[Author's Note – Ash Wednesday 2018: There's no new chapter after Chapter Nine! I messed up while revising Chapter Five and basically had to resubmit most of the story. Sorry for the tease!]

Author's Notes: I posted this incomplete story here a long time ago. I'm revising it and also finally working on the last chapter.

Hope you enjoy it again or for the first time!

Let me know what you think. Questions, comments, and criticism are welcome by this aspiring writer.

*In this tale Tara was not pregnant when Jax went to Ireland and Gemma isn't on house arrest.

CHAPTER ONE

During the flight home Jax looked down at his sleeping son, holding him close. Gemma had tried to take Abel out of his arms so that he could rest but Jax was having none of it. He only gave in when it was unavoidable – when he couldn't force his eyes to stay open any longer and he was in danger of dropping his baby. As he watched his son like a hawk, he reluctantly thought about the woman he left behind – and how he left her. After the madness of Ireland that ended with the miracle of Abel being found, and before Samcro left Liverpool, Kozik called Jax with news that shook his composure. Since that call, he tried to keep his attention trained solely on Abel as best as he could to prevent guilt from eating him alive but it didn't work.

Once stateside and on land the others rode their bikes while Jax, Abel and Gemma rode in a van with Bobby driving during the last leg of the trip. Jax was more than anxious to get back to Charming after learning that Salazar and his girl had kidnapped Tara and that - j*s*s chr*st!- she had killed them both and escaped with Margaret Murphy. Pride mixed with anger and grief that she'd had to go through that because of him and without him. He had to get to her and see for himself that she was alright. This was the very kind of catastrophe he'd been trying to avoid, the reason he had emotionally strong-armed her out of his life. As it turned out pushing her away from him hadn't been enough. He wanted Tara safe and yet he'd done a piss poor job of protecting her. He had completely failed her.

While they were trying to figure out what their new relationship was going to be, he had claimed her openly enough for his enemies to know who she was. Now she would always be at risk even if she and Jax weren't together. She should have left Charming but he couldn't force her to – especially if walking in on him and Ima while the room still smelled of sex didn't chase her away. She was furious, he could tell, but she hadn't gone anywhere except out of his house. He handled his fears all wrong and hurt Tara in more ways than one. The shame he managed to dodge since leaving for Ireland finally caught up with him. And now Jax didn't want her to leave! He was an idiot unable to make up his damn mind. One thing he did know for sure – he had to make things right with Tara and commit to her, because if she left him now, he didn't know what he would do. But if she stayed, would he just fuck it all up again?

Exhausted from endless travel, violence and intrigue, and knowing it wasn't over yet, the returning Sons were greeted by the rest of the club, family, friends and croweaters. That's when Jax found out the one little detail Kozik left out of his story, which was the very end of it, the last line.

Tara was gone.

She had been away from Charming for a month but as soon as she arrived in Chicago she knew it was a big mistake. After killing two people in self defense and being released rather quickly from custody, she thought she needed the precarious security of a so-called normal life. It had been easy to get. Too easy. Her plane had probably taken off just as Jax was walking through the club house door. After crashing at such short notice with a big-hearted friend from her recent past, another pediatric surgeon at Chicago Presbyterian, Tara had her old job back and a nice apartment in the Loop within three weeks – courtesy of her old boss who was practically giddy that she was back and who pulled some strings on her behalf. It was like a bedtime story coming true for an unemployed doctor running from life.

Unfortunately she had wasted her benefactors' great generosity because at most she only needed a five day retreat or at least one session with a therapist. Tara had gone without either and had lost no sleep over ending two lives; nor did she question how easily she was taking the event in stride. The only thing she was losing sleep over was her half-empty bed and aching heart. What she told Jax before he went to Ireland was as true now as it was when they were nineteen and she didn't say it. She wasn't supposed to leave – not permanently. And nothing could be done about it except to go back. She hauled tail out of Charming before Jax could return with Abel because she was a coward. Tara had wanted to hold Abel in her arms again so badly but could not bear to see his father's empty eyes when he looked at her. His usually bright blue gaze was dull and cold when he told her he wasn't her family. G*d! How could he have said it? How could he have done what he did? She had loved this man forever and loved his son by another woman like he was her own. She had given Jax her body again and again, and then he turned on her and spoke to her like an enemy and an imbecile. And then he gave his body to Ima. Tara may have appeared outwardly numb but to say he had broken her heart did not begin to describe the pain of his unforeseen rejection and betrayal.

