I was wondering what Ethan did and how he felt while he was waiting for the test results. I used my imagination a lot and came up with this.
Ethan's hands were shaking.
His whole body was shaking, but he knew he couldn't give in to his feelings now. It was a natural reaction, but he had things to do. He had to follow the correct procedure and then get on with his job.
He tried telling himself this was nothing new. He followed procedures and did his job every day.
But this was different.
He tried not to think about what Cal might be doing. There was nothing he could do about it. Not now. He had to put himself first for once and leave his brother to clear up his own mess.
He also tried not to think about how much his life could change. There was no point in worrying until he knew there was something to worry about.
But the trembling didn't stop.
When he felt someone touch him, he cried out, his nerves far too frayed for him to suppress the sound.
"Hey, it's okay. It's only me." Cal put a hand on each of Ethan's shoulders and stood behind him. "It's okay."
"But we don't know if it is okay, do we?" burst out Ethan. His voice was shaking too.
"No," admitted Cal. His hands tightened on Ethan's shoulders. "Ethan, you're shaking."
"Wouldn't you be?" said Ethan. He looked down at his hand, trying to see if the bleeding had stopped, but his eyes were blurred.
"Of course I would," said Cal. "I'd be in a worse state than you." He stroked Ethan's shoulder. "You shake as much as you need to. No-one could blame you for that. And if they do, they'll be shaking too by the time I've finished with them." His arms wound protectively around Ethan for a moment.
Ethan heard the barely-suppressed emotion in Cal's voice. He felt it in Cal's convulsive hug. "What did you say to him, Cal? To Louis?"
"Nothing," admitted Cal. "Mrs Beauchamp made me leave. I didn't want to go, but you know what she's like. And I realised there were more important things I could be doing than killing Charlie's son."
A soft gasp escaped Ethan's lips. "You wanted to kill him?"
"Can you blame me?" said Cal.
Ethan closed his eyes for a moment. Cal wasn't touching him now, but Ethan was aware of his presence and was grateful for it. He didn't think Cal would really have killed Louis, but it was at moments like this when Ethan realised Cal did care about him. "What was the more important thing? More important than killing Louis?"
"Being here for my brother," said Cal simply. He gently took Ethan's wrist in his hand. "Let me help you."
Ethan shook his head. "Lily booked me in as a patient."
"Yes, and I'll be your doctor," said Cal.
"You're not allowed to treat me."
Cal's voice was fierce. "I don't think I'd trust anyone else with you right now. Look what just happened!"
"It was an accident," said Ethan, his head dropping. He couldn't deal with this.
He ought to be able to deal with it. He knew the procedure and he'd always known this could happen, but he hadn't been prepared. Perhaps you could never be prepared.
He tried to pull his wrist away, but Cal's grasp was too strong. "You shouldn't touch me, Caleb," said Ethan desperately.
"I'm going to wear gloves!" said Cal, as though this was almost too obvious to be worth saying, and Ethan's breath caught because that made it even more real. He remembered all the times Cal had dressed his injuries and not worn gloves.
It was different now. It might be different for the rest of his life.
A tear ran down Ethan's face and plopped into the sink. He hoped Cal wouldn't notice, but then he decided it didn't matter if he noticed or not. It didn't seem very important now.
"Oh, Ethan." Cal's voice was trembling too now. He let go of Ethan's wrist and hugged him so tightly, Ethan could hardly breathe.
More tears gathered in Ethan's eyes. The shaking was getting worse. He leaned his head against his brother's shoulder, though he was careful to keep his injured hand over the sink.
"There, it's okay. It's okay," said Cal. "Just stay there for a minute, okay?" He lifted his head and glanced at Ethan's hand. "It's still bleeding. Let me-"
"No. I can do it," said Ethan.
Cal rubbed his back. "Okay. If you'd rather do it yourself, that's fine."
