Disclaimer: I do not, and will probably never own Saiyuki. It's way too good to be mine! Besides if I did own it there'd be a LOT more of Sanzo without his robes on.
Author's Note: Hey, this is my first Saiyuki although I've done countless other fics I've never gotten around to this one, until now! Just to let you people who read my other stories know, I'm working on the next chapter of Deceptions of the Heart (Inu Yasha), Rose Scented Love (YYH) and The Randomness of Love (YYH). Don't fear, I'm trying to get a lot of done before school starts and I have lots of new inspiration! Anyway about the story, much angst, romance and maybe some lemon scenes at the end. Don't know exactly how long this one will be though. Although I love Sanzo very much my favorite Saiyuki pair has to be Gojyo and Hakkai. (don't know why though)
Warnings: Excessive swearing, violence, sexual situations (yaoi --boyxboy love--)
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Hold Me When It Rains
by: Neko-Kyolover
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There are times I looked into your eyes, and all I could see was despair. Those times scared me the most and I thought that I would be swept away by your sadness, unable to hold onto you anymore.
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Gojyo lit another one of his cigarettes and breathed in deep, letting the nicotine flood into his body in a rush. Man, did that feel good after a long hard day. The red-haired water sprite sat down on the small bed in the hotel room that he was renting for the night his cigarette hanging on the edge of his lip as he pondered. They had all managed to find a decent inn that had four open rooms so they wouldn't have to share as it usually happened and he had plenty of privacy and silence that he usually didn't.
Everyone seemed in a funk today…even more than usual. Sanzo had been especially pissed, Goku especially annoying, and Hakkai unusually depressed. Not that Hakkai was the type to show it, but Gojyo had known his best friend long enough to know when something was troubling him. There were unsettling feelings racing through their little band of misfits and Gojyo just couldn't wait until the whole damn thing blew over. Everyone had been very tense and jumpy lately and it resulted in a lot of bickering and fights (not that he hadn't been in his fair share of them of course). The reason being they hadn't run into any demons or obstacles lately and it put them all on edge just waiting for Kougaiji's next attack.
Gojyo stood abruptly from his seat taking another deep drag and walking to window where he stared out into the darkness of the little city. There was a light patter on the glass and Gojyo winced as he saw the rain begin to fall from the dampened sky. It wasn't that the rain bothered him, but he knew what kind of affect it had on Hakkai. He knew that Hakkai could take care of himself, but that didn't stop Gojyo from worrying. He pondered restlessly whether or not he should go and check on Hakkai, but then he realized there really wasn't in use in it anyway. Hakkai would just smile and shake it off like he always does pretending that it was nothing.
"Damn it. Doesn't he know I'll listen to him? He doesn't have to hide it." Gojyo said angrily to himself as he watched his faint reflection in the glass, smoke curling up around his fuming silhouette.
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"There it is again...that rain..." Hakkai murmured softly to himself, pressing one hand long on the cold window pane.
'The rain is drumming louder and louder. I just want it all to end. For this night to end. Someone kill me. I can hear her voice back to me. My scars can't fade away. I don't think I'll ever be able to forget her memory which stands so vividly...scarred in my mind'
"Gonou...I can't...It's too late for me...That monster's child grows inside of me....I'm sorry....goodbye....Gonou..."
"Get out! ...Out of my mind!" Hakkai chanted to himself as he beat his fist on the wall. His brown hair hung over his haunted eyes as he tried to erase the vision of her bloodied body on the ground. He would have loved her, no matter whose child she had, he would have loved her all the same and nothing could change that.
Hakkai slowly stood straight his eyes burning with sorrow and regret. If only he had been able to do something...anything at all just to stop her, but no...he had just stood there and watched...watched as she threw her life away...just because she probably thought he wouldn't love her if she carried someone else's child.
"Kanan…" His voice whispered desperately and he clenched his eyes shut as that memory of her face came to him once again, tears streaming down her beautiful cheeks, that knife...his knife in her hand. He would never forget that night. Never in a hundred years or more. Never would he forget the night he lost his love and became a demon by bathing in the blood of so many.
