WHEN YOU FALL: INDECISION
Sometimes you wake up
Sometimes the fall kills you.
And sometimes, when you fall, you fly.
- Fables & Reflections
As he stepped inside the old and shabby house of number twelve, reality seemed to hit him hard on the chest. For two months being suffocated and scrutinized by the Dursley's, he had longed for a good break from them. When he received two owls one from Mrs. Weasley and then another one from Professor Lupin inviting him to stay at Grimmauld Place for the rest of the summer, he happily replied back saying that he would love to. Now, looking at the dark hallway and the crooked portraits hanging on the walls, he reconsidered. He didn't want to remember his Godfather. He tried not to think about him and where he could be as of this moment. He did not like to think of him as dead. And being in this house, brought back memories of Sirius, which haunted him until now. Hollow eyes. Black hair. There was a gentle tap on his shoulder, which made him jump. He totally forgot about Professor Lupin, who was standing just beside him in silence. There was another reason why he was reconsidering to stay instead with the Dursleys. Over the summer, he had been thinking a lot about Hogwarts, Hermione, Ron, Cho...
He remembered the time when Cho and him were in the Room of Requirement and well... Strangely enough, he did not feel anything from the kiss they shared. No sparks. No chemistry. Nothing. He also reflected on the various people he met ever since that strange day long ago when Hagrid brought him his Hogwarts letter. Besides Hermione and Ron, the person he felt closest with was Hagrid and of course Professor Lupin. Now he knew, this was an opportunity for him to ask Professor Lupin about what was really bothering him. But being this close to him made him in truth, afraid.
"Shall we go to the hall Harry? You may leave your things here. I'm sure Kreacher will take care of them,"
Kreacher.
Harry almost forgot he existed. But the mere mention of the old elf brought feelings of hate and disgust for that old bat. He wasn't to be fully blamed of course. But still, it was also partly his fault as to why he wasn't here right now.
"Are you sure?" Harry asked suspiciously in a dark tone. He didn't even recognize his voice anymore. He had barely spoken to the Dursleys, just when he only needed to. He had spent most of his time at number four Privet Drive in his room, thinking and contemplating, haunted by dreams of archways, dark halls and creatures.
"It's alright, Harry. Just leave it," Professor Lupin's voice was soft yet stern. He placed a hand on his shoulder, and as if uncertain, removed it right away.
Harry dropped his trunk, Hedwig and broom unceremoniously to the ground and followed Professor Lupin to the door at the end of the hall. That was when Harry realized that the room they were heading to was in fact where Order meetings were usually held. But it seemed, today, there was no meeting. And Harry saw no reason why Professor Lupin and the other Order members, much less Mrs. Weasley, would want him to start attending Order meetings all of a sudden.
Upon entering the room, Harry spotted a long rectangular table at the center. It was covered with a dark velvet cloth. About eight to ten chairs were placed around it. Professor Lupin left his side to light the candelabras situated on the walls with his wand.
"There, all done. Sorry, about this we have to stay here for a few hours or so. We can't go upstairs yet, since a major cleaning service was done, and I'm afraid Molly wouldn't like it if we dirty it up right away. The only accessible areas right now are the rooms on the ground floor and the kitchen. And this is the only room I can think of where we can kill some time," Professor Lupin's voice seemed to trail off.
The candles flickering in the room allowed Harry to notice his previous Defense Against the Dark Arts professor's heavy eye bags, and the numerous gray strands on his shoulder length hair. Also, he looked like he hadn't shaved for sometime.
"Is everything alright Professor?"
"I have not been your Professor for sometime. Just call me Remus. And yes, everything's okay," Remus told him not unkindly.
Somehow, Harry doubted that he was 'just okay'.
"How about you? How has your summer been?" Remus asked him.
Harry remained silent not wanting to think about the numerous times Uncle Vernon scolded him for something that was not his fault, while he minded his own business, lying all day in his room, also thinking about how he was going to approach Professor--Remus about this thing.
There was a moment of silence, when after awhile Remus softly cursed.
"Oh, you don't have to answer that Harry. Pretty dumb of me to ask that question,"
"No, no. It's okay, Remus. My summer was as I have expected," Harry said. He shivered inwardly at calling him Remus.
There was an awkward silence wherein both of them remained standing.
Remus cleared his throat.
"Shall we sit down Harry?" Remus pulled back a chair and sat down
"Sure," Harry said uncomfortably, and grabbed a chair right next to Remus.
