I have never written any thing other then Dean/Jo, but I felt like I should give Lisa a shot. I loved Swan Song, but I feel like this Lisa/Ben thing was rushed. And I also wish that Swan Song was the end. It was perfect, and as an avid fan since the beginning, I am used to perfection by Kripke. I am just nervous about season 6, although I will still watch. Anyways, I like Lisa's character, but I don't know much about her since they rushed her in, I think to give Dean a new story arc. From what I have read, Kripke always wanted Jo to be to Dean what I guess Lisa is now, but we can't always get what we want, since some crazy fans just don't like girls on the show. Anyways, I hope you like this. Sorry for my rant :) Just feeling a little lonely, frustrated, and saddened after the perfection of Swan Song. Enjoy! P.S. I don't own anything and please review!
My life should be whole right now. I have a family, my son has a father. My mind is telling me that my life is full, whole, right, just like I always wanted. But there is a whole in my heart that is telling me that love is not empty, and this is.
To tell the truth, I never dreamed that this would happen, that anybody would come back to take me on, especially once I had Ben, and never in a million years would I have guessed it would be him, Dean Winchester, that would be the one on my doorstep.
But it just does not feel full, or whole, or right. I wake up in the morning and I get dressed, but it feels like the man putting on his shirt beside me is a ghost. I go to work, but I feel like that man who takes my son to school is just going to forget that he is alive. I eat my dinner with a boy who is excitedly telling this man every minute detail of the day, and I know he is listening to him, but I don't feel like he is hearing anything I tell him. I go to sleep with his arm around me, but the gun he holds in his other hand, the one under his pillow that he thinks I don't know about, that gun tells me in my dreams that I am sleeping under the protection of an empty shell, the remnants of the man I love.
And I don't blame Dean for being so distant. I don't blame him for walking through our lives in a daze. My heart is telling me that I should be angry, angry that he says he loves me but can't seem to be happy here with Ben and me. But my head tells me he is trying. My head keeps saying, you wanted this family, this apple-pie life, and so does he. Be happy he is trying.
He tells me every day that he is here because he wants to be, because he loves Ben and me, because he wants to protect us. I want to ask him every day, "Protect us from what, Dean?" And every day, when he tells me with his words that he will protect me, he tells me with his eyes not to ask why or from what he is protecting us for.
I know the kind of evil he has fought, and I just have this feeling that he would tell me if something supernatural was after us, but I also have the feeling that this time, this protection is not from something evil, but from his mind. I don't know if he is protecting us from angels, demons, the possibilities of Lucifer returning, or if it is Dean himself that he does not want us to confront. He won't tell me what happened in Kansas, but I know. I know that Sam is gone, and I know that he can't come back. I know that most of Dean went with him, and I know that that part can't come back either. But I want to know: is Dean afraid for us if Sam, or Sam's body comes back, or what will happen to Dean himself if his brother rises?
He wants, even needs, to feel that he can protect Ben and me physically, but I just want to protect his heart and his soul. I want to protect the parts of him that he believes are no longer there, but the stuff I see every day. I know he has a heart, because I see him sitting with Ben every day, working his hardest to be a father. I know he has a soul, because I see him fight to get out of bed in the morning, when he knows that every breath he breathes is one he wants to give to Sam. I know that Dean is real, because he fights for himself. But I just feel that he is empty. An empty shell, and he cannot be whole again. He lost himself in that pit, and nothing I can do, no protection I can give him, will ever fill it.
But you know, I can't hold his emptiness against him. I get my strength seeing him fight for the little bit he still holds on too. And you know what, if he does not love me as I love him, with every bit of my self, I just have to suck it up and know that he is working to love me with every part he has left. He is barren inside, but if being loved by this ghost of a man is all I can get, then I am going to lie here for eternity, and sleep in the protection of an empty shell.