Sherlock does not belong to me, its BBC's, and I lay no claim.
This is a conversation I had with a stranger in Omegle just today, and it came out so great, I wanted to share it.
You're now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
You: Watson, so nice to see you
Stranger: ...This... this can't be real.
Stranger: I saw you die.
Stranger: Three years ago.
You: dear Watson
You: you should know by now not to trust your eyes
Stranger: I was THERE! I checked your pulse!
Stranger: You were dead!
You: oh pish posh!
Stranger: THREE YEARS, HOLMES
You: haven't you ever heard of the ball in the armpit?
You: ...
You: I'm sorry John
Stranger: I cannot believe you.
You: JOhn I had to disappear!
You: Moriarty still had men stationed all around town
Stranger: Do you have any idea of what I've gone through the past 3 years?!
Stranger: I don't expect you to understand.
Stranger: You never seemed to understand.
You: John Moran was about to shoot you
You: I could not let you die, and so I had to take the opportunity
Stranger: I /watched/ you die!
You: By doing that Moriarti's men would not have a reason to come after you or Mrs. Hudson
Stranger: ...
You: And I would be free to pursue them without fearing for your lives
You: John please
Stranger: Stand still, you deserve this punch in the face.
You: oomph!
You: well I suppose so
You: no more
You: you said one punch!
Stranger: One more for good measure.
You: no JOhn!
You: Alright
Stranger: There. Now I'm done.
You: I suppose I deserved that
Stranger: Yes! You did!
You: Oh John stop it
You: I apologized already
Stranger: You hurt me more than getting shot, Sherlock.
You: Now Moran is dead and Moriarti's men are no more though
You: And you still had Lestrade and Molly and Sarah
You: and Mrs. Hudson!
Stranger: It's not the same.
You: ...
You: at least you had them John...
Stranger: They're not you.
You: John no one ever can be me
You: but No one ever can be you either
You: and these 3 years, the room in the mind palace that was dedicated to you was the only one that remained unchanged
You: do understand John that you were not the only one hurt during this time
Stranger: I still see it when I close my eyes. The fall.
Stranger: I couldn't sleep for six months
You: you had people around you
Stranger: not without waking up screaming
You: I had nobody John
You: I slept in the dirt, I spend all my time hunting them
You: Look at me John, do I look alright to you?
Stranger: Well, I did just repeatedly punch you
You: Oh I don't mean that, you did that before and I didn't complain
Stranger: You asked me to before.
Stranger: To play a battered priest
Stranger: This time you deserved it.
You: Well yes, but never the les
You: John
You: what would Mrs. Hudson think
You: I just came back and you're already beating me
Stranger: She'd probably think you deserved it too.
You: she'd say we were having a domestic
You: well yes I suppose
You: But what I'm trying to say
You: ...
Stranger: You hurt a lot of people, Sherlock.
Stranger: And then you just... turned up
Stranger: Like it was just another day
You: please...forgive me...
You: Mycroft only told me today that the last of his men was caught
Stranger: I don't know if I can forgive you so easily, Sherlock
Stranger: I'm glad you've come back...
Stranger: But...
You: well can't we go back to Baker St
You: I'll even buy milk
Stranger: You can't come back and pretend nothing changed
You: and I'll move the skull
Stranger: I had to accept that you were dead
You: why not?
Stranger: I had to force myself to move on.
Stranger: I got married, Sherlock.
You: But I'm back
Stranger: Things aren't the same as they were.
Stranger: The world did not stop just because you disappeared
You: But John we were good together!
You: yours did.
Stranger: I WATCHED you DIE, Sherlock!
You: And I had to make it so you can LIVE!
You: You think I wanted to leave?
Stranger: I had to move on.
You: leave the house, skull, Mrs. Hudson, the work
You: leave you...
You: I see
Stranger: I couldn't keep pretending that I was just going to wake up and everything would be back to normal.
Stranger: I tried.
Stranger: But you were still gone.
You: It was all for your safety John
Stranger: I tried eating my gun twice, Sherlock. Because I couldn't go on.
You: I trust Mycroft put an end to that
You: I had him look after you
You: within reason ofcourse
You: Even if I wasn;t there I couldn;t let you be completely without support
You: You'd hobble in a ditch if I did!