There was silence again. And Harry thought this was it. This was the perfect time to tell him, when no one was around.
But here? Of all places? I expected more from you!
Shut up! Harry told the voice in his head.
Well if you're going to tell him. I suggest you do it right away. Or are you a coward?
I'm not a coward. I'm just waiting.
Coward, coward, coward, the voice chanted.
I'm not!
COWARD!!
"I said, SHUT UP!" Harry cried out, and then blushed when Remus turned to look at him.
"I...um...sorry," he told Remus.
"Are you sure you're alright Harry?" Remus asked him. There was concern written all over his face.
Harry looked at him, and couldn't help himself in admiring how beautiful his eyes looked, even though he knew it was tainted with pain and loss.
He took a deep breath. He glanced down at the tabletop.
"I have to tell you something...err...Remus, "
Remus must have notice the shift in Harry's voice because he had placed his hand gently on Harry's shoulder for support.
"Okay. You know you can tell me anything. I'm here to listen," Harry shivered again and gathered enough courage to look at him in the eye. What he saw in Remus' eyes was something he did not expect. That look of something gave him the strength to tell him what was bothering him.
"Do you think it's possible to care for someone dearly even though that someone is older and of the same err... preference?"
There I said it. There's no turning back now.
The hand on his shoulder tightened, the owner's face unreadable.
"I don't really see anything wrong with that. My preference also is somehow similar to you. Wait, are you telling me that you like men over women, Harry? "
"Maybe...I guess so. I think I prefer older wo...men I mean. I have had experience with a girl once. It was, weird at first. But then I realized that there was nothing to the kiss. On the other hand, I haven't had any experience with ...men yet...and well, I was wondering…, "
"What do you want Harry?" Remus cut him his voice was suddenly croaky.
Harry took a deep breath.
"I was wondering if...if...," Oh hell, Harry thought. "I was hoping I could try kissing you. I mean, just to see if there is any difference...there won't be any meaning to it. It's just an experiment. I didn't know who else I could approach. I mean, Ron wouldn't take it too kindly and well," Harry's voice trailed off. He did not want to look at Remus at all.
Remus stared dumbfounded at Harry's bowed head.
"I'm afraid, I can't do that to you Harry. Sorry."
"Okay...I, uh...understand," Harry said quietly. He stood up from his chair abruptly and was about to leave the room, when he heard Remus' words.
"Maybe you should unpack now. Your room is just three doors down...I'm sorry Harry,"
Harry could not sleep that night. He kept turning and shifting in his bed restlessly, his thoughts kept remembering what happened earlier that day. After his conversation with Remus, he went straight to his room to unpack. And ended up lying in his bed, contemplating yet again. He somehow ended up sleeping. Now, sitting up, fully awake, from restlessness, he thought of what a fool he had been in even asking Remus such a thing.
It was a good thing he didn't tell him, that he was referring to Remus...
There was a knock at the door and somehow Harry had a gut feeling who it was.
He was right.
"Hi, Harry. Can we talk?"
Harry just shrugged.
Remus approached him and hesitantly sat on the stool beside the bed.
"I just thought about what you said earlier... and I reconsidered..."
Harry snapped his head up and stared dumbfounded at Remus.
"You...you're actually going to do what I asked? I know it was rash of me. You don't have to. I was just being stupid as usual, " Harry told him.
"No, no...I think I understand...you're feeling all kinds of things right now, especially since you've been through a lot these past few months...I want to you to be happy for once. "
And with this, he leaned in close.
Harry froze as he saw Remus slowly closing in on him.
He wanted this right? He knew he did. This was what he was waiting for. But...
Harry shut his eyes, hearing only the slight movement in the bed as Remus sat on the side of the bed right beside him. His breathing became more erratic and loud to his ears. A hand rested upon his shoulder. And Harry couldn't help but gulp. It was about to happen, any time now, any time. Right then, Harry decided to stop thinking and just let the moment happen. Warm lips caressed his own and Harry felt that he was in heaven. Here he was with Remus kissing him on a bed. He could not help but kiss him back. Harry gasped after awhile when he felt a tongue on his lips. His mouth parted and he and Remus explored each other's tongues. Remus made a sound at the back of his throat and pushed Harry back on the bed. Remus was on top of Harry now, with no plans of stopping. He was now kissing and suckling Harry's neck and trailing downwards. It just felt so good and so hot to be kissing Remus. It felt right too.
