Fuck. How in the hell did this happen? Fuck, fuck, fuck. I gaze over at the
shadow of my newly acquired lover, moaning with regret. This never should
have happened. fuck. Pan left-the sun is rising, and specks of dust dance
about in the morning rays. Oh god. I've definitely been around Mark much
too long. I let my head hit my pillow, pulling my blankets closer to me.
This should have never happened.
The shadow stirs, and the figure turns to face me. "Morning." A soft hand brushes against my cheek, and I tense. No, no, no. No touching, no feeling, no emotion. This shouldn't of happened.
I feel myself pull away, sitting up. My lover looks at me with confusion. Shit. Never should have let this happen. I groan, and take a deep breath. "Listen-Mark-We need to talk."
The slender filmmaker shoots up. You can tell he's worried, confused, and thinking the worst-which he should. "What's the matter, Rog?"
I cringe at his voice. So innocent, so naive. "Look, I know last night we both had a lot to drink." He turned away, knowing what was coming next, "And."
"And you think that it would be best if we forgot about this, and just went back to being friends, being roommates."
"You think so too? 'Cause that would be GREAT!"
Mark climbed out of my bed, sliding his boxers on and gathering his clothes in his arms. "Fuck you, Roger."
"But. I thought-"
"WELL MAYBE YOU SHOULDN'T BE SO QUICK AT ASSUMING THINGS!!" Without another word, he was gone.
***
I slammed my door after entering my room. Dammit, Roger is such an idiot. But if he's the stupid one, why am I the one crying? Why am I the one who was hurt? Seeing my camera laying on my bed, I snatched it up.
"Heartbreak-Day One. Well, here I am. used again. Fuck! How could I let this happen? I mean, I know Roger's straight. but. last night. the things he said, the way he touched me." I took the focus of the camera off me, "Pan around Mark's room. Empty, like his life. Nothing warm, nothing personal." Then the camera fell on my bed, and my little cover was blown. Laying on my bed was my dirty little secret-a white baby seal. "CUDDLY!" I squeaked, grabbing at it. Turning the camera back to myself and the stuffed animal, I corrected myself. "Well. maybe one thing."
Sighing, I stared into Cuddly's one eye. His white fur had turned gray over time, and his whiskers were bent from my strange habit of chewing on them when I was young. "I always thought Roger would be my real Cuddly. I mean, my safety blanket. the one thing that no matter what would be there to make everything better." I curled around my seal, "But I guess I was wrong."
***
Fuck. Fuck everything. Fuck this world, fuck New York, and fuck Mark. Mark *liked* me. Damn, how could I be so blind? He must have always have, and last night while I was drunk.
Fuck. Mark wouldn't take advantage of me. Hell, if I remember correctly, I was the one doing all the work. Who was I kidding? I had a couple drinks hours before. I wasn't drunk. I remembered everything. Every word I said, every promise I made. God, Mark must hate me. I wonder what he's thinking. He's probably clinging to that stupid bear-thing that he thinks I don't know about, crying into his camera. I think I can actually hear him. god dammit. what am I going to do?
***
Time passes. I think I got some pretty good shots of myself being utterly pathetic, and god knows I never have enough of that. Sheesh. But now I know what I have to do. I have to talk to Roger. I have to tell him how I feel. I practice it,
"Roger-I love you. You are my best friend, my confidant, my life. Last night I realized how much I need you, and how much you need me too. So there!"
Groaning, I kick myself inside. Am I an idiot or what? Oh well. I gotta do this. I open my door, and step outside my room. "ROGER! .Roger?"
***
Shit. I take a puff of my cigarette, and continue to plead. "Please Frankie. I need 300, and I can't take anything less. You know the Fender's worth that. and I'm throwing in the ring. Don't make me go get the NYPD and bust your ass for all the shady deals you do."
"I just can't do it."
"FRAKIE! God dammit. You can keep the ring! Mimi's dead, no point in proposing now!"
The gruff voice behind the counter replies, "Fine, fine. but just this once, Roger! No more favors!" He thrust the crumpled bills at me.
***
"Hello?"
"OH THANK GOD! Collins, have you seen Roger?"
"Fuck. he didn't tell you, did he? Dammit, I knew he was lying."
"What are you talking about, Collins?"
"Roger just called to tell me he's going away again. He says he doesn't know where."
"FUCK!"
***
I headed to the counter, "How far will $300 dollars cash get me?"
God I hate the sound of those people at the counter typing. It is literally impossible for humans to type that fast. "Um. if you can leave immediately, I can squeeze you onto a flight to Seattle."
"Sold."
***
I called his mother, his father, every ex he ever had, all the numbers I had ever been given for Santa Fe, and everyone in my address book. No one knew where Roger was. Apparently he had only called Collins.
***
Seattle wasn't too bad. with my carry-on bag slung over my shoulder, I entered a café. Maybe some coffee would wake me up. It should have been night, but with the time zone changes the sun still shone into the café.
I sat in a stool at the bar. Soon I was given my black coffee, and I drank it in almost one swallow. I looked around the café, searching for a friendly face. Soon the person I was looking for appeared. Sitting alone was a girl no more then 16 years of age. She had a little boy's haircut that was jet black, and her was nose buried in a sketchbook. A cigarette was sitting, smoke curling above her, in the ashtray. And leaning against her table. her acoustic guitar.
Picking up my bag, I moved my way over to her. "Hey. I'm Roger. Mind if I sit here?"
She looked up, and laughed. "Sorry Roger, I'm gay."
I sat down, "So?" I glanced at her, "Mind if I bum a cigarette?"
"No." She handed me one, smiling. "I'm Mel."
I lit the fag, and took a long drag. "Nice to meet you Mel. And thanks for the." I lifted the cigarette.
