Once upon a time there was a boy wizard named Ronald who had sparkling blue eyes and flaming red hair. Ever since birth, he had an uncommon love for potatoes. It was lucky that he was a wizard and went to a wizarding school called Hogwarts because there were hundreds of House Elves who magically grew potatoes just for him. Oh, how he loved those potatoes; there were so many uses for them! The magic manure that was used as fertilizer made them taste absolutely scrumptious! Every morning at Hogwarts, his plate would be covered in pieces of oily, golden hash brown. The perfect beige color of these delightful morsels made Ronald think of Professor McGonagall's flawless complexion.
Professor McGonagall was Ron's head of house, not to mention the headmistress of the entire school. Ron had developed an uncanny fondness of her when they danced in preparation for the Yule Ball back in Ron's fourth year at Hogwarts. Taken by surprise, he had been called up by the aforementioned professor to dance in front of the whole class. He was embarrassed at first, but when the witch's slender hands touched him he felt butterflies in his stomach and a warm sensation throughout his body. Her hair, twirled into a fine and neat bun, smelled like a sweet blooming flower with.. what? yes!.. a hint of potato. The young boy's heart had raced, just as it did now, three years later, whenever he recalled that moment.
It was already his seventh year at Hogwarts. His last few years had flown past, and he was determined to spend as much time with the beloved professor as he could during his final few months at Hogwarts. Ron always looked forward to walking into Professor McGonagall's welcoming classroom for Transfiguration. On this particular day, he was feeling rather gloomy because he did not have that class and would, therefore, not get to see McGonagall. Ron slouched at the breakfast table playing with his food, not paying attention to Harry's joke about the scuba-diving Blast-Ended Skrewt.
"So then the first one says, 'Hey sugar, what's popping…' Wait, Ron, are you even listening? What's wrong, mate?"
"Uhh...wha...yeah 'Arry?" Ron jerked his gaze from the front table and looked at Harry, his ears slowly turning to a slight pink tint.
The third link in the famous trio intervenes and asks, "Ronald! What ever are you so upset about?"
"Upset? I'm not upset..." Ron mumbled back to Hermione as he played with his food, clattering his fork clumsily on his plate. The two friends looked concerned, but decided the topic would be best left for another time. They ate the rest of their breakfast in silence, interrupted only a few times by Neville confirming whether or not Potions homework was due that day.
The trio lazily stepped into History of Magic as Professor Binns droned on with his monotonous voice. Although both Harry and Hermione immediately took out parchment and quills, Ron decided that today he would not even attempt to focus. The bobbing and scribbling of Hermione's peacock quill reminded Ron of Professor McGonagall's feathered hat, and how it graciously waved when she walked. Ron's voluptuous mind began to think of something else that graciously bobbed when his fair lady walked…
"Ron!" Hermione squealed. "Do you plan on sitting there all day?"
"Yeah mate, c'mon.. Class ended a few minutes ago."
Ron groggily looked around and saw that the rest of the class had dispersed and were all already making their way across the courtyard. Scrambling to his feet, Ron cluttered his parchment and quills together and shoved them into his bag. Suddenly, to the extreme joy of the young redhead, Ron saw his beloved Professor who had so long tormented his mind with thoughts of romance crossing the courtyard ahead of him! His heart fluttered as McGonagall strode with grace across the ground, robes billowing behind her. He studied her beauteous face from afar and ogled her delectable lips. Though slightly cracked and wrinkled, her lips and face made Ron's knees weaken. In fact, before he realized what was happening, his knees completely gave out and caused him to fall into a crumpled pile on the ground. Ron twitched. He realized all too soon that it wasn't a curse that had shocked him- it was love. His eyes drooped as his whole body flowed with warmth, as if he has just eaten a bar of chocolate.
"I love you," he murmured, "Professor.." Ron's mouth opened slightly, oozing out saliva as he dazedly daydreamed of Professor McGonagall's delicious potato aroma.
