Tears streamed down my face as I bolted up the stairs. Level 8, level 9, level 10.. The numbers flashed past me as I quickened my pace and sprinted up the last flight of stairs. Suddenly my foot slipped under me and I half tumbled, half rolled down, my arms brought up to my face to protect myself.
I shook my head. No. There was nothing else to protect, not the disease-ridden body, anyway. My heart pounded fast, aching from the long dash. My body convulsed, and I can feel my lungs start to tighten.
No.
A series of coughs and hacks racked my entire body. It was like going through hell. My rib cage rattled, my chest heaved, longing for air, and pain clawed through me, threatening to slash me to pieces. I laughed, but it sounded more like a cough, dusty and dry in my throat. How can I be slashed to pieces if I was already broken?
"Riley!"
I froze. Someone was calling my name. Mother's voice was not far away, approximately three levels below me. I tried to control my ragged breathing, fearing that it would be heard in this silent hallway. I held my breath, but was interrupted by another coughing fit. It only lasted for about thirty seconds, but what I felt was way longer than that. The pain in my chest was worse than anything I'd known, almost overpowering my muddled thoughts. By the time it ceased, a few drops of scarlet was displayed before me.
I stared at it, fascinated.
My mother had gone hushed now. Eerie silence stretched on, broken occasionally by my raspy breath. The silence was intolerable, almost suffocating. I needed to know if she was still there. I made no effort to move or rise up. I just stayed where I was, sprawled across the stairway, the hard concrete jabbing into my sides.
That was when I heard her voice, hesitant at first, but then ringing out clearly, "Riley? Riley, are you there?" Her voice reached my ears, smooth and comforting as honey, and somewhere inside, I snapped. My grip tightened on the cold floor as feelings overwhelmed me, turning my knuckled white. A sob overtook my body. I wanted to confess to her, to spill out my feelings. I wanted to tell her how hard it was, how painful it was to have to endure this god-awful illness. I felt like my soul was being extracted and tortured and fed to the devil in the depths of hell. I wanted to tell her that I so wanted to give up. I wanted to run away. I wanted to flee and escape this body altogether.
The sound of footsteps, anxious and urgent, jolted me from my dark train of thoughts. The sound of her heels bounced off the walls, echoing across the halls.
Click.
I could feel her embrace- warm, reassuring, and comforting. The kind of hug that every kid longs for once in a while from their mothers.
Clack.
I could taste her tears- salty, silent and yet filled with unspoken emotional words.
Click.
I could see her eyes- once a cheery, hazel colour, now ceased to a dull brown, filled with sorrow, distress and anguish.
Clack.
I could smell her lotion, the one that she always had on- lavender, with a slight touch of vanilla, reminding me of happier times, when life was not all just about torment, misery and heartache.
The steady tap of her shoes calmed me, making my muscles relax. Let her come.
No.
I tensed.
No.
I scrambled up.
No.
I ran.
I ran, and ran, and ran, until my legs were sore and my eyes stung from tears and my lungs hurt, until I could run no more, and I found myself on the rooftop of the building, overlooking the wondrous city of Seattle. I locked the door and made my way to the edge, gazing out at the city filled with overteeming life, bust traffic, and colourful blinking lights.
I lifted my gaze toward the dark night sky, my vision clouded by tears. What a spectacular sight. The stars twinkled and shone, showering me with brilliant, dazzling light. It was so beautiful.
Come, come, Riley, they said, gesturing to me. Come be with us! Come travel with us!
"Travel with you?" I breathed, awestruck.
Yes! We well travel together across the world, and oh, the places we'll go! The fun we'll have! We'll be together forever!
"Forever?" I repeated.
Yes! No more illness, no more pain. Just us stars, accompanying you forever. We will provide light for you, miss, so there will be no more darkness! You won't have to suffer anymore!
"No more pain? No more darkness?" I smiled at the thought.
Of course! That is your wish, isn't it?
"Yes," I murmured, grinning. "Yes, it is."
"Riley!" A pounding came at the door, and instantly light from the stars were snuffed out.
"Riley! Answer me!" Her voice was panicked, and yet I, for some reason, felt a strange calming sensation wash over me. I didn't answer immediately. Instead, I reflected on what the stars had told me. Will there really be no more pain in the sky above? No more suffering? No more tears?
"Riley, please! Open the door!" She begged. More pounding. Desperate, distressed crying. I frowned. It was so noisy. "Please, Riley! I know this is hard for you, especially when you're so young, and we'll talk about it when we get back, so please, open the door!"
When we get back.
I stiffened. Memories flashed inside my head, memories I'd rather not remember. Terror cascaded over me like a muddy wave.
No.
I don't want to be beside those beeping machines. I don't want to smell the strong scent of antibiotics. I don't want to see the sharp knives and scissors. I don't want to wake up to a 'today will be a better day' poster above my head. I don't want to hear the ladies in blue delivering bad news. I don't want to sleep beside a bucket of my own blood. I don't want to hear mommy cry. I don't want to be surrounded by white, feeling trapped and vulnerable like an animal. I don't want to be reminded of the pain, the agony. I don't want to be shrouded in darkness everyday.
I don't want to be here.
My hand, which was resting hesitatingly on the doorknob, fell to my side.
I want to be with the stars.
I blocked out the horrible screaming and pleading from my mother, turned away and strided back to the ledge. I gazed out, wind whipping my thinning hair, the stars reflected in my clear eyes. I tilted forward, and before I could stop myself, I tilted down, down, down.
Emotions crashed into me all at once. Fascination, free, alarm, uncertainty and most of all, regret.
No! No! I shrieked at myself. You musn't give up now! There is still hope! You shouldn't give up.
Hope for what? Tears formed in my eyes, instantly carried away by the howling wind.
There was no hope in my life. Only pain, chasing me down and waiting for me at every corner. I didn't always know when it was coming, whether it was still hiding or preparing to strike, but when it came, it always captured hope and took it along once it had gone. It always left me crumbled and disheveled and feeling defeated, which is no way a human should be.
But hope had not abandoned me. It was now waiting, high up in the sky among the stars, waiting for me to retrieve it.
Hope was waiting. The stars were waiting. God was waiting.
And so was everyone else.
The uncertainty I had felt before had faded, only to be replaced by anticipation.
I breathed a sigh of relief.
Finally.
Peace