Honestly Ok
Disclaimer: Fairyoftheclouds does not own Please Save My Earth, Honestly OK, or much else for that matter, including a decent computer, a copy of PSME, Life For Rent (much Dido is good for me), mechanical pencils, or Romeo and Juliet. She claims no rights to characters, song lyrics, references, or outakes from anything and everything that has been used, as they belong to their respective owners. No money is being made, and no infringement is intended. ...My, isn't that a mouthful...
Rated: PG13 The ending is very...different...especially for me...
Warnings: shounen-ai, yaoi, slash, male/male whatever. No likies, no reading and complaining. And since my skills at writing conversations aren't very good, expect some lameness -.-;;; My knowledge on this fandom is limited, since I've only been able to see the English anime (why will no one tell me about the Sakura/Issei thing?) EXTREMELY STRANGE. . It wasn't intended to go off in this direction, but it's here anyway. Somewhat corny NO FLAMES 'waves sledgehammer' You have been warned.
Summary: Songfic to Dido's Honestly Ok. In which Issei contemplates his existence and exactly why he loves Jinpachi.
Dedicated: to AmaltheaBluefire. Cause I stole her DVD. 'ducks assortment of sharp objects and rotten vegetables'
A/N- lalalalala, hi! Yes, I'm actually updating my ff account. Me PSME fic is finally here
Oh, we're off to see the wizard, the wonderful wizard of Oz!...don't ask...
12/22/04 Hihi, people, attempted reformating, dunno how well it will turn out, or if it will work at all tried to post another fic and the formatting was haywire .'' anyway, that should be up soon. No changes to the story, just minor spelling, which could prolly still be wrong spell check doesn't recognize the word 'Ow' ...dude, i wrote better during the summer...though i must say, much influence from Romeo and Juliet...-wince- Merry Christmas, pples!
Honestly Ok
Creak. The rusty chains of the swing set creak as I am pushed in and out of the fresh spring breeze, my bangs whipped against my face. Creak. My feet fly up, seemingly above the glowing treetops, outlined in a brilliant light, the stillness of the empty park echoes the creaks of the straining swing, back and forth the same direction that my life has been traveling in, up and down, the same road. Again. I tilt my head back to gaze at the burning heavens, ignoring the glare against my eyes, to watch as the chariot of Helios plunges into the River Styx. The moon rises palely to the east, as all my torment rises with it. I gave up, trying to pretend that I wasn't letting my past run my future, when I decided against going to the meetings. I started coming here instead, because the calming feel of the air rushing against my skin clears away delusion and depression, if not temporarily. Strangely this was where Jinpachi and I first found out that we were having the same dreams.
Jinpachi begged, yelled and stormed away when I told him, but when I decided not to meet the others, I also decided that I wasn't going to humor Jinpachi anymore. Because knowing that I've done this before and that the same will happen again brings me to tears. So I started cutting off ties to the rest of the moon people, thinking that it would make my memory leave me alone.
But that will never happen, because of what I am, and the curse that comes along with it. And because everyone expects me to go on like this without thinking for a moment that if they're suddenly falling for old loves that maybe we all are. They're so caught up in trying to get what they lost so that they will be happy with they're second chance at life, but they end up making the same mistakes and falling on they're faces. Just like me.
Being in love with Gyokuran in one lifetime was bad enough, but to be born again to live through the same misery isn't worth it. Yes, I admit that I'm completely in love with Jinpachi, and that I've been chasing after him with my heart in my hands and my foot in my mouth. Back then I thought that my dreams were just rubbing off, that I was living more in memories than in reality. But after the day on the bridge, when my brain finally focused on the truth, I started wondering exactly why I loved him. I am Enju, so it seems like I'm supposed to like him, but I'm also Issei, who wants to slap Jinpachi's face until it turns purple.
But how can I be alien and human, a dead woman and a living boy, on the moon and on Earth, at the same time? I know that there has to be some part of me that's only Issei Nishikiori, a 16 year-old boy in Japan with three essays to turn in at school that he's going to be late for tomorrow morning.
