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She always wondered what it was like. To be able to feel emotions, not suppress them. To be able to share with others those feelings. To not live in a constant state of losing complete control over those emotions. She wondered if one day she'd know what that was like.
She always felt a bit disconnected from the rest of her Titan family. Sure, she could feel all their emotions. She could know almost instantly what or how they were feeling. But it wasn't a two-way street. They could never know her true feelings. Only what she allowed them to know. Otherwise, she risked losing control. She could never allow herself to lose control.
The solution to her conundrum was straightforward: Suppress all emotions. Don't ever let yourself feel too much. The other Titans didn't really understand it. Not for lack of trying on their part, but it wasn't always easy to empathize with when they were able to feel freely, to not have to calculate their every feeling. Ever since she entered in his mind, she'd been closest to her team's leader, Robin. They shared a bond she didn't have with the others. After all, he did travel to a literal Hell just to try and save her. Not Cyborg with his abilities to turn his arm into a cannon, not Starfire with her starbolts and super strength, not Beast Boy with his ability to morph into any animal. But Robin. No super powers. Just a human with a staff, a belt full of gadgets, and his fists. He had risked it all for her. Not just her, but all of them. Time and time again.
She admired him. The only member of her team without powers, yet, in many ways, he was the strongest of all of them. Running on nothing but his own mind and sheer power of will and determination. Something he learned from his mentor, she was sure. He understood her better than the others. In a lot of ways, they were pretty similar. Much as he did his best to differ from his mentor, he was like him in a lot of ways. Hide your true feelings, calculate your every move, question everything and everyone until one hundred percent certainty, and even then… But she knew, even with all the similarities she shared with him, there was still a clear difference. He could feel if he wanted to, whenever he wanted to.
It didn't do much for her to dwell on it. But, when you spend your every moment keeping your emotions suppressed, it's hard not to. She learned to live with it. Not that she had much of a say in the matter. It was control it, or risk disaster. Sometimes she wondered, though, what would happen if she allowed herself to feel? Would it be so bad? What if she only allowed it for a small moment in time? Just to have one fleeting moment of freedom; to just not worry. But she knew the answer. She knew it wasn't something that she could do. Even if it didn't end in disaster, it certainly wouldn't help. If she felt it for just a brief moment, she'd crave it. More and more. And it would only cause her more frustration and pain.
So, she continued to go through each day like she always had. Meditate. Don't feel. Eat, train, don't feel, fight bad guys, don't feel, sleep, don't feel. It dominated her life. And at some point, she knew, she'd have to come to grips with the fact that she'd never be able to feel. At least, not like the others… It hurt. It hurt to see people go through every day and feel. It hurt her to watch Starfire and Robin share feelings for each other. To know that she could never have that. Even Cyborg, with all his robotic parts, could still feel. Not even fully human, and he could feel more than her. It hurt her to know she wasn't, that could never be… Human.
She had thought about leaving the team before. To isolate herself somewhere where no one would be able to find her. She thought that it would make everyone around her safer. That if she wasn't around anyone but herself, that she'd never have to worry about losing control of her powers. But she knew she'd never be able to do that. She couldn't leave her friends, her family. She loved them. Even if she rarely showed it. She hoped they at least knew that. It was them who had kept her grounded all these years. It was them that saved her from her father.
She had a recurring dream. One where she didn't have her powers anymore. One where she could feel. Where she didn't have to keep her emotions in check all the time, where she was able to be human. It made her cry when she woke up. To have a few moments of bliss ripped away by reality. Most times she wished it wouldn't stop. Sure, her powers were why she was a Titan. But she was sure that they wouldn't abandon her without them. Robin didn't have powers. She was sure she could manage something if she didn't have them.
She hated her dream. It gave her a taste of what life would be like without her powers. What it would be like if she didn't have to spend her entire life worrying about losing control. A life suppressing all feeling. It was unfair. So unfair for her to be able to feel what that life would be like and have it ripped away immediately. She felt like her mind was mocking her. Mocking her desire to be normal.
She went back to sleep hoping she wouldn't have that dream again, and she'd wake the next day with the same dread as always.