"What? Ron, did you just say…" Hermione trailed off.
Laughing, Harry pulled Ron up and claimed, "No no, I'm sure he said 'Lavender'... or should I say 'Lav Lav'... just playing, mate... right, Ron?... Ron?.. Ron.. Ron, mate, you're drooling!"
Ron seemed to be in a world of his own; he seemed to be in a trance as he sighed, "Oh, Minerva," and puckered his lips as he fell forward again onto the grass in her direction. After hearing Minerva's name, Hermione frantically looked at Ron, then to the Professor (who was currently running towards the fallen student on the ground), then back to Ron, and with a soft, "Oh!" she tightly clasped her hands to her gaping mouth.
"Ron," Harry started, shaking his head slowly, "what's going on? Hermione, I think there's something wrong with him!" Hermione said nothing - she simply shook her head, with her hands still clamped over her mouth, waving her bushy mane.
"Weasley, are you alright?" McGonagall shrieked as she reached the trio. Ron was in the middle of whispering "Oh, Minnie, Minnie..." when he suddenly started at the Professor's voice and hastily stood up, brushing the dirt off his robes and wiping his elbow across his mouth. Harry looked back and forth between the two with a look of utmost horror upon his face.
"Are you alright, Weasley?" McGonagall asked quietly, lightly placing her hands on Ron's sagging shoulders. Ronald's face flushed to the deepest shade of fuchsia Harry and Hermione both had ever seen. He looked down awkwardly and mumbled "Quite, yes, Professor...I'm fine..."
"You look absolutely
flustered." she said in a soft voice. "Are you sure
that there is nothing you would like to tell me?" At those words,
Harry saw that McGonnagal was also turning to a slight shade of rose;
she was also looking very intently at Ron, as if expecting something
... Harry swore he could see her pursed lips almost crack a smile.
Ron muttered something incoherently; McGonagall looked kindly upon
him and told him to go to her office at 8 o'clock that evening and
refused to explain herself and before long she had made it back
across the courtyard. Hermione and Harry stared at each other, nobody
daring to start a conversation with the maroon-eared Ron. Several
awkward moments later, Ron mumbled something about returning to the
castle so that he wouldn't miss Potions. That lunch
period was, Hermione and Harry decided, the opportune time to discuss
the matter. After Ron greedily emptied his plate (which was full of
potatoes, of course), Hermione started to question him."Ron…what
exactly happened today before Potions class?"Ron slowly chewed
his French fry and swallowed before he replied, "I… uhh…well, I
tripped… I fell… in… in…"He faltered. Ron muttered
something; "What is it?" Harry asked fragilely. "I…I…"
Ron flushed again.. "I've never felt this way about anyone
else…" Hermione whispered "Who? … the, the…
Professor?"
Ron sighed "Minerva…what a pretty
name…"
Harry and Hermione exchanged a glance
that confirmed that their horrifying prediction was true. Suddenly,
to the dismay of the trio, Fred and George Weasley slid over on the
bench wearing obvious glees upon their faces.
"Hey
little bro," Fred smirked, "funny thing we heard just now, using
our new Stringless Extendable Ears…" Ron turned a color
darker and deeper than any of the others had though possible. "Aw,
Ronnykinds, got a little heartache? C'mon, spill the beans…" Ron,
unaware of the fact that Fred and George hadn't heard the name of
his secret lover, said threateningly, "Don't you DARE tell
anyone!""Sure we won't…as long as it's not Lav Lav
again…" Greg (lol) sniggered. Hermione glared at them as fiercely
as McGonagall herself could muster."Chill, Hermione, we're
just playing" Fred laughed, and then he turned serious, "but
really now, Ron, who is it?"Harry said firmly "We're
not telling." The trio's stern glares made Fred + George
back off. "But be warned," they said in union "You'll be
watched." "Ooh, I'm so scared," Ron muttered under
his breath as he saw them walk away.