Or does Issei Nishikiori just not exist at all?
I just want to feel safe in my own skin, I just want to be happy again
It's funny how everyday there's news about another corporate or governmental scandal, when the government might not even be there. All these people running around trying to keep Bob or Joe from getting their hands on something or the other, going to extravagant extremes to cover up something else and then plot a few murders in their spare time. Conspire to hide old conspiracies, when the air you're breathing is a probably a conspiracy itself. Just an idea some five-year old came up with one day, and everything is just a figment of their imagination, while they live in a real world. We're all playthings that will be forgotten in a few years when the five-year-old grows up.
Instead everyone walks around, not bothering, not giving a care, since the idea has never been voiced to common everyday people. They have no reason to, after all. I gave up thinking I was a normal person, too. Why bother, if your not really there?
But they try and try and plot to get through some random barrier or the other. You go to school and try to do well so that you have lots of money, but your going to die off anyway. You get a job as a waiter so that you can save up money for something and then a year later you don't like it anymore. You put all your time into something and then when your finally done twenty years later it all seems so, so
Stupid.
Stupid because now that you're done you think everything you sacrificed was more worth your time. Stupid because now that you're done you have to do fifty other pointless things to keep it. Stupid because now even though you're done, you don't care about it anymore.
I know that this is probably just rantings from a brain too used to watching things walk up and slip away, and from not thinking about it when there was time to, and all that other crap. I know that I should get over myself since Jinpachi is forever fated to be a stupid fool. It might even be make things easier to cope with, if they don't exist. At least I would know for sure.
Still, it would be very gratifying if I could wake up from a coma in the hospital and have someone tell me that I've been there for almost a year, so all my 'memories' are just side affects from many mixed medicines.
Jinpachi, if I don't exist at all, do you?
I just want to feel deep in my own world
But I'm so lonely I don't even want to be with myself anymore
Rin spilled in the end, about his plot to destroy the moon base, when he asked for our key words. I was the first person he asked, aside from Haru. And somehow he seemed to know, the next day, after I had fallen asleep the night before tossing and turning, trying to keep my mind clear, to keep from dreaming dreams that pound my fate into my brain. He probably found it pathetic, how Gyokuran was all I cared about however many years ago it was. He's probably right, too. It's what I remember clearly, these days, from my moon dreams, the words of light appearing on a dead computer screen fading away with regaining conscience, to be burned forever in my brain.
Unrequited love is only obsession.
I am not obsessed with Jinpachi, no matter what he seems to think. I do not go around stalking him. I do not try to climb through his window at two in the morning just so that I can watch him sleep. I do not stare at him as much as possibly can at school and then stare at the thousands of pictures on my wall at home trying to decide which on to kiss first. I am NOT obsessed with my best friend.
And yet all I can dream about when I'm not dreaming of the moon is of you. Of a perfect world where everyone got everything they wanted, but Molkuren didn't exist to screw up everything I could have had. Where the memories of stolen kisses are not memories or daydreams; they are real. I am real. You are real. The rest of the world is real but somehow not there. There is no moon, only me and only you. And there is no moon.
I. Am. Not. Obsessed.
I am not going crazy, and I am not in denial. I already admitted I love Jinpachi. I admit that if there were any possible chance for me to have Jinpachi I would leap on it faster than you could say 'Molkuren'. I admit that the only person who will understand exactly why other than me is Shusuran. Though I don't really understand myself. I admit that I trust her more than I trust myself. Though strangely, it was Shukaido who randomly said one day that you shouldn't spill your life story to anyone until you really know who they are. I should have listened, but it never crossed my mind that Shusuran wasn't the only one who could tell that I was blindly chasing Gyokuran. And I admit that my dream is only a dream, wish only a wish, fantasy only a fantasy.
Jinpachi, Gyokuran, whoever and whatever you are. I love you.
I should have declined when Rin asked if I wanted to see the moon base. I should have said no and spared myself from seeing what started the lovely tragic circle that plays over and over in my head. But it turned out that everyone was going and Jinpachi gave my one of those please-pretty-please-with-sugar-on-top-besides-it-will-be-fun looks that I haven't been able to say no to since he first told me about being Gyokuran. So I went.
