To Find Myself
Chapter 1
Bigger Problems
This is something I wrote I'm still a young writer so please don't judge to harshly if you have any tips for me please leave a comment thanks.
Suddenly my life rushes back to me, all 16 years of it. I remember everything every dumb fight, every time I hurt someone else to make myself look better. I realize I really messed up and I feel sick with myself, sick with my old self. I'm different now though. Amazing what finding you have a deadly disease can do. I think sarcastically. My name is Marie and I used to be popular I was pretty, athletic, and had the cutest boyfriend. Back then I didn't think I had flaws now I see them all clearly. I was mean, a terrible person I insulted others to get what I wanted. The sad thing was I wasn't like that until middle school when my mom died. I dropped all my old best friends and forgot everything that I used to be. I even left my best friend when all she did was understand me. Now when I think of that last fight it makes me cry. It was the summer before sixth grade and she was at my house (she always was). I was crying I was still upset about my mom of course I was she died three months before. And all Ann was trying to do was help.
"Marie I'm sorry about your mom, but I'm worried about you" she told me worriedly.
"What do you have to be worried about?" I said bitterly.
"You've barely spoken to me and you're not eating enough you're going to get sick". What she said reminded me of my mom, everything did now. I remembered how when I was sick she would get so worried and she would use her soft voice and hold me until my coughing stopped and I was sound asleep but she wasn't there to do that for me now. Ann didn't have the right to play as my mother. Now I see how dumb my logic was and I see that she was just trying to help.
"What's your problem? I don't need you telling me what's wrong I know what's wrong. It's you always telling me what I need to do that's not your job I can take care of myself! "At this point I was practically screaming at her.
"Marie I wasn't trying to tell you what to do. I know you're going through a tough time but-"I didn't let her finish
"No you don't know! You have a mom! Mines dead!"
"Marie please just-"she pleaded.
"No you listen I don't need you so just shut up and leave me alone! I hate you!"
At that Ann with tears in her eyes ran downstairs used our house phone to call her mom. It made me so mad to see her running to her mom when she left. Later my dad knocked on my door to ask what was wrong but I told him to go away and he did. He was just as broken as I was. Part of me did want him to leave me alone but another bigger part wanted him to try harder to talk to me to hug me and tell me it was okay but he didn't. That's when I decided to change and when school started that year I ignored Ann and hung out with the mean popular people I swore I would never speak to just a year before and seeing how much it hurt Ann made me happy. I'm disgusted with my old self. Thinking of that day makes me cry but I quickly wipe my tears away when I hear a knock at the door. It's Claire my nurse she's about 5o I think. She is the kindest woman I have ever met she has that whole grandmother feeling to her and always smells like cinnamon.
"Oh good gracious child why are you crying?" she asks.
"I'm not just a yawn I guess" I lie.
"Child those are tears and I've seen plenty myself around here and it breaks my heart every time so you better stop before I get emotional" she says giving me a gentle hug.
I dry my eyes and take the medicine she came to give me and she gives me one last hug and leaves. I take out my pen and start thinking of story ideas. I love to write and always have but I dropped it when I became "popular" it was too "lame". I haven't had any story ideas though lately and that makes me a little upset I end up doodling until around 10:30 p.m. and fall into a restless sleep. I dream I'm in a giant hourglass that someone has tipped over and the sand pours over my head and gathers at my feet. The sand is pure white. I try to scream but I can't every time I open my mouth sand fill it until I choke. I beat the walls with my fists until my hand become bruised and black. It's no use no one is around I'm alone. I pray to every god I've ever heard of to save me but still no one hears my hopeless pleas for help. The sand just continues to get higher and higher until it's up to my chin filling my mouth making me cough and gasp for breath the sand enters my eyes and makes them burn. I fight until I black out and wake up in my hospital bed sweating with anxious faces of doctors surrounding me. This has happened nearly every night and I'm scared to go to sleep. It's morning now 9:oo a.m. a Friday and I think of Jessica my best friend through high school getting ready for some party while I'm stuck here. I ember her birthday party last year before I knew I was sick. I remember freaking out over my hair. Stressing over how the stringy gold strand would never stay in one place. I ember freaking out over my outfit and changing it a million times until I finally settled with a cute black skirt that showed off my nice long legs and a nice cute black top the showed a little bit too much in the front but it was a party right and I had to look good for my boyfriend. I also wore heals so painful I had to fight not to wince every time I took a step. All I can think of now is how dumb I was being wearing hell heals chasing after some guy that would cheat on me and treat me like crap. It was important then I guess. I heard Jessica's car horn outside and looked out she was driving me in her brand new mustang she got for her sixteenth to the club she was having her party at. I hurried up and took some Tylenols. I was having some pretty painful headaches. Those headaches were the start of my illness. No one knew they would develop into the cancer I have now. No one knew I had only a year to live and to think I thought my biggest problem was my hair.