Stranger: ...
You: no
You: di you?
You: did*
You: I'm sure I told him to look after you
You: John he gave me updates on you every few months
You: he never mentioned the gun...
Stranger: Did he tell you about the suicide attempts?
You: no
Stranger: There were three.
Stranger: One every year.
You: he never said
Stranger: Of course not.
You: Mycroft told me you were doing better after 6 months
You: and I was...happy
You: that you were able to...just be
You: It let me work in peace
Stranger: Do I look alright now, Sherlock?
Stranger: He did that so you didn't worry, obviously.
You: is that rhetorical?
You: Mycroft had no right to hide information like this from me!
You: He was my only link to you and my life
You: John I spend a year in complete information darkness
You: I couldn't check on you
You: I had no safe way to contact anyone
Stranger: There was a lot that Mycroft didn't tell you
You: John I had to be charming to get money!
Stranger: Tried killing myself, had to go see a therapist, I'm on medication now for the flashbacks, for the depression...
You: oh John...
Stranger: I took a leave of absence from the hospital because I could not work
Stranger: And look, the limp is back too
You: he said it was gone...
You: how could he lie to me?
Stranger: To keep you working, I'm sure.
Stranger: Your brother is an arse.
You: oh God such an arse!
You: such a big one too...
You: I heard rumors though
You: that hi choked on a cake when he got my first message
You: he*
You: apparently he was shocked
Stranger: ...
You: well he did!
You: where do you live now?
You: I know that its near a park, with a lake
Stranger: Yes, I moved across London. I couldn't stand to be near Baker St
You: Do you think the flat is still open?
You: I do need somewhere to live
Stranger: Most likely.
You: and I really don't want to sleep in motels anymore
You: or dirt
Stranger: I'm sure you could ask Mrs Hudson.
You: ...
You: would you come with me?
Stranger: ...
Stranger: I don't know.
You: please John
Stranger: It's a lot to deal with.
You: I won't ask you to come back to me, just be there when I talk to her
You: John she's old
Stranger: You're going to give her a heart attack
You: I know!
You: thats why I need a doctor to go with me, and I can't very well call molly
You: The girl would just think more...thoughts...of romantic inclination again
Stranger: Wait, did Molly know?
You: Who do you think provided the corpse for the burial...
You: and performed the autopsy
Stranger: ...
Stranger: I'm going to hit you again.
You: Regardless of everything that was not something I could pull off alone
You: No!
You: ouch...
You: why'd you have to get my eye
Stranger: You deserved that.
You: but my eye...
Stranger: Maybe if you didn't move into my punch...
Stranger: I would have hit your chest if you didn't try to duck
You: I was trying to get away!
You: You are surprisingly intimidating for someone your size!
You: so...
Stranger: I was a SOLDIER, Sherlock.
You: well ofcourse you were!
You: Did you hear me dispute that?
You: You just always look so cuddly in your jumpers...
Stranger: It's to throw you off.
You: ah
You: It works surprisingly well...
Stranger: Of course. That's why you have a black eye.
You: No wonder your reindeer one was som comfortable while I was in Canada...
You: and a bruised rib...
Stranger: That you deserved
You: ...
You: phew-phew-phew...
You: Would you go with me?
Stranger: ...Fine.
You: then we shall go right now, I'm sure Mrs. Hudson can bring us some tea
Stranger: I'll let her know I'm coming, and that I'm bringing a guest.
You: you don't want to tell her right away?
You: It really would prepare her better
Stranger: I'll tell her. Go put some ice on that eye.
You: But we're in a park...
You: I mean I can catch a duck and put an egg on it...
You: Did you know I am now very very good at hunting?
Stranger: Use this water bottle of mine.
You: I even shot a gazelle!
Stranger: ...
You: I traveled a lot and Moran was notorious for hunting in Africa
Stranger: Sherlock.
You: yes John?
Stranger: Shut up about your travels.
Stranger: I don't care.
You: but
Stranger: I care that you're here now.
You: ...
You: me too
You: Shall we go give Mrs. Hudson that heart attack then?
You: I trust you revive her when needed
Stranger: You're taking too much joy in this.
You: :)
Stranger: Fine, let's go. Then I'm going to punch your brother.