The surface is cold and barren, the inside of the base colder and more barren still. Looking at the greenhouse, the main computer room, the plain white walls of every room let the whole drama play before my eyes. This is where Hiragi would download earth music for Molkuren. This is where I used to cry after talking to Gyokuran. This is Shukaido's laboratory. This is where I told Gyokuran I loved him. This is where Hiragi told us that Gyokuran was dead.
And this is where the bodies of Gyokuran, Shusuran, Hiragi, Shukaido, and I were preserved.
The room is small, with reflective black tile flooring. At least it looks like tile. It feels like glass. The pods are metal and a weird greenish glass, throwing faces in a surreal light, making both the dead bodies and us look like space aliens from sci-fi movies. They were arranged in two columns on the sides of the room: one with three, one with four. Gyokuran, Shusuran, Hiragi, and Shukaido are all along one wall. I am with the others, between two empty pods separate and isolated from the other scientists. Strange, because Shukaido died after me. Everything is neat and clean as if a maid had cleaned everything every single day since death finally took over the base. It's freaky. But more freaky are the pods themselves.
After all these years, they still open.
On a different day if I was safe in my own skin, then I would feel lost and so frightened
I didn't mean to open the pod. Pushing the button was an accident. I mean, dead bodies really smell. Looking back, I should have gone right to seeing which button closes them. But she, I, Enju, whatever. The key on the necklace was pretty. One of those old fashioned things, which are imitated by manufacturers today. And there was something about her, the way she looked the way the key was so out in the open, so inviting. Take it, it said, It's yours. And I did. Before I knew I did it was in my hands and the pod was sealed.
I got Haru to take me back to the base to put back the key a few weeks ago. There were no buttons, no switches, nothing. He looked at me funnily and took me back to Earth.
Rin showed us the entire base before we destroyed it. Every square inch. The kitchen. The labs. The ventilator shafts. The crew quarters.
I didn't turn back at the observatory. I didn't turn back at the greenhouse. I could have turned back at any time in the room with the bodies. It would still have been safe, with no harm done. Or with minimal harm done. Taking the necklace off my dead body and then leaving would still have been fine. I should have turned back when got to living quarters. But I didn't. I was curious, and keys usually open things. I wanted answers. Needed answers. Now I need more than ever. I could have even turned away when I found the locked chest, and everything would have been fine. I would have wondered what was in it my entire life, but that would have been better than finding the diary. Enju's diary. My diary.
I looked at the diary, stared at the soft leather-like cover with a silver moon embossed on the front and turned it over slowly in my hands. I wondered why luck made it so that Enju did something as cliché as keeping a diary and why fate had to be cliché enough to make me find it. I had to find it and open it and answer all the questions that needed answering and then I could walk away from the rubble of the moon base with a sound and comforted mind. But I knew that this is not what would happen and I would really only spend the rest of my life waiting for the unshed tears to come so that I could joyfully drown on them. So I threw the book as far from me as I could, knowing that it contained only misery, and ran, ran fast and hard until I reached Rin and Haru and made them, forced them, begged to them, pleaded to them to take me back to earth, or just far, far away and never mention this place again. Which they immediately did, and I fell upon the ground, crying, never to leave it again.
I should stop imaging things like this, and stop making up happy dreams of alternate realities where for once in my life I did something that was good for my sanity. Though they are much preferable to what I actually say, think, and do.
I looked at the diary, stared at the soft leather-like cover, embossed with a silver moon on the front, and turned it over slowly in my hands. I wondered why luck made it so that Enju did something as cliché as keeping a diary and why fate had to be cliché enough to make me find it. And without a lock. There's just a little old-fashioned buckle keeping it closed. But I guess if you keep your diary in a locked chest with the key around your neck, you probably don't need one. Or maybe she never expected anyone to find it. So I can read it, right?
Enie meani minnie moe, catch a tiger by his toe...
