebrows. "I dunno. I guess, talking to people always helps. Though not with that attitude. It's a bit offensive."
"Whatever," James snapped. "Lucky for you, I'm not in the mood to talk to anybody, let alone you. I just came here for a drink. Maybe ten."
The stranger shook his head, giving a small laugh and going back to his cocktail. "Okay. Have fun drowning your sorrows in alcohol."
James's head snapped to glance at the blonde who was no longer looking at him. "Who said I had any sorrows? And anyways, isn't that what you're doing?"
He shook his head, holding up his drink and replying, "It's alcohol free. I can't drink, not really." He still didn't look at James as he added, "And I'm not here to drown my sorrows . . . I've learned to deal with them and try to make the best of it."
"So are you trying to act like you're above me now?" James took a large gulp of his drink.
"No," the blonde sighed, putting his drink down and turning to glare at James. "I'm not. And I dunno who the hell raised you but they didn't do a great job."
"That's why I'm here!" James snarled back. "Because they didn't do a good job!"
"Makes sense," he snapped. The corners of his moths turned down when he moved to pick up his drink again and stand up. "To be honest, I'm done talking to,you. I've got enough to . . . I mean . . ." He shook his head, biting his lip and letting out a shaky breath. "This is my last New Year's Eve, so I'm gonna enjoy it. I don't need to deal with assholes right now." He turned and walked away, holding his drink close to his chest as he made his way through the jostling crowd.
James was frozen to the spot as he watched him leave. Last New Year's . . .?
"Hey! Wait!" James grabbed his bottle of beer and jumped up, trying to see where the blonde had gone. But he couldn't see him. He groaned, moving forward and pushing through the people who were laughing and chatting as the countdown approached. Then he spotted a head of shiny blonde hair a few feet away and hurried over. "Hey—"
The blonde turned, and James's cheeks flushed. Wrong guy. This one had brown eyes. Now quite as affective as green, but pretty devastating all the same. "Yah?"
"Sorry, I thought . . ."
"He thought you were me." James felt a small, delicate hand on his arm and turned to see the right blonde standing by him, drink in his free hand. "Sorry about that."
The other blonde shrugged and turned away again. The one next to him gave a small laugh as he glanced up at James. "So, you were looking for me?"
James's first impulse was to stutter out," I-I could've been talking to him anyway—"
"I'm smarter than that, trust me." He took a sip of his drink and have a playful smile. "So . . .?"
"It's your last New Year's?"
He nodded. "Well, that's what my doctors think. Their most accurate guess is that the furthest I'll make is next Christmas."
For the first time James noticed that he wasn't just pale, he was sickly. The shadows under his eyes didn't help either. "So . . ."
"I'm Kendall," he said softly, smiling and holding out his hand. "I'm nineteen."
"I'm James," James replied, shaking his slghtly trembling hand. "I'm twenty."
Kendall didn't have anything else to say, so he finished his drink and left the glass on a nearby table. James just kept watching him. There was definitely something different about him. Something sort of intriguing and beautiful.
He kind of wanted to see more of it.
"The countdown's about to start," Kendall said at last. "Ten seconds until the new year."
James started to realise that when this countdown was over, he didn't want Kendall to leave.
Which was why when the crowds around him screamed out, "TEN!" he said, "I'm an only child."
Kendall raised his eyebrows. But he seemed to understand. "NINE!" I've got a little sister." If they hadn't been standing so close together, they wouldn't have been able to hear each other at all.
"EIGHT!" "I like football."
"SEVEN!" "I don't."
"SIX!" "What do you like?"
Five "Books. Quiet things."
Four. "You seem quiet."
Three . . "Is that bad?"
Two . . . "No. I like you."
One. "I like you too."
Screams and loud cheers echoed around them, people yelling their New Years' wishes to each other while they hugged and kisses each other's cheeks. James's eyes drifted down to Kendall's lips. They weren't smooth and glossy like a girl's would be. They looked rough, a little dry. Still, if he was sick, that couldn't be helped.
James kissed him anyway.
I've been craving more, Wake Me Up
Take me back, take me home, Wake Me Up
They were going for a simple coffee date. Nothing too spectacular, nothing too fancy. They just wanted to get to know each other better, and what better way to do that than a date like this?
James got out of the car and opened the door of the little coffee shop. The bell above the door tinkled as he shut it behind him, looking around. He saw Kendall sitting by the window, not looking at him but out at the busy streets and the snow coating the sidewalks. He was still wearing his jacket, the same one as last time. He had a mug of foamy coffee and a small plate with a cupcake on it in front of him, both untouched. James walked to the counter, bought a blueberry muffin and some coffee and made his way over, sitting across from the blonde. "Hi," he grinned. "Are you waiting long?"
Kendall's head snapped to look at him, eyes widening slightly. Then he smiled back and said, "No, just a couple of minutes."
"So your coffee hasn't gone cold?"
"I don't think so. I wanted to wait until you got here." He shrugged. "And sometimes I just zone out when I'm by myself, so . . ."
"Fair enough." James broke off a piece of his snack and popped it into his mouth, as Kendall picked up his coffee, blew softly over the surface and took a small sip.
"It's not that cold in here," James pointed out at last, his own jacket draped over the back of the chair and rustling as he leaned back against it. "They've got the heat on."
"I know." Kendall cut his cupcake in half and picked one of the pieces up. "Sometimes I just get cold. It happens when you're sick, I guess."
James wished he hadn't said a thing.
"Hey, don't look so upset." Kendall gave a small smile, dimpling as he did. "It didn't bother me, don't let it bother you. People say things like that to me all the time."
"But that doesn't mean they should, isn't it a bit insensitive?"
"Not really. People just speak without thinking. Sometimes I do it, everyone does. It's no big deal."
James wondered how on earth Kendall had grown to think this way about everything. Maybe he just had a different perspective on things. Maybe that happened when your days were numbered.
"So," Kendall continued, picking up his mug again. "What did you do for New Year's Day?"
"Nothing much. I hung out with a couple of friends, we went to dinner together. Had a laugh. Though I do that with them anyway so I don't think it was anything special." James played with the end of his shirt sleeve. "So, what about you? What did you do?"
"I hung around with my mom and sister." He gave a small, light laugh. "Though I had to go home to them anyway so it's not like I had a choice."
"Do you ever get sick of living with them?" James teased.
"Nah. I've always been close to my sister, and my mom too. My dad, not so much. But he ditched us years ago so I guess I have my reasons." He paused. "Do you live with your family?"
"No, I've got a flat. I live alone. I kinda like the silence."
"I get that."
They fell into a silence for a while, sipping their coffee and eating, looking out at the pedestrians walking by in the snow. Every now and then James snuck a look at Kendall through the corner of his eye. The blonde looked peaceful, even though James could tell from here that he was very, very sick. But he seemed content. He wondered if that was a front he put up in aid of those around him, or if he really was alright with it.
At last, the silence broke. "I'm thinking about cutting my hair," Kendall pondered, flicking his bangs out of his eyes with a frustrated huff. "Sometimes it gets in the way a little . . ."
