The NBC Merry-Go-Round

Author's Note: Just a fun little script I cooked up for the next (hopefully nonexistent) time the show decides to do NBC again. It's not necessarily in character or anything, it merely tries to be funny and cute. A parody, if you will?
Disclaimer: I don't own Super Smash Brothers, but when I play Kirby, the world bows at my feet. I also have failed to obtain the rights to Gossip Girl, but after reading this, you might be thankful of that :)

Time: Shortly after 1.18 "Much 'I Do' About Nothing

Place: Chuck's suite, room 1812

Interior Chuck's suite. Mid afternoon. It is a hot day in the middle of the summer, but Chuck Bass is hiding out inside with his best friend, Nate Archibald. He is unprepared to face the world, for everyone knows he ditched his recent love, Blair Waldorf, at a helipad instead of going with her on a trip to Europe. He loves her, sure, but why should he have to give up all the lovely ladies of the Upper East Side just to cater to the loveliest of them all? Worst of all, now Blair is back and she is mad as hell.

The sounds of Grand Theft Auto are coming from the television; Chuck and Nate are deep in concentration. There are chips, dip, and bottles of scotch strewn about the suite. Perhaps Chuck hasn't had the room cleaned in days, which is odd, considering he's had at least one hotel employee in his bed every night for the past week.

Chuck pauses the game and turns to his buddy:

Chuck: I really screwed up, man. I don't think I'm ready for Blair yet.

Nate: Want me to take her off your hands until you become sufficiently man enough? I have been missing her in a vague, undefined way lately...

C: Sure, but shouldn't I get something in return for my trouble?

N: I'll play you 16 games of Super Smash Bro Melee, and you get to be Kirby every time.

C: Sweet

Interior Blair's apartment. Nate enters through the elevator, unwelcome.

Nate: Blair, guess what? We're dating again!

Blair: Excuse me? I'm a little busy trying to get back at Chuck to bother dating you again.

N: But don't you see? There's no better way to get back at Chuck than to date me.

B: You do make a good point.

N: Plus, I already spent 16 Kirbys on you.

B: WTF? Is that a flower you bought for me or something?

N: …sweatdrop… I see why we didn't work out the first time around.

Montage of the various women Chuck finds himself in bed with, each of which fails to properly excite him.

Chuck: (thrusting rhythmically with a bored look on his face, rushing to get each girl out the door and bring in the next. One sentence for each girl:) Lame. Gross. Fat. Blonde. Is that a wart or a pimple? Waay too loose. Okay, get out of my bed.

He turns to the audience, an aside:

Chuck: Clearly, despite the fact that I am Chuck Bass and I carry a sexy scarf with me wherever I go, Blair Waldorf is the only woman for me. I wear this manwhore façade to hide the emo pain I feel within whenever I see her walking down the street with Nate, looking bored out of her mind, licking an ice cream and wishing it were me instead of the vanilla she's subjecting herself to. I would be Rocky Road, you know. How did I ever enjoy sex before I had it in the back of my limo? …What's that you say? I should win her back? Brilliant idea, audience members! I shall speak to Nathaniel immediately.

Exterior Central Park. Nate is smoking a joint, wondering why Blair still won't sleep with him. Chuck rolls his own, is about to light it, then thinks better of it and begins:

Chuck: Yeah, I think I'll be needing Blair back now. You can play Kirby this time.

Nate: I don't think so, Chuck. I'm going to need to be Mr. Game if you're getting B back.

C: But I haven't unlocked him yet! I gave you B for Kirby! WTF, dude?

N: When you give me your girlfriend, you're agreeing to her value. It's not my fault you don't know what a Waldorf is worth.

Chuck angrily lights the joint and touches it against Nate's arm. Nate keels over in pain and Chuck skips away to cry silently in a corner.

In said corner, Chuck pulls out his phone and calls his number one frienemy: Dan Humphrey. Dan picks up after one ring, too depressed about his messy break-up with Serena to do anything else.

Dan: Heartbreak Hotel speaking.

Chuck: I made a mistake and I need to fix it.

D: What do you need? If it's arbitrary judgments that cause you to ruin the best relationship of your life, I've got those for you in spades.

C: No, I need you to unlock Mr. Game for me.

D: What?! I am a tortured soul here! I am too busy writing poetry about Serena's golden locks in my own blood. I do not have time for foolish games as I weep for the loss of my dream girl- the perfect woman I once created from the clay. Plus, I am destitute. I can barely afford Top Ramen, let alone GameCube.

C: STFU, asshole.

Interior Blair's apartment. Chuck enters through the elevator, always welcome even when you wouldn't know it. Blair eyes him hungrily and waits for him to speak. He does not. Then:

Blair: What are you doing here, Chuck? I'm supposed to go on a date with Nate in twenty minutes.

Chuck: Nate bores you.

B: Yes, but what's your point?

C: Aren't you tired of making me jealous?

B: How could I ever tire of that? You're cute when you're jealous.

C: Well, I'm tired. It's time to go for a ride in my limo.

B: But what about Nate?

C: I'll just tell him I love you again, he'll get over it.

B: But you don't love me.

C: silence

B: Right. The limo it is. But next can we do my dining room table? I'd love to ruin Eleanor's appetite.