"Oh Gonou...Neither of us will ever be alone again..."
"You're wrong, Kanan...You were wrong...and all because of me..." Hakkai's haunted whispers echoed through his dark room. Without a second thought Hakkai turned to the doorway and made his way quickly into the hall and out into the pouring rain.
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Hakkai wasn't the only one having a hard time in the rain tonight. Sanzo also found himself unable to sleep, tossing back and forth in the covers of his bed, golden hair disheveled and violet eyes burning. He sat up in his bed the white sheets pooling around his midriff. He felt sweaty and dirty, his tight black shirt clinging irritatingly to his skin.
A creak from the door way brought his attention over to the pair of golden eyes peering curiously at him. "Sanzo?" Goku's voice questioned hesitantly.
"Damn saru, what do you want?" Sanzo asked angrily, flopping back down onto the bed and turning to ignore the boy.
Goku pouted, but was used to the priests behavior. "I heard you from the other room." He said and Sanzo could hear the concern in his voice. That only irritated him more.
"Go back to bed." He said firmly and he closed his eyes determined to ignore the boy. He heard the door close softly and footsteps and he relaxed thinking that Goku had gone, but that was disproved as he felt hands tangle in his golden hair.
"Damn it, didn't I tell you to go to bed!" Sanzo said snapping his eyes open to see that Goku was right in his face.
"I wanna make sure you're all right." Goku said, blushing a little, but the little saru was determined to make sure that his sun was happy...well...happy as he usually was.
Sanzo found himself lost for a moment in those molten gold eyes that were filled with such concern for him and he caught his breath only to realize what he was doing. Quickly Sanzo covered his blush by smacking the brown haired boy on the head with his paper fan.
"Ow ow ow! Sanzo! What the fuck was that for!?" Goku exclaimed as he nursed his injured head.
"For keeping me up. Now got to bed before I have to shoot you." Sanzo warned.
Goku pouted again, but he really doubted that it was an empty threat. With a sigh the disappointed saru left the room, slowly shutting the door behind him.
In truth....Sanzo was sort of sad to have him gone...
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Gojyo still found himself transfixed by the window, even though a chill was growing on his uncovered arms. He hadn't yet changed into his sleepwear and he still wore his normal blue jacket vest and white shirt underneath.
His eyes scanned over the darkness outside, the empty street only illuminated from one single light coming from one of the nearby 24 hour stores. Not that anyone would likely be out at this hour, or so Gojyo thought. Now that he looked harder he could see someone moving down there. It was a little blurry from the pouring rain, but he could defiantly distinguish a figure. Who would be out here now?
The figure walked closer to the lighted area and Gojyo was able to make out his features. Short brown hair, green shirt with a pink sash across the front. Gojyo started when he realized who it was. Hakkai! But what would Hakkai be doing out in the rain at this time? It was sure to be freezing out. What was he thinking?
Gojyo instantly snapped out of his reverie and headed for the door. He could have just been seeing things right? Better check Hakkai's room first. Gojyo headed quickly down the hallway and to the doorway hoping that he would see his friend still in his bed. Before he even turned the doorknob he already knew the answer and sure enough Hakkai wasn't there.
"Damn, Hakkai, what are you doing?" Gojyo asked the empty room before turning and walking out the door and into the pouring rain after his friend.
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Hakkai knew that the slick rain was pouring down his sides, soaking through his thin clothing and causing it to stick uncomfortably to his skin. He knew that he was getting chilled and that shivers were beginning to rack his body. Hakkai knew all this, but he didn't feel any of it. He was numb, numb inside and out and he didn't much care what happened to him right now.
His feet were dragging through the soggy mud of the road layering his boots and the bottom of his pants in its squelchy substance, but he paid no heed to it. His mind could only focus on one thing.
"Kanan....Kanan..." He whispered quietly as he was surrounded by the thing he hated most above all. Rain. Rain pouring, rain drumming, endless pouring, streaming rain that would not go away, that would not leave his soul alone.
