A/N: I recommend re-reading the Memory Cage novella right before reading this (specially if you've just read pr[E]dator) as there are many references to it in both of my stories and it will help tie things together.
Emotion
► log 11943_0728_045622 |
2B didn't feel quite ready to meet 9S again after the events at the Barren Temple, but she had to follow orders. Emotions are prohibited, she reminded herself.
However, when she noticed the sword resting casually on his back, as if it had always belonged there, a sharp warning feeling ran through her. Why did he still have it? He had at some point learned to use a melee weapon, and had used that same sword to fight her last time she got the order to kill him. However he shouldn't have been able to remember any of that. He apparently didn't, as he was as eager to meet her as usual. When she had subtly asked why a Scanner model like him had a sword equipped, he'd looked confused and said he wasn't sure either.
When she got the chance, she asked his Operator, 21O, about it.
"9S certainly retains the skill to both equip and use close-range weapons. However, his memory has been fully wiped as scheduled, so there is nothing to worry about." Perhaps because 2B's expression didn't change, she added, "I would hardly think it could become an inconvenience for your mission."
That was not what was burdening 2B, though. She was confident in her skill, having won invariably against true combat models in the past, so a target fighting back was not a concern. No, she felt there was something off about 9S remembering after a memory wipe, even if it was just muscle memory. She was set on following her orders no matter what, even if every time she ended him seemed to place a heavier weight on her shoulders that never quite weared off. However, it was her secret. She could live with it as long as she could hide it from him, as long as he was able to live happily by her side and only she carried the weight of their curse. To think that he could potentially recall her repeated lies and betrayal, the pain and suffering she caused him, was more terrifying than any enemy she'd fought.
Even though he seemed completely clueless about her true purpose, the uncomfortable feeling didn't completely leave her.
► log 11943_0801_071846 |
2B wasn't used to have an ally fighting alongside her at melee range. She would sometimes end up dodging attacks that weren't aimed at her, and frankly 9S proved to be more of a hindrance than he had been when he was providing support by hacking enemies from a safe distance. Though he was indeed able to use the sword he was carrying, she noticed his technique was considerably rougher than that of a true combat android. It both made his attack pattern messy and hard for her to predict.
After giving it a lot of thought, she decided to teach him what she could about swordplay. She knew that him being more skilled could eventually complicate her mission in a scenario where he fought back, but on the other hand she wanted him to be able to fight properly. She wasn't feeling comfortable on the battlefield next to him, and she figured if there was ever a situation where she could not be by his side, she wanted him to be able to defend himself. While she held his hacking ability in high regard — specially after having been subject to it herself — she also knew it had many disadvantages, as it took several seconds to channel and he was completely vulnerable while performing it.
As she expected, he was easy to convince to learn something new, perhaps even moreso because it came from her. Teaching proved to be more difficult than she anticipated, though. It was hard to put into words something that she had been programmed with — and hence knew all along — and she had never been particularly good at talking. Despite this, he hung on every word of hers — as expected from a model made for gathering information — and was a quick learner, though he did seem to lose his concentration everytime she touched him to correct his posture.
It only took him a week of learning on their free time to reach what she considered a decent level of swordplay. She hoped he would at least remember the technique, even if he would forget it was her who taught it to him.
► log 11943_0925_233816 |
While an android's concept of sleep was different than that of their human creators, they did need to rest periodically. 2B knew this very well as she once again ignored her Pod's warning that her systems had been functioning for over 70 consecutive hours and a drop in overall performance was to be expected. She didn't need the reminder; her whole body felt heavier than usual, and her vision captured her surroundings in a lower resolution, resulting in a slightly blurry picture. Despite this, she couldn't bring herself to shut down.
She was at the small infirmary of their current camp, sitting beside the single bed with her gaze focused on 9S's body, who was currently resting on it. Three days earlier they had been ambushed by a large group of machines. She had been fighting most of them when a particularly big one tried to attack her from behind, but 9S intercepted the hit. It was enough to buy her time to finish her enemies and shift her attention to the new target, but he had taken a lot of damage. She'd had to carry him back to the nearest YoRHa camp for reparations. The Healer unit had taken only three hours to fix him up, but she'd said he might take a while to wake up as his body had been through a lot of stress for a non-combat model.
