Disclaimer: Nothing belongs to me.
Just a random oneshot based on Manny's thoughts on feelings during 'If You Leave.' I felt that we don't get to see enough of her point of view.
Don't like, don't read.
Jt "talking"
Manny Santos, Degrassi's very own unsung hero, sat on the steps of the high school with tears in her eyes flowing from her big, brown eyes. She involuntarily recalled the events of the past two weeks. Liberty's hands covered in JT's blood as it soaked through her dress, hearing the unwanted, yet inevitable, words that JT had died—no—was murdered, and her best friend's horrendous, cutting words—not to Manny's reputation and pride, but also to her dampened spirits. But, as per usual, Emma Nelson could only see how horrible she felt about all this. Of course.
Tears slid onto her olive cheeks as Manny sobbed, staring out into space. She tried not to blink, for every time she closed her eyes all she could see was JT's pale expression seconds just before he died. The image would be forever burned into Manny's memory, taunting her with guilt.
"Manny?"
Reluctantly, Manny looked up to see Sean Cameron's face staring down at her. She rolled her eyes, quickly getting up.
"Save it, Sean. I don't need to be yelled at by you, too." She said, glaring at him. Manny began to walk down the steps, until Sean grabbed her forearm, and halting her where she stood. "I'm not in the mood."
"Look, if this is about that Damien guy, I-"
She's not like that, Sean.
"What," Manny spoke incredulously, shaking her head. "Get this straight, Sean, he has absolutely nothing to do with this stupid Degrassi versus Lakehurst stupidity! I like him, yes. One person—just one person—killed JT. And, one person is to blame for everything that happened—me. Okay?" Manny gritted her teeth, tugging back her arm. "But all I want is to get pass this, but everyone keeps throwing it back in my face! Even Emma. It's like the more I miss him—the more I try not to—I see how miserable the school is, and nobody will let me forget that JT really is. . ."
Never really gone.
"They're in mourning, Manny." Sean replied.
"And I'm not? JT was my friend, too, damn it!" Manny exclaimed angrily. "I got him killed!"
If only you could hear me.
"No, no you didn't," Sean said, trying to keep his voice down. He didn't want to shout at Manny like everybody else had for something she tried to fix, but couldn't very well control. "You had nothing to do with what happened." His own eyes became glassy as her tried to move closer to Manny, but she backed away in all her fury.
"But you're wrong. I did. It was my stupid party! Mine! I didn't throw it because I cared about Liberty's stupid birthday. I just wanted to forget about Craig and how he had hurt me over and over again. JT paid the price for my stupid mistake—the ones I keep making." Manny sat back down, barely to keep her knees from wobbling uncontrollably.
Sean sighed, sitting by her side. "You weren't the one with the knife, Manny. You didn't stab JT. But—I do know how you feel; how guilty you are. And this is something that won't be easy to ignore, or run away from. Believe me, I've tried. All it did was land me back home where I started."
And they all thought you were some hero. You were. But no one really saw your pain of killing another person. A person that could never find pity in this world. I, too, hated him.
"I just wish that I could somehow go back in time and walk away from Craig when I still had the chance. JT would still be alive." Manny mused aloud, wanting that to be true. "The whole school thinks I'm some traitor to want to move on, for smiling when they're so sad, but-"
Somehow still here.
"Manny, JT wouldn't have wanted for you to feel this bad. If it had been anybody else, he would want to cheer everyone else up, too. I'm sorry for not taking a step back. I didn't try to see things from your point of view." Manny shook her head at Sean's feeble attempt at an apology, much too angry and too sad to accept it. Besides, she knew the real reason why he hadn't bothered to feel mercy for her, and it wasn't because he was angry about JT either; it was because that his love for Emma had blinded him.
But not his true love
"He's gone! And I want to move on." Manny said, getting up once more. She walked back up the steps, and looked into the school through the doors' windows. Oh, how she wanted to break it down. "But more than anything—I want JT alive!"
Sean nodded, seeing what Manny saw: a school that JT should still be in. He draped his arm over Manny's shoulders and pulled her in for a hug. "Deep down, you're still that same scared, insecure, little girl that used to always stand in Emma's shadow. Aren't you?"
Manny sobbed into his chest, taking a fist full of his gray shirt. "Yes!"
Sean felt a sudden urge pulse through his veins, one that was just barely familiar to him. He remembered how Manny had rushed into his arms on the night of JT's death, and he had wanted so much to protect and comfort her. And, Manny fit so perfectly in his hold, as if they were made to hold each other through the bad. . .and perhaps the good as well. Again—he wanted to play the role of her Knight in Shining Armor.
Something that Craig could never be. You're different, Sean.
"You're right. I haven't changed," she whispered.
"Listen to me now, Manny. You're amazing. Yeah, so you make mistakes. But you always try to move passed them, and you don't torture yourself with the past like I do. You're strong, but flawed. That's okay." Sean explained, resting his chin on the top of her head. He accidentally caught a whiff of her Dove shampoo. "Imperfect, but who isn't?"
Manny nodded, pulling away. "I should go home before my parents start to get worried."
"Um, maybe I can walk with you?" Sean inquired.
She smiled a little, placing a light, warm kiss on his cheek. "No, thanks anyway. . .and for being here. We should talk like this again some time." Her deep, liquid brown eyes began to dry as she started walking away, knowing that if she get away fast enough, she could easily fall head over heels in love with her best friend's boyfriend. And, Manny had to remember that following her heart was the very thing that got JT killed in the first place.
Let Craig go, Manny. I don't blame you for what happened. I never did.
Manny paused; hearing the faint sound of what sounded a lot like JT. She chewed her bottom lip, fighting the urge to smile at such a silly pretend game.
There is someone out there who can love you as much as you love them.
Filled with thoughts of Craig, Manny walked down the final step, and took in a breath. A part of her would always love for Craig; however, it was about time that she started taking JT's advice before it was too late.
And so, Manny glanced over shoulder and looked at Sean. Sean looked back at Manny.
Broken and flawed went hand-in-hand with complete and friendship.