Life Goes On…
[A/N at the end of the story]
Thank you to AJ and 2D for the beta xo
The flowers died three weeks ago.
James watched as Lily blindly watered the withered stalks. Her shoulders were hunched and she had been watering the flowerpots by the kitchen window since dawn, despite the fact that every single one was lifeless. Her eyes were blank as she stared out the window, and James sighed at seeing his girlfriend so unhappy.
It had been nine months since they had received a letter in their mailbox about Lily's parents…
He had eagerly handed the heavy pink envelope to her with a grin; it was the first time they had ever received any letters to their flat in the muggle method. The smile that had been on her face had slipped off immediately after she began reading the letter from her sister. She had dropped the envelope and its contents with shaking hands and collapsed to the floor with an anguished sob.
Confused and startled, James had picked up the letter and his heart broke for his girlfriend as the words slowly settled into his mind and refused to dissolve.
…mum and dad are dead…murdered by YOUR kind…
He had picked her up and wrapped his arm around her waist, his heart beat erratically as Lily's sobs shook his own body and he guided her to their room; helping her to get ready for bed. Her breathing was shaky as he pulled the soft maroon duvet over her trembling body and kissed her head. When he closed the door, a muffled scream made his legs tremble and he gripped onto the banister of the stairs to stop himself from falling to his knees.
Two weeks later they apparated to Cokeworth with her friends, Remus, Sirius, and Peter, to attend her parent's funeral. It was the hottest day of the summer and James had felt feverish in his black suit as the sun bore down on them all. He had kept his arm around Lily's waist as the priest read a few passages from a book and said a few prayers.
Lily had been silent and detached until the priest invited her and her sister to say their final goodbyes to their parents. Vernon and James stood a few steps away from the girls and, despite the mutual dislike they had for one another, James knew that their conflict had to be put aside for the day; even if Vernon looked like a hairy mammoth in a suit.
Lily's pale hands shook as she placed them on the polished mahogany coffin. James looked on as she lay her forehead against the wood and muttered a few words, her chest heaving every few seconds as she tried to control her sobs. His fingers twitched and it took all his self control to stop himself from holding her hand and helping her as she weakly shuffled to the other coffin and repeated what she'd done before.
He had seen Lily cry and get emotional about the deaths and disappearances of people they knew; but this was an entirely different type of grief. This was the first time that he had seen her truly breakdown and he prayed that this would be the only time he'd see her so fragile and weak.
He had met the people who were lying peacefully in their coffins. They were honest, kind, and hardworking people who loved their daughters with every cell in their body. His throat felt thick as he thought of how unfair it all was. They didn't deserve to die. And yet, here they were underneath an old oak tree in the local cemetery, saying goodbye to them.
When she and Petunia had finished saying their goodbyes, they stood close to the caskets as their family and friends came up and said their own. Finally, after everyone had their turn to say goodbye, the priest said another prayer and two groups of men came and carried the coffins to each of their graves and began lowering them.
James had never attended a muggle funeral before and he watched in bewilderment as he funeral party threw bouquets of roses, tulips, peonies and other flowers atop the caskets; meanwhile he stood back and wished that he had thought to bring flowers.
The image of Lily and Petunia standing side by side as their parent's coffins were lowered into the ground, either side of them, would never leave James' mind. No matter how long he lived, or how many more funerals he attended – the sight would haunt him when he least expected it to. It would forever be a reminder of how unfair the world worked and how war didn't care about tearing families apart.
The luncheon afterwards had been a solemn affair as everyone mingled with one another and tried not to mention the people that had just been buried in the earth. The entire time, Petunia and Lily stayed near the freshly flattened graves and James yearned to do something to make the day easier.
It was nightfall when he and Lily apparated home. Again James helped her into bed and kissed her goodnight, this time he held her close and rubbed her back soothingly as she muttered that it was her fault her parents were dead.
Every word slashed at his heart and James was at a loss on how to make her understand that it wasn't her fault at all. He didn't know how long they lay there, entwined in one another's arms, until finally her body stopped wracking from her sobs and she fell asleep breathlessly. James' shirt was soaked with her tears and his damp cheeks rested against the top of her head.
A month after the funeral and after the initial shock of her parent's death had abided, James had been washing the plates as Lily stormed into the kitchen and shoved his shoulder violently. The plate that he had been holding clattered onto the floor and the screaming match had begun.
