Title: Less Than My Best
Author: Crysta Novelli spacecase_7@yahoo.com>
Rating: PG-13
Category/Keywords: D,V, implied MSR
Archiving: Gossamer, Ephemeral, and anyone else who wants it. I just ask that you send me an email letting me know first, so I can experience the short high of knowing someone actually wants it. :-)
Feedback: Love it, can't get enough of it.
Spoilers: Season 8, up through "Invocation"
Disclaimers: My name isn't Chris, it's Crys. I don't own 'em, I just play with them a little and then give them back when I'm done.
Summary: Agent Doggett attempts to come to terms with the results of "Invocation".
Author's Notes: Many thanks to everyone who read "All I'm Asking For" and gave such wonderful feedback. It has made my first foray into the X-Files universe an incredible experience, and inspired me to keep writing. This is for everyone who asked for more Doggett. Thanks also to my roommate, Gillian, for the beta.
Additional Author's Notes: To clear up the confusion I've been noticing in the reviews of this story - this story does not represent my point of view. It represents the thoughts and point of view of Agent Doggett immediately following the Season 8 episode entitled "Invocation." If you have not seen that episode, this vignette may not make the best of sense to you. Before you criticize me I just ask that you realize that I do not necessarily share Agent Doggett's views, and am completely aware of previous X-File plot lines. Agent Doggett, however, is not quite as omniscient as the rest of us x-philes. Thanks! (12/7/00)
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Maybe I succeeded.
We found the remains of a little boy, buried in the ground. Forensics say the bones are those of one Billy Underwood, but I don't buy it. I saw the kid with my own eyes. He was flesh and blood. The doctors drew his blood for crying out loud! His mother hugged him, kissed him, and tucked him into bed. You try telling her that he wasn't real, Agent Scully.
I don't care that the fact that he was 7 years old instead of 17 was impossible. The fact that his bones are lying there in a shallow grave of earth is impossible.
How could I have succeeded if we can't explain this case, Agent? I don't care what the hell Forensics says. Finding Billy Underwood's skeleton in a pit that is 10 years old may solve the case in some people's books, but it doesn't work in mine. I mean, I've heard of ghosts, but I've never heard of anyone holding on to a ghost, let alone taking blood samples from a ghost.
I've always known that I had to see something in order to believe it. Well I've seen this and don't believe it for an instant.
You can tag this case paranormal, supernatural or anomalous, but I don't buy it, and I highly doubt the Underwoods will either. It's a half-assed attempt to explain something by not explaining it at all.
Since I've been assigned to the X-Files I have seen nothing but things that we can't explain that we have labeled with one of those words that appear in most of the case files located in that basement office of Mulder's. Frankly, Agent Scully, I don't know how you do it. I've gone along with it so far because I haven't been able to deny the things I have seen, none of which seem to add up. From your missing partner, to that bat-creature, to the Christ Reborn slug, and now to this boy - none of it adds up. There are more missing links in these cases than in a child's poorly maintained jigsaw puzzle.
Yes, we found Billy's kidnapper. We saved Joshua Underwood from suffering the same fate at the hands of that vile monster who dared call himself a man and prevented any other boys from suffering the same fate as Billy.
But we did not succeed.
You try telling Billy's parents what you just told me, Agent Scully. I bet they won't agree with you any more than I do.
You may have lost a partner, Agent Scully, but you have no idea what it's like to lose a child; to spend years wondering where he is and if you'll ever see him again. I hope you never do, Agent, because it's not something I would wish on my worst enemy.
I can only imagine how much pain you go through every day, wondering when, and if, Mulder will come back to you. But Mulder is not a child who was born of you; a child you helped raise for 7 years; a child you spent every waking moment loving and protecting. You may argue that Mulder is a part of you, but he is not your flesh and blood. There is a difference between a lover and a child. Losing a child is the worst fear a parent can imagine, and the most severe punishment a human can endure.
Yes, Agent Scully, I have worked child abduction cases before. I have experienced it first hand; witnessed it tear good people apart; watched families crumble from the pain and anguish of it all. If you had any idea about my past you would not have asked me that, Agent. You would know why I wanted to catch the son of a bitch who did this.
People want answers, Agent Scully. Concrete answers they can sink their teeth into. They want to know why them; why their child was taken when there are so many others out there. They want to know how someone can steal a child in the first place. They want their child back, Agent, not some lame attempt to justify their loss by slapping a tag on it and calling it case closed.
Ten years ago, the Underwoods lost a child. 2 days ago they got that child back, only to have him disappear once again. What cruel trick of fate would do that to a parent?
I know what you think, Agent - that young Billy came back through some paranormal means to save his younger brother from suffering the same fate he did. But I don't believe in justice beyond the grave any more than I believe in your alien abduction mumbo-jumbo.
You expect the Underwoods to accept this. I can't accept it. You think we should just move on; let it go. I hate to break it to you, Agent Scully, but people don't work that way. The Underwoods aren't going to let this go any easier than you let Mulder go, or Agent Mulder let his sister go, or I let Patrick go. It just doesn't work that way, Agent.
You have no idea where I am with this, Agent Scully. You are so intent on filling your missing partner's shoes that you are missing the big picture. Every other word out of your mouth any more is "paranormal", "alien", or "supernatural". I'm almost at the point where I'd say you've lost your touch on reality. You won't accept my answers when it comes to your missing partner, yet you expect me to accept yours. Well this highway goes both ways.
7 years ago, you believed as I do - that everything has a perfectly logical explanation to it. All cases can be solved by good detective work and basic rules of science. Then all of a sudden your alien-chasing partner disappears and suddenly you've lost all touch of the agent you used to be, eager to label anything out of the ordinary as alien.
Perhaps this is just an attempt to try and hold onto the man you've lost. Because of that I have gone along with you so far. I know how hard it is to let go, Agent Scully, believe me. But becoming Mulder is not the way to find him.
Once again you were unwilling to trust my instincts on this case. You wanted me to throw out all the logical evidence we had that pointed to Ronny. You told me I was breaking the law by digging into his juvenile records, and maybe I was, but it worked, didn't it? My hunch paid off and I found the monster that kidnapped Billy and almost got his brother.
I don't know how you can rest; how you can accept not finding the truth. Have all these years with the X-Files made you a believer, like the poster on Mulder's wall suggests? But what is it you believe in, Agent Scully? That not everything has an answer? Or that everything that happens that is unexplainable or impossible is the fault of aliens, or supernatural beings that we humans can't possibly comprehend?
Did all those years of not being able to explain things; all those years of "failing" make you able to accept this as success? Well, if that's the case, Agent Scully, I don't know whether to commend you or pity you for being able to detach yourself so much, and gain satisfaction for something you "solved" by labeling it impossible and anomalous.
I can't do that, Agent Scully. I can't, and I won't. This is not success to me. This is something else; not quite failure, but definitely not success.
One thing I learned long ago was to never settle for anything less than my best. This, Agent Scully, is definitely not my best, whether you're willing to see that or not.
~*~ Fin ~*~
*Additional author's notes: I took the liberty of giving the child in the photograph a name. Hopefully CC is planning on providing us with a more in depth look into this intriguing agent's past, but until then I thought Patrick would be a fitting name.