"Remus," Harry moaned, wrapping his legs around Remus' hips.
"Oh Merlin," Remus moaned back as he noticed the sudden heat between them.
"Don't stop...please?" Harry cried. As he arched back his neck.
"We...we can't, " Remus said with the little common sense he had left. He separated from a hot and flushed Harry. He wouldn't have been surprised himself if he looked a bit flushed as well.
He stood by the bed, and stared longingly at Harry who was still lying on the bed breathing fast.
"Why did you stop?" Harry asked.
"Experiment's over," Remus told him quietly, although in his mind it was far from over.
"What?? But...I thought you liked it. You...you were wonderful. Oh gods, Remus! I've been dreaming of this so many times this summer. I want you so much," Harry finally said. His hand slowly trailed down.
Remus froze as he heard this, trying to stop the images of Harry lying naked at night touching himself and crying out his name.
"No. Harry. Stop this. We can't! This is wrong!" His eyes trailed down to where Harry's hand was situated.
"I...please...after Sirius died. I wanted so much to be with someone. I need you please?" With his other hand, he raised it and offered it Remus.
Remus shuddered and stepped back slowly, not looking anymore at Harry.
"Please--," he seemed to have heard a moan coming from the bed and Remus couldn't help but look at the body lying on it, whose arms were still outstretched.
"Please," Harry whimpered, face driven by desire that Remus could not help but gasp.
"This is wrong, Harry, " Remus shook his head, "I should not have encouraged this. Please, I ask you not to tell anyone about this...for our sakes, "
"But--," Harry sputtered.
"No," Remus said firmly, finally having the courage to stand up.
"I'm afraid, that this will be the last time we will talk about this," Remus told him not unkindly, and with that he walked towards the door, opened it and closed it again, never looking back.
"Harry! Wake up! We're going to be late for Defense Against the Dark Arts and it's only the first day!"
"Mmmphhh...go ahead," Harry grumbled in his sheets and further covered himself.
"Harry!" Ron cried exasperatedly.
"I said go ahead. I'll follow, "Harry mumbled.
Ron got hold of Harry's bed sheets and then pulled.
"Hey! What gives?" Harry finally stood up when he felt a sudden draft on his legs.
Ron gave him a withering stare.
"Okay, okay. I'm up. I swear, you're starting to sound like Hermione, " Harry told him.
At least Ron had the decency to blush.
When they arrived at the Defense Against the Dark Arts classroom, they only had a few minutes to spare. Hermione was already seated beside Neville. She, like the rest of the sixth year Gryffindors, was eagerly waiting for their new DADA professor.
Harry didn't have to wait too long.
When Harry and Ron settled into their seats, Remus--Professor Lupin stepped inside. This time Harry blushed, hoping that Ron would not notice it.
"Good morning everyone, " Professor Lupin said in a controlled voice.
"Good Morning," the sixth year Gryffindors chorused.
Harry pretended to act as normally as he could during the Defense Against the Dark Arts class. It was very hard for him not to cast glances at Professor Lupin. Every time he did so, it seemed as if Professor Lupin himself pretended he was not there, not even calling him for recitation, which was odd.
Harry felt hurt.
After class, Harry, Ron and Hermione proceeded to the Hogwarts grounds to their Care of Magical Creatures class with Hagrid.
Hermione looked at Harry.
"I wonder why Professor Lupin never told you he was coming back to teach when you were with him during the summer, " Hermione mused.
"Maybe he just wanted to surprise us. He never did tell any of us. And it wasn't like he was in the Welcoming Feast," Ron guessed.
Harry just shrugged. He could not believe how time flew by fast. After that incident with Remus barely a month ago, a lot had changed. Professor Lupin was true to his word that they would never talk about what happened. However it also seemed because of what happened, Professor Lupin found ways to avoid Harry in Grimmauld Place. So, Harry spent most of the time there with Mrs. Weasley and Tonks who would drop by often for meetings. He would also see Moody, Snape, Dumbledore and the rest of the old crowd pop in once in awhile for the meetings. But they were busy most of the time, so he hadn't had the opportunity to talk to them as much as he wanted to. Inside, he was wondering as well. Maybe Professor Lupin did not want Harry to know because of what happened...
"Hey Harry!" Neville Longbottom called from across the field.
