Prompt: Strengthening Solution, Snape/Umbridge/Ron, Lust, Humour/Angst, Remus' birthday
Word Count: 1650
Summary: There was a young wizard named Potter, who thought the Potions Master a rotter. Planned some birthday surprises, to burn his friends' eyeses. Now they're drinking their gin without water.
A/N: This was written for a metamorficchallenge several months ago, so obviously before DH came out. ;)
Disclaimer: No disrespect intended to JKR, etc.
Life's a Game(show)
Peals of feminine laughter rang out from the kitchen of the Burrow. Remus Lupin caught Ron Weasley's eye across the chessboard and gave him a questioning look. Ron answered with knit brows and a shrug.
Harry Potter emerged from the kitchen then, looking quite pleased with himself.
"What's so funny in there?" Ron queried, jerking his head to indicate the still-swinging kitchen door.
"Nothing for you to worry your pretty little head over," Harry said, smirking.
Remus smiled. Harry resembled his father more than ever when he wore that 'up-to-no-good' expression. Harry cut his eyes at him then, and Remus felt as though he'd been swept back to his Hogwarts days; about to be included in a plot for some Sirius pranking.
"Ginny can stop the Cheering Charms, I think," Ron grumped, turning his attention back to the game. "You're entirely too happy. You look like the Kneazle that swallowed… my knight! Argh, Crookshanks!" He leapt up to chase the rapidly retreating feline who had a squawking chess piece clamped in his jaws.
Harry dropped into Ron's chair. "So."
"Hm?" Remus hid a smile behind his hand as he pretended to study the chessboard.
Harry leaned forward and lowered his voice. "Ron's birthday is coming up soon, and we're going to surprise him."
"Surprise the sultan of strategy?"
"After the past couple birthdays he's had, just having one without a near-death experience would be a surprise," Harry said.
Remus nodded "Having the war over is worth a lifetime of birthdays—in more ways than one."
"So we've worked out this plan…."
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Ron certainly had been surprised. He drew his wand so fast it was a blur—until it turned into a rubber haddock. "Bloody hell," he wheezed, clutching his chest. His freckles stood out in his face.
Hermione chuckled and handed him his real wand. "Lucky I had the foresight to swap wands or you'd have hexed all our guests."
"Yeah. Lucky," he echoed, glaring at his grinning twin brothers before flinging the fish at them.
"Happy birthday, mate." Harry clapped him on the shoulder. He handed him a wrapped gift.
Ron tore off the paper to find a miniature Quidditch game, complete with tiny accessories. "Hey thanks!" he enthused. "This is great!"
"I knew you desperately needed a set," Ginny said.
Ron gave her a questioning look.
Ginny snickered. "You know. Balls. Rings. And a good pitch."
Hermione placed a hand lightly on Ron's arm to interrupt the sibling squabble before it started. "Remus and Tonks are ready; time to sit down!"
Throwing a scowl over his shoulder at his sister, who mimed cracking a whip, he followed Hermione to his seat. The other guests filed into rows of chairs set before a makeshift stage.
Tonks stepped out from behind the curtain, an apple stabbed on the end of her wand. She talked into it like a Muggle microphone.
"Welcome, studio audience! Our show this afternoon will feature some special moments in the life of a young man we all know and love." She hastily threw the apple and pulled her spare wand from her thigh holster. She used them to do a drum roll on the corner table that served as a podium. "Ron Weasley, This Is Your Life!"
Ron glanced from Harry to Hermione in bemusement and clapped along with the small crowd.
Behind her, offstage, a voice roared. "CONSTANT VIGILANCE!" The applause quieted at the step-thump, step-thump of the grizzled old Auror pacing behind the curtain. "It's one of the greatest regrets of my life that I didn't get to teach Ron during his fourth year. Well, mostly it's the regret that I got locked up in my own trunk. However, I believe one of the memories he used to conjure a Patronus is this image:" Shuffling step-thumps were accompanied now by a rhythmic thudding as the curtains swung wide to reveal Mad-Eye Moody bouncing a white ferret. "Now the scum that originally provided that image for Ron had studied up on me, no doubt about that, but could he get his ferret to do this?"
Out of nowhere, the Auror conjured a tiny tightrope. Sporting a frilly pink dress and parasol, the ferret teetered across the narrow wire to the tune of "Tiptoe Through the Tulips."
When the laughter and applause died down, Moody and the ferret bowed. "Happy Birthday, Ron," he said, his magical eye swivelling over the audience. "And get that wand out of your pocket!" He scooped up his furry little companion and stomped off behind the curtain.
