Hey there! If you haven't read Kyle's Rants, I'd suggest reading that before this, because you might get a bit lost with the plot. Screw that, really lost with the plot.
Also, I'm really, really sorry if I (Cookie) sound like an OC in this. It's just to help with the plot.
Disclaimer: I do not own South Park. Cartman's more likely to love and respect Judaism than I am to own South Park. The thoughts expressed in this are completely Kyle's.
Life always seemed to have something in store. Around the next corner, something out of the blue would happen. Due to the fact that said occurrences tended to be so random, they may as well have come out of the rainbow, rather than the blue.
On most days, these occurrences would end up in Peru, the White House, Space, or even Alternate Dimensions. Extraordinary events that would blow the minds of any normal people would happen here on a weekly basis, earning either widespread chaos, or no fucks whatsoever.
However, something was wrong. Something was happening, something that truly was a rare occurrence to these parts. That something, was nothing.
Adults lazed about, attending to their jobs, before watching a shitty reality TV-show about duck-faced sluts, wondering why they were wasting their lives on such crap. Still, they didn't bother to move from the comforts of the couch.
Kids were far more bored, kids being the most easily bored beings on the planet. School provided little to no points of interest, and general gossip had died down to a point where the hottest scoop was nothing more than how they get all the squiggly lines in the carpet.
The video game creators had decided to be assholes, and make them wait until the Christmas period before releasing any new games. Completing Super Mario Brothers was now as easy as walking, due to playing the game several times. Parents tried to get their kids to shut up by giving them the Ultimate shut-up-your-kids device – The Almighty Rubik's Cube.
However, this impossible cube of doom was defenceless to the poster paint makeover.
In this small town, one specific kid was doing what every kid does when they are bored out of their minds. Search for their house of Google Maps, of course.
Sou..th…..Pa…rk . The red headed boy typed these words into the box, clicking on the enter button and waiting for the page to load.
"Have I really sunk to this level of boredom?" He asked himself out loud, while turning back to the screen. Several reports of past incidents popped up. Kyle smiled to himself, thinking back to when he actually had something to do. Back when shit like this happened constantly.
One particular heading caught his eye. One that, once he clicked on, would change his life in a way he would not expect.
"South Park Fanfiction Archive?" He muttered to himself, clicking the link to said site. His younger adopted brother ran down the hall, screaming the word 'gay' over and over, much to his mother's extreme displeasure. If only Kyle was aware of the heavy foreshadowing and the perfection of the timing.
' |unleash your imagination' was written in white text in a blue box above words such as Browse, Just-In and Communities.
Kyle slowly scrolled down. Was this some sort of documental site about his town of residence? He guessed that Browse referred to browsing the archives for information, and that the Communities was about the town's different communities.
On any other day, the last thing Kyle, or any person for that matter, would want to do is read some dull information on the town's history. During this period of nothing, however, paragraphs about the rock-loving founder of the town sounded like a rainbow sprinkle coated marshmallow unicorn.
The red-head scrolled down, scanning the text. He clicked on a box called 'All Characters A'. To his surprise, on clicking the small triangle beside it, a list of name's dropped down. The names of almost resident were listed in alphabetical order, starting with Annie, the blonde girl in his class.
Soft clicks filled the room as Kyle scrolled down to find his own name, lodged between 'Kindergarten Goth' and Cartman's Mom. A single click sounded through the room. The single click that would change his life in a way he would never have expected.
There were a few more soft clicks as the boy scrolled down. The tranquillity of the room was broken by a rather loud-
"WHAT THE FUCK?!"
In any other case, the feared Sheila Broflovski would have burst into the room, screaming at her bubby for using profanity, rather than asking if her 'precious bubby' was alright, like other mother's. Of course, Sheila was nothing like the average mom, and was currently dealing with her adopted son's 'gay streak'.
Kyle would've felt sorry for his brother, knowing that his mom's fiery wrath was inevitable, and that Ike was doomed to a painfully long lecture. He definitely would've, if the content of his screen hadn't freaked him out as much as he would've thought.
He thought that the worst he could've found was private information about him; information that could only have been gotten from a certain Fatass' spying. It was worse than that. Far worse.
"Wha…Stan and me….kissing?!" The look of pure horror was evident on his face, but just like a crappy horror movie, he couldn't look away from it. Instead of running away, he sat, gawping at the summaries of what appeared to be stories.
"Making out….hugging….falling into a deep hole of depression…" He continued to think aloud, repeating the key words of the text he read. Anyone listening in on his conversation with himself would've thought he was summarising Twilight.
"OC's….More OC's….Another OC….What the fuck is an OC?" Kyle ranted to himself, making wild and melodramatic gestures at the screen, as if the screen was going to reply to him. It didn't.