2B had considered talking to the other androids at the camp and checking if she could be of help while waiting for him. However, whenever she tried to leave the small room she felt anxiety rushing over her. It made no sense — she knew he was fine, the Healer had said that he just needed some rest. But still, like a magnet, she was drawn back to his bedside. She figured she would just wait there for 9S to wake up — after all, she wanted to reprimand him for his recklessness. He would also probably be happy to see her when he opened his eyes.
She reached a hand out to gingerly touch his cold cheek. She didn't often get the chance to see him like that. He looked so peaceful, resting with no pool of blood surrounding him or a blade lodged on his chest. A pang of guilt made her retreat her arm. She would never quite get the feeling of his blood off her hands. Though it had been almost two months since she last recieved the killing order — longer than it had ever been before — it could still come any minute. She couldn't allow herself to forget that, even though deep inside she hoped it would never come. She knew it was just wishful thinking.
Wearines made her thought process and reactions slower, but the low hum of his systems starting up followed by small movement was enough to grab her full attention.
"9S." She called, knowing that his hearing would load faster than his sight.
"2... B?" His uncovered eyes slowly fluttered open and focused on her, his recognizement lifting a weight off her.
"Good morning." She hadn't actually checked the time.
"Good... morning..." He made an effort to sit up on the bed and looked around. "Ugh, my whole body hurts... What happened?"
"We were fighting a group of machines. You tried taking on an enemy too big for you." Her tone was a little harsher than she had intended.
"...Right. Sorry about that." He was looking away from her in embarrasment, something she wouldn't have been able to catch with his visor on. "I was just... I didn't want to see you get hurt."
She heaved a sigh, partly from his answer and partly from exhaustion. "I know. Still, I would have received much less damage from that hit than you did." She could see his shoulders falling slightly. "9S... I've already told you this before. You should never let your emotions dictate your actions in the battlefield." It was one of the basic notions of a combat model, a soldier, and an android. She had learned long before that asking him not to show emotion was a lost cause, even if she still repeated it sometimes. But she also knew very well that an emotional warrior was dangerous, both to people around them and to themselves.
"...I'm sorry." He repeated, voice deflating. 2B wondered if perhaps she was being a bit too harsh on him. Sure, his move had not been the best, but she would be lying if she said she didn't appreciate the feeling behind it — or that she wouldn't have done the same thing, had he been the one in danger. After a moment 9S started looking around for something and, taking a guess, she reached for the black piece of cloth resting on a nearby shelf and handed it to him.
"Still..." Her voice made him pause as he grabbed the visor. "I'm glad you ar , 9 s ..." Midway through the sentence, she had reconsidered and her voice started to waver, ending as barely a whisper. She wanted to make him feel better, and it wasn't a lie, but... perhaps she shouldn't be saying it so directly.
"...Huh? What did you just say?" He was still clutching the black fabric in his hands as he turned to face her. His light blue eyes were focusing intently on her, and she had to look away. It was oddly... embarrassing. She had seen his eyes before — there were some times when he had just woken up, or when his visor was damaged or undone during combat. But those were just mere glances, and she had never payed much attention. She wondered if it was a human thing — from her general knowledge, they were flustered by the sight of skin beyond what was normally exposed by average clothing. However, she had never thought much of it. On the other hand, eyes were usually hidden by YoRHa units — at least those who were sent to the field — and they revealed a lot about their owner.
'It's nothing', she considered in her mind. But knowing 9S, it would probably only make him more inquisitive and she didn't want him to focus too much on the topic. "...That I'm glad you are okay..." It was even harder to say the second time.
"No, after that." He still had that same curious expression when she turned to face him once more.
Huh? She blinked behind her black visor, thinking back. "I just said your name, I believe."
"Right, but you said it like really soft. I couldn't hear the 'E' sound, so instead of 9S, it just sounded like... 'nines'."
She had no idea where he was getting to, perhaps because she was so tired and had trouble thinking straight. "...I'm sorry?" It was truthfully more of a question than an apology.
