Title: Toilet Paper, Eggs, and Beer! Oh My!

Author: WickedGame

Archive: FFnet, MediaMinerorg, anyone else needs only to ask

Category: Humor

Rating: M or NC-17

Warnings: Shojo Ai, Yaoi, foul language.

Notes: Fifth story in my Drunken Debauchery Series. Betaed by FantasyOrReality.

Disclaimer: I do not own Gundam Wing. I do not own the song "Singin' In the Rain" or "Believe in Heaven" (ending theme to Mythical Detective Loki Raganarok).

"Shhh. Damn it! I was only able to distract the guards for so long!" Heero snapped quietly to his co-conspirators as they walked drunkenly across the large lawn of the Peacecraft estate. It was bad enough that they were carrying several grocery bags apiece, but then Duo had insisted on bringing the beer too.

"The beer bottles are as much a part of a good old fashioned yard vandalizing as the toilet paper and eggs!" Duo hissed back, the beer bottles clinking in the cooler.

"You fuckers just had to decide to do this to Relena's place, didn't you?" Trowa asked sarcastically.

"If you didn't want to come you didn't need to," Quatre reminded him.

"Whatever. All for one and all for one and all the buddy like shit," Trowa threw a cigarette down on the grass and stamped it out. The oak tree in front of them was perfect for this type of fun, as well as the various birch, poplar, and apple trees around them.

"Relena is going to hate us for this," Wufei reminded them.

"Pretty pink princess has been complaining that she wants to be treated like one of the normal people. Most people that are normal go through some sort of teasing. This is our way of trying to help her remove that stick she seems to have been born with up her ass," Duo unwrapped a roll of the toilet paper, unrolled a bit of it, and launched it into the air. It created a lovely white arc in the air as it passed over and then caught onto a branch. The remainder fell down to the ground again. Trowa and Quatre took up residence next to the apple tree, while Heero settled for the birches. Wufei took a beer and the ten dozen eggs they had purchased and went to make friends with the sidewalk.

"Singing in the rain," crack! "Just singing in the rain!" crack! "What a glorious feeling," crack! "I'm happy again!" crack!

Wufei sang the famous show tune and then broke into Japanese, "Fukai kiri wo saite," crack! "Tsukiakari ga terashita michi," crack! "Dare mo mina mayoi nagara," crack! "Samayotteru ashita e to," crack! "Kodoku no machi de," crack! "Kataritsugu shinwa sae," crack! "Habamaresou na Yami wo nuketeyuku!" crack!

Crack, crack, crack, crack, crack!

"Wufei! Why do you have to be so damned loud with the fucking eggs?" Duo asked.

"Slate walkways. Damned eggs crack loudly on them," Wufei explained, emptying a whole dozen onto the doorstep for Relena to slip on in the morning.

"Hey Heero, how did you distract the guards?" Quatre asked.

"Three porn videos featuring female orgies and two hundred credits apiece," Heero shrugged.

"How the fuck did you afford that?" Duo asked.

"I didn't. Relena paid them, although she is not aware of it yet," Heero chuckled.

An hour later, the trees were thoroughly decorated with swaths of white paper, and the sidewalks were peppered with eggs, and beer bottles were idly lying around on the grass.

Speaking of idle, the five pilots were also partaking of lying around in the grass. Too drunk to move yet, and admiring their handiwork, they relaxed until the inebriation let up enough to insure they would walk out of here intact.

"Limo?" Quatre slurred.

"Limo," the others agreed. Quatre flipped open his cell and pressed the very first button.

"Limo. Peacecraft's. Front gate," Quatre told whomever answered the phone and then closed it.

"You know what would be great?" Duo asked. The others groaned. Whenever Duo thought something would be great it usually involved getting in trouble.

"I know I am going to regret asking this, but what?" Wufei asked.

"Having sex right here, right now, on 'Lena's lawn!" Duo laughed, and then rolled on top of Heero. Heero stared at Duo like he was not even sure what Duo's name was. Duo quickly unbuttoned Heero's jeans, and Wufei stood up abruptly.

"Oh no, fuck no! You are not blowing him right there in front of me!" Wufei stalked off and went to go sit near the rose garden. They had left that untouched because Relena loved her roses very much. They just wanted her to be a little pissed, not so pissed she would have them arrested. It just would not do to have Preventer agents arrested for toilet papering a house.

All of a sudden the resumed calm was broken with a repeated series of hisses. All of a sudden, five voices erupted in screams as cold water hit their bodies. Sprinklers. Hundreds of automatically timed sprinklers.

"You remembered the porn, but not the sprinklers?" Duo yelled the question as they drunkenly ran for the front gate. Their clothes were thoroughly soaked, and Quatre laughed when Trowa tripped in a gopher hole and fell in a patch of mud.

"Alcohol will dull anyone's senses, even mine," Heero shook his hair as they reached the relative dryness of the front gate. As if on cue, the limo pulled up to meet the five soaked pilots.

&&&

Relena moved away from her bedroom window, still clutching her sides in laughter.

"Relena? What's going on?" Dorothy asked from their spacious bed.

"Oh, I just knew they were going to come after me eventually," Relena giggled. The exploits of the pilots had become almost infamous in the circles they ran in. No one really disapproved. After all, it was the nature of young men to run around and do stupid shit.

"What did they do?" Dorothy asked, coming out from underneath the blankets and sheets and padding across the carpet to her lover. She peeked out the window and let out a hearty laugh.

"I will call the gardeners in the morning. Then I will send the bill to Heero Yuy," Relena smiled and walked back towards the bed. Once back in bed, Relena snuggled up close to the person most people suspected was just her assistant.

"Look at it this way Princess," Dorothy said with a wry smile, "This is just to get back at him for all those threats on your life back during the war. If I were you, I would even send a little teddy bear with the bill."