James Potter and the Bad Pick-Up Lines
"Do you believe in love for first sight, or should I walk by again?" James would do anything to make Lily notice him, even if it includes learning bad pick-up lines Sirius assures him will definitely work out … Drabble.
"So you know the plan? You sure you don't wanna go over it again, just in case?"
"Yes, Sirius, I'm bloody sure, as I have been the previous ten thousand times you've asked me,"
"Just making sure. Because I, unlike you, prefer to be sure then unsure."
"I'm not bloody unsure!"
"Oh, look, here she comes-"
"Bloody hell, Sirius. You were right, I can't do this. Goodbye!"
"Are you sure you wanna do this?"
"Are you sure you want me to hex you?"
"…What?"
"I'm gonna hex you if you keep on annoying me with questions like that. Of course I wanna do this!"
"Let me rephrase then: are you sure you're capable of doing this? I mean the last time, you kinda ran away like Peter would have in your place-"
"Eat snails!"
"She's there. Go."
"Sirius, you can stand closer to me. I can't feel your moral support from that far away."
Sirius shakes his head, his expression pained.
"What is your problem?"
"I can still taste the snails…"
"Oh, bloody Merlin! When will you finally get over that?"
Sirius frowns, glaring at James. "James, you made me eat snails, you shitface! You know how they taste?! You don't know, do you, huh! I don't think so! And Pomphrey was too bloody disgusted by them to come close to me, let alone bother to – I don't know – maybe cure me!"
James laughs. "Oh, yeah. I remember. That was funny,"
Sirius hate-filled glare only intensifies at James's lack of visible contriteness – not that the latter does feel sorry for what he did, mind you.
"Besides, aren't snails a French thing, monsieur toujours pur?" James goes on, trying to be funny to ease the tension between them.
Sirius's expression turns disbelieving. It's only a few minutes later that the words have left his lips that James realizes their immensity. He stammers, before finding his voice and finally spitting out an apology. "I'm sorry, Sirius. That wasn't cool,"
Sirius is too furious to reply; he only grimaces and makes an agitated movement with his head, folding his arms across his chest.
"I'm really sorry, mate," James says, feeling honestly contrite this time. How could he have brought this up?
"Whatever, Prongs," Sirius says, though it's obvious he's not any less furious. James opens his mouth to protest and keep on apologizing, but Sirius cuts him off, saying with a forced smile, "By the way, snails are a French thing. But they are usually cooked in France, you made me eat them raw,"
It is a lame joke, but he laughs, because he doesn't want to lose a friend over something like his family – his family doesn't deserve that kind of pleasure.
James laughs, because he's relieved that everything is fine between them now. "So everything's alright then?" he asks with a broad grin.
Sirius smiles wickedly, and his bespectacled mate gets a sudden suspicion. "Sirius – what are you-?"
"Eat snails!" Sirius yells, whipping out his wand and pointing it straight at James. As the hex takes action, Sirius smiles with sadistic enjoyment. "Now everything's alright," Bitch, Sirius adds internally, still not entirely calmed down.
James would even laugh if he weren't too busy throwing up snails.
At the worst moment does Lily Evans choose to enter the scene. She's hanging out with a friend, and doesn't fail to make a witty comment about his admirer being hexed in such a cruel way.
"Oh, look at that, Caroline! Potter's giving birth through his mouth!"
Laughing hysterically, the two girls leave behind a very humiliated James and a guffawing Sirius.
"One day," James manages to get out before 'giving birth' to two more adorable little snail babies, "You're going to be mine," he tells Lily's retreating back, "And that," he goes on before spitting out another few snails, "and that is going to be your punishment."
Sirius only laughs even harder.
"OK, I'm really going to do this now,"
"Are you sure?"
"Do you want to eat snails again?"
"Do you?"
"Hm. Fair point. OK, here she comes!"
"Good luck, mate."
"Thanks. Hey, Evans!"
"Oh, no, here comes Potter," Lily whispers to her friend Caroline, who giggles and runs off before Lily even realizes what happened. "What – bloody traitor! You should be in Slytherin!"