The rest of the day's lessons passed by in an uneasy haze. At dinner time in the Great Hall, Ron barely touched his chicken pot pie.
"Ronald… are you sure you're going to be alright with McGonagall tonight?" "Yeah...I'm sure," he said without looking up. Without another word, Rom marched off to the Common Room to get ready for his big date… er.. appointment with Professor McGonagall. He tiptoed past the curtains with tutu-wearing trolls and thought to himself, I need a place where I can make myself look more... good... Just then, a large door appeared upon the wall. Crisp curves and patterns were etched onto this stone door with superior craftsmanship. It opened to reveal a large room that.. no.. yes! smelt like potatoes. At once, Ron sighed with satisfaction as his nose snorted up the tempting vegetable aroma. He looked around and saw house elves armed with various bottles, mirrors, and an assortment of instruments Ron had never seen before. "Get him!" shrieked a pink-tinted house elf. Before he could say 'quidditch,' he was surrounded by a large group of shouting servants, each attacking their own portion of Ron. These feisty little creatures doused Ron in sprays of oily potato, combing his hair into a suave style. He felt what might have been makeup covering his oily complexion. After a few minutes of scrambling, spraying, and squeaking, the house elves dramatically turned Ron around in his chair so as to see himself in the mirror. The newly-enhanced redhead did a double take; he looked gorgeous… but was that mascara!?! "Just a little, sir...it enhances your eyes" giggled the pink house elf. "Yeah, yeah, alright, I see your point.." he muttered. Ron gazed at his (amazing) reflection in awe; his complexion was just stunning with his bright white teeth sparkling, not to mention the wonderful perfume of potato soup lingering on his body. He stuck out a finger, licked it, and made a sizzling noise as it reached his trouser-clad thigh. "Ouch, babe," Ron chuckled to himself. "Min's sure gonna like this..." "Don't forget to bring this!" squealed another house-elf, handing Ron a small vile labeled "Amortentia.""Thanks," Ron replied, grinning, thinking what Hermione would say about this in spew...but enough of Hermione. With one last flashy grin at his reflection and a round of thanks to the loyal elves before him, he set off to his appointment with his beloved. Humming a tune of, "McGonagall is my Queen," he strolled along the empty corridors while keeping an eye out for Peeves. The eager beaver checked his watch when he arrived at the door to her office.. 7:55. 'Well, best not to keep her waiting,' he thought to himself. He opened the door. Ron uttered a soft gasp as he laid his eyes upon his desired mistress. The professor was sitting upon her desk with an alluring look in her sparkling eyes, her legs crossed, her robes slightly pulled aside to reveal skin up to mid thigh. McGonagall winked, the usually-strict expression she wore replaced by a soft, enthralling one.
"Ronald, sit down," she calmly suggested while pointing to a purple-cushioned throne. He followed her command, stumbling once or twice on the way before sitting in what he hoped to be a sexy position on the chair.
"Pro- professor...oh, what am I saying" Ron stumbled with his words," Minerva.. we can't keep meeting like this!"
She faltered in her unbending stare, but took slow steps towards the boy. "Ron.. you must know that this is not something that Hogwarts teachers and students do often." A foxy smile registered upon her leather face. "But nobody needs to know, do they?"
"Well… the thing is.. Harry and Hermione do.. so.. I mean, if that's alright, we still can, you know…" A sheepish look was upon Ronald's face.
McGonagall's lips tightened a bit, but then she sighed and whispered "But they can be trusted, can they not?" Ron nodded and stood up to face the woman.
"You look stunning tonight."
McGonagall inched closer, her nose nearly touching his, her loose hair tickling his shoulders.
"And you, quite handsome"...as the Professor said this, Ron inched even closer, so close he was able to detect her hair's marvelous scent of Potato Essence. When there lips were about to touch, Ron breathed "naughty professor,", his breath running across her face, sending chills down her spine. The professor closed her eyes as she expected Ron's wet lips to collide with hers, when suddenly..