Her anger was irrational and he knew that she was probably just trying to deal with her grief by lashing out at him; her face turning red and a vein throbbing against her throat. He leaned against the counter silently, passively, as she speared all her frustration at him. She had called him lazy, rude, arrogant, disgusting and useless and all the while James had stared into her eyes and waited until her anger finally gave way to tears.
He had stepped towards her and dodged the punches she was aiming at him before he finally wrapped his arms around her and clung onto her as the warm glow of sunset dissipated into darkness outside their windows. Lily kicked at his shins, pounded against his chest and put all her body weight into trying to shove him away – and James took it because this is what Lily needed.
When her breathing had slowed and her fists were numb from keeping them clenched for such a long time, James let her go and held her hands; and she explained brokenly that she had received a letter from her sister that told her to leave them alone and to never bother her again when all of this had passed.
James wrapped both his arms around her as they lay in bed, ignoring the tingling sensation of his arm numbing from her weight and whispered how much he loved her. While she went to bed early, he stayed up for hours after her, feeling angry and anxious as he thought of how much this would hurt her tomorrow – she had already lost her parents, losing her sister would surely kill her with grief.
Three weeks after her outburst James retrieved another letter from their mailbox and handed it to Lily apprehensively. She had explained that it was from a muggle lawyer, and that this solicitor wanted her and Petunia to return to their childhood home so that the three of them could discuss the will that Rosemary and William Evans had left for their daughters.
They had a lengthy argument the night before about whether or not he should accompany her, an argument that Lily had won and James begrudgingly agreed to apparate with her to her house and stay in a nearby café until she came to fetch him afterwards.
James waited inside the small café on the corner of a busy street and tapped his fingers anxiously against the tabletop as he watched out of the window and looked down at his watch every few seconds. More than once he had sworn that he'd seen Severus Snape walking past and remembered that he lived in the area, but stowed the thought away and sipped his cold tea distractedly.
Three hours later Lily walked through the threshold of the café and joined him at the rickety table by the window. Her eyes, which seemed to be eternally bloodshot since the funeral, were tired and she took James' tea from him and sipped it absentmindedly. James looked at his girlfriend wistfully as she drank the cold tea and remembered the times she had scolded him for giving her lukewarm tea and demanding another. He would give anything to have her nagging him again.
Her voice was hoarse as she explained what had happened during her and Petunia's meeting with the executor of their parent's will and James held her hand delicately as her voice became shaky and a tear slipped onto the table. She regained her composure and explained that the florist shop and house would be put up on the market as soon as they could clean them both out; they had both agreed to split their parent's savings and would be back in a week to clear the house and clean the shop together.
He remembered apparating home and cooking dinner for them both. Sirius and Remus arrived uninvited with two pints of ice-cream and a shop-bought cake. The four of them had settled into the living room and he and his friends played board games; all the while James glanced over at Lily every few minutes and despaired as she stared blankly at her hands and paid no mind to any of them.
Sirius and Remus had both hugged Lily tight and kissed her cheeks before saying their goodbyes. A sharp pop cracked outside their door and James took her hand in his as they morosely changed into their pyjamas, got into the sheets and turned the lights off. James set his glasses down and was about to hold her to him but was dejected as he was met with the back of her head. Defeated and tired he sighed softly and, this time, it was his turn to cry himself to sleep.
A few days after Lily had met with the muggle lawyer, James had jumped up from his nap and rushed to the door as Lily shouted for him to help her with something. When he opened the front door to their flat he was bemused at the number of boxes that were gathered at Lily's feet.
For the first time in a while her cheeks were flushed and her eyes bright as he helped her carry the boxes from the landing to their living room and after the small space was filled with identical moving boxes, Lily and James exhaled together and slouched onto the couch.
Since Sirius and Remus had visited, Lily had at least made more of an effort to engage in conversation with James. The conversations that they had, in-between James flitting in and out of their flat for Order missions, were short and polite and skin crawled every time they spoke.
The Lily that he was living with was not his Lily. This new Lily was far too polite, far too passive, and was the antithesis of the Lily that he had fallen in love with.
He knew that she was still grieving and, for close to three months, he had stayed out of her space and let her cope with the grief in her own way. But lately he had let his own frustration at the world manifest itself into resentment towards the woman that he loved. War was a weary business and loss made it so much worse.
While Lily had been grieving the loss of her parents, James too had been grieving for the loss of his girlfriend and partner. She would leave the bed earlier than him and after he heard the shower in their ensuite running he would roll over and stare at the ceiling, thinking about the odd limbo that were their lives now.
Lily was here, and he was grateful for that, but at the same time she was nothing more than a ghost. Halfway between two worlds and never really being present in either.