The trio stopped, waiting for Neville to catch up with them.
"There you are. Professor Dumbledore wants to talk to you. He says its urgent and you're to be excused from Care of Magical Creatures. "
Harry felt his stomach churn.
Did he know? Did Remus tell Dumbledore? Was he going to be in trouble because of it?
With a heavy sigh, he said goodbye to Ron and Hermione and headed to Dumbledore's office.
Professor Lupin was standing outside the Phoenix statue guarding the Headmaster's office, face unreadable. He seemed to not have seen Harry at first, and when he did he gave him a brief nod.
"Harry."
"Professor Lupin."
There was an uncomfortable silence as both Harry and Professor Lupin looked at one another.
"Spicy chocolate frogs," Professor Lupin all but croaked.
The Phoenix statue magically turned into a spiral staircase and Harry and Professor Lupin rode up into Dumbledore's office.
'Ahh, Remus, Harry. Good to see you both," Dumbledore acknowledged them, when they entered his study. Albus Dumbledore, the headmaster of Hogwarts was sitting down on his desk, wearing purple robes and a stripped yellow wizard hat. He seemed to be in the middle of writing something, such that he was holding a quill on his right hand.
"Come on. I've got a lot to tell you both. You can take your seats here." Dumbledore pointed to two rather large and comfortable squash chairs right next to his desk.
Harry glanced at Professor Lupin at the corner of his eyes. It seemed that neither of them wanted to make a move. Finally, it was Professor Lupin who sat down, which Harry followed.
"Now! Let's begin shall we?" Dumbledore said clapping his hands, which startled Harry.
After which, both Remus and Harry tried to figure out how it was they had survived the whole conversation.
Oh you idiot! You're supposed to be the adult here! But I couldn't help it…
I just couldn't.
Right as of this moment, Harry was only but a few feet away from me, seated at a desk, head down, and hands currently gripping a quill and writing profusely on the parchment. I had asked Harry to write down everything he had learned from Defense Against the Dark Arts since he was in his first year. It was important for myself to know that if I were to continue with this. It took almost all my self-control not to give in to what I really wanted. This was the first time since summer that the two of us has been alone together in a room. I had made sure that I would not find myself in a position wherein I would regret my actions…again. I had not forgotten what happened in the summer. I had not forgotten how gentle and naïve Harry felt upon my lips. I had not forgotten the words Harry uttered and the desire on his face. I would have done so much more for him, but my sense told me to stop before it became too much. I knew in my mind that I would really have never done what Harry asked for last summer. But my heart said a different thing, and at that time it had won over. I must have been staring for a long time or maybe Harry might have noticed, because it was then that Harry looked up from his work and stared straight at me. I had to shiver.
"Professor, what is it?"
"Nothing…nothing Harry, are you finished?" I tried to make my voice as calm as possible.
"Yes sir. " I didn't know why, but when he said that all kinds of thoughts floated in my mind, which I tried to ignore.
I saw him get up from his desk and approach where I was sitting at my own desk. Harry's expression was a bit confusing to me. He looked like he wanted to tell me something but couldn't find the courage to. He placed the parchment on the desk and waited.
"Well, I don't see any other reason for you to be here. We'll begin the first lesson tomorrow at 8pm. Go and have fun with Hermione and Ron, while I'll check some boring papers," I tried to make the mood lighter. There was just so much tension in the room right now that it was starting to show in the both of us.
But Harry didn't move. He just stood there waiting. After awhile he spoke,
"Professor, can I talk to you? "
I felt like I've just swallowed a cauldron filled with Polyjuice Potion.
"Right now? I'm really busy, "
"I know what you're doing. If you don't want to talk to me ever again just tell me so. Just forget it okay? I'll see you at 8pm tomorrow, " There was a slight catch in Harry's voice when he said this. His eyes cast downwards as he hurried out of the room, not once looking back.
I'm sorry Harry.
The tears were already threatening to fall from Harry's eyes as he rushed out of Professor Lupin's office. There was a reason why he didn't want to linger any longer. It was because he was already on the verge of breaking, and he did not want to show any weakness in front of Remus. If Remus himself didn't want to talk about what happened last summer, then he won't as well.
"There you are Harry! We haven't seen you for a while," Hermione greeted him as he entered the Gryffindor common room. Hermione and Ron were seated by their favorite spot near the fireplace, while finishing up their homework. Harry just shrugged.