Hagrid came out next, carrying a writhing bundle wearing a harness that made most people in the audience lean back as far as they could. "This be sumpin Ron an' me worked on. Not e'rbody might know abou' it. Now y'know how the Inferi were a mite problematic durin' the war? Well, our Ron here comes sneakin' inta my hut one night and says, 'Hagrid, if yeh cross Blast-Ended Skrewts with Flesh-Eatin' Slugs, wouldn' tha' be some kind o' interestin' creature tha' woul' take care o' the Inferi for us?' I di'n think it'd hurt to give it a try, and tha's why the Inferi disappeared. Ron ne'er took credit for it, said he din' want to get me in trouble for experimental breedin'. Tha' young man deserves another Order of Merlin. He won' take it, but he deserves it. A' the very least, he deserves a happy birthday. Here y'go," the half giant said, holding out the squirming creature. "I saved one for yeh. Name's Curly. House-trained an' ev'rthin'!"
Ron stepped up to accept the animal, nearly dropping it as he lost his grip on the slimy thing. "Thanks," he said, setting the ugly creature in the grass, holding the leash gingerly. The little bells on the harness tinkled as the thing undulated along behind him. He handed the leash to Harry as soon as he reclaimed his seat, wiping his hands on his robes. "Better than a baby Acromantula, I suppose," he muttered.
Hermione had a quick performance on stage as she re-enacted slapping Malfoy from their third year. She slipped back into her seat, cheeks flushed. "I couldn't remember the exact insults I used. I might have messed that part up."
"Is it wrong that I find that scene appealing in a whole new way now?" Ron breathed near her ear. Her cheeks turned pinker and she flashed him a tiny reproachful look that held more flirtation than reprimand.
Remus stepped forward and, with the assistance of Neville Longbottom, produced the famous boggart of Snape wearing long formal robes and stuffed vulture hat. The laughter of the crowd confused and weakened the boggart and when Remus stepped in, it almost looked relieved to snap into a glowing orb and disappear at his Riddikulus.
Tonks stepped onto the stage again, apple back on her wand, though it was now missing a few bites. She swallowed hastily before speaking. "Ron's got some really brilliant memories, doesn't he? But there's one more Harry wanted us to do. He said it needed a little improvement to become a real Patronus-worthy memory, so Remus and I are going to re-enact it." She ducked behind the curtain. A few muffled pops and flashes later and the curtain opened to reveal a replica of Snape's Potions classroom. There were even ersatz students standing at the steaming cauldrons.
Snape stalked in, slamming the door. "You will notice that we have a guest with us today."
All eyes turned to the corner where Dolores Umbridge sat.
'We are continuing with our Strengthening Solutions today, you will find your mixtures as you left them last lesson, if correctly made they should have matured well over the weekend —instructions— on the board. Carry on."
As the students scurried to follow directions, Snape glared and glowered his way around the room.
"Well, the class seems fairly advanced for their level," Umbridge said, standing. "Though I would question whether it is advisable to teach them a potion like the Strengthening Solution. I think the Ministry would prefer if that was removed from the syllabus."
"And I would prefer if you were removed from my classroom," Snape snarled. "On a stretcher."
Her toad-like mouth stretched into a wide, simpering smile. "I'm flattered that you find the image of me sprawled supine stimulating."
Snape blinked.
"Now…. How long have you been teaching at Hogwarts?"
"Fourteen years."
"And you've consistently wanted to try other… positions?"
He eyed her suspiciously. "Yes."
"But you were never offered?"
"Obviously." Snape scowled. "I suppose this is relevant?"
"Oh yes, the Ministry wants a thorough review of teachers' backsides—er—backgrounds." She sashayed (as much as a toad-like woman wearing a ridiculously huge pink hair accessory could) over to Snape, where she seemed disinclined to respect his unspoken demand for personal space. She brushed against him teasingly. In a husky croak, she invited him to her private chambers where she offered to personally review his performance.
When he tried to take a step back, she leapt forward, fastening her lips on his while her arms wrapped around his neck. For a split second, he froze. Then he laced his fingers in her hair and kissed her back with an enthusiasm that both delighted and sickened the crowd.
Ron had covered his face with his hands, peering out the gaps between his fingers. "My stomach hurts," he groaned, doubling over. "But I don't know if it's from laughing or wanting to be sick."
"Maybe they both just need a little love," Harry said with a facetious grin.
Ginny and Hermione laughed at Ron, who'd pulled a face and shuddered.
As they turned back to the stage, they saw the snogging worked its magic and the toad was transforming into…
"Remus?" Ron's eyes went wide. "Remus was the Polyjuiced toadbitch?"
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'Snape' reached for Remus. "And happy early birthday to you as well, my love."
Remus chuckled, tapping a long finger on Tonks' pert nose, so out of place in the lean, angular face. "I can't say I ever quite imagined anticipating birthday kisses from Snape's lips."
"Wait till we get to the birthday spankings…"