There will always be that common mis-conception that imprinting is stronger than the love a vampire feels for his mate. They couldn't be more wrong. I've seen it - in the wolves minds - the love the imprints feel for each other, and that isn't half as much as I feel for my Bella.
Bella was my mate. She didn't know this - and probably never would now.
I've learnt to just leave the things you're far too afraid to loose for your own good. That accident with Jasper on Bella's birthday just made me realize this. I loved Bella more than anything in the world. That's why I had to put her well being before my own selfish wants. Plus, I had the conversation with Aro.
He said that no vampire had ever mated with a human. The bond between mates only becomes stronger with time, and God knows that compared to my immortal life, Bella didn't have much of it. Aro was all for Bella becoming a vampire; but I wanted Bella to have as much as a human life as possible. If she had wanted to grow old and grey and die a peaceful death, I would've let her. Gladly. I would've hired someone to kill me, then we'd be together again. I didn't care about appearances.
Bella worried, while we were together, that I wouldn't love her the same when she had a face of a sixty year old if I didn't change her, but in all truthfulness, there was nothing I would want more to get old and grey haired with Bella. We'd have our grand kids running around on the porch, we'd stroll back to our meadow from time to time, we'd look through the last few pictures we shared with Renee and Charlie. But none of that could ever happen - because I will always have the baby face of a seventeen year old, forever. There wasn't much of an age range I could actually get away with - probably at most nineteen or twenty. I'd always have to go through school or college, and I worried I wouldn't be able to get legally married. But who cares about that now? Bella's gone. I've gone.
I left her six months ago. Six months of pure agony. You have no idea what it's like to be ripped away so cruelly from someone that you love with your whole heart, and completely defines you. And it's not something you can just brush under the rug and forget. The pain never dims. Its always there. I constantly miss Bella. She was my everything.
I've left my family - it was too painful for Jasper to see my emotions, too much for Alice to watch my future (several run in's with the volturi, where I was more or less begging for death) and too much for Carlisle and Esme to see there last son, who they thought had finally found a soul mate, drown in his own depression because he'd thrown everything he could have possibly ever wanted away.
I'd been back to visit Bella, she didn't know this, and my personal restraint was a lot stronger than I thought it was. It took everything not to run to her, not to shower her with the love and affection she'd been deprived of for the past six months.
I had to leave Bella. It was far too risky to have Jasper around her - and I was becoming dangerously attached to her. She was everything to me. I couldn't have told her about the mate unless she was a vampire. If she knew - it would only bring out my possessiveness to claim her. I always figured - the longer she had not knowing about it, the longer she had to be her own person.
As soon as she knew about it, I'd never leave her, I'd attempt to kill anyone that so much as even touched her. I'd experienced being on the wrong end of that twice - with Jasper and Emmett.
Yet it was so beautiful. Seeing their mate run to them, the only thing that could calm a three hundred and fifty pound Emmett down was Rosalie, simply with a touch of her hand. The only thing that could stop Jasper wrecking havoc in your head with your own emotions was a tiny four and a half foot Alice curled into his side. And that was simply by their presence, their touch.
I wanted that with Bella. I wanted to be able to protect her, I wanted to be able to call her mine. Deep down, I knew she was mine. But I could never truly claim her until she knew about the mate.
I was interrupted from my musings when a shrill alarm went off in my pocket. Damn phone. I hated using them. It was so pixilated, no matter how good of a phone it was, and the noise of it was awful. I pondered for a couple of seconds on whether to answer it or not. I never usually did. It would only be my family checking that I was still alive.
I looked at the caller ID. Alice. I sighed, and for the first time in two months, answered it.
"Alice?" I sighed into the phone. I could immediately tell something was wrong. There was a lot of talking in the back ground, that I couldn't quite discern with the sound on this shitty phone.
"Edward! See, I told you he'd pick up!" I heard her say to someone off of the phone excitedly. "It's Bella." She said, more seriously. My stomach clenched at the name. I hadn't realized it had been so long since I last heard it.
"What about her?" I asked, frantic already from the slight panic I heard in her voice.
"Edward - don't go metal - but I've been watching her decisions." I growled into the phone. I had specifically told her not to even think about her! I found it so unfair Alice still got to know so much about my mate, right down to her decisions, and I didn't even get the chance to see inside that beautiful head of hers.
"And?" I asked. I would rather not be rung just to be told something that she knew would piss me off.
"She's contemplating suicide - " She started, and straight away my head went into overload. Suicide?
"Alice!" I yelped into the phone. My chest hurt at the thought of my Bella not being in this world. What was the point of leaving her if all she was going to do is kill herself?
"She's decided to do it in two days. She'll slit her wrists, in your meadow. Charlie will find her there, and so will Jacob. Jacob will run, and eventually get killed by a group of newborn vampires, and Charlie will go the same way as Bella. You have to go to her Edward. Where are you?"
"Italy." I choked out.
"When was the last time you hunted?" She asked uncertainly.
I looked around the dark room I had been holed up in for the past six months.
Vampire's can live without blood, well, I have been able to anyway, for long amounts of time. Their self control obviously goes down when around blood because they've been without it for so long, but they can survive. I was honestly trying to drive myself to the closest form of death I could manage.
"I haven't." I told her quietly.
"Edward!" She screeched, as I knew she would. I winced slightly at the worry in her tone. How could I be so thoughtless? Had I not contemplated something like this happening?
