The One That Got Away

Jack doesn't like it when things run off from him 'unfixed' funny fic

It starts out sort of like normal funny but eventually gets into the ridiculous funny. Kinda random but whatever. Not as random as Locke's rant about the island and the hatch. Boone was like 'you can't open it' and Locke screamed DON'T TELL ME WHAT I CAN'T DO and he ran and started strangling Boone and they fell through the hatch. 'FARGNA?' a voice boomed through the darkness and then Desmond jumped out and stared Locke up and down with disgust. Locke was like 'you should get into the light' and Desmond shouted I'M SENSITIVE TO THE LIGHT and then Jack popped up and started sobbing that Sawyer was sensitive to him and he was really hurt by the comment. So Locke did a hippy dance and proposed a supportive group hug where he took the chance to grope everyone. Suddenly they were locked inside the hatch and they started screaming. They looked up into the glass window and were disgusted to find WD standing directly over them. 'OI LET US OUT' Jack ordered. 'NO RELEASE KIT-TAY NO RELEASE' WD told him and started erotically tribal dancing with Libby and Eko. Jack was so upset that he started crying again and Locke had to comfort him. Desmond stared at them both in confusion and Boone had to explain they were always like this. Then Desmond pondered if there was a strong, stunning, preferably dark-skinned man with a sexy accent for him back at the camp. Boone winked at him and moved closer but Desmond turned him down. 'We're too cool to be gay' he told him and they exchanged a high five.

Meanwhile jack and Locke were furiously making out and Desmond and Boone started begging and screaming to be let out of the hatch. Kate appeared in the window and she started laughing at their misfortune. 'YOU TWO DON'T FIND ME ATTRACTIVE SO YOU'RE NOT NEEDED HERE ANYMORE' and she ran off to make out with Mikhail. 'YOU ANNOYING BITCH' they cried at her but she just yelled HEY and everyone was silenced on the island (it's funny how she does that) Then Desmond found something curious on the floor. 'what's that?' he asked and picked it up. His face was filled with horror as it was an unopened peanut butter jar. Suddenly Hurley roared and crashed through the hatch and squashed Locke and Jack. He got to his feet and his face was angry with hunger FOOOOOOD he boomed and snatched the peanut butter jar and ate it whole. STILL HUNGRY he complained and started licking his lips at Boone and Desmond. AHHHHHH they screamed and scrambled back out of the hatch and ran far far away from The Hurley.

Okay dude I better stop, that was a very long prologue…

"I never got a chance," he cried through his hysteria. "If I just could've asked him to wait, I could've- I could've…!" Jack threw his head back and downed the last of his mini bottle of vodka. Of course, the spirits were kept safely hidden with the medical supplies but Jack decided tonight that he needed them more than any infected gash did. He had wounds of his own to heal.

"You could've what, Jack?" Locke's soothing voice asked. He sat across from Jack, beside a large crackling fire they'd started away from the camp site. Jack shook his head and continued to cry as he tried to find his voice to answer.

"I could've saved him!" he yelled and tossed the bottle into the fire which spat and hissed at the touch of the remaining fuel. Jack turned and rummaged through all the medical supplies before screwing his face up into ugly wretchedness. "We're out of alcohol!"

"Yes, Jack. You just finished off the last bottle." It was amazing how Locke could remain so calm. His eyes were alert yet kind, his posture relaxed and his hands pressed the sides of his mug.

"What happened to the rest of them? There was at least 15 or 20 or so here just a minute ago," his broken, drunk tone slurred.

"You drank them all," he told him in an almost pleasant tone. Jack roughly gazed in Locke's direction and shook his head slowly. He gave him a look that clearly thought he was having him on.

"Why didn't you stop me, old man?" he erupted into a giggling fit and leaned so far back in his seat that he toppled over himself. Locke sighed and looked a little hurt; he had to remind himself that Jack was just heavily drunk. After his laughing has partially subsided, Locke decided to help poor Jack back up on his seat, letting his hand on his back slide down a little lower. Jack sat down and gave Locke a vacant stare, still swaying around from the drunken stupor.

Locke blushed and took his hands off Jack. "Sorry. My hand slipped." Jack grinned.

"That's okay… I use that same excuse with Kate all.. the.. time," he chuckled and Locke's eye twitched as he smiled coldly. (y'know like the twitcher/winker guy LOL)"I think I know why she buys it so well now," he burst into laughter and Locke tried to hide how insanely jealous he was.