She had considered over and over again that this was an opportunity to make a clean and final break from Jax Teller and the anarchistic, dangerous and sometimes depraved MC world he inhabited so passionately. If Tara was completely honest with herself however, the life of Samcro often fascinated her and she even felt proud of Jax's position in the club. But there was nothing she would miss about MC life if he truly didn't want her anymore.

Recently she managed to see past the hurt far enough to decide that Jax was expertly bullshitting her. He had to be! After analyzing his behavior as objectively as she could, Tara came to the conclusion that he had been in such emotional turmoil over Abel that he acted irrationally towards her. The feelings that burned between them for thirteen years, surviving a ten year separation (and "hundreds" of lovers according to Mr. Dick Almighty, damn him!), hadn't simply died just because he was a good actor and at the moment a grade-A asshole. Despite his behavior she just couldn't shake the feeling embedded like an itch under her skin that it wasn't over between them and never would be.

Or maybe she was just a besotted fool to even consider going back into that maelstrom of drama and heartache in Charming.

She had called Lyla once about two weeks after Jax and the others had returned with Abel and found out that over half of Samcro, including Jax, was in prison and Abel was with Gemma. Tara was so worried that she wanted to contact him immediately but uncertainty and the callous way he ended things made her hesitate indefinitely until now. She thought it best to move cautiously and find out what kinds of obstacles lay between her and her goal.

Tara paced nervously in her small but comfortable living room as she waited for someone to pick up the other line.

~ "What?"

"Hi, Gemma." There was a lengthy pause. "It's Tara."

~ "I know who it is. What do you want?"

Tara couldn't say anything for a moment and when she finally could she cringed at how weak she sounded while saying the wrong thing.

"How is Jax?"

Click!

Tara took the phone away from her ear and looked at it. She redialed, the frown lines between her eyebrows pronounced.

As soon as the ringing stopped she said firmly, "Please don't hang up on me again, Gemma."

~ "Bitch, are you crazy? You wanted out so now you're out. What the fuck do you care how my son is? Here you are two months later asking about him like some stray mutt you fed for a few weeks."

"Gemma! Look…I shouldn't have left the way I did and I'm sorry for that. I want to come back. Now I'm asking you, please, how is he?"

~ "Picture this. You could stab and shoot your way out of a hostage situation (which was impressive, by the way) but you couldn't stand by your man after you let someone take his infant son right out of your arms."

Tara's eyes quickly welled with tears. "G*ddammit, Gemma! That's not how it happened!"

~ "It couldn't have happened any other way! So there's nothing for you here. Jax is done with you. When you left this time he wanted you out of his life, so now you're really out. Do you understand? You've got nothing to come back to. You made sure of that, sweetheart."

Click!

A month later…

The six of them sat down at the Samcro table of the mess hall in no particular order. The other prisoners knew who they were in the way that everyone eventually knew about the different crews in prison. They must also know the prez and the veep were both in the group. Samcro definitely had to watch its back 24/7 even though there'd been no obvious threats from the usual suspects. Perhaps that wasn't a good sign. The best time to shank someone of course was when their guard was down. As usual they ate in silence. Discussion was reserved for outside in the yard, and it was during yard time of that same day when Clay said without looking at him, "You're meaner than Tig lately. What's eating you besides the bed bugs?"

"Nothing," was Jax's reflex answer to this irksome periodic query when what he really wanted to say was 'It's because of your for-shit decision- making skills that we're in here at all. What the fuck else do you think is eating me? I'm the one who saved us from a 15 year bid, Arthritis.'

Anyway, Jax knew he'd been acting morose in a way that couldn't simply be explained by incarceration. It had been inevitable that some of them would do some time even with the plan they had in place. The goal had been reached to tie up loose ends like Stahl and Jimmy O. and protect the club. Jax had done time before and while much less than 14 months, he knew what to expect and figured he could handle it. Handling the cliché of a broken heart was much more of a challenge since he had more time to do nothing but think about her, a feeling also compounded by missing his son.