"No no, I didn't mean it as a bad thing. Hmmm..." 9S then closed his eyes and rested his chin on his palm, that was still holding the forgotten visor, as if in thought. He opened them again a few seconds later, "I know. Remember when we first met, that you inisisted that I called you '2B' instead of 'Ma'am'?"
"Yes." It was an habit she'd had since their second meeting, to always ask him to address her by her name. She just felt extremely awkward being treated so formally by the person she spent most of her time with.
"I was thinking... I mean, it's just a wild thought I got a minute ago, ummm..." He was fidgeting and avoiding to look at her. "Since we've been partners for a while and we're pretty close... I mean I consider we are. Do you think you could, I mean I would be happy if from now on, you could call me just 'Nines' like you just did, you know instead of the full '9S'? I think it 'rolls of the tongue better', dontchathink?." The end was just a mess that she had trouble processing.
2B considered it for a moment. It was a very simple thing, the nickname sounded hardly any different than his YoRHa designation, he was also right about it being faster to say. Yet, a part of her was aprehensive to the idea. On the other hand... he did say it would make him happy. She thought back about him being able to remember the sword skill. At the time she had been worried that he might remember sad, painful things. However, there was also the possibility that he would keep some happy memories. She always brought him so much suffering, something she couldn't do anything about. If she could make him happy, if only for a moment, then she definitely wanted to.
"Alright... Nines." She wanted to test how it sounded, and immediately felt... naked. Like if through a single word, all her feelings were exposed for him to see. She wondered if he could hear in her voice how much she cared about him.
She wasn't sure if he could or not, but he flashed her the biggest smile she'd ever seen. "Thank you!" Even his eyes seemed to be shining with happines and full of energy, like he hadn't just woken up from being unconscious for two days. A smile of her own tugged at her lips as she felt something similar to the thrill of battle, but calmer and deeper. For a while they had nothing to talk about and just stayed silent, and her consciousness started slipping away.
"Warning: YoRHa unit 2B's systems have been working for 72 consecutive hours. A programmed shutdown is imperative," Pod 042's voice rang. This time she felt too tired to argue back.
"Wait... 2B, you haven't slept at all? In three days?!" asked 9S - Nines, who had finally tied his visor around his eyes.
"..." The answer was obvious, of course. So she stayed quiet.
"Are you crazy? You're always like this." He shook his head, but there was no real scolding tone. "...Thank you. For being here when I woke up."
She knew he was being honest, he'd always seemed scared of being alone. "... It's nothing."
He was still smiling at her, "But you should really go get some rest, you know." And then all she remembered was being practically dragged to her bed at the camp.
► log 11943_1010_163458 |
After that, Nines was a lot... closer to her. Literally. 2B was always aware of her surroundings, she had to be since she spent a good amount of her time battling. And she could tell that he was walking slightly closer to her than usual, then even closer... until reaching the point where he would bump into her whenever she came to a stop. After it happened a few times, she simply told him to walk beside her.
Likewise, when they stopped for a moment to rest — mostly for his sake, but she wouldn't blame him — he would sit closer to her. When his shoulder ended up touching hers, her whole body jolted slightly. Being tuned for combat, by default she reacted badly to any unexpected physical contact — as it would usually mean she was under attack. She couldn't allow herself to completely drop her guard, even around him — after all, he had already attacked her in the past.
She did her best to suppress the feeling though, not wanting to ruin the moment. As he leaned his head against hers — both being roughly the same height while sitting down — she could hear the faint sound of his pulse rising from what she guessed was nervousness. She returned the gesture, leaning very lightly against him. From the corner of her eye she caught a glimpse of a big grin forming on his lips, and couldn't help also smiling softly.
2B truly enjoyed the time they spent together, even being soldiers in the middle of a war. She often felt guilty or undeserving of Nines's evident affection, but kept convincing herself it was all for his sake. If he was happy, then it was fine. However, deep down she knew those bright days wouldn't last forever.