"Achoo!" and McGonagall's face was splattered with saliva. Slightly disgusted but trying to look sexy, Ron wiped his mouth with as much grave as he could muster. She sighed and breathed, "hat's okay, just try and get the spit in my mouth next time." Ron smirked with embarrassment and slowly leaned in again, and touched the professor's soft and creamy lips with his own. He felt a wave of emotion as though a volcano had erupted in his appendix when the professor removed her lips from his and instead sensually licked his chin. Ronald smiled and ran his fingers through the silky graying hairs of his mischievous professor. They started to come together again when suddenly.. They heard loud knocks banging on the door and Ron swore he could've heard a slight cat's meow… McGonnagal had not had time to remove herself from her pupil's lap before Filch ran in. Wheezing and looking like he hadn't had a shower in days and had just run a marathon, Filch gave a womanly shriek. "You! You… y-you.." he spluttered like a broken hose. McGonnagal immediately stood up and stumbled with her words like she was caught in a devious act (which she was), saying "Mr.. hem, Filch,,, what a surprise!" He bellowed in reply, "I thought what we had was special!!" Ron scrunched his eyebrows in confusion and growing suspicion. Meanwhile, Filch was on a rant about school policies and betrayal, but Ron wasn't listening. His head was numb, and all he could hear was buzzing; I can't believe this.. he thought angrily.. Cheating on me for FILCH?
"Ron," said the gently voice of McGonnagal, "I must ask you to please leave my office now." With a glaring leer at his traitorous beloved, Ron stomped noisily out the door. "Hey little bro," said a sly, familiar voice from the shadows. Ron jumped at the surprise of the voice, and jumped again at the reveal of both of the twins from the darkness. "Had a nice date?" George said with a smirk. "Uh.. well.. what.." Ron muttered; he was suddenly interrupted by a loud yell from Filch inside the door.
Ignoring it, Fred said "Had a nice little time with Lav Lave? Hermione? Padma?"
"How could you do this to me, Minerva?"
"WHAT!!" said George, looking astonished. "Have you been having a three way with Filch and.." He didn't need to finish his sentence. Ron's whole face, not just his ears, turned red. Filch clambered out the open door, shrieking, "And don't you dare cheat on me again with that little brat!" He slammed the door behind him and trotted off, limping, with Mrs. Norris at his scuffed heels, hissing at the three Weasleys before prancing down the corridor. Professor McGonagall slowly opened the door and stepped out, showing the twins the scandalous outfit previously hidden beneath her robes but now completely exposed, before sighing and retreating into her office. Fred and George gaped after her as she shook her hips walking back in the door. Ron looked as if he were ready to die. George whistled a barely audible whisper, and Ron glared at him. "What?" George mouthed maliciously. " know some guys like older chicks, but man, Ron, come on!"
Ron seemed to be extremely interested in his trainers. "You're never gonna let me live this down, will you?"
"Hmm, lemme think.. NAH" laughed Fred. "Just wait till we tell Lav Lav." The twins were cackling and Ron felt near ready to punch them when the professor opened the door with a soft click. "Ronald… I'm so sorry, you've got to understand" she whimpered. "I can't keep up with this.."
"Keep up with what? All of your lovers? How many have you got, thirty?" Ron looked as if he had chugged firewhiskey; his face was angrily blotchy and his ears were most certainly releasing steam. He felt the fury inside him explode, as if he were being ripped limb from limb.. wait.. He WAS being ripped apart, this was a real, muggle-esque explosion!!
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
And kids, this is why you should never drink and drive. You see, there was a muggle-hijacker terrorist who somehow boarded the Hogwarts Express. He was drunk. Unfortunately, he drove off the track into Hogwarts school. The explosives were activated when the train collided with Hogwarts Castle, thus causing a massive freak accident with, regrettably, no survivors. The remaining ashes will thankfully make do as a brilliant fertilizer for the potatoes that will eternally grow as a tribute to the romance that never was.
THE END.