"Is that so," he said, prissy. "Kate is an annoying whore, Jack. She only keeps you around for her ego; you know that, don't you?"

"BUT I LOVE HER!" Jack cried loudly. Locke let a sharp gasp escape his throat and he slapped a hand across Jack's face with an intense stare. Locke regretted hurting Jack but he had to shake some sense into him.

"No you don't, Jack. Snap out of it," he told him sternly. Jack rubbed his aching cheek and started to cry harder. Locke smiled and put an arm around him for comfort. "In your time of need, I'm always here for you. But where is she? That bitch is off flirting with every other man on the island. You deserve so much better, Jack…" Locke looked up to the stars and held Jack close. A little plane flew past but he was too caught in a dreamy trance to notice. "Someone who can care for you… someone who would drop everything and put their life on hold just to see if you're okay… someone who can love you slowly and passionately-" Jack suddenly cut his lovey-dovey speech off.

"I like fixing things," he said, blatant while looking at Locke. He raised an eyebrow and sighed irritably, facing away from Jack.

"Indeed," he muttered.

"No, I do," he pressed, "I like to fix things, y'know? It's like… my thing. It's what I do. I don't know why everyone mocks my ability and efforts to fix things. They should be so grateful, dammit!"

"Is that what you really believe?" Locke asked, getting very mystic again. "I believe in a lot of things," he said wisely, looking out into the distance with a small smile.

"I believe in a lot of things," he repeated, "… including what either one of us just said. Whatever it was… or something." He was a very confused man. "I also believe anyone can look good when you're this drunk. Even an ugly old man such as yourself… you," he was hysterical yet again with humour.

Locke sobbed and looked extremely hurt at that statement. "I don't think that's a very nice thing for you to say to me, Jack. I thought what we had was special…"

"I'm pretty special. I believe that. Everyone's just jealous of me."

"No, I'm special, Jack. My mummy told me I'm special no matter what the other kids say," he told Jack matter-of-factly. "I'm cool, you see, I was immaculately conceived."

"Eww. Probably from Ethan and Danielle, you were their mutant child hahahah," Jack answered. His brain had failed to make a decent comeback yet again but for now, it would do.

Locke sighed sadly and stood up, alerting Jack. "If you're going to be mean then I probably should leave. You're not yourself when you're drunk. I don't like it," he complained miserably.

"You wanna leave?" Jack cried through tears of anger. "Go ahead! I don't need you, baldly," he suddenly laughed again, thinking he was so funny. Locke gasped and his bottom lip trembled.

"Words hurt, Jack." His voice was wavering yet still so composed. "You think they're funny now but next morning when I won't be talking to you, it'll burn. You'll see." He suddenly left a little hesitantly. Jack was stunned as he watched him depart and Locke couldn't help but glance over his shoulder back at Jack desperately every few seconds. He didn't want to leave but he knew he had to in order to make a statement. Jack sobbed and turned away.

"I need another drink," he said. He sung his favourite song 'Fix You' by Coldplay while he was searching through the bags again. Poor Jack already forgot that he'd drank them all. Just as he gathered all his strength to express his extreme disappointment, he passed out and collapsed face first into the sand.

He awoke the next morning to the scuttling of feet from afar. He tried to block out the noise but the steps eventually got closer and closer until they were like low-magnitude earthquakes. When they stopped, Jack felt suddenly freezing cold as he was cast into shadow… and then a voice spoke.

"Dude, are you okay?" Hurley asked.

"I'm… peachy. Why do you ask?" Jack said very slowly and tried to work out where he was. He slowly drew out of his heavy slumber with a large amount of effort.

"I don't know, dude. You just looked a little shipwrecked to me. What with lying unconscious in the sand and all."

"Oh…" he couldn't comprehend what Hurley had just said but nodded all the same as he sat himself up.

"So… yeah," he said awkwardly. "I just came over to check you were okay." Jack nodded and rubbed his throbbing head.

"Well thank you for your concern but I'm fine, Hurley." It was Hurley's turn to nod and he changed the subject.

"So do you-" …Or at least tried to.

"Really, Hurley, I'm fine. Please don't worry about me," Jack smiled. Hurley glared at Jack in confusion for a long time.