I still could have turned back, or thrown the book to the floor and jumped on it screaming my head off about life throwing me rotten lemons, or just run away, like I did in my fantasy. But of course I didn't, or simply didn't want to. If you're in to your shoulders, you might as well wade until the water is up to your chin. Sometimes you just give up on caring. So I opened it, praying that all the unanswerable questions might at least have hints or clues to answers.
"Enju?" Gyokuran asks, coming into my lab as he often does whenever he's completely bored out of his wits. Which is rather often.
"Over here." I say, waving from my computer. "Don't you ever have work?" I can't help but ask. I love Gyokuran, even though he doesn't know it, but I have a job .
He grins. I love it when he grins. "Yes. But I work quickly, unlike some people." he says, poking me. Something else he does rather often. He glances at the various charts on the screen and flinches. "Any way I just wanted to ask you something."
Question? Suddenly everyone either wants to ask me a question or get advise from me. Like the Kirchess Molkuren. Really, it's all very strange.
Gyokuran interrupts me from my reverie. "Do you think I have even the slightest of chances with Molkuren?"
I'm proud of myself. I didn't jump, scream, faint, or fall out of my chair.
"Enju?"
I turn around, surprised. Molkuren doesn't usually stop for talk. Truly, she spends most of the time gazing at the Earth. And I haven't cooked anything lately, so nothing should have blown up...
"Molkuren," I say, sounding as surprised as I feel, "Is something wrong?"
She stares at me for a moment, probably wondering why I always think of the worst first. "No, nothings wrong. I was just wondering...what do you know about Shion?"
It's my turn to stare. Huh? Molkuren wants to talk to me about Shion? For...well, for what, for that matter?
"Uh, nothing?" I say, "Well, he and Gyokuran are good friends, but that's...it..." I trail off. This is too strange. Kirchess Molkuren wants info on guys?
"Oh," she says, looking disappointed, "I just thought that since you and Gyokuran are such good friends that maybe..."
The silence is awkward. She's not really a friend, like Shusuran.
I laugh, to break the stretch of stillness. "No, Gyokuran doesn't talk much about his past. I know about as much about him as you do." And that's true. When posts for crafts are assigned away from our home planet, none knows anything about anyone more than their name. Done on purpose, with all the battles on every side. Supposedly when you join a class 1 Galaxy Outreach team you leave behind your past so that you can 'plot out our world's future with an uncorrupted mind'. I think it's just so that there's no mutiny. Identity is dangerous to know, these days. "Why, a sudden order for background checks to make sure we all got on the right craft?" I joke, trying to steer the conversation away from Gyokuran. It's weak. We all know our home world doesn't exist any longer.
She smiles though, faintly. "No, actually, I was just..." I raise an eyebrow. Gyokuran says it makes me look like a school headmistress. She smiles wider, and suddenly looks like a girl making a deep confession. "I love him," she says.
...Oh, my...Really? I was so sure she liked...
"I know it seems like I really love Shukaido." she says waving her hand as if to toss the notion aside, "But Shion is really just so, so" she waves her hands trying to find the words.
I grin. This much, I can understand. "Perfect?" I say finishing for her.
She grins, slightly abashed, slightly relived that I understand. "Yes." She pauses, and then looks at me. "Thank you," she says. And manages to sound like she really means it.
"For what?" I ask, the words jumping right out of my mouth.
"For listening," she says, smiling a curiously strange smile, "I know that sometimes people expect me to be...more than I really am. But, but sometimes I feel like...everyone expects me to act, think, behave like a perfect person. That everything I say and do is for good. That everything is so clear cut for me, that I have not a single problem trying to decide what I'm going to do or amount to. It's nice to know that you can still talk to me like a normal person."
"I...uh...thanks..." I say, unable to think of anything better. Thanks? For listening? She's definitely out of her mind. Shusuran is the great listener and advise giver. She gives advise that actually works. Me, I need all the help I can get. I madly in love with Gyokuran, and doesn't even have a clue. Was I staring throughout her speech?
