Title: Interview With A Bucking Horse (a.k.a. Why Dino's Moniker is More Trouble Than It's Worth)

Rating: PG-13

Genre: Crack gen for the main fic, and a crack ?/Dino pairing in the omake.

A/N: Dino is my favorite character and I am upset that he's missing in the current arc. Hence the love (or torture, which is the same thing in fandomspeak really)

Summary: Tsuna asks questions, and Dino gets roasted.

Disclaimer: I own nothing but the story. Characters belong to Amano.

"When you trained under Reborn, were you shot with the dying will bullet too?"

That's one off the list, Dino thought, mentally crossing out Tsuna's question from the list in his head.

It was another training day for Vongola's 10th boss, and Reborn had asked for Dino's assistance. Assistance, in this case, meant truthfully answering Tsuna's questions regarding Dino's personal experiences under Reborn. At first, Dino had been wary of the seemingly simple request, as Reborn's 'requests' had an uncanny record of blowing up to disastrous, albeit well-meaning results. Then again, Reborn's requests were never requests, by virtue of the fact that turning him down was not an option.

Dino smiled modestly at Tsuna. "Yes, of course I have."

Reborn nodded. "It was because of the dying will bullet that Dino acknowledged the benefits of respectable underwear."

That, Dino thought, inwardly wincing at the mildly horrified expression on Tsuna's face, wasn't on the list. A loud laugh from the doorway interrupted whatever defense for his dignity he had in mind.

"Hahahaha, the tenth is a respectable man, for he only wears underwear with maximum coverage!" Gokudera stepped into the room, grinning and settling himself importantly on Tsuna's right. "What were you wearing anyway Cavallone boss? Jock-cuts?"

"Hey, jock cut briefs are respectable!" Yamamoto protested, following Gokudera into the room. He paused to smile briefly at Tsuna and Dino before rounding on Gokudera. "Pick something else. Like, I dunno, a T-back?"

"Or a thong-tho-thong-thong-thong!" Lambo jumped into the room from the window, followed shortly by I-pin.

"I-pin don't know what T-back is," she said, looking inappropriately curious. "Or thothothothothong."

Dino forced himself not to be overwhelmed by the influx of Vongolas in what he originally assumed to be a harmless one-on-one interview (Reborn didn't count). He briefly debated on how he should react: outright lie; lie a white lie; stay quiet; play along; distract the Vongola family with a well-watered Enzio and quietly sneak out the window; or tell the whole truth. After a few moments of conspicuous silence, he finally settled on playing along, as a sign of good humor. "Actually," he said lightly, smiling widely for effect, "it was a leather jockstrap."

The stunned silence that greeted him told him that playing along was a terrible idea. Apparently, his Italian brand of good humor on indelicate subjects didn't get picked up well by his Japanese friends.

Tsuna opened and closed his mouth a few times before settling on "…Are you serious?"

Dino sighed. "No." God. "Listen, it was nothing okay?" he said, in a tone he prayed was adequately convincing. "Can we move on to the next question?" He was relieved to see Tsuna getting ready to do just that when-

"Oh come on, Dino-san," Yamamoto teased. "You're not getting away that easily."

Note to self, Dino thought, Yamamoto's coolness factor just dropped several levels.

"A scandal by a mafia boss is never nothing," Gokudera said, agreeing with Yamamoto for once. It was quite difficult to imagine the rivalry between the two, with the way they both propped their chins on their hands and leered at Dino like twin alligators focused on one particularly juicy water fowl.

Dino shook his head. "There is no benefit to be gained from it anyway, so let's just move on to the next question."

"But you haven't answered the question yet!"

Reborn cleared his throat. "Actually he did."

"What?" Everyone turned to Reborn, except for Dino, who merely looked helplessly out the window, badly wishing for the sound of his alarm clock.

"So what is it?" Gokudera demanded crossly.

"Nothing."

"ARE YOU MOCKING ME?"

"Dino, tell them it was nothing."

"No."

"Gokudera," Yamamoto said, looking thoughtful. "I think Reborn really meant nothing."

"OH FOR FUCK'S SAKE, YOU'RE GOING TO BELIEVE ANYTHING, ARE YOU, YOU DUMB JOCK—" Gokudera stopped, thinking for a while. Then, "Oh, wait I get it." A bout of snickering ensued after this realization, and Dino knew for sure, that his facial blood vessels were conspiring against him in a way that shouldn't be biologically possible. "Never knew you were the type to go commando, Cavallone boss."

"Did I just hear the word commando?"

Gokudera immediately stiffened, and Dino resisted the urge to slam his head into his open palm. Gokudera hurriedly grabbed a face towel from Tsuna's bed and tossed it over his eyes.

"Oh, what's this?" Bianchi went inside the room, standing right behind her brother. "Why did no one tell me the family's all here?"