"I would. And then I'll go and wait my turn in the waiting room with the other patients." There was so much Ethan couldn't control. Like the whole course of the rest of his life. Ensuring the injury was properly cleaned and the bleeding stemmed and then waiting for his appointment seemed like the only things he could do.
Cal stayed close to Ethan as he finished washing his hands. Ethan kept pressure on the wound as they made their way towards the waiting room, but Ethan was still trembling. He wondered if he'd ever stop.
He heard Cal's intake of breath, as though he was about to speak: most likely to offer his help again - but he said nothing. Ethan knew Cal wanted more than anything to help him, but he was calling back the words for Ethan's sake. Ethan didn't know if that made him feel better or worse. He was grateful for Cal's understanding, but it was out of character and became yet another reminder of how serious Ethan's situation was.
They stopped by the waiting room and Ethan bit his lip as he looked at the crowd of people. He knew what he ought to do, but he couldn't bear to sit there with the other patients. He knew there would be all kinds of questions about why he wasn't working. There were also children running around: what if one of them was bleeding and knocked into him or something? Ethan's trembling redoubled and he turned desperately to his brother. "Cal, please would you treat me?"
"Of course I will, Ethan. It's okay," said Cal calmly, and led Ethan to a cubicle.
It was a relief to let go; to let his big brother take over. Cal put some gloves on and gently took Ethan's hand in his. The bleeding had stopped, but Ethan found he was scanning Cal's gloves anxiously, terrified there might be a tear in them.
Would it always be like this? Would it become second nature to him, or would he always feel this scared for everyone he came into contact with? How could he do his job if he had such a serious illness? This job was all Ethan wanted, but he wanted his patients to be safe.
Ethan gave a sob and a few tears escaped. "I'm sorry," he whispered as he wiped them away.
Cal's gaze was sympathetic. "Ethan, you've just had a massive shock. It's okay to be upset. You've just been…" Cal's voice, which had started off as the voice of the calm Dr Knight, quivered slightly, but a moment later he was back in control. "Whatever you're feeling is understandable. You don't have to apologise for anything."
Ethan found the words calmed him a little. He sat quietly as Cal dressed his injury. When it was done, Cal gave Ethan a hug.
"Well done," said Cal. "Let's go and have a break."
"No." Ethan still didn't feel calm, but he would just have to fake it, as all doctors had to sometimes. "I'm going to go back to work." He tried to think logically. Not all the patients needed to be touched by the doctor. He wouldn't have to take another blood test. If a patient was bleeding, he could wear gloves.
But it was still a risk. You never knew that might happen. Today had proved that.
Cal looked horrified. "Ethan, you can't! How can you even think of work when you're waiting for… some news."
"You can say it if you want to," said Ethan. "Waiting to find out if I'm HIV positive."
Cal's eyes filled with tears. "You're not, Ethan. You can't be."
"Of course I can be," said Ethan. "You know how dangerous it is to share needles."
Cal gripped him by the shoulders and shook him slightly. "You didn't share his needle! He attacked you."
Ethan shook his head. "He didn't attack me. He was just frightened. I made him jump."
"Ethan, it's hardly your fault!"
"I know," said Ethan heavily. "I'm not blaming myself, but I'm also not blaming Louis. He said he didn't mean it and I believe him."
"That doesn't change what he did!" said Cal. He sounded angry now; helplessly angry.
"I know it doesn't," said Ethan. "But I'm all right. I'm going back to work. You should probably take a break, but I don't need one."
Cal looked annoyed. "You get attacked and possibly infected and I'm the one who needs a break?" Then the annoyance faded and he just looked upset. "Please, Ethan. Come and have a break. You'd be due for one soon anyway and you know you'd insist I had a break if it was me. The hospital can manage without us for a little while."
Ethan couldn't deny the truth of this. He knew he wasn't at his best. He looked down at his hand, at the bandage Cal had put on for him, and began to tremble again.
"I'll take that as a yes," said Cal, in a valiant attempt at sounding like his normal self, but his voice was too unsteady for that.