"I love your hair," James found himself saying, before he could stop himself. Immediately his cheeks turned pink and he looked down. "I mean . . . it's cute," he added awkwardly. "I like the way you flick it out of your eyes, I guess . . . um . . . "
"That's sweet," Kendall smiled, his own cheeks tinted red. His fingers played with the ends of his blonde hair thoughtfully. "Maybe I'll leave it as it is after all . . ."
James couldn't help grinning at him. "Good."
Kendall grinned at him. James really, really loved dimples. And green eyes. Yep, he'd just decided that.
I'm falling for your eyes, they Wake Me Up
Breathing in snowflakes, Wake Me Up
Winter was almost over. James zipped up his sweater and tucked the picnic bag carefully into the trunk of his car. Today, although it was breezy, it wasn't that unbearable cold they'd been dealing with the last couple of months. So for today, James was gonna take Kendall out for a picnic at the lake nearby. Although it was less than ten minutes outside the outskirts of town, Kendall hadn't gone there since he was ten. James, meanwhile, had always gone there when he needed peace and quiet. He'd quite happily walked before he'd bought a car, and even after that he'd walk often just to clear his head a little more.
Part of him felt as though it was his secret hideout; something that even though people knew about, he'd never planned to share with them. It was his place, to go to alone. But now he was going to share it with Kendall.
Kendall answered the door only a couple of seconds after James knocked, clothed in a warm sweater, a little black jacket over it, a beanie hat and a long, worn scarf. James had forgotten for a minute or two, how much colder Kendall always got. "You're early," Kendall grinned, looking pleasantly surprised as he hopped down onto the step outside the front door and tilted his head up, giving James an innocent peck on the lips.
"Are you ready to go?" James asked, hands clasping Kendall's slim waist gently. "I've got everything we need in the car."
Kendall nodded, leaving his grasp to go yell to his mom that he was leaving and shut the door after him. Then he took the hand that was offered to him as they walked towards the car.
"You thought of everything," Kendall chuckled as he was handed a thermal flask of hot tea. It did him the world of good as he took a sip; the breeze was chilly where they were sitting on the rocks by the lakeshore. Kendall nibbled on one of the cupcakes James had packed, while James tucked into his own food with no lack of an appetite whatsoever.
"Good, I'm glad." James ripped a small piece of bread off his sandwich and tossed it into the water. The surface of the lake bubbled slightly as a fish came up to snatch it into its mouth. Kendall smiled at the sight, taking some off his own food and tossing it on the ground in front of him instead, watching some little birds flutter down to pick up the pieces.
James scooted closer to Kendall, draping an arm around his shoulders. Kendall leaned against him, giving a happy sigh. "I could almost forget everything in a place like this," he said softly. "It's so peaceful."
"That's why I come here so often. My family were always giving me grief. My mom is a total dictator."
"In what way?"
"She was always trying to pressure me into working for her cosmetics company when I finished high school. It was never my dream, and she just didn't get it." He paused. "What did you want to be when you were in school?" Not "what do you want to be?" It was amazing, just how much the answers to those questions could differ, after a month or two of freedom from mandatory education.
"I used to want to be a musician," Kendall said at last, eyes trained on the lake, completely focused.
James nodded knowingly. "I could tell."
"What do you mean?"
"You know how sometimes you can tell what kind of person someone is before they tell you? Like, if they're an artist, or if they're musical, or sporty, or a writer. I can tell most of the time. You've been giving off music vibes since our first date."
"Oh." Kendall's cheeks turned pink. "I used to hope I could study music in college. I didn't really care what kind of course I was doing, so long as I could play music."
"Why didn't you go?"
"Well . . . I was going to. But a little after I graduated I kind of started getting sicker. Then my mom took me to hospital and we found out about my illness. So . . . I figured, college is expensive and I wasn't gonna get anything out of it, so . . ."
"But, if you love music, then—"
"I teach music to kids now. Just small lessons, no big deal. But I like it. I get to play music, and that's all I wanted." Kendall sighed. "It's alright now. Really, it is."
"If you say so." James kicked a pebble by his feet, biting his lip.
"What about you? What do you do?"
James chuckled. "I wait tables. I never amounted to much."
"You seem smart to me."
"I don't think that's the problem. I never really figured out what I wanted in my life. I still don't know, not really. I'm trying to figure myself out." He picked up his flask and took another gulp of the tea inside.
"I guess that's the hardest part of life; figuring out where you belong. What your place is." Kendall finished his sandwich and tucked the paper into the picnic bag. "I hope you find your place soon. I really do."
James grinned at him. "Thank you." He tucked the flask into the bag and zipped it up. "Why don't we look around for a while? Fresh air's good for the lungs and all that medical crap."
Kendall giggled, nodding and getting to his feet slowly. He stumbled a little on the rocks but James quickly steadied him as he got up too. They just wandered around for a while, looking at the stones underneath their feet, throwing some out and watching them skim over the surface of the lake. The peace and quiet was doing wonders for James's head right now.
He knelt down and picked up a pale grey pebble from the ground. He smiled as he ran his finger over the smooth stone, eyeing the faint pale swirls. This one would do fine. Picking up another rock, a sharper one, he began chipping and carving at it slowly, biting his lip in concentration.
"What are you up to?" James looked up to see Kendall walking towards him over the stones, hand on his head to keep his beanie hat atop his blonde hair. He knelt down next to James, eyeing what he had in his hands.
"I'm just making something. Give me another minute or two." James kept working on the pebble while Kendall sat next to him and picked up a few stones, a small smile on his face as he looked down at the strange colours on some of them.
"Done." James held up the pebble, smiling proudly. It was cut into a slightly wonky heart. But he couldn't help feeling that it was an accomplishment. "I'm gonna put this on a string later on."
"That's cool," Kendall replied, grinning up at him. "It's like a memory."
"Yeah . . ." James glanced down at the pebble. "A memory."
An hour later, James and Kendall went back to the car, sighing with relief when James started up the engine and the heater turned on and warmed up their cold hands. James drove them back to his apartment, and as soon as he brought Kendall inside, he sat him down in the living room. "I'll just be a second."
Kendall nodded, smiling sweetly at him.
James ran out of the room and into his bedroom, reaching into his desk drawer. He had to have string somewhere . . . aha! Taking some out, he cut off a decent length.
Kendall looked up as James walked back into the room. He smiled in greeting as James sat next to him. "What's that in your hand?"
James grinned, holding up the pebble on a string. "It's a memory. Well, a pendant, but you know what I mean . . ." He lifted it and placed it carefully around Kendall's neck. The heart fell over his chest, Kendall running his thumb over it before grinning at James. "You're giving this to me?"
James nodded. "Like you said, it's a memory of today. And it's falling right where your heart is . . ." He pressed his hand lightly against Kendall's chest, feeling his heartbeat speed up immediately. "Now you can feel my heart over yours, I guess . . ."
Kendall bit his lip, cheeks pink. Then he lunged forward and hugged James tightly. "T-thank you . . . thank you so much, Jamie."
"You really like it?"
"I love it, I . . ." Kendall stopped himself. "It's wonderful, thank you."
James grinned, leaning in and gently brushing his lips over Kendall's. "No problem." He pulled back and gazed into Kendall's green eyes. They were wide and full of emotion. And he couldn't help saying shyly, "You're beautiful."
Kendall gave a breathless laugh. "You really mean that?"
