I had never felt so god damned depressed as I did now, slumped in the seat of the jerky bus. Not even the time I found Mile's note a couple years ago could compare to this empty feeling. My original destination was my office to pack and water Charlie. But the more I thought about the office and what it used to represent, I couldn't face stepping foot in that place. So, here I was, riding the bus through its route. There were enough people coming and going that the driver never noticed that I never got off at any particular stop. I was, however, getting bored of staring at the same buildings and streets, so I stood up when the bus stopped and I descended into the muggy, May afternoon. I ran my hand through my unkempt hair and started walking.
It had been almost two weeks since my badge had been taken away. The one thing that would get me going in the mornings was looking forward to investigations or standing in court, feverishly defending my client. Now, there are few days that I even make an effort to get out of bed. I also knew that my last client had a daughter that he had left behind after he made his grand disappearance in the courtroom. One of the reasons for getting out of bed on this particular morning was thinking about that little girl, and how lonely she must be. I sighed, and stopped walking. Someone walking behind me bumped into my shoulder and didn't apologize. 'Jerk', I thought as I watched him walk with a determined pace. I furrowed my brow and realized I was standing in front of the courthouse. I wanted to walk away so badly, but my feet wouldn't let me. They carried me forward, slowly up the wide concrete steps.
"What the hell am I doing," I said to no one in particular as I turned as sat on the step. I exhaled sharply and rested my head in my hands. "Now is not the time for a meltdown." However, there I was, on the brink of tears as I thought of the damned prosecutor that I gave my heart to. God I'm pathetic. That was another certainty: I knew exactly how far Berlin was from L.A.; a twenty hour plane ride, but it's an eternity when a piece of your heart is there. Why did I pine over him? He always seemed to leave me and then return to help me through whatever hell I was going through and leave again. Where was the bastard now when I needed him the most? Not answering his phone, I knew that much. He made the promise in the airport that he would call frequently and that he would fly back before years end. He did call a couple times, but I had made most of the effort. I hated February.
"Jesus, it's only May, get over it, Phoenix." I wiped my face on the sleeve of my sweatshirt and tried to regain whatever composure I had left. My feet carried me down the stairs and in the direction of my office.
A couple blocks down they stopped. I was standing in front of the burger joint I would take Maya after we won our cases. Maya. Another face I hadn't seen in a while. I suppose that was partly my fault. I could've hopped on a bus and went to see her at anytime. The last time we had talked however, she had told me that her training was intensifying and that she wouldn't be able to communicate for an uncertain amount of time and that she was sorry. I told her I understood and not to apologize. I knew how important her training was to her, now that her mother was deceased and she had Pearls to take care of. I remembered her voice cracked as she thanked me and I told her everything was going to be okay. That was the beginning of April. She had called a couple days after my disbarment, but I was too ashamed to answer. Now, I regretted not answering.
The atmosphere turned dim as I looked up and saw the beginning of a thunderstorm boiling the clouds over the sun. 'Perfect,' I thought and with my hands in my pockets and head down, I started walking again. Miles would be cursing me right now for not having an umbrella. I laughed at myself. I made it eleven years without an umbrella, I can make it through this storm. Couldn't I? My pace slowed as the weight of the last few years came crashing down on me. Everything that I had known, my passion, my reason for living, had been stripped away. Even the reason for getting my badge was in another country. The world turned its back on me. I stopped and turned my face to the dark sky, letting the rain wash away my tears. Sighing, I wiped my face and realized that I had stopped in front of the building that housed my office. What better place to end up than the place where everything started. Maybe something in there will give me a clue as to what the hell I was supposed to do with my life.
I opened the door to my office and saw her sitting on the couch in the corner. She was concentrating so hard on the deck of cards in her tiny hands that she didn't see me come in. I watched her move the cards from hand to hand with a grace that would make a Las Vegas dealer look clumsy. I stuffed my hands in my pockets and walked to her. I couldn't explain the feeling or the order of events that happened next, but when she looked up at me and smiled her brilliant smile, I knew things would be alright, and I would survive the storm.