James had snapped out of his thoughts as Lily urged him to unpack the boxes with her and they had unwrapped every item slowly. Every now and then she would tell stories behind photos of her family and little trinkets that her parents had kept.
As she explained the story behind a chipped vase, James felt his heart beating furiously against his chest and he couldn't keep stop himself from smiling every time her knees nudged his. His Lily was coming back, slowly yes, but she was coming back. He loved hearing her anecdotes and the mundaneness of unpacking boxes was the most fun he'd had in a while; all because he was doing it with her.
Long after the sun had disappeared, James collected all the boxes and wrappings and descended the three flights of stairs to throw them out onto the street for the rubbish men to collect in the morning. When he entered their flat, most of the lights were on and he flicked the lights off before padding into their room and changed into his pyjamas; the shower was still running as he slipped into bed, turned his light off, and tried to fall asleep.
He was aware of Lily changing and slipping into bed, the lights clicking off and her shuffling over to her side of the mattress. She whispered an apology into the darkness and James kept still as she pressed a soft kiss on the side of his head. It was the first time she had initiated physical contact with him since her parents' funeral. Her apology and kiss replayed in his mind as he lay awake that night and wondered what it meant. His feelings were muddled and sleep only came to him as the first rays of sunlight streamed through their curtains.
James ignored the uncomfortable tightness of his chest as he watched her water another flowerpot absentmindedly, and walked into the kitchen until he was standing a few paces behind Lily.
"Morning love," James grinned at his surprised girlfriend and kissed her cheek softly as she set the pitcher of water down onto the counter and offered him a small smile. She glanced back at the flowerpots and frowned before facing him again.
"Watering them won't bring them back will it?" James' heart skipped a beat as she smiled and he felt a tentative happiness seep into his heart. It had been nine whole months since she had given him a genuine smile, and even though it was a small one, James felt like he could jump with joy as hope returned and reinvigorated his body.
Five moons had passed since Lily returned from her trip to her parent's house and returned with the boxes that they had spent half a day unpacking; and since that day, Lily's general mood and disposition had improved with each week.
The Lily that he knew and fallen in love with had slowly resurfaced in the little things that she did like fixing his hair when it got into his eyes, humming as she showered, or biting her lip as she brushed her hair before bed. She had recently begun cracking little jokes and making snide comments every now and then. The palpable heaviness that had settled into their lives was clearing gradually and James felt like he could breathe easier as time passed.
Last week she had made them both breakfast and tea. On the same day, she had also gone out to do a bit of shopping and had come home with two bags of food and a bouquet of flowers that she placed in her a long purple vase that had belonged to her parents. It was the first time she had left their flat without him and James had tried to act nonchalant, when really he wanted to gather her in his arms and tell him how proud he was of her.
A hand waved in front of his eyes and his eyes focused on Lily's emerald ones as she arched one of her eyebrows at him.
"I think we should go get some new seedlings later," she smiled at him again, this time he noticed that her eyes lit up as she did, before she retrieved a box from their cupboard and placed the flowerpots in it. She glanced at the flowers sadly and James felt guilty – he should have remembered to water them; it was his fault that Rosemary's plants were dead. He'd make it up to her later, he'd spend all his money on seedlings if that made her happy.
"Alright, yeah. We can head out after breakfast," James had a strange feeling that wanting to buy new seedlings signified something more than Lily wanting to get into gardening.
"Great, I'll make tea."
James nodded and prepared a plate of scones, jam and clotted cream with a flick of his wand and floated them to the table. He followed Lily's movements as she placed the teabags into their cups and levitated it to their places on the table, the sugar and milk following her as she sat down opposite him.
James noted that Lily didn't look withdrawn or sad. Rather, she looked quite content as she spread jam on both halves of her scone and dolloped clotted cream on top. James followed suit and Lily snorted as he chewed on a mouthful of scone.
He arched his eyebrow at her and she smiled before she leaned forward wordlessly and wiped the side of his mouth with her thumb and licking the cream off her finger.
"Thanks."
"Don't worry about it."
James quickly finished his tea and scones and quickly skimmed the front page of the Prophet until Lily cleared her throat and he looked up quizzically.
"Are you alright?"
"Yeah…I just…I don't know how to say this, I'm rubbish at talking about my feelings." She rested her hands on the table and nervously rubbed her thumb against her left wrist as she took a few deep breaths.
"You don't have to say anything love," and truly, James meant it.