James nodded earnestly, leaning in and kissing Kendall again. They spent the rest of the afternoon curled up on the couch and talking, until the clock read almost 11pm and James decided it was time to drop Kendall home. After three or four goodbye kisses, of course.
Another light lost from your face, Wake Me Up
I was made to keep your body warm, Wake Me Up
James enjoyed spending time with Kendall's family. They were so different from his; caring, understanding and honest. They were able to all just spend time together in the same room, laughing and chatting for hours, watching movies together, or just sitting and doing their own things but content in one another's company. His family could never manage that; it was always too awkward, too tense. They never wanted to be in the same room for too long. If they were, something would come up between them and there would be some screaming, some arguments, and someone would storm out and slam the door shut, trying to keep the tears in.
The Knight household, though missing a father figure like he had, were very different. Right now he was challenging Kendall's fifteen year-old sister Katie, to yet another video game that he really wasn't that good at.
"I win again!" Katie cheered, jumping up and doing her little victory dance in front of the couch.
Kendall applauded her, giggling. "Great job, baby sister!"
James growled, tossing the controller. "I've had enough of this game!"
Kendall laughed at the frown etched into James's face. He leaned in close to him and wrapped his arms around the brunette's middle. "Don't be a sore loser, Jamie," he teased, leaning his head on James's strong shoulder and kissing his neck.
James could already feel his frown lines smoothing out as he turned and grinned down at Kendall. "I've always been shit at video games. And yet I get so competitive at them."
"It makes you human," Kendall replied sweetly, leaning up and giving James a gentle kiss.
Katie rolled her eyes. "Less of the PDA, you two!" She switched of the Xbox and made her way towards the living room door. She glanced over her shoulder and smirked playfully at them. "I'm gonna go see Tyler, leave you two alone. Try not to get too carried away."
"Katie!" Kendall groaned, cheeks red with embarrassment as the front door slammed after her. "Ugh, she has such a big mouth . . ."
"I like her," James chuckled, wrapping his arms around Kendall's waist. "Not as much as I like you, though."
Kendall smiled at him. "Sap."
"You know it." James pressed a light kiss to his forehead. "So, how are you gonna cheer me up after my humiliating defeat?"
Giving a quick wink, Kendall leaned in and gave James another kiss. "Well . . ." He grinned. "You can pick out a movie for us to watch, and I'll make you some tea."
"Tea?" James chuckled as Kendall wriggled it of his arms and stood up.
"Tea is amazing!"
"I know, I know." James got up and walked over to the shelf of DVDs above the television. "Go on, then. I'll pick something out." As Kendall left the room, James examined the long row of DVDs. He didn't watch movies often; mostly just mindless episodes of shows he couldn't be bothered to keep track of. Some CSI here, some House and ER there. He never really paid much attention. He decided that be wanted to choose a movie he hadn't seen before. Experimenting a little, yet again.
"You pick anything out get?" James turned to see Kendall setting two steaming mugs of tea on the coffee table. Probably some kind of herbal thing he was into.
"Um . . . how about this one?" He selected a DVD with a blue cover at random, glancing at the bright green eye depicted in the front of it. It reminded him a little of someone. "Avatar . . . I think I've heard of this."
"It's a pretty cool movie. Long though." Kendall took the DVD from James's hand and smirked. "Think you've got the attention span for it?"
"Bring it on, blondie."
James wasn't sure what happened. Suddenly he was waking up in a slightly uncomfortable position; the top half of him lying against the couch cushions, the other half just facing forward normally. He sat up, yawning and turning to see Kendall sitting on the other side of the couch, reading a book. James watched him for a little while; the blonde was biting his thumbnail thoughtfully, lips pouted as he read. James eyed what he could see of the blonde's body; he was still thin, but not too thin. Not yet anyway; James had a feeling he would eventually. Then Kendall seemed to sense eyes on him, and looked up. "Oh. Hi." He smiled. "You fell asleep about thirty minutes in, so I switched it off."
"Aww." James felt guilty. "But you like it, don't you?"
"It's okay, I wanted to finish my book." Kendall's cheeks turned pink when James crawled over to squeeze in next to him in the narrow space.
"Is it any good?"
Kendall nodded, bending down the corner of the page and closing the book. "I'll go back to it later." He tossed the book onto the table, before leaning in and relaxing against James's chest.
"You're wearing the pendant I gave you," James pointed out, noticing it had slipped out over the neckline of the blonde's t-shirt.
Kendall nodded. "I . . . I wear it all the time." His cheeks were red. "It's important to me . . . I guess, um, I mean . . ."
"You're so cute," James grinned, poking one of the blonde's flushed cheeks lightly.
"Stop," Kendall murmured, biting his lip and trying to hide his lovestruck grin.
"Never," James teased. "What kind of boyfriend would I be if I didn't call you cute and embarrass you all the time?"
"A nice one?"
"Nah."
"Okay, fair enough."
James laughed, pinching Kendall's pale cheek. He was disappointed to see that it didn't flush nearly enough, not really.
"Hey, James?"
"Hmm?"
"I . . . you've met my family." Kendall looked embarrassed to be saying this. "I was wondering if I'd ever meet yours."
"Oh." James bit his lip. "Honestly, I'm not sure how much they'd want to meet you . . ."
Kendall's gaze fell.
"I don't mean that they wouldn't like you!" James sad quickly. "But . . . look, my mom didn't necessarily appreciate me being bi either. She always hoped I'd give her grandchildren, though god knows what kind of terrifying grandma she'd be. And plus, with the whole . . . my parents aren't particularly compassionate people. They'd think I was wasting my time with you."
"Do you think that too?" Kendall whispered, lip trembling.
No, of course not. I want to be with you, I don't care what they think."
And James decided that no, he really didn't care.
He brought Kendall to meet his family the very next morning.
Afterwards, all James's mother said was, "Just let him make you happy. Apparently I never could."
Another day another life, Wake Me Up
And you'll be alright, you'll Wake Me Up
"Wow, you really love Shrek, don't you?" James teased, arm lazily sling around Kendall's shoulders. They were slouched in Kendall's living room, watching Shrek for what get like the twelfth time this month. Almost once a day, if that was divided evenly . . .
Kendall was curled up on the couch, head tucked under James's chin. "I can't really help it . . . I guess I just like the story." Kendall smiled. "Who doesn't love a good fairytale?"
"I guess so . . ." James looked down at him. "Are you looking for your own fairytale?"
Kendall's cheeks turned pink. "Well . . . who isn't? Especially since I can't exactly take my time with it."
James bit his lip, closing his eyes for a minute. Hearing Kendall say things like this was one of the most heartbreaking things ever. He just couldn't bear it. "Listen, Kendall . . ." Sitting Kendall up, he stared at the blonde right in the eye. "I can understand that you want a fairytale ending. You're right, everyone does. And I think you deserve one. And, um . . . I want to be your prince. If you'll let me." His cheeks turned pink. "I want to have a happy ending with you. I . . . I love you, Kendall."
Kendall's breath hitched in his throat as he stared at James with wide eyes. His hands found the brunette's and clung onto them, as if they were a lifeline. "I love you too," he whispered back, giving a breathless, nervous laugh at the end of his sentence.