"Okay… That's cool," he replied, bewildered. "So-"

"Seriously, why are you so worried about me?" Jack asked, shaking his slurring head. "I told you before, I'm fine."

"Dude, look, I don't really care that much about you," Hurley admitted. "You're kind of annoying. You have like double the amount of flashbacks of everyone here combined and you're background story isn't even as interesting as ours is anyway." Jack tried to be brave and hide how hurt he was. "Sorry, dude. You needed to be told. It's best you hear it from me. 'Cos I make people laugh, I'm comic relief, you see."

"Does it look like I'm laughing, Hurley?" Jack gasped before looking away and wiping his tears. "But my father's awesome, that's got to count for something…" he mumbled to himself. While they sat in an awkward silence, Hurley waited for Jack to compose himself like he always does.

Hurley anxiously peered over at Jack for a long silent minute. "…Got any food?"

"…What?" Jack asked, surprised.

"Food?" Hurley repeated eagerly.

Jack moaned, "Hurley, you just ate-"

"But I'm still hungry," Hurley complained back, a pout forming on his fat face as he folded his arms angrily.

Jack sighed, "Hurley, c'mon, give us break, I mean we have to hunt for our food now, it doesn't just get handed to us on a plate-"

"'NUFF TALK! ME WANT FOOD!" he screamed and burst into tears when Jack refused to serve him. Tears rolled down Hurley's podgy red cheeks as he rolled back and forth along the sand, whacking his hands against the ground. Jack grimaced as Hurley cried like a stubborn little child, his tantrum almost deafening. Various Losties walked past and couldn't help but stare. They all shook their heads disapprovingly at Jack's bad parenting skills and started whispering through the winds. He was very embarrassed. He was considering smacking Hurley for his bad behaviour but not in public because it would look bad. Not to mention that it was illegal.

"I know why you eat so much, Hurley," Jack said and placed a comforting hand on Hurley's blubbery shoulder. Hurley's curls clung to his face as he peered over at Jack, carefully listening. "You eat because… you're never satisfied. You never will be," Hurley started crying again but Jack soothed him and rubbed his back. "You feel hollow inside, like a part of you is missing. You become desperate to fill up that hole with anything that you can find. You'll eat anything from karate blue belts to massive amounts of cereal to music theory books. Until you can replace the emptiness inside yourself… you will forever be hungry." Jack finished his heroic words-of-wisdom speech and the small crowd that had gathered around started clapping. The applause got louder and Jack stood to take a bow and pulled Hurley back up on his little fat feet.

"Dude, that's what I've been trying to tell you all along, I'm hungry," Hurley said in irritation. Jack laughed with the rest of the crowd and ruffled Hurley's curls but Hurley shook him off with a look of stubborn contempt.

"Isn't he adorable-AHH!" Jack screamed as something sharp cut deep into the arm he was waving to the crowd with. He looked up and screamed in terror to see Hurley eating away at his arm. Jack ran around the whole island, trying to shake Hurley off but he was so fat, Jack barely got 1 metre dragging Hurley through the sand before Jack collapsed with exhaustion. "HELP MEEEEEEE!" Jack cried.

"DON'T WORRY, I'LL SAVE YOU!" a voice replied. Jack looked up in amazement and saw Juliet running slowly along the beach toward the chaotic scene. This was just what she had been waiting for. She ripped off her shirt in slow-motion and to everyone's dismay, she wasn't wearing a bra. Everyone was blinded forever.

"That's wasn't a very bra idea," Sawyer mumbled to himself, as he was too cool to be a part of the crowd or to witness Juliet's hideousness.

"GET THE SHIRT! GET THE SHIRT!" she told Hurley eagerly as she waved her ripped shirt around his head like he was bull. Hurley stopped eating poor Jack's arm and was immediately entranced by the shirt. She threw it afar and Hurley scrambled to get it back before roasting it over a campfire and gobbling it up. Jack was eternally grateful as Juliet helped him back up.

"Here, have my shawl," Jack offered his one and only white woollen shawl. Juliet took it with a single nod and wrapped it around her shoulders before she took off into the skies like superman. Jack and all the cool people watched her departure in astonishment as the other blind bunch tripped over each other and stumbled around. "My shawl," he whispered and started sobbing as that was the last time he ever saw it again.

Okay this was really random… I WILL PUT IN APRIL NEXT CHAPTER AND POSSIBLY A NEW CHARACTER… MAY DUN DUN