Caroline turns back, sticks her tongue out and winks at Lily mischievously. Lily suddenly wishes looks could kill, because then Potter would have been long dead and her best friend would drop dead right now. But alas… life is cruel.
"Hey, Evans! Nice, uh, top," James complements, his eyes lingering a little too long on Lily's cleavage.
"What do you want, Potter?"
Encouraged by the fact that she hadn't yet ran away, James says, grinning, "Like the way you're dressed today, Evans. So, out of pure appreciation, I just came over here to tell you that you're body is wonderland,"
"Uh, thanks?"
"And I want to be Alice in it!"
"Relax, James! It's going to work out! Lily's just the kind of girl who likes to be chased. Now, do you want her or not?"
"Of course I do!"
"Then you have to be more persistent! Don't give up after the first failure!"
"I prefer not to call it a failure, just a-"
"Failure?"
"OK, whatever! Just get lost! Here she comes…"
"Is that how you talk to your best friend?"
"What? Since when did you become such a pussy?"
"You were the one who said he wanted to be Alice!"
"You told me to use pick-up lines!"
"And you used the worst one! It's your fault entirely! Now move your ass because she's just came through the portrait hole!"
James runs up to Lily, knocking her friend Caroline out of the way, then stepping on something soft. But he doesn't care, because all he can possibly focus on is the beautiful redhead in front of him. "Lily!" he pants, then ruffles up his hair with his hands and sticks his chest out. He grins, "Aye, I've been meaning to ask you, are you an interior designer? 'Cause the room totally brightened up when you came in!"
No reply.
"Potter, would you fucking mind stepping off my best friend's head?"
"Hey, Evans! Did you fart?"
"Ew, no! Sod off, Potter!"
"Really, 'cause you totally blew me away!"
"Hey, Evans!"
"I swear, if it's another pick-up line-"
"It's not! You just dropped something there!"
Lily turns back, bends down to inspect the floor. When she finds nothing, she glares up at James angrily, "What? And where is it?"
James bursts into a grin. "It's this conversation that you dropped. So why don't we pick it up later tonight?"
"Evans!"
Lily whispers to Caroline, "Quick, hide me!"
"He already saw you, and I don't want him to step on my face again,"
"You seriously should be in Slytherin, you traitor, disgrace to all Gryffindor BFF's worldwide," Lily hisses. Caroline makes an agitated noise before strutting off, offended.
"EVANS! Here you are! Eh, sorry I came here to talk with you again, but sweetness is my weakness,"
"Aw, thanks. Now that you have told me the pick-up line of the day, will you shove off?" Lily says. She wants him to leave; not because she wants go after Caroline (she's sick of her stupid, self-induced drama), but because she just wants him finally gone.
"Ooh, fiery! You're so hot you make the devil sweat, girl!"
Lily snorts, then claps her hand against her mouth immediately. James burst into a grin. Lily is immediately infuriated by the obvious sign of happiness or at least gladness, and would do – say – anything to clear that triumphant expression of his face.
"Babe, you're so hot you make the equator seem like the north pole!" James goes on. Lily is about to open her mouth, but James is now in his element. "Stop, drop, and roll, baby, you're on fire. You're hotter than donut grease! If it weren't for that DAMNED sun, you'd be the hottest thing ever created. You're so hot I bet you could light candles at 10 spaces. You know, I'd like to invite you over, but I'm afraid you're so hot you'd skyrocket my air conditioning bill-"
"There is no air-conditioning in Hogwarts, dumbass!" Lily yells at the top of her lungs, furious, when James finally pauses for a breath.
The bespectacled boy blinks. "Fine! And girls say they like romance!"
"Oh, 'cause this is romantic to you?" Lily demands.
James blinks again, seemingly really not getting it. "According to Sirius, it is."
"Are you parents retarded, Evans?"
"Excuse me?"
"'Cause you sure are special, baby!"
"My parents aren't retarded, but you sure are."
"You know what, Evans? I'd be even offended if that wasn't such a lame comeback line."