James grinned, leaning in and and kissing Kendall passionately on the lips. The blonde kissed back eagerly, their tongues sliding together as their bodies pressed up close.
"You mean so much to me," Kendall murmured, breath puffing out against James's lips as their noses brushed together. "You have no idea."
"Well, considering I feel the same way, I kind of do," James chuckled, giving Kendall a little Eskimo kiss before pecking his lips.
"You ruined my moment," Kendall teased, sticking his tongue out. "I hope you're happy with yourself."
"Yeah, I'm pretty happy." James stopped. "Wow. It's almost summertime. Kinda hard to believe we've been together since the start of the year."
"I don't find it hard to believe." Kendall smiled, giving James another quick kiss. "I guess I kind of grew faith in you."
You are my one and only, Wake Me Up
You are the words, that will Wake Me Up
It around their five month anniversary that Kendall came to James's apartment one evening, holding a worn duffel bag and informing him that he'd told his family he was staying the night. This wasn't anything unfamilar to him, so of course James let him in, kissing him in greeting and wrapping an arm around him. Even though it was summer, it wasn't the warmest day they'd ever had. Kendall was wrapped up in James's large black jacket, a frayed striped scarf and a grey beanie hat. "I missed you," he said softly, that usual slightly shy smile on his face, as though he were almost afraid to say it.
"I missed you more," James grinned back, waiting until Kendall had his coat unbuttoned before quickly helping him take it off and hanging it up, before taking his bag and leaving it in his bedroom. He came back to see Kendall sitting curled up on the couch, shoes left on the floor by the door under where his scarf and hat were left hanging. "So, how come you came without calling?" James asked, sitting next to Kendall and holding his hands, rubbing them between his to warm them up. He always seemed to have cold and shaky hands. "I would've cleaned the place up a little."
Kendall grinned at him. "The place looks fine."
"Eh, it could be better."
"Anyway, it was kind of an impulse decision, so I just figured I'd surprise you." He raised an eyebrow, his confidence rebuilding as it always seemed to after a few minutes in James's company. "If you like, I can leave and come back another day."
"No, there's no need for that," James chuckled, kissing Kendall gently. "I like you here, whether it's expected or not."
After a moment or two, a thoughtful expression came over Kendall's face. "I was actually thinking a lot, before I came here. About stuff . . . and, um . . ."
"Yeah?"
"I actually don't really know how to say it right," Kendall stuttered at last, cheeks turning pink. "Like, without sounding like it's the only reason I came over or that I'm a complete horndog or, or—"
"Hey, slow down," James chuckled, gently cupping Kendall's cheeks in his hands and tilting his head up. "Just, say it any way. I'm not very fussy, you know. I won't judge."
"Okay." Kendall took a deep breath. "The thing is, um . . . well, I feel like, things have changed and . . . I'm r-ready."
"Ready?" James echoed, not entirely sure he understood.
"Yeah. You know." Kendall's cheeks were redder. "If, I mean, if that's okay with you, obviously . . . but it's not like it's your first time so unless I'm a turnoff I don't think there'll be—"
"Wait." James finally got it. "You're telling me you're ready, to have your first time?"
Kendall nodded, eyes flickering away."I've been thinking about it a lot . . . so . . . yeah."
James smiled at him, gently standing up and pulling Kendall to his feet. "If you're sure . . ."
"I am."
"Then we'll go to my room. Come on." James took Kendall by the hand and they walked down the hallway James's room. As soon as they stepped inside they made their way over to the bed, James noticing how Kendall's breath seemed to catch in his throat with nerves.
He gently turned Kendall towards him and pressed their lips together, sliding his tongue into the blonde's mouth when he let him. Kendall gave a soft whimper, hands gripping James's shirt as he kissed back eagerly. James pulled back slightly and kissed Kendall's nose. "So, if you really want to . . ."
"I do!" Kendall laughed, poking James's nose. "But the question is, do you?"
As an answer, James tackled Kendall onto the bed, muffling the blonde's laughter with a hard kiss. Kendall sighed happily, wrapping his arms around James's neck and running a tentative hand through his hair. Then he was moving his legs apart so James could settle between them as he wrapped them up around the brunette's waist. James pulled back again, breath puffing out against Kendall's lips before he asked one more time, "Are you sure?"
Kendall nodded, and from the day James had met him, he had never known Kendall as one to lie, or conceal his feelings. So he nodded back, grinned and moved his lips to gently kiss the blonde's neck. The soft gasps and moans that spilled from the Kendall's mouth were enough for him already. He wanted to be the only one to ever hear him make those sounds. And for the first time, he had a feeling that he just might be.
He'd never seen that look in anyone's eyes before when they looked at him. This was a first.
He made sure Kendall was as comfortable as he could be, occasionally leaning in and pressing his lips to the blonde's flushed chest, or lightly stroking his thumbs over his slender hips. Sometimes the light touch would make Kendall laugh, other times he would moan James's name softly, one hand gripping the sheets and the other wandering over James's shoulders, as though he couldn't find a grip strong enough.
They lay sprawled together on the bed afterwards, chests heaving, bodies sticky with sweat. For a minute or two, neither of them could find the energy to speak. Evenutally James turned to Kendall, who was lying spread-eagled with eyes half-closed and just waited. Kendall opened his eyes as though he could sense James's gaze on him, and smiled softly. His cheeks were still flushed almost blood red, his neck and chest blushing less, but not the usual pale cream they used to be. His hair was a mess and his eyes were bright. He looked drained and flustered. And more beautiful than ever.
"Are you feeling okay?" James asked at last.
Kendall nodded, smile widening. "Just a bit gross . . . but I guess that always happens, right?"
When James nodded, Kendall gave one of his little quick giggles and kissed James's neck once, one hand fiddling with James's fingers slowly.
"I'll start a bath," James suggested shyly. "Get us cleaned off." As he went into the bathroom and did so, he heard the quite patter of bare feet across the floor and turned around to see Kendall standing there and smiling at him. He looked very shy, covering himself up a little and almost avoiding James's gaze.
James grinned, taking a step forward and wrapping his arms around Kendall's waist, pulling him up close. He kissed each of Kendall's flushed cheeks and then his lips. "You're beautiful."
"Stop," Kendall replied softly, blushing more but smiling wide. James chuckled, lightly pinching his cheek before turning around and turning the hot water off, pouring a large amount of bubbles into the tub. Kendall stood by him and waited, pressing light and shy kisses to James's shoulders.
When they sat in, James lay across with Kendall nestled in comfortably between his legs, head leaning back on his shoulder. "I love you," the blonde said softly, one hand intertwined with James's while the other played around with the bubbles floating on the surface of the water.
"I love you more," James replied, turning Kendall's head towards him and kissing him.
They lay in there until the bubbles were gone and the water began to get chilly. Eventually they got out and dried each other off, James finding Kendall's shy smile just the sweetest sight he'd ever seen. When they were dry he scooped the blonde up easily into his arms and carried him back into his room, placing him tenderly on the bed and giving him a quick kiss. "So," he started, unable to help smirking a little. "Was that a good first time for you?"
Kendall laughed, nodding and winking at him. "Yeah, pretty good. I heard it kind of sucks the first time. But I felt good."