You: Ooh! Can I watch?
Stranger: No.
You: Can I watch you punch Lestrade?
Stranger: ...LESTRADE knew about it too!?
You: I can only assume he did, seeing as he spent a lot of time warming my brother's bed after his divorce was complete
Stranger: ... hold still.
You: Despite the umbrella Mycroft always had been good with the...No John!
You: why now!?
You: What did I do now?!
You: ouch!
Stranger: Right in the nipple.
You: oooouch!
You: whyyy?
You: You know what
You: Next time I"LL punch you!
Stranger: You can try.
You: What do you mean I can try?
You: I can fight very well, how do you think I survived all this time?
You: And got rid of those men
You: By cuddling them in your jumpers?
Stranger: Remember who is the trained soldier here.
You: Although it would have given them a surprise...
You: And who shot a gazelle?
Stranger: A gazelle is not another human being.
You: Yes, its faster.
You: And has horns.
You: Although some men do too
Stranger: ...I'll punch you in the groin next.
You: Don't you dare
You: John no!
You: I'll defend myself this time!
Stranger: You deserve it, but I'll wait until you least expect it.
You: ...You wouldn't dare
Stranger: Oh, yes I will.
Stranger: Remember the bucket of cold water during your shower?
Stranger: This will be more unexpected
You: What!
You: John Hamish Watson what would Mrs. Hudson say!
You: Why that poor woman
Stranger: She thought the bucket of water was funny.
Stranger: Remember? She laughed
You: No she hadn't!
You: That was at her silly TV show
Stranger: Oh no, she thought it was wonderful.
Stranger: That's why she did it the second time.
You: ...I hate you both...
You: I come back to my loved ones and what do I get? Punched, kicked, and a promise of cold water...
You: Should've brought you Mycroft first
Stranger: I would have punched you both equally.
You: /But he has more ground to cover!
Stranger: Come here, Sherlock. I'm not going to hit you.
You: ...Are you sure?
Stranger: I promise.
You: because I'd like to keep my eye as intact as I can now...
You: ok
Stranger: See?
Stranger: It's called a hug.
Stranger: Not so bad.
You: ...its uncomfortable...
Stranger: It's a sign of affection.
You: What do I do with my hands?
Stranger: You either stand there stupidly or hug me back.
You: I'll hug...
Stranger: Just wrap your arms around my back
You: Am I suppose to grope your arse now?
Stranger: Only if you want me to knee you in the crotch.
You: Thats what the other men did...
Stranger: No, Sherlock.
You: Ok.
You: ...
You: So is there a time limit to this?...
Stranger: Whenever I feel like letting go.
You: A social norm?...
Stranger: Normally it lasts a few seconds.
You: A warm feeling or something?...
Stranger: But you've been gone.
Stranger: That warm feeling is normal.
You: Oh, ok then...
Stranger: There. Now I feel better.
Stranger: Let's go see Mrs Hudson.
You: Very well
You: ...I would still like to see you punch Mycroft
Stranger: I still might.
You: can I please watch?
Stranger: I would probably punch the Queen mum if she were in on this too.
You: ...
Stranger: Punching Mycroft is close enough.
You: :)
Stranger: Come on.
You: I'm coming, I'm coming...
Stranger: Stop analyzing my limp.
You: But Watson, it tells so muchQ
You: !*
Stranger: It is invasive.
You: You're the Doctor, you're invasive
You: I just observe
You: You'd know if I as invasive
Stranger: You haven't changed.
You: Well why would I?
Stranger: ...
You: ...
You: sorry...
Stranger: At least you stopped smoking.
You: ...
Stranger: Oh come on...
You: actually...
Stranger: Choose your next words very carefully.
You: there is not a lot of places to but nicotine patches in Australia...
You: or Timbuktu...
You: But I did stop using! Please don;t hit me again!
Stranger: You're quitting. Right now.
You: But John.
You: Oh very well
You: But you have to get me the patches!
Stranger: They're to help you QUIT
You: ...I'll need at least 2 boxes to start with, at the beginning my addiction will require more then the prescribed norm.
You: And they'll have to be the good kind
Stranger: ...
You: Well its not the first time I'll be quitting John, I know my limits
You: Nor the first thing.
