If this is awful I will change it. I've been told I write better with 1 beer in my system. It however is way to early in the day for one and I typically try no more than one a week and I save that for the weekend. It is neither nighttime nor a weekend so hang in there with me. This purely her thought in the style of a typical teenager so yes there will be over thinking and rambling.
It made me wonder if the world had something against me. I mean every guy I'd ever trusted or been with had cheated on me or played me like I was just a game to them. Drew, dear gosh Drew thought he was just a stupid rebound. I had honestly been under the impression he was smarter than that. How can anyone really believe that I would dump the guy who meant everything to me for a rebound. I mean we work together, were together a lot so I developed real feelings for him. The kind of feelings I would have had even if Eli had still gone to school with me. Now because of this I'm sitting on stupid bench realising that yeah it wasn't cool to dump the love of my life over a phone but if he would have ever answered his phone or shown up ever I wouldn't have had to go that low. It's funny how only after I tell him were done he can finally find time to come see me. All guys are the freaken same about that. They get too damn fucking comfortable and think they can blow you off till they feel like it.
He never used to be that way but when he went to college he turned into someone I don't know. It's as if people get big head when they go to college and think that they are completely different because they have no one to account to. People don't change in a summer or a year they just think they have to once they go away. Like going away makes you different, really they are just wanting an adventure and to not feel like that beat down kid anymore. They feel like they have to change when really after college is done they'll go back to the same person they always were realizing they never changed.
Why do people talk about highschool more than college when it comes to love and life and college only when it comes to phases and parties? I mean how many times have I heard my mom say back in highschool how she was in love with this one guy and she'll never forget him and how she was on student council and how she missed those days. However when I've been confused about who I am she says I went through this phase in college where I would drink and party all the time but that wasn't me. Just a phase and then I left college and went back to normal. So in other words when you get old you wish you could go back to highschool and after college you went back to normal as if you were yourself before that point. I know I'm rambling.
I just realize that even though I knew our story had been done when I finally said the words to his face I felt like I didn't mean it. I feel like running after him now that he's gone. He'll be at his parents for just tonight and leave tomorrow and I am resisting the urge to go there. I keep wondering that If I try hard enough could I if even for just one night remind him who he really is and will be again. His words keep echoing in my head. "I don't want our story to end this way". I didn't either though, in fact I had trouble accepting it could end at all.
Then there was Drew, stupid beautiful Drew who thought I'd given up all I'd truly ever known for a rebound. If it wasn't for him I'd have probably continued to put up with Elis crud just because I would have forgotten what someone really being there felt like. He had also made me forget all I've been through with Eli and how we'd been there for each other through rough stages when we weren't ourselves. How he'd never given up on me. I was mad at Drew just because it hurt me to leave Eli and how I'd acted that he thought he was a rebound. He couldn't expect me not to react and not to feel this way and to be instantly over him. I am not the same a his Exs and he knew that. When I jump in I jump in all they way. It's like that Demi Lovato song lightweight. I easily fall and I'm easy to break. I give everything without thinking without question. So did Eli though.
He would always make one thing his priority and think of nothing else. Forever that was me and now I got sick of the fact that I wasn't it anymore. I didn't want to be anybodys second choice where they had to make time for me and sometimes didn't even feel like making time for me. If I didn't come first anymore did I really want to be anything to them at all. I shouldn't go to either of them. Drew didn't now the true me at all it turns out and Eli was probably already over it.