"Well, you had me. I'm amazing, right?"
"Of course."
"That's what I like to hear." James gently tapped Kendall on the nose before getting up and leaving him to sit there. He could suddenly feel himself short of breath, or else just suffocating somehow. It was nothing to do with his current surroundings; it was just one of those moments when he really needed a drag to relax him and ease the burden of heavy thoughts on his mind. He reached into the packet on the dresser and reached for the lighter at the same time. He walked to the window and opened it up, leaning against it as he lit it up. He always leaned out or towards the window when he smoked, but somehow the stifling smell clung to his furniture and walls anyway. He'd never been able to bring himself to care much.
Then, from the bed, Kendall suddenly coughed loudly, covering his mouth out of politeness. But James heard and dropped his cigarette into the ashtray on the windowsill, turning around with wide wyes. "Are you okay?!"
Kendall nodded, giving a watery smile. "Sorry . . . it's just the smell of smoke."
"Oh." James stopped in surprise.
"I didn't notice it before, but I get it now." Kendall gave another weak cough, but this time, James noticed, a more pointed one. Then he gave a playful smile. "I can only imagine what it must be doing to your lungs."
Then James realised what the blonde was getting at. He turned and glanced at the smouldering cigarette in the ashtray.
How much did he really need it? When he thought about it, he's started because he was unhappy, and needed something to lift his spirits.
Now he had something new for that purpose, sitting on his bed right now in the form of a gentle, angelic soul. His spirit lifted up to the heavens when they were together.
He threw his remaining supply of smoke away without a second thought. As he did, Kendall wrapped his arms around him and kissed him happily. He started buying nicotine patches to help get him along the road of quitting completely. He found it a lot easier than he'd expected. And after a while he realised it himself, that his bedroom was a lot easier to breathe in. He was delighted to find that Kendall thought the same.
He suddenly saw now that it was a bit frightening, how much he was willing to do for him.
The amazing thing was that he was very happy that way.
And you can lie with me, and Wake Me Up
Hush now, close your eyes, Wake Me Up
"Is this like a late anniversary thing?" Kendall asked curiously, eyeing the large city that surrounded them. They were in Minneapolis for the weekend; James had booked a hotel room for them and told Kendall that they were going to take a look around the city for a couple of days, or else they could just relax. Whatever he wanted.
"No," James replied, pulling into the hotel parking lot. "It's just for fun. I mean, why not?"
They left their bags in the room, before they went out and walked around the streets, exploring the different sights as they held each other's hands tightly. It was a warm day, especially in the city, so for once Kendall wasn't wrapped up in a jacket or scarf. He seemed to look a lot more free that way. And a little healthier too. They found a little pizzeria on a corner and had dinner there, James delighted to see that Kendall had a good appetite; a rare thing for him. It actually seemed that they'd switched places. He could barely eat a thing.
"Are you sick?" Kendall asked, concerned. "We can go back to the hotel now, if you like."
They did, but every step and James started to feel worse. But he wasn't sick, which he couldn't bring himself to admit to Kendall just yet. He was scared. Terrified, even.
Because Kendall was about to find out two things. The reason he'd arranged this trip, and the reason he'd been wearing long sleeves all this week.
"Lie down for a while," Kendall suggested as they shut the room door after them. "You might feel better."
"I'm not sick, really. Listen, Kendall." James sat down on the bed, pulling Kendall down with him. "There was something I wanted to show you. Well, two things, actually."
"Oh. Okay," Kendall smiled back, squeezing James's hands. "Go on, then."
James nodded, taking a deep breath. This was, by far, the most nerve-wracking moment he'd ever experienced. He tugged one of his hands from Kendall's grasp and moved it up to his shirt sleeve. And he tugged it up, biting his lip and waiting to see what the reaction would be. Kendall's eyes were wide. "Oh, James . . ." His hand trailed up to James's bicep, fingers tracing over where his name was written in cursive. "That's beautiful." His cheeks were red. "But, um . . . you really wanted to do that? We've only been together for six months and tattoos are pretty permanent—"
"I know, but that's the point. Listen." Gazing into Kendall's eyes, James continued earnestly. "Thing is, you're exactly right. We have only been together six months. But already, I'm just so, so sure that I want to be with you, for as long as I can. Forever, if I could. Like the way my skin will be inked with your name forever. I'm not scared of holding back, o-or trying to keep it inside me. It's not like we . . . I mean . . . what's the use of waiting when I already know how much I love you, and how much you mean to me?" There were tears in his eyes at this point, but he refused to wipe them away. He wanted Kendall to understand.
Kendall's bottom lip was trembling as a few tears fell down his cheeks. James wanted to lean in and kiss them away, but instead he reached into his jacket pocket and pulled out the small velvet box. Flipping it open with one hand, because Kendall still held his other tightly, he held it up for Kendall to see the white gold ring inside. He hears the blonde let out a shaky gasp as he said softly, "Will you marry me, Kendall?"
Kendall was sobbing now, one hand over his mouth to try and muffle the sound. Unable to stop himself, James quickly reached up and dried his flushed cheeks. "I'm sorry, p-please don't cry—"
"I l-love you so much, Jamie," Kendall whispered, shoulders trembling. "So, so much . . ."
James's heart soared. "You do?"
Kendall nodded, reaching for James's hand and gripping it tightly, almost as if he would fall if he didn't. "And you really mean all that? That you want to marry me already?"
"I mean every word." James held up the ring again. "So . . .?"
"R-right, sorry . . ." Kendall leaned forward and pressed his lips to James's in a soft, slow kiss. James could taste the saltiness of Kendall's tears right before the blonde pulled back and quickly added, "Y-yes. Yes, of course I'll marry you, of course I will!"
A second later and the ring was carefully slid onto Kendall's finger, before James had his arms wrapped tightly around him and they were falling back against the pillows, Kendall's lips lightly pressed against the inked skin of James's bicep once their clothes had been stripped away. "I love you," James murmured in Kendall's ear, and he wasn't sure if Kendall would ever know how much.
They lay back a while later, James lazily pulling the bed covers over the two of them. Kendall was leaning in against him, kissing him once more. James felt Kendall's eyelashes against his cheek as the blonde snuggled close to him, and he closed his eyes, knowing that tonight, he would sleep well.
I'll be your safety, you'll Wake Me Up
I'll whisper quietly, you'll Wake Me Up
In his head, he could still hear the loud music, and the cheers, and the laughter and chatter of the celebrations. He could still smell the alcohol and the sugary scent of cake frosting. When he closed his eyes, he got a glimpse of the coloured lights that had been placed around the room, casting bright light in the otherwise total blackness.
James walked out of the bathroom, just with a towel wrapped around his waist. Kendall was sitting on their bed in just his shirt and trousers, bare feet curled up on the comforter as he looked up and grinned at James. "Finally got all the champagne off?"
James nodded, dropping down on the mattress next to Kendall and wrapping an arm around him. "But I'm not sure if my suit will ever recover."
Kendall laughed, snuggling close to James's chest and pressing his lips to his cheek. "I love you so much. I still can't believe we're married."
