I was sorting through some old, disorganized papers and found/rediscovered this story in amongst other things. I decided to post it up here for my amusement. Once upon a time, this parody fic was the result of a "creative" school project. My Mythology teacher at that time had a sense of humor, and so I remember that it got an 'A'... xD My poor teacher. You put up with so much from me. And I wasn't ever even sorry for it. hahaha...

I guess this is proof positive that, "Once a brat, always a brat." ^^ Oh well.

Since this has to be re-transcribed from a print out, my apologies for any errors that were caused (or missed) as a result of that. (If you catch any, please feel free to PM me so I can fix them- it drives me nuts, too.)

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ACT 1

Chapter 1: The Cause of the War

Once upon a time, a beautiful goddess fell in love with King Peleus, and he with she. However, the three greatest goddesses hated her and sought to deny her happiness. These three goddesses: Hera, Athena, and Aphrodite, had always been jealous of her collection of porcelain pigs, and now saw their opportunity to make Eris pay.

The vengeful goddesses blackened her name in the hopes of ruining her love with Peleus, but he stayed strong and refused to believe the vicious lies. But Athena had another idea and employed Aphrodite's services to change the unfortunate king's heart. With Hera's aid, a sea nymph consented to marrying the muddled Peleus... and when he woke from the love goddess's spell, it would be too late (mwaha!)

All the gods of Olympus were invited to the wedding- all except Eris, that is. The evil three knew that she could break the spell if given enough time with King Peleus. Eris would not be deceived, however. She discovered the wicked plot- but too late, she arrived just as the ceremony ended. Thetis, the sea nymph, had already become Peleus's wife.

Eris would not forgive this outrage. She swore to become the goddess of discord and tear these three goddesses apart. Hatching a clever plan, she used their vanity against them.

Taking a golden apple inscribed with the words "For the Fairest," she rolled it into the midst of the trio. Stricken with greed, all three goddesses began to squabble. The words soon turned to slaps, then to punches, kicks, and bites. The rest of the gods stayed far away- none desired the apple so much as to fight those rabid immortals for it.

Skin and flesh flew about the room. Hera scratched Athena's face, who bit her shoulder while ripping Aphrodite's hair out. Aphrodite called upon Cupid to poke out the eyes of the other two with his love arrows. (Luckily he was waylaid by Dionysus.) Finally, exhausted, the three females fell to the floor, their friendship forever broken. Eris had had her revenge.

The three goddesses would not let the apple deal go, though. They decided to get the judgement of Zeus about their fairness, but each spoke to him alone- Aphrodite threatened to let the cat out of the bag about his encounter with that cross dresser, Athena threatened to paint his shield bight pink, and Hera... Hera was his wife. Does she /need/ to threaten? So Zeus couldn't really choose any of the three without risking a terrible counterblow. He very wisely stayed out of the affair. Disgruntled, the goddesses decided to get the judgement of a mortal instead. The mortal they chose... was Paris.

Chapter 2: The Judgement of Paris

Paris, a simpleton, was far too stupid to understand the difference between sheep and apples, but, like most men, desired most highly for a lovely creature to satisfy his libido. (Whether it be the sheep or the apple.) When presented with the three goddesses' dilemna, he (quite naturally) didn't give a care about it- He was too busy staring at (or more appropriately, through) Aphrodite's transparent garment.

Each goddess plotted to take him aside and bribe him, as they had done with Zeus, but Aphrodite got to him first. Leaning seductively over him, the love goddess whispered hotly into his ear, "If you choose me, I will give you the love of the most lovely sheep that exists... but if you choose Hera or Athena, I will make sure you never get it up again."

Paris, charmed by her eloquent words, was too preoccupied with the concepts explained to him to even listen to Hera and Athena's proposals. He decided it wasn't worth pissing Aphrodite off, and gave her the apple. Aphrodite flipped the other two off and made off with the apple.

Hera and Athena, reasonably irritated with her antics, took out their rage on a nearby flock of sheep, unknowingly killing off the most lovely sheep in the land. However, this did not go unnoticed by Eris, who knew that Aphrodite must keep her promise. But with the most lovely sheep in the land gone, which sheep's love would Paris be given? The goddess of discord smiled darkly and made her way... to the court of Menelaus.