Tara Knowles had left him again – except this time he'd done everything he could to make her go. His intentions seemed good and made sense at the time but now – not so much. His intention to beg her to forgive him and to stay with him and Abel was never going to happen. She took out that bastard Salazar and his heifer all by herself. She realized it was all Jax's fault she was in the situation in the first place and then decided she was done with his ass and anything and anyone connected to him. So Tara had cleared the hell out of Charming before even saying goodbye to Abel. He was pissed at himself and pissed at her too. According to Lyla she waited just long enough to find out they'd gotten Abel back and then she just fucking left – again.

G*d damn her.

Part of the next morning was spent at his maintenance job as a plumber's assistant. Jax couldn't get near car or bike parts so this was the next best thing. Clay had objected – said it was safer to stick together when not in their separate cells. That didn't stop Bobby from getting a job in the bakery during their second week inside. Jax was nothing if not careful and he would go nuts if he didn't do something with his hands besides work out. During lunch later that day his name was called with several others for mail delivery and they were allowed one by one to approach the mailman at a window on the side of the room. Jax figured it was a letter from Opie who was the only one who wrote to him as well as visited since email usage was restricted in this 19th century shithole. Only Gemma came more often than he did and occasionally Piney would make the trip, usually accompanied by Filthy Phil or Dylan, if not by Opie. Most of the people to whom he was close enough to get a letter from were in jail with him anyway. However the small thin white envelope showcasing neat penmanship was definitely not from his best friend. His jaw tightened and he stopped in his tracks when he read the return address.

"Move along, Teller," sneered one of the least liked CO's in the joint, John Cane Gamble – a big Texan bubba and a true hoosier shit if there ever was one - always trying to press the inmates' emotional buttons for his own twisted amusement. As usual Jax only paid enough attention to him to avoid trouble and moved on as instructed. He was never giving a guard an excuse to slap him with a ticket or worse.

Everyone at his table glanced up as he sat down.

"What you got there?" Juice asked leaning over to peek. Jax gave him a look which made the younger man smile apologetically and move back. The rest pointedly ignored him as he ripped the side of the envelope and pulled out its contents. They didn't see his stony expression as he read the letter.

Jackson,

I hardly know what to write except that I should not have left Charming without saying goodbye to Abel. When I contacted Lyla a while back she said he was healthy and happy. I miss him.

And how are you?

I am writing to ask if I could visit you at the prison because I need to speak with you in person about something important.

Please let me come.

~~Tara K.

Two whole months she'd been gone and he'd been locked up without a g*ddamn word from her – like she disa-fucking-ppeared from existence. And now out of the blue - this. His appetite gone, Jax balled up the letter in his fist.

Tara had been waiting on pins and needles for two weeks after she sent the brief and purposefully vague letter to Jax. She paid a mint for express delivery to the prison and certified receipt. Of course if he didn't answer it, that in itself was an answer, but she wouldn't let it go at that. She needed to look into his eyes and see that his love for her was gone once and for all and hear him say the words 'I don't love you.' If he did, her heart would probably stop but at least she would be sure that her place was not by his side. The course of her life depended on knowing the truth about this more than anything else. Another week went by and she receive inch coarse padded brown envelope with no return address. Excited and nervous, she opened it hastily…

Whatever

-JT

"Argh!"

Tara angrily tossed the unlined, off-white paper onto her kitchen table and watched it slide off the opposite edge to the floor. She glared at it and snatched it up again. She lay down on her couch, holding the slightly misshapen page in front of her face. She hadn't exactly expected an enthusiastic response but certainly something more than one terse dismissive word written on uneven scrap paper. On the other hand, he hadn't written 'eat shit and die' or ignored her completely either. It was a fairly good sign, wasn't it? Tara sat up with a grim smile. She obviously wasn't handing in her notice at Chicago Presbyterian just yet. She had to see Jax Teller and she would – soon.

"I'm coming to get you, Jax. You can't run but you'll try to hide, won't you?" Tara whispered, tracing his bold cursive writing with her finger.