James nodded in agreement, pulling Kendall to lie on top of him with his knees resting on either side of his hips, arms wrapped securely around his tiny waist as their chests pressed together. Kendall gave a small yawn, head tucked into James's shoulder as he snuggled impossibly closer. "I know you're tired," James said softly, rubbing soothing circles into his back. "So why don't we leave all the crazy stuff until tomorrow morning, when we go on our honeymoon?"
Kendall nodded, grinning at James and pressing their lips together. "I can't wait."
James scooped Kendall up in his arms with ease as he sat up, getting off the bed and putting him down for a second. He switched on the lamp by the bed and walked over to the light by the door, flicking it off. Instantly the room was cast in a faint but warm glow. Going to where they'd left their clothes, James pulled on a pair of boxers, and turning around, chuckled and leaped onto the bed, startling Kendall into squealing loudly and rolling away so he wouldn't get squashed, laughing hysterically.
James wrapped his arms around him, pulling him close so he was pressed against his chest. Kendall hummed in content, pressing a couple of lazy kisses to James's neck, before snuggling closer to him and shutting his eyes. James grinned down at him. He leaned over to turn off the lamp, then reached down in the dark and pulled the blanket up over their bodies, all the way up to their shoulders. He didn't want Kendall to get cold, even if it was the middle of summer. He held him close again, pressing his lips to his forehead for a second or too.
"I love you."
"I love you more . . ."
The music faded to something softer and sweeter. He slept better than he ever had.
Feel my heart against yours, Wake Me Up
When you're half asleep, Wake Me Up
James ran a hand soothingly down Kendall's back as his husband threw up violently into the toilet. The smell didn't really put him off; Kendall had been a lot sicker lately, which was why he'd gone to the doctor's earlier that morning. James was worried about him, but the doctor had said nothing was particularly out of the ordinary, and that were were no signs that Kendall's end was going to come early.
Though right now, Kendall's shivering and tortured expression told James different. The blonde shakily got to his feet and made his way to the sink, rinsing his mouth out and splashing some cold water into his sweaty face. "Come back to bed," James said gently, helping Kendall out of the bathroom. "Lying down for a while might be the best thing for you. I'll bring you in some water, okay?"
Kendall nodded, walking slowly back into their room and pushing the door shut. A few minutes later, James went in with the glass of cold water to see his love curled up on the bed, wrapped up with the blanket tucked right up to his chin. James eyed his paler-than-normal skin and the bags under his eyes. "You need to get more sleep, I think that might be a problem."
"I know," Kendall replied softly. "Sometimes I just can't sleep."
"Would it help if I stayed? Or would you prefer me to leave?"
"Stay, please." Kendall reached out a slightly shaky hand and beckoned him over. James immediately walked over, kicked off his shoes and crawled into the bed next to him, tucking Kendall's smaller body carefully into his.
"Try and get some sleep, alright? And if you're hungry when you wake up, I'll make dinner. Just . . . just try to rest."
"I love you," Kendall whispers back, closing his eyes and snuggling close. "I feel safe with you . . ."
James could swear Kendall fell asleep faster than he ever had before. He felt proud of himself. But only for a second, before worry and fear for the future took him over again.
Cover me up, Wake Me Up
Give me love, Wake Me Up
Kendall's 20th birthday came and went, with a family celebration in his and James's apartment. Ultimately there was a happy atmosphere, but underneath that there was sadness, because it would be his last. Kendall sat by James's side for the majority of the day, curled up against him with the brunette's arms wrapped protectively around him. James knew that Kendall liked that they wanted to make an effort for him, but he really just wanted them all to leave and give him some breathing space. As soon as they all left, he felt a bout of sickness and threw up in the bathroom for a little while, before dissolving into weak sobs as he went to bed and tried to sleep. James held him tightly the whole time.
A few days passed and they found themselves in the hospital again. James had always hated the shiny and clean corridors that tried to look cheerful when in reality, this was the most depressing place ever. Nobody ever came here for a good reason, not really. Not that he could think of at the moment, at least.
Kendall had never wanted James in the room when he went to the doctor. But James was okay with it; often Kendall's doctor would tell him their results straight after if he requested. And Kendall was always honest with him about it. He sat in the waiting room, unable to focus on the magazine he'd picked up which really wasn't that great anyway. He threw it back on the shelf, head in his hands.
When a shadow fell over him he glanced up to see Kendall standing in front of him. "Nothing new to report," the blonde said softly.
"Really?" James wasn't sure if he was disappointed or not. He had a feeling that if there were news it would probably be unwelcome, so he chose to feel relieved.
Kendall nodded once, holding out his hand and waiting for James to stand up and take it. They left the hospital, hurrying to the car before Kendall got too cold. When they got home, Kendall went into their room, calling over his shoulder that he wanted to get changed. It wasn't as though they had many personal boundaries, but James chose to leave him some and watched tv for a while.
Eventually Kendall re-emerged, holding a small jacket in his hand, folded in half and placed carefully under his arm as though it were delicate. "I found this," he said quietly. "It's Katie's; I think she left it behind last time she was here, for my birthday. Can we go drop it off?"
"Yeah, sure."
"You wait in the car. I'll just drop it to her at the door."
James watched Kendall walk to the front door and greet Katie when she opened it. He handed the jacket to the seemingly puzzled girl, and they talked for a moment or two. He couldn't hear what they were saying. He assumed it was some sort of family thing. Eventually Katie and Kendall gave each other a long, lingering hug before Katie took the folded jacket and closed the door of the Knight house. Kendall walked back to the car and sat in, giving James a warm smile. "Sorted."
"Okay, good to know." James started the car and they left, glancing back at the house and suddenly noticing Katie watch them leave from the living room window.
After a while, James noticed that Kendall didn't wear his pendant anymore. He wondered if maybe he'd lost it, or if he'd just decided it was too painful to think about anything that had happened in the past, when soon enough it was disappear.
But they still had until December. James hoped they would have made more memories by then. He chose to keep reminding Kendall how he'd woken him up from a very long sleep, in any way that he could. And he tried not to let him get too cold.
When your eyes turn from green to grey, Wake Me Up
I'll hold you in a cold place, Wake Me Up
November wore on.
"I don't want to go, James," Kendall groaned, face half turned and muffled by the pillow. "I'm too tired . . . I'm just not in the mood."
James sighed, sitting on the bed next to his husband as he buttoned up his short. "I wish I hadn't told my mom we'd go," James sighed at last. "You're not well—"
"No, I'm the one who agreed first." Kendall sat up a little, the bags under his eyes contrasting strongly with his grey skin. "You go without me. I just wanna sleep . . ."
"I don't wanna leave you here, that's a dick move."
"But I'm asking you to. Go on." Kendall took James's hand and gave it a weak squeeze, smiling gently. "You need to see your family again, keep that bond there. I'll be fine here, I promise. I just need to rest."
James didn't notice how the breath caught in Kendall's throat as he spoke.
"If you're absolutely sure . . .?"
"I am." Kendall leaned forward and pulled James in for a kiss. It felt different somehow. He couldn't quite but his finger on it, and it was over before he could figure it out. "I love you," Kendall added hoarsely.
"I love you more."
"Wake me up when you come home . . . have a good time, okay? Just forget about our problems for a while and go have fun with your family."
"I'm not sure I can . . ."
"You can try. That's all I'm asking. Trust me, it's better if you do." Kendall coughed and lay down, snuggling into the pillow. "I'll see you soon . . ."