Stranger: Sherlock.
You: I trust Mycroft had already described my youthful...likes...
Stranger: ...Sherlock.
You: John I lived on the street, and I;ve already said that I had to be charming to get money.
Stranger: Sherlock, shut up.
You: ...
Stranger: Get in the cab.
You:
You: 221 B Baker St
Stranger: I am glad you're back, Sherlock.
You: I should certainly hope so.
You: I...missed you...
Stranger: If you ever do something that stupid again, I'm going to castrate you with a rusty spoon.
You: ...O_o...
You: How in the world...
Stranger: Do not doubt me.
You: John I never knew you had it in you!
Stranger: It has been a long, long three years.
You: ...
You: I see that your marriage is...stagnant...
Stranger: ... Don't do that.
Stranger: Don't analyze me.
Stranger: Don't tell me that I'll be getting divorce papers in a week.
You: ...
You: It'll be at least a month...
Stranger: ...
You: ...
You: Unless
You: You would like her back.
You: And not to go away ofcourse.
Stranger: At this point... I'd rather move back in with you.
Stranger: Skull and all
Stranger: I have your skull, actually.
You: Oh how wonderful
Stranger: I talked to him a lot.
You: How has he been?
You: A great listener that one is.
You: Did you know, John, that I dug him up when I was 7?
Stranger: I took very good care of him.
Stranger: I talked to him a lot after... the fall.
You: Thank you. Even though I'm sure he was one of the reasons for your wife's discontent...
You: My friend had bore witness to many tragic events during his time as a skull. Yours not being the first he listened to.
Stranger: Of course.
Stranger: I'm sure he will be glad to have you back.
You: Did you ever wonder why I talk to him so much?
Stranger: At first I did.
Stranger: Then I realized it wasn't any of my concern.
Stranger: Since asking would be invasive.
You: ...
You: Was that a hint?
Stranger: Yes, Sherlock.
You: Ah...
You: Very well
Stranger: I'm going to give Mrs Hudson a call.
Stranger: So she knows we're coming.
Stranger: And so she can prepare an ice pack for your eye.
You: I do hope the damage will not be renewed anytime soon...
Stranger: She may punch you too.
You: ...She did have a serial killer for a husband...
You: Frankly John, I'm a bit more cautious of her then I eas of you
You: You punch...
You: Mrs. Hudson...
Stranger: Hello, Mrs Hudson. It's John, John Watson...
You: ...
Stranger: Yes, I'm coming for a visit, I hope that's alright...
Stranger: I'm... I'm bringing a friend. A very old friend.
Stranger: Yes, Mrs Hudson. He's alive.
Stranger: Yes, I already punched him.
Stranger: Several times.
You: John!
You: Don't give her ideas!
You: Mrs. Hudson!
Stranger: He needs an ice pack.
You: Don't listen to him, he is lying!
You: But yes, well I do need one of those...
Stranger: We'll be there in a bit, Mrs Hudson.
You: Bring us tea!
You: And biscuits!
Stranger: She says she is going to give you a piece of her mind.
You: ...
Stranger: But now she's expecting us.
You: You realize that she might poison me right?
You: Mr. Hudson was not the one to work in a chemlab for 27 years after all...
You: Well John...Just know, that if I keel over in our living room on YOUR chair...
Stranger: She won't poison you
You: Then the poison detection kit should still be under the buckwheat
You: I'm not so certain...
You: Oh look we're here
You: Now Molly will have a real look at my cold body...And no smash wounds either...
Stranger: Did she see you nude?
You: Just a quick paralytic in the stomach and the esophagus coating...
You: Yes
You: She did need to get a new attire after the incident, and there was no private place ot change
You: ...I make a convincing woman.
Stranger: You do have the hips for it.
You: Ah yes! And don't forget my cheekbones
You: You should be flattered Watson.
You: I actually won Ms. Wisconsin last year.
Stranger: What.
You: The swim suit part took a bit of adjusting
Stranger: ((XD I actually live in Wisconsin. I am dying over here))
You: Oh, well one of Moran's men was a judge at the beauty show in America, and I had to get close to him without arousing suspicion
You: Yes
Stranger: What did your dress look like?
You: Oh it was very pretty John!