"Alright there Harry?" Concern was etched all over Hermione's face. Ron looked over at him and noticed red spots on his eyes.
"What's wrong with your eyes?"
"Harry, have you been crying?" Hermione asked him.
"Nah, I'm alright. I think I'll be going to bed now. Goodnight, "
"Something's going on with Harry," Hermione mused as she watched Harry's slouched back climb up the stairs to the boy's dormitory until he disappeared completely.
8pm the next night found Harry in front of Professor Lupin's office. The door was slightly ajar so Harry invited himself inside.
"Professor?" he called out. He heard a strangled noise coming from the door next to his office. Out of curiosity, Harry approached the spot where the noise was coming from.
He hadn't expected what he would see once he stepped inside the other room, for what he saw brought not only butterflies to his stomach but also the feeling of lead combined with an army of ants. Try feeling those at the pit of your stomach. That was how Harry felt when he saw lying on a chair, the one person he secretly wanted, pleasuring himself and whispering his name in ecstasy. His name. He slowly took one step backwards, too shocked to react with any sense. I have to get out of here. Harry was concentrating so much on remaining unnoticed when his back accidentally hit the doorknob.
Remus stopped at what he was doing and stared straight at Harry's horrified eyes.
You told me once that you wouldn't push through with my advances. I could see it clearly in your eyes. You didn't want anyone to know who you were. You didn't want me; maybe you were afraid and still are. But right now all I can see is the want in your eyes. And I need you so much. I know this now. Maybe I always have known it but never really noticed before.
"Harry," Remus croaked. He just stood there too shocked by just what happened to move.
"Remus," Harry replied. And he shut the door with a bang.
I'm sorry Harry. You shouldn't have seen this. Please just leave.
"What are you still doing here?"
What am I still doing here? Is he blind? Isn't it obvious?
Harry more boldly now, stepped forward, closing his gap between himself and Remus. Remus, for his part, got up from the easy chair he was sitting on.
"We can talk about this later, Harry. I still have to teach you the advanced art of magical defense. It's for your own good, "
"No. I think we need to talk about it now," Harry told him, his face full of mixed emotions.
What just happened?
Does Professor…. Remus feel the same way like I do?
"Harry please…nothing will come out of this so-called talk. It's best if we don't speak about what happened,"
"Why must you always avoid things? "
"Whatever you're thinking right now, it can't and won't be real. It just can't," Remus' voice was trembling. He said those words as if to reassure himself.
"Why must you always avoid things?" Harry asked him once again.
"We…can't," Remus said once more, shaking his head.
"Dammit!" Harry said in frustration.
Remus looked over at Harry when he said this, reflecting on their positions. Harry looked on the verge of exploding, standing near the door. Remus himself was seated on his easy chair, head down and looking guilty.
Remus didn't say anything.
"Why am I even thinking of this? This…this is useless,"
And with that, Harry stormed out of the room.
After that rather unsuccessful Defense Against the Dark Arts training the other night, Harry now found himself too tired and weak to have Occulmency lessons with Snape the very next night. If extra DADA lessons were not enough, Harry had to endure yet again Occulmency lessons with Snape. It had seemed that Dumbledore had talked to Snape to let him to teach Harry again, to the great annoyance of Snape.
"Mr. Potter. Don't expect your enemies to be lenient with you during battle just because you are not paying attention. One wrong move from your part and then its goodbye to the wizarding world's savior. Now. Let's begin again," Professor Snape told him, voice as cold and menacing as ever.
Harry was currently on the floor having suffered from Snape's attack to his mind.
"Get up. "
Harry got up, trying to erase all emotions from his face, pushing his memories further back into his mind.
"Now. Again. "
Harry stumbled upstairs to his dormitory room after the Occulmency lesson.
Stupid, Potter. You let your guard down.
The voice of Snape rang in his head like a broken record.
"Harry?"
It was Hermione. She was sitting in front of the fireplace writing something in a parchment, which Harry guessed was schoolwork.
"How was Occulmency with Snape?" she asked him.
Harry shrugged.
Hermione gave him the look and sighed. She dropped her quill and parchment on the table, and then stood up. She would have to deal with Arithmancy later.
"Come over here Harry, "
Why?
Harry gave her a similar "look"; nevertheless he approached Hermione near the fireplace. Once Harry was close enough, Hermione gave a satisfied smile and pointed to the armchair right across from her. "Sit," she ordered him.