She glances at the glowing screen, which I have been staring at. "I'm sorry," she says, grimacing at the same charts Gyokuran flinched at. "I've been rambling. You should get back to your work." She pats my shoulder, smiles that smile again and walks through the door.
"Enju? Enju! Enju, wake UP!"
Gyokuran vigorously shakes my shoulder again as I open my eyes and stare in befuddlement into his. "Wha? What happened? Has Hiragi made the asparagus yet? With diakon?" I ask, sitting up. It's then I realize I was lying down. On the floor.
Gyokuran gives me a little smile. "You fell asleep and slid out of your chair." he says amused, "And Hiragi says if you ever want to have asparagus again, you'll have to cook it yourself, even if you destroy half the kitchen in the process. I was just saying..." he colors slightly. "Well, I guess I really am just hopelessly in love with Molkuren. And she is absolutely perfect to me. You know what I mean?" he asks, looking at me suddenly.
Yes Gyokuran. I know exactly what you mean.
"Uhh...no? Besides, Molkuren is in love with Shion." I say, stretching. A nap really would be nice right now.
The silence that follows prompts me to turn to Gyokuran, who is staring at me with his mouth open.
Wait. Did I just say that last part out loud?
"Wha-What!" Gyokuran splutters, incredulity spreading rapidly across his face." That...
Oops. Oh crap. I'm going to go make the asparagus now, excuse me...
I close my eyes, dropping the book. My head hurts. Colors swirl in front of my face as they are embraced by the cool of the waiting darkness.
But this is today and I'm lost in my own skin
"So now your all bummed up because you think Alice doesn't like you anymore." I confirm. Listening to Jinpachi's tale has given me a headache.
"Yeah." he says, leaning against the cool iron rail and staring dejectedly at the bridge.
I groan and allow my head to fall into my hands. "I hate it when you do this." I grumble.
"I'm sorry, Issei." Jinpachi apologizes, turning around to face the glimmering water below us, which he promptly starts staring into. "I just had to tell Alice how I felt."
How you felt? How you FELT? So now you don't like her anymore? What is wrong with you? my mind screams at Jinpachi, if she's really Molkuren then she's in love with Shion and there's nothing you can so! If she's not then she feels guilty about Rin's accident and there's STILL nothing you can do! "Jinpachi are you 100 convinced that she's Molkuren?" I ask instead, "You don't have the slightest doubt about her in your mind?" Like everybody else? The pissed off part of me screams to be heard. He shakes his head, still gazing at the water below. Mentally, I sigh. "I guess what's bothering me most about your situation is that your behaving exactly like Gyokuran did,"
"You think so?"
YES I DO! the voice inside my head shouts at Jinpachi, actually I KNOW so! Just LISTEN to yourself! The anger bubbles. "Hey do you really think you know who I am?" I ask, wanting to bonk him on the head with a heavy object, "You think, act, and talk just like Gyokuran. You have some nerve telling me about your romantic troubles. Jinpachi." I add, colder than I intended. Or exactly as I intended.
He turns quickly to face me. "You're still in love with Alice, aren't you?" he says, understanding flashing across his face. And surprise. "You told me so you self."
No Jinpachi, I didn't tell you so myself, You just assumed so. Like you always do. I look at him sadly. You really are blind with love, Jinpachi. "Or did I?" I answer. At least he could have made it sound like a question.
His temper is dying in flames. "Will you quit looking at me like that?" he says, annoyed. Oh, so you're annoyed, Jinpachi? "It's really weird, stop."
He doesn't understand. I have no idea how, if he's just to blind or if he simply refuses, but he must understand. "You're not the only one possessed by your own incantation." I say, taking a step forward. "Cause, basically, I..." I trail off. My arms are around his neck, and he's staring, lost for words. I kiss him. He freezes from the shock, then tenses, fighting, while I cling on, still kissing him. Desperately. He must understand.