Before, he would have loved an apology or an explanation for her behaviour but in the few months of regaining their normal rhythm, James had come to an understanding about exactly what his girlfriend was going through when he had taken a moment to imagine what it'd be like if both of his parents were murdered.
The thought and the feelings that surfaced hadn't been pleasant and he realised that Lily hadn't needed him to pity her for the past five months. If he had been the one to go through what she had, he wouldn't want pity. Seeing that look in people's faces would just anger him, drive him wild with rage and resentment. If people walked around on eggshells around him because they were scared that he was too fragile from grief, it would make him unbelievably bitter. If he had gone through what Lily had, pity wouldn't help him work through the pain.
And with a startled realisation, James knew that he had failed the beautiful girl sitting opposite him. Failed her so catastrophically by treating her like some fragile thing that needed to be shielded and pitied.
"Lily, don't…," Lily furrowed her eyebrows in confusion and she stared at him critically before shrugging and allowing him to continue. "I've been a total idiot!"
"What?"
"Me, I've been an idiot," James felt dreadful as he remembered the countless times that he had pitied her and shouldn't have. It must have driven her mad! "I shouldn't have, I didn't understand, I'm sorry that I felt sorry for you Lil."
Lily stared at him blankly and James went over his words in his head before groaning and running his hands through his hair nervously.
"What I mean is that I've been treating you like you're going to spontaneously combust with grief at any second."
"I don't follow…"
"Bear with me," he stepped around the table until he was leaning sideways next to her. "You've felt like shite since your parents died, haven't you?" at this she nodded sceptically. "You've felt like nobody really understands what you're going through right?" she nodded again. "Well has anyone ever really asked what you're feeling?"
Lily's eyebrows furrowed even lower and she looked down at her hands reflectively before she finally looked back up at him confused, "No…"
James ignored the feeling of guilt in his chest and grabbed her hands, pulling her up to her feet in front of him.
"I've failed monumentally, and don't even think about denying it. I'm really sorry for that Lily. Here we've all been, worrying about you and praying that you'll be alright, when really none of us have even bothered to ask you what you're feeling and what you need. We've been walking around thinking about what's best for you, treating you like something that's easily broken when you aren't. I just mean that, you're not fragile, you're bloody strong actually - and I'm an idiot for treating you like you are...fragile I mean."
James waited for a reaction from her, a slap maybe or a scream of rage. Instead, Lily grinned at him and pulled her hands away from him and placing them on either side of his face.
"James there's a fine line between pity and sympathy. You were just being sympathetic," she kissed his cheek and he felt her lips curve upwards against his skin. "Besides, everything always makes more sense in hindsight, and I think you handled all of this the best you could. I never felt like you were treating me the way you think you did," James opened his mouth and she placed her palm over his mouth. "I mean it, I never felt like you did. I hated being around everyone else because they would look at me like I would collapse without any warning. You never looked at me like that James.
"You're the most empathetic person I've ever met, and I'm really grateful to have you. Thank you for everything, for understanding everything I've been going through. I know it's been pretty shite and just, I need you to know that I couldn't have gone through it all without you, alright?"
She pried her hand away from his mouth and her eyes were watery with unshed tears as he impulsively hugged her tight. Her hands gripped onto the back of his pyjama shirt and his dug into her waist as they embraced one another fiercely, relishing in the warmth that they received from each other and whispering their devotions of love in each other's ears.
"What happens now?" Lily muttered as she pulled her face away from his shoulder.
What happens now indeed. The possibilities were endless as James stared into Lily's luminescent emerald green eyes that stared back at him. Her cheeks were flushed and her freckles stood out against her pale complexion. Her hair had gotten so long and James snuck his hands onto the sides of her face, finding solace in her warmth and the smile, and dimple, that radiantly lit up her face.
He had waited too long for her to look at him the way she was now and the dormant fire in his belly flamed alive as she placed her palms on his forearms. This is the Lily he had fallen in love. This beautiful, fiery, confident girl was the one that he knew best.
"Well... after I kiss you, I suppose life goes on…"
Finally, after five months of a heavy weight pressing against his chest, James felt light as Lily's hands gripped onto his hair and her lips latched onto his as they clung to one another desperately and kissed like people who had all the time in the world.
Author's Note
Word Count: 4,096 (excluding A/N)
Written for the Houses Competition
House/Year: Ravenclaw, sixth year
Category: Themed
Prompt: First Line, The flowers died three weeks ago
365 Prompts Challenge (HSWW [C&A])
299. Style - Flashback
I hope you all enjoyed this story x
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Until next time, Andy x