"Fuck this, I need to rant" He announced to himself, going to Omegle. He vowed to never use Chat Roulette again after the past incident.
He quickly typed 'Rant' into the box, asking for his interests. Not long after, a girl appeared on the screen. Her hair was askew, a glasses were perched on the end of her nose. Kyle could tell from the look on her face that she was also in a ranting mood.
However, the pissed look on the girl's face melted when she looked at her partner.
"Kylie-boo?" She asked, a creepy looking grin spreading across her face.
Kyle looked at her with disbelief. How did she know his name? Was she one of them? Before he had time to even formulate a reply, the other girl began flapping her hands in a wild fashion.
"Holy frig Kylie, you look adorable!" She squealed, her eyes scrunched up in an over-excited expression.
"Who the fuck are you, and how do you know my name?" Kylie asked, taking note of the girl's background. Various plushies littered the shelf behind her, including one that looked freakishly similar to him.
"Who doesn't know who you are Kylie-boo?" She smiled brightly, pushing her glasses towards her face.
Kylie b- I mean, Kyle, pulled his famous 'What the fuck' face. The fact so many people knew about him scared him. How much did they know about his life, and how the fuck did they know?
"What the hell are you talking about? And stop calling me Kylie-boo" The girl pulled a look of confusion.
"You're Kyle Broflovski from South Park, right?"
Kyle stared at her. Was she a stalker or something? A past acquaintance? He doubted that, since her face was completely new to him.
"Oh! Sorry, I forgot to introduce myself! You can call me Cookie!" She smiled again, the creepy grin starting to freak him out.
"I highly doubt that's your real name, but anyway, how do you know who I am?"
"You know, South Park? The TV show where all the crazy shit happens?" Cookie answered plainly.
"TV Show? What the fuck?" Kyle looked dumbfounded. His life had become a TV show? He mentally prayed it was nothing like the horrors of the Kardashians or Honey Boo Boo.
"Anyway, you came here to rant, Kylie-boo?" Cookie paused, before continuing to speak, "I love ranting! Well, I don't really know, since I'm usually really pissy when I am ranting. But still, if you have to spend thirty hours a week with the biggest whores in Ireland, you'd be a pissy bitch too, right?"
Kyle tuned out during her mini-rant, only actually taking in the word 'Ireland'. He didn't hate the Irish, just the goddamn leprechaun that screwed things up for him during the whole 'Imaginationland' thing.
"So, if you're Irish, are you drunk or something?" Kyle interrupted her, wondering if alcohol played a part in her nonsensical rant. Cookie looked somewhat offended, but laughed after.
"And if you're American, shouldn't you be at McDonalds, scarfing down some burgers? Come on Kylie-boo, I thought you were above things like stereotypes?"
Now it was Kyle's turn to take some offence, as well as an opportunity to insult a certain Fatass.
"No, because Fatass would've eaten all the burgers before I had the chance" He smirked, proud of that little remark, "And yes, I'm above stereotypes. You just sound a little…out of sorts"
"Just high on the wonders of anime and sugar, Kylie-boo! Anyways, I have an idea! Do you know what fanfiction is?"
The mention of the word reminded Kyle of the actual reason he came here in the first place.
"That's why I'm here. What the fuck is that, and why the hell am I making out with Stan!" His original intention of ranting returned, and the rant switch inside his head flipped.
"Not just Stan, even though that's my favourite. Kenny, Craig, Cartman-" Cookie was suddenly interrupted when Kyle looked like he was going to pass out.
"Me…and..Fatass?" He shuddered violently.
"Yep! Well, I think this could work! You rant to me, and I'll post it on the site! The fangirls will love it!" Cookie looked extremely pleased with herself at the proposal.
"To get the message across that I'm not gay?" Kyle answered, colour returning to his face as the thoughts were pushed back.
"Well…uh sure, why not! It'll be fun! You can rant all you want Kylie-boo! Sounds like a good deal!" The fact that Cookie stuttered at the beginning of the sentence made Kyle question her original intentions, but he decided it would be for the best if he shrugged them off.
"Alright. On one condition- You stop calling me Kylie-boo"
"Then we have ourselves a deal!" Cookie gave the creepy smile again, which made Kyle rethink his deal. "Anything you want to begin with, for the first rant?"
"Well, I guess my hair. It looks…really different" Kyle lightly brushed a fiery curl that hung across his face, the thought of hair making him want to touch it, for some unknown reason.
"Okay! Well, commence the ranting!"
"What the fuck have I stumbled into?"
The last line is the first line from Kyle's Rants. Other chapters will follow this. Thanks for reading!