It hurt him to see her live life how she did. How she wasn't allowed to feel. How she had to suppress everything. It hurt him knowing there really wasn't anything he could do about it. Sure, he would try and help her. Try to get her to talk to him. To open up to him. With the bond they shared, he hoped she would be more open to his efforts to help her.
But she told him, "There isn't anything anyone can do to help me. This isn't just some problem you can fix. This is just how I have to life my life. I can't feel like you do. I can't lose control of my emotions. I can't risk that. I can't be… Human".
It had hurt him when she said that to him. He still thought about it a lot. He did research. He tried his best to find something that would allow her to feel. It wasn't fair, he thought, that she was forced to live her life like this. Like she was in a cage. Her mind was a prison. And there wasn't anything anyone could do about it. At least, not yet. He still had hope. Though more and more he began to think that maybe she was right. Maybe this wasn't just some problem that he could fix. Maybe this was just her lot in life. They all had their fair share of issues. Their own darkness inside them.
He wondered what it was like to live inside her mind. To be trapped by something you couldn't escape or fight. In some ways, she reminded him of his mentor. But it was different; he chose to be that way. He chose not to feel. It wasn't the same. She didn't choose this life. He knew that she wanted something more. Even if she never told him that, he knew that there was at least a part of her that wanted to be able to feel. To live life like a normal person.
He wondered what would happen if she let herself feel. If she didn't control her emotions. He had seen what would happen with her powers. Bursts of energy. Scarring Dr. Light on the bay. But he was sure she'd be able to control it in time. He had suggested it before, during one of their talks on the roof. But she shut his idea down as soon as he suggested it. He was glad that she still opened up to him a little. He hoped that the time they shared helped her. At one time, he thought that maybe it could've been more than just talks on the roof. But he knew better. He knew better than to try that. He knew how damaging that would be to her and their friendship. He couldn't risk it. He wouldn't risk that bond they shared. No matter how much that part of him wanted to. He had resigned himself to the fact that it could never happen long ago.
The crime alert chimed and pulled him out of his thoughts. A bank had been robbed. No details on who was robbing it. It didn't matter. They raced there in the T-Car. When they got there, something was off. This wasn't like a normal robbery. Everyone inside the bank wasn't physically hurt. There wasn't any physical damage to the bank itself. The people inside were all curled up on the floor, terrified looks on their faces.
Cyborg scanned the room. "They look like they've seen a ghost."
"Something doesn't feel right about this. No signs of any kind of weapons. Something isn't right here." The team leader examined.
"It does not look like the work of any of the villains we have faced" Starfire said.
Robin looked around and noticed something. "The cameras, they've all been shot."
"They should still have the footage of what happened before they got shot. I'll find the back room and download the footage. We can go over it at the tower." Cyborg said.
Something didn't sit right with Robin back at the tower. It didn't feel like anyone they'd faced before. Usually there was something left behind. Almost like a signature of who it was. But there wasn't anything for them to study outside of the footage Cyborg was transferring to the computer.
He noticed Raven was a little quieter than she normally was. He went over to her.
"Hey, you okay?"
"Huh?" She looked up. She looked like she had been in a daze. Like she was day dreaming. "Yeah, I'm fine. Just wondering who could have done this."
"Are you sure? If you want, we could talk about it if something's bothering you."
"I appreciate your effort, but really, I'm okay."
He frowned a little, nodded, and went back over to Cyborg. He knew better now than to press the issue. She was disappointed in herself. She still hadn't told him about her dream. She knew it hurt him when she closed herself off to him. To anyone of them. But she couldn't bring herself to tell him. After all, there wasn't anything he'd be able to do about it. She already knew what his mind was like. She had been in it before. She'd seen his dreams. His nightmares. His parents falling. Replaying over and over again in his head. She could see it way down on him. Some days more than others. She knew it wouldn't do any good to tell him her nightmares. He couldn't fix it. She had dreams like this before. It would pass. At least, she hoped it would.
Her thoughts were interrupted by Cyborg. "Guys, footage is downloaded. Something ain't right with this…"
Hope you guys enjoyed the first chapter! I hope to have the second one up soon! Let me know what y'all think!