"It wasn't any lamer than your pick-up line!"
"It was not!"
"It was too!"
"How can it be lame and not lame at the same time, Potter? I told you you're retarded."
"And you are special, which is a synonym for retarded. Wanna get together?"
James doesn't have very good grades in Potions. Why? Because he had chosen to sit behind Lily Evans, and she proves to be much more beautiful than Slughorn, and it's much more interesting to watch her than his own boiling potion. Unfortunately for him, his deskmate Peter isn't a Potions whiz either – or any kind of whiz, for that matter – and thus he's failing this class. They're both failing, he and Peter.
"Psst, Evans!" he hisses to her when he gets bored of Peter wailing next to him about the potion he's brewing being a sickly green color rather than a vibrant orange one. "Evans! Evans!"
"What?" she hisses, turning back, green eyes sparkling with anger. She's so beautiful when she's angry.
James grins and ruffles his hair. The fact that he turned back makes him think that she does like him to some extent at least, and that thought keeps him going.
"You're like a bottle of Skele-Gro, Evans, you make me grow an extra bone,"
"Merlin's pants, Potter-" she scoffs, sounding outraged and disgusted. But even if she's mad, she's not turning forwards, she is paying undivided attention to him, and that's all he really desires.
"I don't know anything about Merlin's pants, but I can sure see me in yours!" James goes on, grinning.
Caroline giggles. "And you wonder why you're single, Potter? At the rate you're going, you're gonna end up in a monastery 'cause no one's gonna want to screw you."
"Oh, Lily does! She always says, screw you, Potter! She just forgets the 'I'd love to', from the beginning."
"Hey, Evans! Are you from Tennessee? 'Cause you're the only ten I see!"
"Hey, Evans! I'm not trying to impress you, but… did you know I was Batman?"
"Evans! You know what! If you were a booger, I'd pick you first!"
"My love for you is like diarrhea!"
"What?"
"I forgot the end of that pick up line. But the point is, you're hot, wanna go out?"
"Evans! EVANS, WAIT! Don't run away! Oh, shucks!"
"Prongs, she's there! Go ask her out!"
"No, Sirius. Just… no."
"Why? I thought it was working out?"
"Do you want me to hex you?"
"Gee, Prongs, calm down!"
"Sirius, why did you lie to me on purpose? You knew it wasn't going to work out, didn't you?" Sirius pulls a guilty face, and that is all the confirmation James needs. "So why'd you lied to me?"
Sirius bites his lower lip, hesitating before replying. "Well, why'd you believe me?"
James can't believe it. His best mate is not even denying having tricked him so cruelly. "What?" There's nothing else he can possibly say.
"I thought you knew this was a joke, and did it for the hell of it…"
"Great, Sirius, just great! I'm glad to know I can always count on my best friend!"
"Prongs! What the hell! Prongs, I'm sorry, OK!? Come back!"
James storms out of their dorm room, making it obvious he doesn't want to talk to him. Sirius slumps back on his bed, feeling devastated.
"Oh, God, here comes again, Caroline! Let's run before he-"
"Wait, he looks mad!"
"I hope he doesn't wanna beat me up for refusing all his so-called offers-"
James stalks off beside them, not even sparing them a glance. The two girls, it's safe to say, are beyond shocked.
"So, uh, Potter," Lily says, going up to him as he's sitting alone in the common room, his hands buried in his hands. She receives no reply, and she is starting to seriously worry.
She has never seen Potter unhappy before, not even when he had been rejected by her or given a T in whatever subject he didn't study for that time. He had seen him mad, when they had once lost to Slytherin in Quidditch; she had even once seen him nervous before their OWLs a year ago… but sad? James Potter was the pampered, fat-headed and self-proclaimed prince of Hogwarts; there was no way he could even know the meaning of sadness!
But then what was this…?
"Potter, what happened?" she asks, biting her lip, her forehead creasing in worry.
James glances up from his palms for a second. "Just – just go away, Evans,"
His tone is so hostile, Lily gasps. He had never spoken to her like this, ever. Obviously something very serious is going on. But he had made it obvious that he didn't want her here, and she isn't going to force herself on him. Besides, he has friends – they will console him. It's not really her job, now is it?