"I...I just want to be left alone!" He screamed at the sky knowing it would do no good, but he couldn't help himself. It was driving him crazy.
He began to run, faster and harder, his lungs heaving wildly and his heart racing trying to keep up with the speed. He ran through the mud, the rain, the endless streets all disappeared behind him in the silhouettes of darkness that he was lost in. Hakkai had no clue where he was going or even in what direction he just couldn't stand to be in the rain anymore. He just needed to find somewhere away from the hated substance...even if that meant if he had to run all night just to escape the clouds.
Finally his body gave out, though not his heart, as he collapsed to the sodden ground in a nearby forest. He had no clue where he was, but it was little better here under the trees. He could still hear the drumming against the leaves, against the branches and the ground and the rocks. It looked like wherever he went today the rain was insistent to follow. Giving up he collapsed under a tree and curled up against the bark, his hands covering his ears in a desperate attempt to rid him of the noise.
Hakkai felt himself growing weak and his eyes began to water. He didn't want to cry, but he knew that he couldn't hold it back anymore. These emotions would not be hidden behind a fake smile, they just couldn't. They were too strong.
Inside Hakkai wanted to feel weak. He wanted someone to be there to hold him and say everything was all right. For once Hakkai didn't want to be strong. Even though he knew they would worry, he wanted someone to be there. He had been so cold inside for so long and he was tired of it, this endless battle in which he could never win, only postpone the inevitable. Hakkai was going to break, he was going to fall apart and their was nothing he could do about it. Hakkai smiled sorrowfully as he suddenly realized...that time was now.
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Now it was Goku's turn to toss and turn in bed. He had thought he had heard someone else moving around out in the hallway, but when he had gotten up to check there had been no one there.
"Maybe I'm paranoid." Goku whispered to himself as he curled up tighter against the sheets. He was worried about Sanzo. He could hear the monk tossing in his bedroom and Goku knew there was something wrong with him even if he wasn't going to tell Goku.
Goku sighed and buried his face into his pillow. He really cared a lot for Sanzo, even if he did abuse him with that damn paper fan. Why was Sanzo always so cruel to him? Even as he wondered that he knew it really wasn't true. There were those odd moments, when Sanzo would simply ruffled his hands through Goku's brown locks and an peculiar almost smile would appear on his lips as though he really was amused, but he didn't want to show it. That was what Goku lived for, moments like that...moments that he would remember late into the night recalling the feeling of Sanzo's gentle fingers on his scalp, touching his skin. Just thinking about it now made Goku shiver with unknown feelings.
Maybe he would go talk to Hakkai. Hakkai could probably help him and wouldn't be mad about be roused in the middle of the night. Goku felt himself fill with hope. Yeah, he would just go talk to Hakkai about it. He probably would have an answer for him!
Goku untangled his limbs from the sheet and bounced out into the hallway and down to Hakkai's door.
"Hakkai?" Goku whispered as he opened the door and looked inside. Much to his surprise the room was empty, no figure in the bed or by the windowsill...nothing. 'That's odd' Goku thought. Maybe he was in Gojyo's room? Goku jumped next door and quickly opened the door only to find that it was empty too. Where were Hakkai and Gojyo? It wasn't like them to both disappear in the middle of the night, especially when it was raining so heavily outside.
"Sanzo! Sanzo!" Goku cried as he scrambled to the monk's room and burst in through the door.
"What the fuck?!" Sanzo exclaimed shooting out of bed as the hysterical saru exploded into his room.
"Gojyo and Hakkai are missing!"
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"Shit. I can't see a thing in this rain" Gojyo cursed as he ran down the slick streets in search of his friend. "Hakkai you better be ok." Gojyo threatened, but inside he was feeling a sense of dread. Hakkai was the type of person to take his pain out on himself and try to keep it from everyone else. Gojyo knew his best friend like the back of his hand and he knew that Hakkai must be pretty upset to have left the dry sanctuary of the inn for the rain outside.
Just please let him be ok.
Gojyo wiped his wet hair out his face as he took the road down and out of the city. He was somewhat skeptical that Hakkai had gone this far, but he had searched the entire city and he could find him nowhere. Of course he could have overlooked somewhere, but something in his heart was telling him to go.