Chapter 3: The Sheep Called Helen

Helen, Menelaus's wife, was a beautiful woman, with feet three inches long, legs that reached to her neck, and one nice package in between. Her face wasn't so bad, either... save the fact that she looked eerily like a sheep. But that's another story. Helen had learned early on in life that men tended not to look at her face, and that the subject should not be brought up in polite conversation. Compliments about her always referred to what lay below the neck.

If Helen had been a nice old country girl, she might not have cared about the fact that her husband cared more about her legs than her mind. Helen of Troy was not, however, a nice old country girl. Over the year she had developed a terrible hatred of men; those slimy, useless creatures that strut around and proclaimed their manhood by marrying their mothers and killing their cousins. (However unbeknownst to them. It was still WRONG!) She knew, however, that a man was necessary in order to get anywhere in this world.

'It's too bad,' she would reflect, 'that a man could not be more like a woman; someone who would respect me, someone who also is considered weak and useless by her peers... and yet, I am sure there would be a band of iron will beneath such exterior! Some day I shall escape from this man-made prison and find my true soul mate!'

Like most feminists, Helen was considered quite mad, but since she had such nice legs her insanity was overlooked.

But why the long description of this wacko's character? What possible use do we have for focusing on someone so obviously demented? Well, that's what Eris asked herself... until, that is, she saw the lovely sheeplike face of Helen. She knew that Helen would be the perfect sheep for Paris. No one lovelier could exist, now that the most beautiful sheep in existence had been obliterated. Eris's smile grew darker. What a scandal it would be... Discord would be served once again. Eris flew back to Olympus in glee.

Chapter 4: Paris the Sheep Thief

Aphrodite was quite disgruntled when discovering that the most lovely sheep in existence had been killed moments after her promise to Paris. Despite her quirks, she still had enough respect for the dead that that particular sheep was off-limits for Paris's ardor. Imagine how overjoyed she was to hear that there was another lovely sheep- never mind that she was a feminist and the wife of a king! Heck, Eris was gonna marry that other king, and she'd helped screw up that wedding, right? She was a goddess of love, not marriage. It'd help her image to encourage an extra-marital affair between the sheep girl and Paris.

She quickly went to Paris and told him where to find her promised reward, and sent him on his way. Paris was just psyched to be getting his sheep at last. Over lots of miles he went, coming finally to Menelaus's court, where he was received as a guest. Menelaus, being the chump he was, showed Helen off like the prized china to Paris, who was instantly smitten. That face! Those eyes! That nose! Oh, and the legs were nice, too. While Menelaus skipped off to one of his business meetings, Paris wooed Helen.

Helen was astonished to find that Paris was enamored with her face instead of her attributes. He seemed to be a slight man, a man others might call a weakling or an idiot... but yet, those feminine curves of his face! The way his eyes opened too wide when he was spoken to! The long pause as he assimilated her husband's words! Perhaps... just perhaps... could not all men be masculine? Perhaps there could be a man who could touch her heart... someone kind and stupid, someone who could be manipulated in a manner that would give Helen the power in their relationship... could Paris be... the One?

Paris thought so. He went to Helen's room and complimented her on her sheeplike face, her dewy eyes. Her long, woolen hair. It was lust at first sight! Paris knew this was the promised sheep. Helen was smitten by his feminine looks and stupidity and agreed to be "captured" by the gallant youth. The two snuck out of the court and made a run for it. They were far away by the time Menelaus returned to find his wife gone.

Chapter 5: The Thousand Ships Launch

When Menelaus returned to find Helen gone, he called upon his neighbors for help. No one wanted to, but their union said that they had to help Menelaus, so there wasn't really much choice in the matter. All the neighbors save two grouped together to steal ships and practice with firearms. It was a merry old time, but it couldn't last.

There was a problem within the ranks. Evidently, one of their old friends had gone quite batty. Odysseus of Ithaca, the brave Odysseus, had been met by a terrible soap-opera-ish tragedy and was now sowing salt into his fields, claiming that the earth would grow the tears that were being shed in his manly heart over the loss of his friend Achilles. They had once been very close, those two, but a stupid arguement had torn them apart. Odysseus would fight no one, would kill no boars, would not even spit in the potted plants; he was so heartbroken.

He was so distraught that he chased his little son through the field, intent on plowing the boy. If his marriage had broken apart his friendship, then by kami-sama, he would destroy the product that that cursed marriage had produced! The messenger stopped him short, though.