Harry sat. Hermione after all, had a way of making people do what she wanted. Harry stared at the fire taking comfort on it, thinking of a dozen things. His thoughts went back to his recent Occulmency with Snape.
"So, feeling a bit unloved?" Snape asked even though he knew exactly what he saw. It couldn't have been fake. But the impact of what he saw was too good to believe. Mr. Potter was in love with a werewolf, in fact his own teacher! Snape couldn't help but give him a malicious smile.
Harry didn't answer but merely gazed in a distance, not looking at Snape.
"Ah, I see. So this is the little dark secret of the boy who lived. You're being a fool,"
"I am not a fool," Harry countered feeling his temper rising. He didn't care anymore that Snape knew. He wouldn't be able to do anything about it anyway.
"What did you say? Stupid, Potter. You let your guard down," Snape told him menacingly.
The look Snape gave him as he walked out the door was that of mischief.
"So, you want to talk about whatever is bothering you?"
Harry took his eyes away from the fire and looked at one of his best friends since he entered Hogwarts. They had been through a lot together, fighting Voldemort and the like for the past six years. He knew that he could trust her. Hermione's eyes were focused on Harry. He could see that she was truly concerned. Without any hesitation, he told her about his problem…well, not the whole problem exactly.
"I…well how do I say this? I kind of like someone. "
There he said it. There was no turning back now.
Hermione stared at him fixedly and waited. His words were not registering in her mind, as if expecting something more.
"Well? Are you just going to stare at me the whole time?" Harry asked her, clearly not happy with Hermione's reaction.
She doesn't understand the whole story. The annoying voice told him. After a few seconds, Hermione seemed to have gone back from her reverie and laughed.
Laughed. She's laughing at you!
"What's so bloody funny? " Harry grumbled.
"Oh, Harry," Hermione said in between her giggles. "You got to give me something more than that. I hardly think it's such a big problem. I'd say it's a good thing! You've been so trapped in your own world lately after Sirius…," Hermione knew it was a mistake to say the "S" word once she saw Harry's face darken.
"Look, Harry--," Hermione said trying to make up for her little bungle.
"Well, I think I should get going. It's pretty late. Quidditch practice tomorrow," Harry mumbled, and then left Hermione to her own thoughts and her forgotten Arthimancy assignment.
"Bollocks,"Hermione cursed out loud.
Saturday morning found Harry walking back to the castle, tired and worn out, after a grueling early morning practice of Quidditch. They were going against the Slytherins the week after next, so they were practicing as hard as usual. He didn't get much sleep last night after his talk with Hermione. He kept on tossing and turning on his bed, thinking and thinking. Talking about Hermione, he hadn't spoken to her since last night, leaving early from the common room today and skipping breakfast because of practice; he didn't get the chance to talk to her properly and apologize. Okay, so he knew he was overreacting. And it has been months since the incident in the Ministry. Everyone seemed to have forgotten about it already, so why couldn't he as well? Because he was so occupied with his thoughts, as he was turning around the corner to the Gryffindor common room, his shoulder collided with a strong arm of a person.
"Sorry!" he said rubbing his shoulders from the pain.
"It's alright,"
It was Remus.
Harry glared at him, he did not know why exactly. He felt mad. Mad at Remus for being such a hypocrite. Mad at himself for falling for someone unattainable.
"Harry…I'm sorry, "Remus but croaked.
Harry continued walking ignoring the pleas behind him.
Nighttime. Again. He stood up restlessly and started walking around his chambers. The fire burnt warmly upon the hearth. But he did not feel any warmth. He felt cold. Empty. There was one thing on his mind right now, and that was Harry. It had been months since…well there was no point to think about that now. Yet his thoughts betrayed him. His thoughts of Harry kissing him…thoughts of his soft and hesitant lips as it touched his own lips…his teenage body pressed against his own body. He wanted more. Not merely physically did he want Harry, but also emotionally. He wanted companionship. He craved for it. He couldn't remember when was the last time he felt something akin to love for someone. And he knew…he knew that putting those thoughts into action would only make things worse. He knew it was a mistake to so carelessly have been thinking about Harry that as a result Harry saw…he saw…
No.
I can't ruin Harry's life. I can't promise him something I myself cannot promise.
At that moment, he was staring into the fire on the hearth. The flames cackled and fused and the head of Snape appeared.
"Lupin," Snape sneered in his usual nasty tone.