It was after a routine visit to the Bunker that he started acting strange, she knew him well enough to be able to tell something was wrong. He seemed tense and was once again walking a few steps behind, always looking at her — but not the way she had become used to, it was as if he was analyzing each of her movements. When she called his name he didn't answer, so she touched his shoulder, making him jump away as if her hand had burned him. A cold fear stirred inside her even as he claimed it was nothing. She knew he knew something, and didn't dare press the issue further.
So she was already mentally prepared when the dreaded order came — or at least that's what she told herself.
They walked in tense silence, her a few feet behind him, in an abandoned building. It was made of stone, with spacious halls and dimly lit. 2B had decided to 'explore' it and Nines had quietly agreed, his mind elsewhere as it had been in the past days. This was as good a place as she could think to complete her assigned task. It was a closed space where he would have trouble running away, nobody would see them, and inside it was dark enough for her movements to be harder to detect. And... she prefered doing it in the dark, where the result of her work would blend easily with the shadows, instead of the eternal daylight of open spaces where the deep red of blood shone brightly, accusingly.
She made an effort to step lightly on the stone floor to hide the sound of her heels. It was of little use, though — Nines was turning around to look at her through the corner of his visor every few seconds. He was definitely unnerved by her presence, perhaps even scared. He had made a much better job at hiding it back at the Barren Temple, she thought glumly.
Programmed duty was scratching at the back of her mind, and she slowly came to a stop, stilling her body in preparation. Emotions are prohibited...
As quickly as she could, she drew her sword and aimed for the usual spot right to the left of the center of his chest. If she could get a clean stab there, his pain receptors would stop working before he could actually feel the blade, and she would be able to easily slash his black box before he even knew what was happening. It would be over before he had the time to hate her.
Her blade met metal, but it was not circuitry or even the material below his artificial skin. He was stopping her blade with his own, and she couldn't help feeling a small pride at her disciple being able to successfully parry a surprise attack. She pushed harder but he grabbed his sword with both hands, using all his strength against her.
"So... It was... true." His tone was strained with both effort and emotion, but slightly sarcastic.
"..."
"So, from the start... You were going to kill me, right? 2B?" He still got no response from her, and his voice started breaking more and more with each word. "So from the start... It was all a lie... You were faking everything..."
Nines... She stayed quiet. She had decided not to speak to him during these missions. Right now she wasn't 2B anymore, she was 2E, someone who had no words for him.
He pushed harder against her blade with difficulty. "Please... Don't do this..." Now he just sounded... sad and broken. Each of his words was like a cold hand gripping at her chest.
She knew she had to get this done quickly, for both of their sakes. She jumped back away from him, putting some distance between them and preparing for a new strike. It wouldn't be a surprise attack anymore, but she still had the upper hand. The artificial bloodlust of battle boiled within her, even as it clashed with her current state of mind.
He stumbled slightly once his sword was no longer pressing against hers, but quickly regained his balance. His posture was completely defensive, as if he had no intention to take a swing at her, a far cry from their last encounter. "I don't want to lose my memories... my time with you... I was so happy..."
She gripped her sword tighter, clenching her teeth. Don't listen to him.
"2B... You are the most important thing in the world to me." Nines's voice was completely desperate and broken like she had never heard him before, and yet it sounded completely sincere. Like he had teared his metaphorical heart right out of his chest for her to see.
She knew that already, of course. It was obvious in the way he always acted around her, even if only because he ignored her true identity. And yet, hearing him say it out loud... Her resolve started to waver, and her grip on her sword loosened slightly. "Nines..." She said her name against her will, and he twitched from hearing it. Realizing she had broken her vow to herself about not speaking, she decided to forget about it and searched for more words to say. "We will meet again." She wasn't sure if she trying to calm herself or Nines, but it did neither.
He seemed to realize something, though. "How many times have you done this?"
The question was like a slap to her face. "... Too many," she answered sincerely.
For a moment, they were quiet. She could have taken the chance to attack him, but her energy had mysteriously left her. "Even if it's like that... I won't remember. I'll be a different person," he finally said.