"Hello, Poison Scorpion," Dino greeted hollowly, feeling that Bianchi's presence could only make things go downhill from here.

"Hello, Cavallone Tenth. Hayato, remove that ridiculous rag off your head now."

Yamamoto waved. "Dino-san was just telling us about how he was wearing nothing when he got influenced by the dying will bullet, Bianchi-san," he explained in a perfectly conversational tone, as if he was talking about the latest baseball stats.

Dino released a long-suffering sigh. "This isn't the place to discuss this."

"You were wearing nothing?" Bianchi raised an eyebrow. "My my, Cavallone tenth, how daring of you."

Dino turned to Reborn, fixing him an accusing stare. "I thought it was just Tsuna and me participating!"

"Tsuna's family may benefit from this training," Reborn replied matter-of-factly, clearly unmoved by Dino's increasing resentment.

"HAHAHA! Lambo-san has nice underwear. It is made of cotton cow prints and Velcro and lollipops! Would you like to see?"

The revolted looks around the room did nothing to sway Lambo from zipping down his cowsuit, and—

"Wow. That was a very accurate pitch, Gokudera..." Yamamoto remarked, as he watched Lambo hurtling out the open window from across the room. "You're throwing form's quite good, want to join the baseball team?

"Are you shitting me?" Gokudera looked as if he had never been so insulted in his whole life. "I have better things to do than become another baseball idiot. Like doing my duty to protect the tenth."

"Hey, I can still protect Tsuna even with baseball."

"But I am MORE dedicated, seeing as there are no stupid balls and stupid bats distracting me."

"My baseball skills actually help protect Tsuna."

"Excuses. What's so great about hitting a ball around, when you can blow-"

Reborn cleared his throat, interrupting Gokudera. "So, shall we continue the discussion?"

Tsuna at least shared Dino's sentiments judging from how he looked around the room as if everyone had gone collectively insane.

Dino gave Tsuna a weak smile. "Reborn, we just spent the few minutes speculating about my underwear." He paused. "Or lack thereof. And you answered the question for me. Can we move on now?"

Reborn shrugged. "Alright, change of topic. Tsuna?"

Tsuna looked as if he was startled to be asked to speak again. No wonder, he probably didn't expect training to include the topic of Dino's exhibitionist tendencies. "Er—what happened during your first time?"

More snickers.

"First time with the dying will bullet, you guys," Tsuna corrected, blushing slightly. "What did you regret doing, Dino-san?"

Dino thought about his answer very carefully. He had the distinct feeling that whatever he said will likely be more cannon fodder for his untimely humbling at the hands of the Vongolas, but not saying anything will probably result to Reborn answering for him, and he was determined to avoid that as much as possible. "Well, there was this opera singer-"

"Ah, young love," Bianchi cut in dreamily. "You regretted not professing your undying devotion to her?"

Dino blinked. "Uh, actually, I just wanted an autog-"

"DINO REGRETTED NOT DOING MISS OPRAH SINGER!" Lambo cried out triumphantly, jumping through the window again, his hair sporting a variety of twigs and leaves and a pair of Digimon-patterned boxers, and for all of Dino's patience and virtue, he had a violent desire to pull a Gokudera and drag Lambo backwards through a keyhole.

"Dino was just like Tsuna," Reborn mused. "I remember, her name was Maria and that she almost lost her voice screaming and telling Dino to go cavort with the castrati instead."

A roar of laughter immediately overtook the room. Even Tsuna was laughing, although he was making an effort to hide it. Dino was in hell, he was sure of it, and Reborn was his own personal Satan. This was worse than the time his family found out that it was his fault that a section of the Cavallone manor blew up, because he thought that inflammable was the opposite of flammable, and that no amount of blaming the English for inventing a dumb language was going to justify it. He glared at Reborn. "I thought I was the one answering questions!"

"And I'm the tutor, which means I can participate in this interview as well. Go on Tsuna, ask another question."

Tsuna remained silent for a few moments, no doubt thinking of a question that wouldn't incriminate Dino further. After a while, he decided on: "Why is the whip your choice of weapon?"

Dino sighed in relief. Finally, a question that did not involve his skivvies. "Oh, I didn't choose that. Leon gave it to me along with Enzio."

"The weapon Leon provides is supposed to be the most compatible with my student's abilities, among other criteria," Reborn supplied.

Yamamoto raised an eyebrow. "What other criteria?"

"Like the different regrets my students have when hit by the dying will bullet."

"So Dino-san got a whip because he professed his love to an opera singer in his birthday suit?" The odd string of words sounded funny to Yamamoto's ears, even as he said them. Oh well, it was just a game anyway, and no one said it had to make sense.