"Yeah, soon." James smiled warmly and tucked Kendall in, because he believed it. "I'll be back tonight." He finished getting ready and kissed Kendall's forehead before he left.
Like he'd asked, James tried to forget about him and Kendall and that ticking time bomb that was Kendall's sickness, and just enjoyed time with his family. He talked more to them than he ever had, with higher spirits than ever. Though they were disappointed that they weren't able to meet James's precious husband again, who seemed to be his whole world. James always blushed when they brought that up.
James drove home in the dark, heading up in the small elevator to their apartment. As he walked in, he couldn't help but notice how quiet it was. Still, that was to be expected if Kendall was sleeping. James smiled to himself and took off his jacket, hanging it up over Kendall's and walking towards their room. He opened the door and glanced inside. "Babe? Are you awake?"
Kendall's body was turned away from the door, only his blonde hair visible, completely still. James took the silence as a no and sighed, walking in and kicking off his shoes. "I guess you sleep like a baby when you feel like it," he chuckled half to himself, walking over and sitting on the bed. "It's cute, but a bit inconvenient, if I'm honest."
He gave a small sigh, reaching out and brushing the hair from Kendall's forehead, fingers grazed over his cheek. Then he stopped, eyes widening. Kendall's skin was cold. Much too cold.
"Kendall . . .?" James gripped the blonde's shoulder and rolled him onto his back, pulling the blanket down. Kendall just lay there, unmoving, skin too pale to be real. "Kendall!" James shook him frantically, tears starting to blur his vision. "No no no Kendall, oh god, please—" One of his hands pressed against the blonde's chest while the other reached for his neck and felt for a pulse.
He felt nothing.
"N-no, oh god, no," James started to sob, hands fisting Kendall's t-shirt as he shook. "K-Kendall, please . . . don't leave me, you can't leave me!" He started screaming, almost able to feel anger building up and hardening over his broken heart. "You can't fucking die on me, not now! Open your eyes, you, you . . . " His voice cracked and he gave up, weeping as his hands loosened their hold on Kendall's shirt. "P-please . . ."
Kendall lay still, one of his hands having fallen and now resting against where one of James's lay. James took his hand and pressed it to his lips, trembling as he felt just how cold he was.
"Kendall . . ."
My symphony carries you out, Wake Me Up
Covered in white, Wake Me Up
It was cold. Far, far too cold to be outside right now.
James gave a weak shiver as he walked into the church, his black jacket a little baggy on him. Somehow, he could only picture how baggy it would be if Kendall were wearing it.
His lip trembled and he had to swallow back a lump in his throat.
It was his turn to go up. He remembered when he first met Kendall, how pale and tired he looked at first glance. Then he made him laugh and it was as though the whole room lit up with his glow.
I can't breathe.
He felt a hand on his shoulder but he didn't know who it was. He didn't really care who it was either. Did it really matter?
He was getting closer, closer.
He heard Kendall's laughter in his head, echoing like a lost birdsong that he'd never hear again.
James glanced down into the open coffin, heart skipping a beat he gazed down at Kendall's still and pale form, dressed in a suit that didn't seem baggy on him, for once. He was so beautiful . . . but so still. And as James reached out a hand to gently touch his cheek he felt that he was cold too. So, so cold.
But at least he wasn't suffering anymore.
Throughout the whole ceremony, James found himself short of breath, with a lump in his throat that refused to go away. He wondered why he wasn't crying like the rest of them. Why he just felt . . . numb. No tears, no overwhelming sorrow. Just, nothing.
Mostly shock. It had been coming for a year now, and he still hadn't expected it.
"James!"
James turned around and glanced at Katie. She was running over to him in her black dress and flat shoes, jacket pulled tightly around her; the air outside the church was bitterly cold. "I have something for you."
James frowned in confusion. "What is it?"
"A letter," Katie said softly, reaching into her jacket pocket and pulling a small white envelope out. "From Kendall." At the mention of his name, she grew teary-eyed again and had to look away from him. "H-he asked me to give it you you after he . . ." She stopped, drying her eyes and sniffling.
"Thank you, Katie." He hugged her tightly for a second, trying to show her that he knew exactly how she felt right now. Even though he couldn't feel it much himself . . . he still didn't understand why.
Seeing her nod at him and go balk to her mom, he quickly opened the envelope and pulled the folded piece of paper out. Unfolding it, he started to read carefully. The writing was messy, but sort of cute and twirly. Of course, he recognised it immediately.
Dear James,
I know when I give this to Katie she'll be asking what it says, but it's not something I want her to read first. And I'm going to ask her not to open it. If when you read this you want to tell her what it says, then go ahead. But it's a message that was only intended for you. It's funny, because I'm writing this little 'introduction' after writing the rest of this. I guess it's easier that way. So, here goes . . .
We met on December 31st, 2011, in a tacky little bar. We were both alone.
Then our first date was January 2nd, 2012. Little things I wanted to remember . . .
James looked at the next paragraph and saw a date scribbled down above it. He remembered it immediately; the day he took Kendall out to the lake and the blonde had told him all about what he'd used to hope for in the future.
January 23, 2012
So, today was our fourth date. I didn't want to write anything before now, just in case this didn't work out. But I really feel like it's working with you, James. You just seem different from the other boys I've been with. Though I have to admit, I don't have much to compare you to. I know you feel sorry for me, because of what's going to happen, but when I was telling you about how much I used to love music, it seemed like you were actually interested. That means a lot in itself, I guess. Fingers crossed that this is only the start.
Then James looked down, and saw another date. And he realised what this was.
March 6, 2012
You're sleeping right now. You probably won't remember by the time you read this, but you fell asleep watching 'Avatar' with me. I guess Sci-Fi isn't your thing. That's okay, though. Opposites attract, after all. We've been together for three months now. I can't believe you're still interested in me. I took a look in the mirror this morning and I wanted to throw up, honestly. That's definitely proof that love is blind. I mean, if you love me. I hope you do, because I think I might love you. There's no other way to describe what I'm feeling right now. I guess we'll just see what happens from here . . .
April 17, 2012
You told me you loved me today. I swear I nearly cried. I've been waiting for this since I met you. Even before that. Just somebody to love me, like in all those romantic movies you watch so often. I always found that even for a normal person, finding love can't be as easy as it is for those fictional characters, so imagine how difficult it'd be for someone like me. But here you are. I hope I never lose you, ever. And I love you too. I know I already said it out loud to you, but I do so, so much. You have no idea. I'm not sure you ever will, honestly. I wouldn't be able to put it into words.
May 12, 2012
The sex was great, I'll give you that ;D And I was so sure I'd die a virgin. Thanks for clearing that up. You're sleeping again now, and I probably sound creepy . . . But I can't sleep, so I guess writing this is all I can do. For all I know it could be a whole novel by the time you read it. I'd have a hard time fitting that in an envelope, that's for sure. I've been finding it difficult to sleep a lot lately. Sometimes I have nightmares, about my life ending a lot worse than they predicted . . . other nights I think it's just insomnia. And I guess I feel closer to you when I can feel your arms around me, keeping me safe. When I fall asleep that all disappears. I'm not a big fan of the nighttime.