I rush in, quickly shutting the door behind me as tears glisten on my face in the poor light of the small room. I sit on the cold floor, and gaze up at the gigantic paintings on the walls. Landscapes. From the home world. Streams in forests, rivers, waterfalls, lakes. This is where I come to throw my mind into the alternate reality that I used to live in, to forget everything that is just outside the door. It was irrational of me to do such a stupid thing as kissing Gyokuran, especially after I knew of his love for Molkuren. I will pay, as I have for everything else that I have done, and for everything I am yet to do. I can't force him to love me.
Enju? Enju!
"Enju? Enju!"
Gyokuran pounds on the door before trying the knob. Which is unlocked because I forgot to lock it. Pay for everything, and pay in full.
"Enju!"
"Enju!" Gyokuran dashes in, nearly tripping over my back. He looks down at my face and wraps his arms around me when he spots the tears that are washing the floor. I push him off, once, twice, thrice, and keep fighting. He loves Molkuren. He shouldn't even look at me. I tell him so.
Nonsense, Enju. I shouldn't come to you with all my problems. You're another one of us stuck on this forsaken base. I should have listened to you.
"Nonsense, Enju. I shouldn't come to you with all my problems. You're another one of us stuck on this forsaken base. I should have listened to you." he says, managing to pin my arms at my sides while wrapping his own around me in a hug.
"No Gyokuran." I say, scrubbing angrily at the tears, "It's not nonsense. I shouldn't try to make you love me. I should have said something. A long time ago." I sniff, and attempt to wipe my eyes again, hitting my nose instead while he pats my back. "I-I...you...I just...I love you. I can't make you understand, and I just don't care anymore." I collapse. Honestly I don't. I'm ok, fine really. I just don't care.
You don't have to.
He lifts my face with his fingers, and gazes steadily into my eyes. "You don't have to." he whispers. And then he bends his head down to mine, to make his lips meet mine, softly to silence my sorrows.
Enju, I love you, I love you Enju, I love you, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Just tell her you love her and everything will be fine, just tell her you love her and everything will be fine, just tell her you love her and everything will be fine, just tell her you love her and everything will be fine. I love you, I love you I LOVE YOU ENJU...
He says nothing, and a single tear rolls anew down my face, which he doesn't see, doesn't feel, and will never know about. You don't love me, Gyokuran, I think to myself, before I let myself fall into this bliss.
"What the hell are you doing?" Jinpachi exclaims furiously, scrubbing a hand across his mouth, "What's gotten into you?"
Oceans well in my eyes as I turn away. "I'm just kidding. It's just a joke." I say. And then I run.
Issei?
"Issei?"
I open my eyes to stare at the ceiling before answering. "Jinpachi?" It is Jinpachi.
...Are you ok?
He pauses. "Are you ok?" he asks, his voice carefully controlled.
I blink at the ceiling before sitting up in my old bed, and give Jinpachi a strange look that I hope isn't too fake. "Of course I am." I say, stretching. Why does he keep repeating himself? "Just taking a nap." Lame, but probably somewhat true. I smile and bend down, picking up the small book, which is on the floor. The buckle is neatly clasped, as if it had never been opened. I finger the leather strap before looking up at Jinpachi. Our gazes meet, and he turns away, looking at the diary, the open chest, the walls. At everything that isn't me.
Rin was looking for you. We're leaving now.
"Rin was looking for you," he says, suddenly but not unexpectedly, "We're leaving now." And then he turns and walks away.
I stare at the book before me, not bothering to watch him go. I pick it up and follow him out, vaguely wondering when we all started following Rin, before the last entry slowly surfaces from the back of my brain to in front of my eyes.
This is not real. This is not real. This is not real. This is not real. This is not real. This is not real. This is not real. This is not real. This is not real. This is not real. This is not real. This is not real. This is not real. This is not real. This is not real. This is not real. This is not real. This is not real. This is not real. This is not real. This is not real. This is not real. This is not real. This is not real. This is not real. This is not real...
And time erases only all that is.
Why, if I must love Gyokuran while he will forever ignore me, why must he be in my head? Gods, what have I done? Sarjalim, if it's because I've come to odds with your chosen Molkuren, why must he be in my HEAD?