"Severus," he acknowledged politely. No point in making him see the sad state your in Lupin.
"I came to inform you that a batch of Wolfsbane is prepared and ready for your use. You may get them in the Potions room if you need to," Snape told him.
Remus gave him a wan smile. "Thank you Severus you've been helpful," he told him sincerely.
A strange glimmer radiated from Snape's eyes. "I'm only doing this out of orders from Dumbledore, Lupin," Snape spat.
"Right. Will that be all Severus?" Remus replied and couldn't help but smile.
"Yes, I suppose so," Snape told him but then he gave him a wicked smile, "By the way, Harry had Occulmency with me the other night, as you probably know. I discovered an interesting thing about him and strangely enough it concerns you," Snape said.
Remus froze once he heard this. He couldn't have…
Snape smirked watching Lupin's reaction.
"I'll be watching you Lupin. Goodnight," he said, then disappeared.
Hands massaging his arms, lips kissing his neck…trailing downwards. He held on to the muscular body on top of him, breathing heavily. Meticulously the lips trailed down his neck, chest and now belly, kissing, biting, stopping, and teasing him. He cried out in frustration. Then he felt hands and lips touching him gently in his private part. He heard himself moan with pleasure. Warm heat closing in, exploring and discovering places in him that he hadn't realized existed. He groaned. "Remus," he whispered, catching his breath.
Awake now. Sweaty and cold. How long had he been asleep? His stomach was grumbling. But all he could think of was his dream. It had felt so real…Remus.
"Remus!" Harry came awake and saw darkness. And then he heard Ron wake up beside his bed and asked him if anything was wrong.
"Bad dream," he told Ron in response. He lay back down and shifted his position to the left. His dreams of Remus have been getting out of hand lately. It was maybe to the point of madness. Why couldn't he like a normal girl like any normal teenager? Why can't he ever be normal in the first place?
Wishful thinking that voice in his head told him.
I can't do this anymore. I can't remain idle and let this happen. I need to see where this goes, Harry thought. Slowly and quietly, he got up from his bed making sure that Ron and the others in the room didn't wake from their slumber. Fumbling and grasping in the dark, he reached for his Invisibility Cloak inside his trunk. He didn't care how late or early it was. He was going to see Remus.
He traced his steps intelligently towards the Defense Against the Dark Arts classroom and beyond that he knew laid Remus' chambers. He almost smiled ironically. Now when did he start and call Professor Lupin, Remus? He knew that it wouldn't be so easy when he reached for the door to the D.A.D.A classroom and found it locked. "Alohamora," he whispered the spell using his wand. The door swung open. Amidst the dark, chairs and tables sat orderly facing the board and the teacher's desk. But Harry didn't care much about that he was more concerned about the door situated right near the blackboard. Careful to not hit anything, he walked towards it and turned the knob gently. It was locked. Of course it was. And Harry couldn't help but think that it would take more than a simple Alohamora spell to disengage the lock. Oh, what the hell, Harry thought to himself. If he couldn't use any of his wizard powers, he might just as well use his muggle prowess.
"Remus! Remus! Wake up!" He banged the door with his fist. He made sure it was just loud enough for him to hear, not wanting to wake up the whole school. There was some sort of muffled sound coming from inside the room then footsteps nearing. The door opened and appeared Remus Lupin dressed in his nightgown and a cap carrying a solitary lighted candle. He seemed disoriented. His shoulder-length brown hair was all over the place and his eyes had dark circles underneath.
"Wh—aat?" he said, startled when he saw no one at his door. Harry wasted no time and strode past Remus, bumping into him as a result.
"Shut the door," he told Remus in a hoarse voice that he did not recognize. Out of confusion or maybe sleepiness Remus did what he was told.
"Who are you?" Remus asked, more alert now. "Reveal yourself or you'll be sorry," Remus told the phantom in a voice that was commanding and powerful. Harry was now right in front of Remus mere inches away. Not waiting anymore, he took off his cloak and kissed Remus full on the mouth.
Remus, who was just rudely awakened, did not realize what was happening. All he felt was soft lips against his own, which strangely reminded him of Harry's. And that was all that mattered to him. He pressed his mouth and savored the taste of that mouth. Their kiss deepened and Harry's tongue begged entry to his own mouth. Groaning, Remus willingly and openly accepted. He only realized after that it was really Harry he was kissing and not a dream. How long has is it been since he felt this and not dreamt it? Far too long, he thought.