Stranger: Was it red? I bet it was red.
You: Dark purple, long sleeves
You: Shimmering veil and a slit up to my left hi[
You: hip
Stranger: Oh dear
You: I must say I was ravishing
You: It is no wonder the men wanted to get extra pointers at the runway, and asked me to his room
Stranger: ...I don't think I want to hear any more.
You: Oh don't worry, I put a paralytic in my lip-gloss and only had to use it once on him
You: Everyone was so very devastated when esteemed judge Warren had to be taken to the hospital with a heart attack
You: I was so upset that my performance at talent part was dedicated to him, which allowed the audience to be moved to tears, thus winning me the title
Stranger: You are unbelievable.
You: Watson I must say, I now possess an invaluable skill of running in high hills!
You: While holding a very big crown and flowers.
You: It's truly very useful/
Stranger: Well...
Stranger: good lord
Stranger: I don't know what to say.
You: Well I could show you sometime.
You: You never know when an occasion can arise
You: Perhaps next time a murder investigation takes to high culture we may pose as a couple, and all the men would be jealous of your gorgeous date.
Stranger: You're wearing red next time.
Stranger: Maybe we'll go to the Inferno.
You: Oh but dear, I don't have a red dress.
Stranger: I'm sure we can find you one.
You: Oh?
You: Would you like to see me in red then?
Stranger: I think I would.
You: I could even wear pearls.
Stranger: With your skin? No.
Stranger: You're too pale for pearls.
You: Hmm..You may be right...
Stranger: You need darker colors.
You: John Watson. When did you become an expert?
Stranger: I have a wife, remember?
You: Ah, ofcourse
Stranger: You learn quickly when you're married.
You: And what have you learned from your marriage dear Watson?
You: Besides excellent fashion advice
Stranger: That I missed you.
You: ...
You: I have been very lonely without you John too
You: Its fascinating, I've never been lonely before...
You: I don't like that feeling at all.
Stranger: I don't like it either.
Stranger: I prefer to be with you. You understand me.
Stranger: And no one gets you but me.
You: Oh John...
You: I suppose its a positive thing that your wife's reign in your life shall be short lived then.
You: I really do prefer you to keep your time nearby
You: Besides
You: John-Three-Continents-Watson was not meant for one woman!
Stranger: One woman? No.
Stranger: One man? Yes.
You: )
You: I never did get into women
You: Too much...emotion...
Stranger: You're womanly enough, Sherlock.
You: I'll have you know, my womanly charms are unmatched!
You: ...I can even cook now...
Stranger: Good. Now you can cook for me.
You: Hmm. And what do I get for it?
You: May I remind you John, not all of my work is pro-bono
Stranger: Consider it payback for all the times I cooked for you.
You: But you just made toast, and jam!
You: We went out almost every evening
You: ...
Stranger: And when you were sick?
You: You still have to clean
Stranger: Who made you soup, and took care of you?
You: And wash the dishes...
Stranger: We can sort this out when we move back in together.
You: Are you sure John? I...I would truly understand if you did not wish to...
You: *self-hug*
You: I would respect your boundaries...
Stranger: My marriage is over, Sherlock
Stranger: I'm going to lose the flat, and most of my things.
You: I don't even know if any of my things are still at Baker St.
Stranger: Mrs Hudson donated most of them. I took the skull.
You: Hm.
You: I suppose its time to shake Mycroft up then.
You: Lets see if he can get our chairs and the the sofa back
You: John?
Stranger: Yes, Sherlock?
You: I'm...I don't have friends...
You: But...
You: I am very...Very...glad to have you
Stranger: I'm glad I have you too, Sherlock
Stranger: Even if you are a prissy tart most of the time
You: John!
Stranger: Prove me wrong.
You: ...
You: Does this mean I can grope you now?
Stranger: No, Sherlock.
You: But you said...!
You: See if I wear that red silk now...
You: Mrs. Hudson! Where's my tea?
Stranger: Now she'll poison you.
You: Well then I'm happy I have a doctor right here with me
You: Mrs. Hudson! How nice to see you again...Mrs. Hudson! Put down the skillet!
You: No!
You: John!
You: Mrs. Hudson be reasonable!
Stranger: No, Mrs Hudson, I already hit him.