"Run as far as you can, and go to the nearest airport. Hunt on the way. You don't know what state you'll catch Bella in when you do get here." She told me, and I almost screamed at her. Was she insinuating I might be too late? I would get there. I would. Even if I caught her in the act - I'd change her myself. I'd keep her in the most selfish way possible - by changing her into a vampire.
I ran. I knocked the door straight off of its hinges, and ran. I didn't even pay attention to where I was running, so was rather pleased when I turned up at a forest. I drank from seven elk, three mountain lions and two bears. I was so full and sloshy by the time I had finished, if vampires could hurl - I definitely would. But I wanted to be as careful as I could be for Bella. I checked the time on my phone. Four hours had passed since Alice had rang me. I ran as fast as I could, as far as I could, just as Alice had told me to. I smelt humans. I hadn't realized how much the scent must have bothered me before - it was burning my throat, although I could hold no more blood in my body. I stopped vampire speed running, and bought it down to a human run so I didn't completely expose vampires to the humans. Then I'd be killed anyway. I cursed as I ran at the slowest pace I could manage. Far too slow!
I almost thanked the lord when I got to an airport - middle of no where, mind you, I just hoped it wasn't busy. I went inside, and breathed a sigh of relief when it was almost deserted. I looked at the billboard that told people where the planes were going. There was one to Phoenix. I just figured I could run the rest. I fished my wallet out of my back pocket - I hadn't even changed clothes for six months - God. I decided it wasn't that gross while I was lining up to get my boarding pass, vampires don't sweat or anything like that.
I finally got a boarding pass, and went to my sector. My plane would be leaving soon. I breathed a sigh of relief I got here in time. How much time had passed? I looked at my phone, and a day had passed. I wrung my hands together nervously, realizing my time was cutting a bit close for my liking. I thanked God I had the common sense to charge my phone every now and again.
When my plane was finally called, I was first on. I just sat there, thinking. A few hours passed, then a few more, I think. All I knew was, I finally got there. Even closer to my Bella. And in time. I was first off of the plane, and left the airport as soon as I could. I human ran to the nearest woods and then ran, properly. I had done this before, I knew what I was doing. I breathed a sigh of relief when I saw that only 3 more hours had passed since I got off of the plane, and I was in Forks. I decided to go to my old house, my family's house. I jumped in surprise when I saw their cars outside. I knocked on the door hesitantly, and was bombarded by a tiny Alice. She placed kisses all over my face and wrapped her short legs around my hips. I stood there in shock. Alice will be Alice, I decided.
I heard a growl of annoyance and Jasper pried Alice off of me. He cradled her in his arms and put dainty kisses all over her hairline. Alice had her eyes shut and I think that was the most peaceful I had ever seen her. I felt a pang of pain. That could have been me and Bella. If I got there in time - and Bella would still have me... It could still be me and Bella. I stood there awkwardly, while all this was happening in the doorway. I took a step forward and was met with another tiny pair of arms wrapped around my torso. Esme. I leant into her hug, not realizing how much I had missed her.
"Welcome home, son." I heard Carlisle say from somewhere up the hall. I gave him what I assumed looked like a pained smile, and he gave me a tight one back. Esme just looked up at me and I spent a while trying to undo her vice-like grip around my waist. No-one said much, just hugs and small words were exchanged.
"You better go now, Edward. Bella just left." Alice said quietly from Jaspers arms. I was out of the door before anyone could even say anything else.
I ran to our meadow, and gawked when I saw my beautiful angel. How long had it been? I stayed hidden in the trees, and just decided to watch her for a little while. She was sitting up on a blanket, eating a sandwich looking thoughtful. Had Alice got her vision wrong? Had Bella only come out here for a picnic? I growled quietly in frustration. Had this been a trick to get me back to Bella? She had looked so peaceful, not like she was contemplating suicide!
I looked at my beautiful angel again. She had a vest top on, and some denim shorts, just a peek of luscious white skin between them. Her flip-flops were kicked off to the side of her, and her sunglasses discarded on the blanket. She reached for one of the purple flowers sprouting from the ground and I couldn't help but gasp.
All up her arms were gashes and scars. They all seemed fairly old - maybe a week or two - but I almost cried in frustration that she could've bled to death at any of those times. It turned out my gasp had been quite loud, because she looked around with her massive Dow eyes, for the source of the noise. She shrugged to herself when she saw nothing, and reached for her keys. I bit back a growl when I saw a pocket knife on one of her key chains. Seriously? She needed one of those on her keys? Had things got that bad?
She bought it up to her wrist, and I ran and lunged, without even thinking.
I ripped the keys from her hand, and flung them to the opposite side of the blanket. She let out a half strangled cry - but stopped abruptly when she saw me. She was more beautiful than the last time I saw her. She was always far too good for me, far too beautiful, soul and all.
"Edward?" She gasped out. I took in the way her lips were slightly parted, so her hot sweet breath rushed to my face. I took in the way her eyes were so innocent, the brown I remembered so well. I took in the few freckles across her cheeks that had obviously come out in the summer. I took a look around the meadow. It was summer? Hadn't noticed. Her eyelids fluttered a few times, she took in one stuttering breath - and then she fainted.
I caught her before she had a chance to flop to the blanket and just relished in the feeling of my sweet girl in my arms again. She looked so peaceful, like she was sleeping. I knew what she looked like sleeping far too well. I decided at that moment in time I would never leave her again.