"What would Achilles think of you, proud Odysseus, so broken by the loss of his friendship that you would kill your own son? He would think you weak! Are you weak, Odysseus? It was your strength that Achilles admired about you... your strength in your heart! Open up to him, let Achilles back into your heart! Come back with me to the camp where we shall indulge once more in sport and games! Come back and show all men how manly you are!"

Moved by the incredible speech, Odysseus dropped the plow, eyes wide, and spoke, "All this time, I thought it was my marriage that drove Achilles from me, but now, now I see that it was my own weakness! I will crush this weakness and return even greater than ever! Achilles, wait for me!"

Rushing out of the field, Odysseus ran to rejoin with his koibito... but where WAS Achilles? He must find him, apologize for his wicked ways- no, he wouldn't apologize. Men don't apologize. He would hit him in the shoulder and all would be well... but first, where would Achilles be?

Odysseus searched. Finally, one beautiful morning, when the sun shone brightly and clouds were blue in the skies, Odysseus discovered the whereabouts of his long-lost friend. Disguising himself as a peddler, he came with trinkets and swords to the court of Lycomedes. He knew that Achilles could not resist a nice sword. As he watched, one of the harem girls fingered his sword, and he knew the girl for Achilles, who had been disguised in order to leave his former life with Odysseus behind him and start again.

Odysseus gruffly punches Achilles in the shoulder, and Achilles knew he had found his... friend... again. Odsseus, forgiving Achilles in his heart, was forgiven by Achilles, though neither of them said anything like that. I mean, how sappy can you get? Ugh! So anyways, they both went to camp and did manly things like kill defenseless animals and hold hands and pick wildflowers. With the soap-opera-ish crisis averted, the ships could sail to retrieve Helen... or could they?

Chapter 6: The Sacrifice of Iphigenia

No, they couldn't. The wind was in a bad mood and didn't want to go. The thing was, it had its eye on this cute little number named Iphigenia who happened to be the daughter of the chief commander of the fleet, Agamemnon. Now, Agamemnon was the utmost example of a thick-skulled man, and didn't want anyone to take his daughter away. She was his daughter after all, damnit! But he would obey the wind, because they really did have to rescue the sheep girl and all that heroid, manly stuff. So he called his wife and told her to bring Iphigenia to the camp.

Wis wife, well accustomed to be wary of her husband, asked why. Agamemnon came up with a devious plan- he told his wife that their daughter was to be married to the great hero Achilles, who was, of course, perfectly happy with Odysseus by now and didn't want any whiny little female disturbing their fun times.

Iphigenia's mother still suspected, but her daughter somehow got word of the supposed wedding, and in her ambitiousness she demanded to be bought to the wedding. Her mother said no, and so the maiden ran away to the camp. When she discovered her daughter's absence, Iphigenia's mother followed her to the camp.

Iphigenia, being the bratty little conniving female she was, was shocked at finding she had been deceived- she believed herself far too clever to be tricked.

"Why have you lied to me, father? There lays Odysseus, holding Achilles! What do you mean by deceiving me about this... this queer, who was to be my husband?" Iphigenia screeched at her sire. Driven into madness by the hideous sound of her voice and the insults at his friends, her father grabbed various kitchen instruments such as knives, cheese graters, and sporks, and fileted his irritating daughter.

Her mother, running into the camp, saw the gory spectacle and lost her lunch- proving after all that she had once more violated her oath to become a vegetarian. Agamemnon didn't see his wife; he was lost in the red madness that Iphigenia had brought down upon him. Screaming in incoherent and bloody gory, he laughed and laughed and laughed as the girl's blood splattered all over the place, permanantly staining several peoples' tunics. Later Agamemnon would feel sorry for his action, but he would make reparations by buying everyone a brand new tunic even better than the old ones.

The wind, suddenly freed of its obsession with Iphigenia, rejoiced at the fact that it had not, after all, been brought down by Aphrodite's arrows. It gladly helped its fellows and made the boats go. They sailed far and fast and left Iphigenia's mother in the dust and blood, leaving her to clean up the mess that was once Iphigenia. Hatred of the men slowly worked its way into her bosom with each sponge that was dirtied, and by the time the camp was cleaned and her beautiful dress was in ruins, the Queen had decided that she would get revenge on them. She stalked home and took a long bath, simmering in her rage. The time would come that she would get them... she would get them all.