"Harry," he whispered to him in between kisses. He held the boy's head and gazed directly at his eyes. He could see the passion and longing on Harry's eyes. He wondered briefly if whatever was going through Harry that moment was also reflected on his eyes.
"Harry," he said again at a lost for words. What did he want to say anyway? That he wanted him? That he actually was just lying to himself and to Harry when the truth was so blatantly obvious? That he himself was being a coward for not having the courage to act? But the logical side of his brain sent him all sorts of warnings. Was he willing to take the risk? His gaze never left Harry who was now looking at him breathlessly, somewhat scared. Remus gave him a quick smile.
"You're not wearing your glasses," Remus told him. There was something with that simple and obvious fact that seemed to have erased the tension between them, which harbored inside the both of them for the past few days. It was a much-needed revelation of sorts that the both of them needed to hear. In response Harry leaned in closer to him and trailed kisses on his bare neck, which sent shivers down Remus' spine. He pulled Harry back up to face him and said seriously, "Has anyone ever told you you've got eyes like the greenest opals I've ever seen?"
"Erm…no, and thank you, I think. This is the first time I've heard anyone say that about me," Harry said leaning back on his shoulder. The smell of Remus' nightgown seemed to comfort him however odd that sounds. There was something about the smell that was truly Remus' scent. He held on to him for comfort not wanting to let go. He heard Remus sigh as he gently stroked his jet-black hair. There was a moment of silence as they took comfort just holding each other when Remus spoke.
"What possessed you to come here at this time?" he asked him. Harry looked at him, eyes a bit uneasy.
"Are you mad at me? Because I don't want you to be mad at me," he told him quietly.
Remus knew he should be mad at Harry. This nightly trip of his was uncalled for. His action and his own reaction to it were uncalled for as well.
"No. I'm not mad," Remus told him finally.
"Good," Harry said and then added somewhat nervously, "can I stay here for the rest of the night?"
Remus separated from him and looked at Harry firmly. "No. It's too risky. I don't want anyone to see you here with me," Remus said.
"But--," Harry started.
"No 'buts' Harry. What we've done is more than enough to get you expelled and me fired. We've chosen a bad time to do this…whatever it is we're doing," Remus said.
"I don't understand how you could treat this so lightly," Harry retorted.
"Lightly? On the contrary Harry, I think it's you who don't understand the lines that have been crossed tonight. I am to blame too of course, but I don't think you're ready…," Remus was saying. It was as if they had been pulled from the dream world of just a few minutes ago and back to the reality of the world.
Harry looked at Remus not believing what he was hearing.
"I'm just a teenager and you're an adult is that it?" Harry raised his voice when he asked the question.
"That's not the point," Remus insisted, looking a tired now.
"Then what is the point? Why this dancing around?"
"It's not that simple, Harry," Remus told him in a voice that seemed as if he was explaining something fundamental to a child.
"But it is simple! There are lines, yes. There are also rules and norms that are to be followed. But there are new norms being thought of every single minute," Harry countered.
"You cannot just declare something and make them rules."
"But it is the people who make them. And I'm a person aren't I? And why are we discussing this? I don't even know anymore what we're talking about," Harry said.
"Rules, Harry. We're talking about them and I think it's very appropriate to what just happened right now," Remus said simply.
Harry remained silent as he stepped towards Remus. During their discussion, somehow their distance grew even greater. Harry got close enough to Remus and held his hands, which lay, limply on his side. He brought both of his hands to his face and stared directly at his eyes.
"Maybe there are rules that could be applied only to specific situations. Maybe we could have a certain set of rules right here in this room and another set of rules outside of this room," Harry said not taking his eyes away from Remus'.
Remus held his gaze as well and could see the sincerity in Harry's eyes. Why was he even doing this? Why was he even considering, when all kinds of excuses and warnings screamed loudly inside his head.
He closed his eyes trying his best to ignore the shouts of protest from within.
Finally opening his eyes he took a deep breath. "Okay," he whispered to Harry stroking the side of his face with his fingers.
"Okay? Really?" Harry's eyes brightened.
Remus couldn't help but smile He traced his fingers on Harry's lips.
"Okay," he repeated, although he knew by saying so he was signing his name on the dotted line.
He then leaned in close and kissed Harry.
End of Indecision
To be continued in Green Eyes