Dino knew it was useless to correct anything at this point. "Guys, I was fourteen, and... was unfortunate enough to go commando the day I met Reborn…"

Bianchi looked up thoughtfully. "Hmmm… I wonder if it's true…"

"What is true?" Dino asked tiredly. Whatever it is, it couldn't be possibly make his situation worse.

Bianchi smiled knowingly. "They say you have a huge you-know-what."

"Huge what?" Tsuna asked.

"Huge turtle?" Yamamoto suggested.

"Huge head?" Lambo added.

"No." She looked meaningfully at Dino and Tsuna. "You boys know what I mean."

Oh- Oh no. Dino quelled the urge to groan out loud. This better not be a revival of the ridiculous rumor Romario spread about the size of his man-bits.

"Oh… Oh."

It was. He was going to kill Romario.

"So you're well hung?" There was a gleam in Yamamoto's eyes that disturbed Dino, and it didn't help matters when everyone (except Lambo and I-pin) inadvertently glanced down at his crotch. He now regretted sitting on the floor, as it didn't provide him an opportunity to cross his legs without being too obvious about it.

Bianchi folded her arms, satisfied. "I knew there was more to "Bucking Horse Cavallone" than being good with a whip."

"It must be a Mafia Boss thing," Gokudera asserted, sounding glad to have an excuse to not look at his sister, though Dino thought that his crotch was an inappropriate substitute. "The Tenth is big too."

"GUYS WHAT ABOUT THE CHILDREN?" Tsuna said loudly. Dino also noticed that Tsuna was covering a puzzled I-pin's ears, and looking understandably horrified at Gokudera's glowing endorsement.

No one seemed to have heard Tsuna though. "How do you know, Gokudera?" Yamamoto asked curiously.

"I saved him from an exploding toilet," Gokudera proclaimed proudly, as if it was the most heroic accomplishment of his life. "And ha! You weren't there! One up on you, baseball jock." [1]

"HAHAHAHA, DINO IS A WELL-HUNG HORSE WHO LIKES TO BUCK!" Lambo shouted gleefully, prancing around and doing some disturbing hip-thrusting maneuvers that Dino was sure would shatter his vision of childhood innocence for the rest of his life.

Everyone was shouting or arguing with someone or another but Dino wasn't listening to anything anymore. "Maybe this is karmic justice for something I did in my past life," he mumbled in his hands, ignoring the arguments going on around him. "Maybe I kicked lost puppies or something. Sick, lost puppies. Kicked sick lost puppies with a combat boot."

The sound of a fired gun made everyone stop talking. "That's enough for one day," Reborn announced, hopping down from his perch on Tsuna's desk.

"What? The tenth didn't even learn anything useful!" Gokudera protested.

"No, but it's time."

"Time for what?"

"Kids!" Nana called from downstairs. "Dinner!"

Nana cooked some delicious Italian food for Dino, and while Dino appreciated the effort, he wished that Nana didn't choose something as conspicuous as Italian sausages. Everyone looked at him funny, every time he took a bite from one, making him knock over his water several times. Suffice it to say, dinner had been a splendidly embarrassing affair.

After dinner, Reborn walked up to a thoroughly dejected Dino, as he walked up the stairs. "A Mafia boss does not sulk."

A Mafia Hitman does not set up Mafia bosses for humiliation, Dino was about to say, only he remembered that this was Reborn, and humiliation was more of the rule, rather than the exception. Instead, he folded his arms and scowled. "I have every right to sulk. You made me come all the way here from Italy just to put me on the hot seat of Vongola curiosity. Come to think of it, I don't think I even finished a whole sentence during that whole interview, yet by tomorrow everyone will be spreading rumors of my allegedly horse-like manhood."

As usual, Reborn did not seem to care. "Well, you can't deny that it will have a positive bearing on the Vongola tenth."

Dino stopped and stared at Reborn, before he took a deep breath to clear his mind and prevent debilitating psychological damage. "How exactly will speculations about the size of my penis have a positive bearing on Tsuna?"

"I was talking about the whole interview, stupid," Reborn retorted, managing to look completely condescending despite being pint-sized. "And it will help because Tsuna learned that pathetic people like him could still become an accomplished Mafia boss."

"So, basically, you're saying I boosted Tsuna's ego, at the expense of mine."

Reborn frowned, and looked up, appearing to think Dino's words over. "You know, you're right," he consented after a while, to Dino's utmost surprise. "I interrupted the performance of your responsibilities in Italy, and for what?"

Dino stared at Reborn, jaw dropped. "Are you—are you actually saying sorry for what you did?"

"Yes." Reborn nodded solemnly. "Well, I don't want your effort and time to be wasted like this."

Dino was flabbergasted. Reborn apologized to me, he thought. I should have recorded that. That has to be my greatest accomplishment as a Mafia boss, ever. This might even be worth getting roasted by the Vongolas. This-

"So can I invite you for another group interview tomorrow?"