Stranger: You're not allowed to continue the trend.
You: John Save me!
Stranger: Put the skillet down, Mrs Hudson.
You: I know Mrs. Hudson, I'm sorry.
You: Yes, he hit me, look at my eye
Stranger: Stop cowering behind me, Sherlock.
You: no!
You: Your sweater shall protect me!
Stranger: Sherlock.
You: It always liked me better!
Stranger: She isn't going to hit you, Sherlock.
You: *peek*
You: John, she looks menacing *whisper*
Stranger: She's holding tea. She put the weapon down.
You: Hullo Mrs. Hudson
Stranger: Now go apologize for hurting her too.
You: Do I have to?
Stranger: Consider where your bruised ribs are in relation to my elbows.
You: ...
You: I'm sorry Mrs. Hudson
You: I truly am, and I hope that my absence has not damaged our relationship till its breaking point...
Stranger: He'd also like to ask if we can have the flat back...
You: Yes!
You: You see John's wife
You: is
Stranger: Is going to serve me divorce papers within the week.
You: I did say a month...
Stranger: It is worse than you think, Sherlock.
You: Was Harry visiting then?
Stranger: No. She isn't speaking to me.
You: Ah. Its always that one thing...
Stranger: Drink your tea
You: Yes dear...
You: So Mrs. Hudson?
You: Could John and I move back in?
You: *poke*
Stranger: Don't poke me.
Stranger: She already nodded.
You: Ah
Stranger: Thank you, Mrs Hudson.
You: * I mean I can;t exactly see...*
Stranger: You may get your revenge upon Sherlock with another bucket of water.
You: John!
You: I thought we discussed this!
You: No Mrs. Hudson! No more water
Stranger: Wait until he showers.
Stranger: He's moving in right away.
You: Yes, I would like to be ab;e to stay tonoght
Stranger: I'm sure that would be fine.
You: Thank you Mrs. Hudson, if you would give us a minute now?
You: Ofcourse, I'll see you later
You: Bye Mrs. Hudson
You: Bye
You: Yes, I will
You: Yes. Mrs. Hudson
You: Yes
Stranger: Goodbye, Mrs Hudson.
You: Bye
Stranger: Don't be too hard on him.
You: Why is she not talking to you?
Stranger: I'm sure she'll talk to me later.
Stranger: You're more important right now.
You: I meant your wife
You: Although I do appreciate the priorities shift
You: Hmm...John?
You: How long have you know that I am...
You: That I'm essentially yours?
Stranger: Since after your first case with me.
Stranger: You remember, A Study in Pink.
You: Of course
You: You were the first one to be amazed with my deductions
You: I never had anyone be amazed
You: It was very...pleasing
Stranger: I think it was more... the whole saving your life thing.
You: Why that moment?
Stranger is typing...
Stranger: Because then I knew you needed me.
You: I could have had him
You: I know I had the right pill
Stranger: Sherlock...
You: ...
You: I did need you
You: I needed you then, I needed you during the last 3 years, and by all things scientific I need you now...
Stranger: I'm not going anywhere.
You: Every one of those men had standing orders to kill you at the first sighting of me John...
You: I couldn't rest until they were all gone
You: Until you were safe
Stranger: Well... I'm glad I'm safe now.
You: I am too
You: I'll even be glad to see Mycroft!
You: But not Anderson!
Stranger: You need a hot shower, a good meal, and a warm bed first and foremost.
You: Are you going back to your flat?
You: Because I know we can share the guest bed
Stranger: I probably should return to my flat.
Stranger: Have another silent dinner.
You: Should?
Stranger: Pretend to still be in love.
Stranger: Kick myself, then sleep on the couch.
You: Please stay with me John.
You: We can go to Angelo's
You: You can see him pour wine all over me
You: And then we will come back here
You: To our flat
You: To our home
You: And I can persuade Mrs. Hudson to land me her red silk robe
You: And you won't have to sleep on the couch, its horrible for your leg
Stranger: I'll stay with you, Sherlock.
Stranger: But let's go get your skull first.
You: I can even give you a massage
You: I've gotten good at those
You: Alright )
Stranger: Come on. Skull, then dinner, then home.
You: Right behind you dear.