TITLE: ok, I don't really have a title. So sue me.
RATING: PG for mild language
DISCLAIMER: ha! I own every bit of this! I disclaim to no one!
Ok, just read the thing. I wrote it some afternoon when I was *really* bored and in kind of an absurd mood. Anyhow, I thought it was funny. Just read the damn thing!
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Hello. My name is Dave and I'm a bad guy.
'A bad buy' you sneer. 'one of them' you scoff. Well, it's harder than you realize to be a villain! We're an unappreciated bunch, let me tell you. We work pretty damn hard at what we do, and what do we get from it? Nada! Zilch! We get scorn and contempt. Who admires the bad guy? Who wants to be like them? Absolutely no one. It gets depressing after a while
The heroes have it so good. Yeah, they're the ones who get all the chicks, the praise, the 'good job'. Hey, we bad guys put a lot of effort into our work! I just want a pat on the back every now and then! Oh, and then those friggin good guys show up and destroy everything we've accomplished. And the heroes: They always win in the end. Always. I mean, what's fair about that? Lets have some equality here, people!
To say nothing of the psychological problems that come along with being an evil doer. Everyone hates you and you end up getting taken down in the end anyhow. Losing time and time again does a number on your self esteem. My psychiatrist says I need to believe in myself, but how can I do that when these friggin good guys are beating me against impossible odds! I'm human. I make mistakes every once in awhile, but they never seem to. Do you even know what it's like being compared to people like that?
Plus, do you think it's fun being stupid? It's mandatory! Even the so-called intelligent villains make idiot mistakes and fall for plans a baby could've seen through. And if we do something to show we have an IQ somewhat above that of an eggplant? We're fired! And everyone needs to make a living.
And everyone EXPECTS us to screw up. Everyone EXPECTS us to be stupid. Everyone EXPECTS us to lose. You know what pre-formed opinions are called? Prejudice. People are prejudiced against the villain. I mean, if you have preformed opinions about a certain race, people despise you for being racist. If you have preformed opinions about a certain gender, you're frowned upon as sexist. But if you expect certain things from a villain? Normal. I'm coining a new term. Characterist.
Y'all'r CHARACTERIST!!! Y'hear me! CHARACTERIST!
Ok. I'm calming down. I am a hollow reed. Troubles flow through me like the wind. I am a hollow reed….
My psychiatrist taught me that. Y'see! You don't expect the bad guy to be sensitive or need a psychiatrist, huh? Y'don't, do ya. Characterist again!
I am a hollow reed….
You see what these prejudices do to me? It's heartless is what it is. Pure heartlessness. We have such a hard role. Even if we do something good, we get busted for trying to move in on the good guys' role. Sometimes we get fired for doing something good. Our editors just don't like that. Oh, sure, sometimes a villain'l slip a bit under the table—y'know, pad the editor's pocket—and they'll be allowed to reform, see the error of their ways, become 'good', but we can't all do that. We're trapped in the stereotype. Not all of us have the money or influence to be able to get on the editor's good side.
And don't even let me get into the life expectancy. You know how many 'bad guys' die constantly? Minions are friggin dispensable! Sure, one of the heroes dies every once in a blue moon, but he takes all the bad guys out with him. That's so improbable! A good guy with one gun against a roomful of evil doers with better ones, and he wins? Crazy.
And all you characterists don't even care if some random bad guy dies. Caught ya, there, didn't I? You mourn at the death of a hero and don't blink when Mr. Goody-Two-Shoes bombs our collective asses and sends 15 bad guys sky high. You just let a bit of drool fall from your slack mouth to the ground and say, "Oooooh! Explosioooooon!"
We have no chance! Really. No matter how much training we have or how the odds are stacked for us, we still lose. And this hotshot just waltzes in from nowhere and takes us all out? Just cuz he's got some sort of moral high ground? Puh-leaze!
It's so improbable! Makes no friggin sense! Absolutely insane!
I am a hollow reed, troubles flow through me like the wind.
So here I am. A recovering bad guy with psychological problems and a cynical view of the world. That's why I joined this support group.
What was that? Alcoholics anony….? Goddammit, I screwed up again.