"I know." Her own voice was breaking now. Of course she knew. He wouldn't remember her, he would act like a child, he would call her 'Ma'am'. But his personality would be the same, and she would inevitably get attached once again, only to end him with her own hands later. They were forever trapped within this cycle. Her arm fell and there was a soft screeching sound as the tip of her blade scratched lightly against the stone floor. Her insides felt like glass that was slowly cracking all over.
Nines opened his mouth as if to speak, but closed it again. "2B..." His voice was softer, but sill shaky, as he whispered her name. He then took a tentative step forward, very cautiously, as if analyzing her reaction. Had he wanted to, he could have simply rushed forward with his sword pointing at her, and she felt she wouldn't have been able to move her body to evade or defend herself.
He slowly took step after step until he was close enough that he could have reached her with the tip of his blade. But instead, he paused and outstretched his arm to the side. In a simple, firm motion he released his grip and the sword returned to his back in a flash of pixels. Nines was now unarmed, but as he continued inching closer, it was her that felt completely vulnerable. Her bloodlust had dramatically decreased and now her systems urged her to flee, alerting her that an enemy was getting dangerously close. In either case, she was still frozen in place, feeling as if any movement or touch would completely break her.
He reached for her right hand and gently outstretched her fingers — to which she put up no resistance — disarming her as well. She stayed still as he kept getting even closer, but her pulse was rising and her defense systems went crazy with warnings when his body finally touched hers. Both killing and fleeing instincts were fighting feverishly inside her, but her only movement was involuntary shivering when she felt his gloved hands brush the exposed skin on her back.
"I'm sorry." Nines was embracing her softly enough that she would've had no trouble pulling away. She could no longer see his face, as his chin was resting lightly on her left shoulder. He was so close, their chests were in contact and through the fabric she could feel the soft pulse of his black box signal — almost like a living creature's 'heartbeat'— that would usually require a Pod to locate. Very slowly, she raised her left hand to his back and gripped his clothing, clenching her teeth.
Why?
Why are you like this? It was so like him to apologize to his own murderer for making her suffer. He was always so gentle, so kind and caring...
Why do you make this so difficult?
She was cracking more and more.
How she wished... she didn't have to do this. Or that she could do it without a care. She wished she could just rip all feeling out of her chest and return to being the cold-blooded, efficient killer she had been the first time. No, that wasn't right. If she was honest, not even during their very first meeting had she been immune to the effect he had on her. It was such a cruel fate, but there was nothing she could do about it. She had thought about it countless times, toying with the idea of disobeying her orders, of running away. But she knew it wouldn't work, she had already witnessed the fate of rebelling E models. They'd be hunted down, caught sooner or later. And in that scenario both of their memories would be wiped.
She couldn't allow that, she couldn't allow herself to die. Even if she was reprogrammed again, without her memories it was basically dying. She should know about that. 9S - Nines had died so many times already, and even if she met him again, he would never be quite the same person as the time before. The only thing she could do was keeping him alive in her own memory. Even if he forgot again and again, she would remember all their time together. It was selfish of her, as it offered no benefit to him. But she couldn't allow herself to lose him.
For that reason, she shouldn't have felt any regret as she dug her blade deep into his side. She had drawn her sword as quickly as possible before he could tell what was happening. The angle made it difficult, but she did her best to aim for his black box. His fingers gripped her back tighter and he let out a choking, pained whimper right next to her ear. Anxiety was starting to gnaw at her so she forced the sword even deeper, until the hilt was touching his skin. With something that should have been similar to relief, she felt his pulse suddenly stop. It's done...
The broken glass inside her finally shattered into a million pieces as she fell to her knees, no longer having the energy to stand. She was still holding Nines's body close to her, letting go of her sword to use both arms. His balance system had stopped working and now his full weight was being supported by her, his head still on her shoulder and arms touching the floor after going limp. His blood was still warm as it flowed out from his open wound, soaking her dress and snaking through the gaps in the cobblestone floor.
She was made for this. So why did it feel so wrong? She had decided this, she had come to the logical conclusion that this was the best possible course of action. So why did she feel so... broken?
2B clutched Nines desperately with all her strength — it would've probably hurt, had he still been able to feel it. Her body started shaking uncontrollably as, for the first time ever, tears that she didn't know she had flowed down her cheeks.