Why did Hakkai have to be like that, so self hurting, so masochistic? Why did he keep it all bottled inside like that? It was just going to hurt himself more when it finally all came out. Why did he always hide behind that damn smile, that smile that was obviously so fake and hiding so much sorrow? Gojyo wanted so badly to be the one Hakkai would open up to, he wanted to be the one to comfort him and tell him everything was going to be all right. He wanted to be there for Hakkai, but Hakkai wouldn't let him. Gojyo felt kind of hurt by this, but he tried to remember it was just Hakkai's nature to seek help from no one, but always give help to others.
Gojyo smiled even as he shivered from cold. There were some things that you just couldn't change about Hakkai or else he wouldn't be....Hakkai. Sometimes it was those little things, those little annoying facts that made Gojyo care so much about him. It was then he realized that he would do anything for his friend....no not friend....maybe...something more...
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"Damn it, the rains too thick. We're not going to find anything in this weather." Sanzo swore as he and Goku both hurried through the rain.
"Sanzo! I'm all wet!" Goku complained as he raced to keep up with Sanzo's pace.
"It's your own fault. You're the one who came into my room too worried to get your ass back into bed." Sanzo said frustrated. He wasn't exactly worried about Hakkai and Gojyo were doing out in the rain. In his mind they could do whatever the fuck they want, but Goku had been practically pulling his hair out at the thought that they might...keyword might be in trouble. The damn brat could be so exasperating sometimes.
Sanzo glanced down at the boy at his side. He actually looked quite stunning in the rain, his chestnut hair plastered around his round cheeks, those golden eyes smoldering and drops of moisture hanging luxuriously on his skin and on his moistened lips. Not to mention that his thin clothes he used to sleep in were sticking to his body showing every muscle and curve in his body. Suddenly Sanzo realized where his thoughts were headed and he snapped his head forward in annoyance. Just as soon as he found Hakkai and Gojyo he could back and get himself a goodnight's sleep. Little did he know that right now someone else was thinking strange thoughts about him too.
Goku couldn't help but let his eyes flicker up to Sanzo's water drenched form in admiration. He looked like an angel with the light from the streets reflecting on his wet golden hair, casting a glowing radiance around him. And his eyes, his beautiful violet eyes glowing with such passion and serenity. And did he just see Sanzo glancing down at him with a strange expression? Goku shook his head and went back to mindlessly following the monk still in total admiration.
Finally Goku was able to shake those thoughts from his head as he remembered the reason that they were out here in the freezing cold rain. "What do you think they may have been doing?" Goku asked as they finally reached the outskirts of the town with no results and kept on heading down to the forest just on the horizon.
Sanzo looked thoughtful for a moment before answering. "I heard them leave separately. Hakkai first and then Gojyo...It may...have something to do with..."
Goku looked up at him curiously when he didn't answer. "with what?"
Sanzo brushed his golden bangs from his face and frowned deeply. "...the rain..." he mumbled mostly to himself.
"With the rain? What about the rain?" Goku asked again, not quite getting it. He knew that the rain brought back memories for Sanzo, but he hadn't known that it affected Hakkai. Then again he had never really much concentrated on Hakkai. It seemed he was always more concerned for Sanzo although he did care for Hakkai, but it seemed that Sanzo was always special in his eyes. Could this have something to do with the woman he had been in love with before. What had been her name? Ah yeah, it was Kanan.
"You think...they're all right?" Goku asked in a tiny whisper, fear penetrating his voice.
Sanzo's eyes darkened as he felt Goku's worry gradually manifest into his own heart. "What do you mean? What the hell could happen to them? They're just idiots. They're be fine." Sanzo reassured Goku, but somehow he was really just trying to reassure himself.
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To Be Continued....
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Tell me what you think, k? Any feedback is appreciated. I like to know what people other than my friends think of my work. (They never make the best critics. They always wanna say its good no matter what!) Anything you don't understand or any questions please ask! Well then until next time, ja ne!
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