I'm sorry, Enju, that you have to be proved so wrong, again and again, but time does not erase all. If time erased all, I wouldn't be here to swing back and forth while the world moves on with life and I muddle in the past, to change what is unalterable. If time erased all, I would be a decomposing corps on the isolated surface of the moon, instead of a 16 year-old boy breathing on earth. If time erased all, I wouldn't have walked out of the base with your diary in your hands and your jewelry around your neck. If time erased all, I wouldn't think of Jinpachi the way I thought of Gyokuran, the way I think of Gyokuran, and fall in the never ending well of rejection that is drowning my mortal soul.
There was time, I suppose, a lifetime ago, where everything could have been corrected, could have been fixed so that now I would know if I should bother to wish upon a star or just laugh at myself and focus on something else. There was time, a lifetime ago, to make sure that now I wouldn't be utterly alone in an unreal world. There was time, a life time ago, for me to make you love me.
But you Gyokuran, you were the first to die.
And I'm so lonely I don't even want to be with myself anymore
Creak. The rusty chains rattle while the swing set creaks, the noise cutting sharply through the calm night air and the chaos of my memories. Aurora's curtain is fully closed, and the moon shines brightly, surpassing the glory credited to the stars. Creak. My feet fly up, over the shadowed trees, above the stars, to cover the moon, as if from here they can trod over whatever fate has dictated and forge their own pathway through the heavens. To find something real in a nonexistent universe covered so carefully by lies. Wistfully. Wishfully. Hopelessly.
Creak. I'm pushed up again, and this time my feet miss the moon, by a hairs breath. A hairs breath that makes all the difference. So close to a horizon impossible to reach.Creak. As always. And all because I love Gyokuran. Jinpachi.
Creak.
I just want to feel
"Issei?"
I twist on the swing to see Jinpachi walking towards me. "Hi," I say, not expecting to find him here. Going to parks isn't really a pastime of his.
He sits down next to me and starts pushing himself until we're swinging at the same level. "I used to come here a lot when I was younger." he says, dangling his feet in the air and looking at the sprawling landscape below us, "I used to scare my babysitter by jumping off onto the hill." He grins, lost to the memory. " The first time I did, she nearly screamed, and then yelled at me the entire way home."
I try to imagine a five-year-old version of Jinpachi jumping off a swing set, laughing and waving his arms in the air before landing gymnast-style onto the grass below. I wince. It's hard to imagine him not screaming the entire way dawn and then have his babysitter that told him he deserved it because the whole feat was foolery. "And you probably had lots of fun doing so." I say, shaking my head. So Jinpachi was a psycho even before I knew him. How unsurprising.
His grin widens. "Actually, I was crying because I whacked my head on my knee." he says, laughing. "But I landed properly the next time. It's really fun." he looks at me curiously. "Jump on three?" he asks.
I look down and suppress a shudder. "No way." I say, shaking my head vigorously.
Jinpachi's eyes glint. Crap. "Come on Issei," he says, very likely imitating his babysitter, "It's really not that far down."
"Come on Issei," I mimic, putting on my best Hi-I'm high-off-Windex-and-am-having-delusions-want-to-join-me? voice. "You'll have fun if your neck is broken."
"Isseiiiiiiiii!" Jinpachi says, sighing exasperatedly, "It's not scary at all. If you jump I'll tell you a secret." he adds in a wheedling tone.
"Secret first." I say, buying myself time. Jinpachi will probably talk for an hour and forget, anyway.
He looks at me suspiciously for a moment before giving in. "Fine." he says, "I had this really weird dream."
I roll my eyes. "Big secret, Jinpachi," I say, slowing down slightly and plotting which way I should run when I stop. He was right to be suspicious. "I have really weird dreams all the time. Like this one where Sensei made an announcement to the whole class on how you acquired a brain..."
"Shut up!" Jinpachi says, mock glaring, before continuing, "Not weird like that, sci-fi weird."
"So you're admitting you don't have a brain?" I can't help but jab, grinning.