June 5, 2012
I can't breathe. This seriously just happened! Words can't describe how happy I am right now. I'm just staring at the ring as I write. So sorry if this goes a little wobbly . . . I still can't believe that you want to marry me. Especially when we haven't been together that long; just over six months. It's okay though; you're not one to take your time with things anyway. Except with me, I guess. You always seemed careful with me . . . Oh god, I'm actually crying. Damn my uncontrollable emotions! And here I was, thinking this trip to Minneapolis was just for a bit of a laugh. I can't wait until we get married. I really want to see how you look in that tux :3 I love you so much, Jamie. More than anybody else in the world.
July 28, 2012
Today's the day. And I'm not excited any more. Well I am, but I'm mostly just terrified. I keep thinking that I'm going to walk out and you won't there at the end of the aisle. Then I think you will be there, but somehow I'll just chicken out and run away. Both possibilities make me feel sick. But, I can do this. My mom keeps calling me so I need to put this away now. I love you. See you there, I guess.
If there's any confusion, it's now 3am and you've gone to take a shower. One of your cousins spilt champagne all over you. I'm just sitting in our room, of our apartment (EEEEEE :D) waiting for you to come back. You have no idea how handsome you looked today. Everything was so perfect . . . I can hear you finishing up in the bathroom now. I'm gonna finish this off by saying I love you again. I really, really do.
September 17, 2012
Went to the doctor again today. I've been losing my appetite a lot now, and I find myself short of breath. I think it's a sign. Which sucks, because I'm meant to have at least two months left. Hopefully I can stick it out. I've held on for this long, right?
I love you so much, Jamie. Always remember that.
November 9, 2012
I'm not writing now to report anything particularly amazing that happened today. I'm just going to write about you. If I don't do it now I don't think I'll ever get the words down.
When I first met you, I remember you weren't very nice to me. But it didn't seem like you were nice to anyone. The most amazing thing that's ever happened to me is getting to know you better and seeing the real you come out to see me. You just . . . I really can't describe how much you've done for me. You made me feel safe, and cared for. You made me feel like I was special, or at least special to you. That was something I wanted more than anything. Now we're married, and I feel so close to you. Closer than I've ever felt to anyone.
Having somebody love me the way you do is something I never thought I'd have. But you showed up, and you showed me what it felt like to have someone care about me so much that they never want to let me go. I never want to let you go either. But I know it's going to happen. The worst of it is going to be wondering how you are when I'm gone.
I probably sound selfish saying this, but I want you to miss me. I'd be upset if you didn't. Like nothing ever mattered to you, even though I'm sure that's not true. I just don't want you to feel like you need to lose yourself in sadness and mourning. If on the day I met you, I knew I could hurt you like that, then we never would've got together. I just want you to be happy, but still miss me. Like I'm going to miss you. Does that make sense?
Forever yours, even if you find somebody else to love. And you'll always be mine.
With all my love,
Kendall Diamond xxx
James's fingers were griping the paper tightly, his hands trembling almost uncontrollably. A tear dripped down his cheek. All along, he'd never known how Kendall felt about him. This was all of it, summed up in a nutshell. He had no idea how much he'd meant to him.
Just like the Kendall probably never knew how much he meant to James.
His fist gripped the envelope tightly as he gritted his teeth and tried to stop his body shaking, when he felt something hard and solid through the papaer. Puzzled, he unfolded the envelope and opened it again, turning it upside down over his open palm. He gasped when a small heart-shaped stone on a string fell into his hand, a piece of paper wrapped tightly around it. Shoving Kendall's letter and the envelope into his pocket, he untangled the paper from the pendant and help it out in front of him.
You gave me a memory. Now I'm giving you mine.
The tears that followed couldn't be stopped. He couldn't be consulted. During the drinks and chatter that followed in the Knight household, he just sat in the corner with the pendant on, gripping the pebble tightly in one hand as he held Kendall's letter protectively in the other. Nobody tried to go near him when they saw it was pointless.
The only person he wanted there was gone, and wasn't coming back.
James never took the pendant off, not even when he slept or showered. Sometimes people asked him where he got it, admiring it if it fell from where it was normally hidden underneath his shirt, so it could touch his bare skin. He always told them it was from someone very important to him, and that it was given as a memory.
He drank a lot, remembering those nights when Kendall would steal a sip of his drink, though he couldn't drink much. Then he'd giggle and kiss James and James would be able to taste the alcohol on his tongue. Nowadays he was drinking alone, waking up in a cold, empty bed.
Dear Kendall,
Sorry for the long wait, I've been trying to get myself together. And even now this isn't going to be as long as yours. I hope you don't mind. Anyway, I never showed Katie your letter. She understands. I feel like it's a secret only you and I share. That's the way it should be. Right now, I feel like I should reply to you. So, here goes . . .
On December 31st, 2011, I saw a beautiful angel sitting by the bar, all alone. I wanted to protect it. That angel was you.
On January 2nd, 2012, I realised who I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. Or maybe I didn't, and I was just lost in your eyes. Could be either, to be honest. I've never been great at figuring out my feelings.
You're so beautiful, and I wish I could've convinced you of that before I lost you. Even on days where your sickness would kick in and at first glance that's all people would see, all you had to do was smile and I swear I got weak at the knees. You've got such a gorgeous smile; it always made my heart skip a beat. Especially if I was the one who made you smile.
I love you more than you could ever imagine. And when we first spoke, I couldn't have seen it coming. You just stole my heart away, I guess. And it'll probably always be yours to keep. You say I made you feel safe. You made me feel wanted. Like I was needed somewhere; I guess you showed me I actually had a purpose in life. That was to love you.
I wish we could've been married for longer. If I'd been able to predict how hard I'd fall for you, I would've proposed on our very first night. These letters seem to be full of "if I'd known", don't they? I wish I did know. I really, really wish I did.
I miss you so. The apartment is so quiet and empty without you here. I know what you meant by that insomnia now; I don't think I've had a single good night's sleep in the past week. It might help if you were here beside me.
Reading your last entry in your letter, it made me understand why you didn't tell me when you knew you were going to die early. I probably wouldn't have told you either. But at the same time, I wish I knew. Part of me hates myself for not being there when you lost the fight, but then the other part of me remembers that you wanted it that way. You didn't want me to see that. I get it, really.
You will always be mine. I'll love you forever, that's a promise. Even if I find somebody else to spend my life with, they'll never fill the gap in my heart. There's a place there that'll always be meant for you. You can't ever be replaced, I know that full well. And I'll always be yours. No matter what happens. And thank you for the memories. I'll keep them with me forever.
Sweet dreams, my angel. Rest in peace.
All my love,
Your James Diamond xxx
James placed the envelope carefully down on the ground in front of Kendall's grave. Then he placed the bouquet of red and white roses next to it. Kendall's favourites. He lightly ran his fingertips over the stone engraving, biting his lip as a tear slid down his cheek.
Kendall Knight-Diamond, November 2nd 1992 — November 15th 2012
You will always be missed
"I love you so much," James whispered softly, before getting to his feet and brushing the earth from his jeans. And as he turned and headed back towards the path, he could swear he heard Kendall whisper it back to him.
Maybe I fell in love when you Woke Me Up.