She pats him on the shoulder, but he snaps her hand away; he is wondering whether she is mocking him or not, being so terrible to him one minute, then acting so nicely the next.
"I'll leave, then," Lily then says somberly, though she doesn't really want to leave him alone in such a miserable state. "Cheer up, Potter,"
James doesn't reply. Lily feels really bad for her... but why?, she wonders. What's Potter to her, anyway? Or, more importantly, what does she tell herself Potter is to her?
She can't get James and his unknown problem out of her head even when she rejoins Caroline in the Great Hall for dinner.
Later…
James's foul mood passes within days, but for a while longer Lily still wonders what his problem could have been. She doesn't have the guts to question him, so lastly she reconciles with the fact that she's never going to find out.
She doesn't know why she actually cares – perhaps it's because she had figured out that James Potter was a human who too had his moments of weakness too, and that there was more to him than just an arrogant bully. His pranks with Sirius have ceased as well. It's certainly nice, Lily thinks, but finds that Hogwarts is a bit boring without them.
Had she been too harsh on them, she wonders, just because of her friendship with Severus? Because she really misses their stupid little pranks right now; they really made life a bit more interesting. Would James not teasing Severus in particular have altered her view on him?; she's unable to help going on wondering like that.
Oh, but who cares now!, she tells herself firmly before she wastes much more time pondering this matter. A matter that no longer matters, because it's not even like he's asking her out anymore. He doesn't ignore her either, like rejected guys do to girls who have hurt them. He just smiles and says "Hey," whenever they pass by each other, if he notices her. Because sometimes he doesn't, and for some unknown reason, that makes Lily feel bad.
"What's up with you today, Lily?" Caroline asks, her eyebrows contracted with worry.
Lily looks at her, surprised that she has noticed. Then she smiles and says, "Nothing. Nothing at all," and shakes her head.
Caroline pulls a face, but decides not to press on. "If you've got a problem, don't brood. Do something to fix it," she decides to say at last. It makes her sound like she cares, but she doesn't really know if she does, no matter how peculiar that sounds.
Caroline likes being friends with Lily – she really likes popularity around herself – but is also jealous of her so-called best friend who is infinitely prettier and popular than herself. And then again, Lily can be very mean too. Should she really care if such a mean person, whose life is otherwise oh-so-perfect, especially compared to hers, is feeling a bit sad for a change?
Lily snorts at Caroline's failed attempt at consolation. "Easy for you to say. It's not your problem!"
Caroline pulls a face. Can't Lily appreciate any form of help she can provide?! "You're right, it's not. So have fun solving it out yourself!" she snaps before storming off.
Lily is unable to believe her friend has just deserted her like that.
After she finishes her breakfast and calms down a little, the redhead decides that maybe there had been something in what Caroline had told her. She should stop brooding – even though she isn't brooding!... she's just… yeah, well, brooding – and should do something about the things that bother her.
"Hey, Potter!" she calls out as soon as she spots him. He doesn't hear, or at least doesn't respond. "HEY, POTTER!" she repeats herself at the top of her lungs, and finally he turns around to face her, looking more surprised than ever.
"What, Evans?" he asks.
"Hello," she says. "Are you taking any applications for a girlfriend?"
It is safe to say that everyone in the vicinity is beyond shell-shocked. Lily Evans asking James Potter out… now that is a first!
James doesn't reply, just stares, eyes widening behind thick glasses.
Lily feels her cheeks burning. She wishes the earth would swallow her when Sirius bursts out laughing, and numerous other idiots – including Potter – follow suit.
Lily can't believe it! Potter's laughing at her! Isn't he supposed to be head over heels for her? She's about to run away when James starts approaching her, and she freezes down. What's going to happen now?
Anti-climatically, James only puts an arm around Lily and leads her away from the laughing crowd.
"You're hired," he whispers in her ear. "So, how about you and me, Madame Puddifoot's, this weekend?"
The End