"NO!" Jinpachi throws a dime from his pocket at me, while I grin on, missing by a good four feet, "I was on the moon, but it wasn't really me." He stops, probably expecting a comment on how only space alien doctors could give him a brain anyway, but goes on when I say nothing, "I was this scientist named Gyokuran. There were six other scientists on this base with me; Hiragi, Shusuran, Shion, Molkuren, Shukaido, and Enju. And we're all watching the Earth for some strange reason."
As he keeps explaining, I can't explain why, but it all seems really familiar. When I finally realize, I nearly fall off the swing.
"And then you cried like a baby when Shukaido pierced your ears." I can't help but blurt, knowing the dream too well.
"And then I cried like...Hey how did you...?" He trails off and comes to a stop next to me, eyes the size of teacups. "I knew those dreams seemed way too real," he breathed, "But I didn't think that all the other people could be real!" He stops to give me a look of awe. "You're Shukaido?" he asks, sure of himself, but scarcely believing.
My face is coloring. I know it is. I didn't think they were real because..."No..." I say, looking down.
He gasps. "You're...You're ENJU?" he exclaims.
Safe in my own skin
Still determinedly staring holes in the ground, I nod in shame.
Jinpachi, benefiting from having the grace of a donkey, falls out of his swing onto the grass below
We didn't jump off the swings that day. We were too busy trying to recall every little detail of every one of the 'moon dreams' that the idea cleanly slipped from our minds. Once school started, we talked about our dreams in the courtyard instead. We did come back once, because in a dream, Enju confessed to Gyokuran that she was afraid of heights. Jinpachi dared me that I could jump, and that I didn't want to that one day because I am scared of heights too. So when I jumped and landed on my feet the first time, he owed me ice cream.
It's strange, really, how when I do everything I can not to think of Jinpachi or anyone else for that matter, that I should come here, where my clearest memories have to be centered on my only love. And the moon. That everything I seek refuge from offers refuge itself. So that whenever the swing set creaks its a constant reminder that what I'm running from is all that really is real. That I should give up and embrace the fact that nothing I will ever do will change it, real or not real. Love, fear, and happiness are only in your head. So now, as I swing on the old swing set in the darkness of the night, bathed in the light of celestial bodies, I slowly empty my mid, to block out the dreams of hoping for happiness while surrounded by lies. And curse you, Gyokuran, for letting Enju believe that some day, you might love her. Curse you, Enju, for being unable to realize that Gyokuran will wail for Molkuren for the rest of his life. Curse you, Jinpachi, for being Gyokuran, and for being blind to me even though I've known you longer than anyone. And curse me, for being Enju, for falling for my best friend, for being unable to live with without satisfaction, and for dancing to the tune of the moon and the destroyed mind of a woman who called it home.
I just want to be
The air stirs, coolly rustling through the tall grass, flinging my hair into my face and caresses my bared hands. Branches crackle as the wind picks up and the swing thrashes around pulling me in wild circles with it. In the silence and stillness that follows, I stare up once more at the moon, merrily glowing symbol of misery. Of my stupidity brought on by incurable obsession. I stare down, at the end of the hill just hidden by the edge of the night's enveloping darkness, and the forest already swallowed by it. I jump.
I jump, throwing myself into the air, which screams back at me, while I am air borne, flying through the blackness. The only time that I am free. Free from Jinpachi, free from curses, free from the moon, free from a single though except that in these few seconds when I am flying that I hold all the joy in the world knowing that even for the shortest of times I am only one person not jumping at the whims of another. I close my eyes, barely remembering to breathe as I fly away from my reality into that calming void that holds the world, and is still empty. And then I land, hands smacking the ground, before rolling over and over, slower and slower while all of the Earth falls back to me, and stop at the end of the slope in the long, cool grass.
I pick myself up and dust myself off, walking towards home and swallowed by the darkness, smiling slightly and laughing softly. In the end, nothing, nothing at all is really true and will actually save me from my never-ending circle. And out of everything I have ever wanted, the only thing I actually need is to be real.
Happy again
A/N -'clutches head' goodness, I've been listening to way too much Dido and Evanescence. I'm going to go eat lots of sugar and write lots of senseless fluff now...
Review, please...