The sound of Dino falling down the stairs was all the reply Reborn needed.

~ fin

[1] Reference to kasugai_gummie 's GokuTsuna fic, which is too awesome not to mention. Read it here: http(colon)(doubleslash) kasugai(underscore)gummie (dot) livejournal (dot) com

I was supposed to leave the fic as it is, but this idea just won't leave me alone, and thus got channeled into a 20-minute load of crack.

EXTRA:

Scene: Tsuna's bathroom

oo00 ACTION! 00oo

"Hey, Gokudera was right- it IS a mafia boss thing! :: double take :: And whoa, you also shave!"

"... I don't want to ask, but what the heck are you doing here?"

"I need to pee. And you didn't lock the door."

"Yes, but see, there's still the fact that I just stepped out of the shower."

"Why are you showering anyway?"

"After today's interview I felt strangely violated and felt the urgent need to cleanse myself. Actually, I feel violated now."

"Chill, it's not like I caught you taking a dump."

"Yes but you caught me wiping water off my a- never mind. Can I finish drying myself and changing first?"

"I really need to pee. Please? You can change in the shower."

"The shower door is transparent."

"I don't mind."

"I do."

"Well, you can run to Tsuna's room, it's just across the hall. Please, I can't hold it any longer." ::unzips and turns to toilet bowl:

::Dino releases a resigned sigh, then sprints to Tsuna's room::

10 seconds later...

::bursts in:: "HARU AND KYOKO WERE IN TSUNA'S ROOM."

"So?"

"SO? In case you haven't noticed, I'm wet and half-naked."

"Again, so? Haru and Kyoko are used to half-naked men, with Tsuna stripping to his boxers every time he goes to that Super Saiyan mode thingy."

"Oh that's not a big deal for you? How about this, Lambo was also there and he humped my leg."

"Oh, he does that all the time."

"IN FRONT OF THE GIRLS."

"They're used to it."

"He HUMPED my UPPER leg."

"Wow, good job Lambo, his jump's higher now."

"He humped my upper leg from THE FRONT."

"Oh. Uh... Wow, I'm so sorry for you..."

"Ugh. You know what, fuck this. Are you done? Can I put on some clothes now? And….wait, why are your pants dropped down to your knees?"

"They fell... down?"

"..."

"What? I dropped them accidentally when you suddenly came back."

"... Did you expose your backside on purpose or is that just your terribly inconvenient method of relieving yourself?"

"I told you, I accidentally dropped them. Does it bother you that much?"

"... No." Shit. "I mean YES. Yes because you shouldn't do that— I mean, weren't you ever potty-trained by your mother?"

"I had no idea the sight of my naked ass is so offensive to you."

"… I do NOT find it offensive at all. It's just, uh. Yours. "

::strange smile:: "Hey... Do you know why I like playing baseball?"

::wtf-expression:: "No. Please don't tell me it's actually relevant to the reason why your ass is still exposed."

"I like the feel of a hard bat grasped in my hands."

"I'm sure you do, and I'm sure you mean that in the most wholesome way possible. Pants up. Now."

"And there's so much satisfaction in hitting balls."

"That's fascinating. So about those pants-"

"-You know, the feeling of shafting this blur of white shooting toward you."

"Okay, anything that has no sexual innuendo? Anything? Please? "

"But I was REALLY talking about baseball." ::pause:: "Really."

"Sure, and Dr. Shamal is a tranny who secretly does goats."

"... Wow, that image is a total mindfuck."

"Fucking hell, do you want me to pull your pants up for you?"

"Oh… Oh. Okay." ::waits expectantly::

::stare:: "I was joking."

"I wasn't."

"..."

:D :D :D

O.O

::jumps::

"ACK. OH HELL, NO."

::strips towel off::

"For god's sake, you're fourteen! FOURTEEN!"

::molests::

"You crazy Japanese!"

:: stumbles into shower::

"What will Tsuna say?"

:: slams into shower wall ::

"... I am going to hell for this." ::reciprocates::

::bucking and baseball bat grabbing and more immoral hijinks ensue until-::

::door opens::

Dino: ! ….. ::small voice:: If it's the Vendicare out there, I'm gonna jump into a lake with Enzio.

Tsuna: ... :: TRAUMA! ::

Yamamoto: Dino-san and I are practicing sumo wrestling in different settings.

Tsuna: ... Someone please stop the world, I want to get off.

oo00 CUT! 00oo

A/N: YES I SUPPORT 80D (haha, wow that looks like a bra size). I remember the snowball fight episode where Yamamoto chased Dino up the stairs, and then ended up getting rolled together in a giant snowball. It was one of my more kokoro dokidoki Reborn moments.