"No problem." She laughed, glancing at her subject of the moment, before drawing some more. "So what brings you here? I haven't seen you before."
I laughed back, "Well. I just arrived from New York."
She looked up suspiciously, "New York, huh? And what drew the big-time New Yorker over to the little dyke who drove into Seattle from god knows where for a cup of coffee?"
"Well, to tell the truth, your guitar."
"It's not for sale."
"I know, I just figured you couldn't be too bad if you play."
She looked up, smiling. "So where's yours, New York?"
"In some pawnshop back home. Pawned it to get here. It was a total rip-off, too. I had a Fender."
She giggled playfully, "Ahh! Brand names!"
I rolled my eyes, and for the first time looked at her sketchbook, "Hey. you're good."
"Thanks. I try." She looked to a different person, and started drawing again. "He's my version of the Mona Lisa." She started to motion around the room to many different men, "He's got that guys nose, his chin, his cheekbones, that one's forehead, and your eyes."
I shuddered with the last two words. "Wow. uh, thanks."
She made eye contact with me, "You never answered my question."
"Which question?"
"Why are you here? In this café? Instead of, you know, in New York or something."
"I had a run-in with a friend."
"So instead of working it out you ran away to Seattle?" She laughed, shaking her head, turning back to her book.
"Yeah, you could say that."
"Keep going."
"Well, see, what happened was. my best friend Mark, see, he's bisexual. Well Mark and I, well. we. and."
She dropped her pencil, and looked up to me, giving me her full attention.
Before she could speak, I changed the subject. "Can I fiddle around on your guitar?"
"Uh. yeah." I took it out of it's soft case, and began to tune it. "So you're saying you fucked your best friend then fled town?"
I looked up, "Yeah, you could say that." I smiled, then started to pick out Musetta's Waltz.
"Wow, Roger. I'm impressed. You're the most fucked-up person I've met in a while." She paused thoughtfully, "That's really good. What is it?"
"Musetta's Waltz from Puccini's opera 'La Bohème'. I use it to warm up."
"You're not that bad. you ever think about doing something in music?"
"Maybe." Softly as possible, I began to sing 'Glory' if for nobody but myself.
"Wow yet again. you are good! I like that. who's it by?"
Laughing to myself, I smiled. "The lead singer of a now-defunct group called the 'Well Hungarians'. the group split after he started using smack, and he wrote it when he found out he was HIV+." And as if by some cruel cosmic joke, my pager went off. Growling under my breath, I muttered "AZT Break." and with my track-marked arm popped my pills.
Mel blinked, obviously putting it together. "So tell me more about this lead singer."
"His girlfriend was also a junkie. She found out about the AIDS, and killed herself in his bathtub only leaving a note saying that he too had it."
"That sucks."
I looked up, snapping, "No shit."
***
Ohgodohgodohgod. "Um, hi. I was wondering if you had a Roger Davis on any of your flights to Santa Fe?" Why was I even checking? Roger always drove! I sigh. You're checking because 'Frankie' said that Roger didn't get the car, only cash.
"Um." The perky voice paused, "Sorry sir, none to Santa Fe. but we had a Roger Davis fly to Seattle-Tacoma International Airport this morning."
SHIT! Seattle. that is far. "Oh. Okay, nevermind then. Thanks anyway."
I plopped down on the couch, sobbing. How could he do this to me? I grabbed my camera again. Got to capture this all, I told myself, You'll want to remember it later. "Roger's in Seattle. I don't know where, but he's there. I don't know when he'll be back either, if ever. I hope he calls."
***
"Well, I think you're an idiot."
I blinked. This teenage lesbian was insulting me? "What?"
"You're an idiot. It's obvious. You love this Mark guy."
"No I don't! I'm straight! He's my best friend!"
She laughed, "Roger, you're not straight. You come into a café on Capitol Hill, which by the way is the gay district of Seattle, and come sit by me having no interest whatsoever, play a song from an opera, then tell me you boinked your buddy and you're miserable without him. To me, that doesn't sound very straight." She glanced at her watch, "SHIT! I'M LATE!" She grabbed her book, her guitar, and her fags. "Bye Roger! Maybe I'll see you around again! Good luck with Mark! YOU NEED IT!" And with that, she was gone.
***
"Marky, honey, get some sleep!"
"She's right Mark. you can't stay up all night."
"But. the time zones! He could call at any time!"
Maureen and Joanne exchanged worried looks, and seemed to mentally agree on something.
"Fine Mark. but promise you'll go to bed soon?" Joanne seemed concerned. Maureen seemed less then enthusiastic.
"Promise." I had my fingers crossed. I could never get sleep, even if Roger was home. So I would faithfully sit next to the phone until he called. if he called. He had to call, right? My two friends said their goodbyes, and left.
Again, I grabbed my camera. Was I really that much of a wimp? I couldn't even go five minutes without picking it up again. Roger was right. I hide in it. "Close in on the phone. Still no word from Roger. Maybe this time it is for good."
I shut it off, sighing softly. I pressed my eyes shut, hoping for my world to disappear. The phone began to ring. I knew it had to be either Collins or my mother. No one else would dare call this late. but I wasn't in the mood for talking.
"Speak!"
".Mark? You there? Damn, I forgot. it's late. you're probably asleep."
My heart skipped a beat. I leapt at the phone, scooping up the receiver and pressing it against my ear. "ROGER!" My voice cracked. Damn, I must have sound too excited.
"Hey."
"Where are you? Are you okay?"
***
Shit. Why does he always have to care? I don't deserve it. "I'm fine, *mother*. I'm in Seattle."
"Oh."
***
I knew he was in Seattle! Why did I even bother asking? "Um. why did you call?"
***
Why did I call? Because I wanted to make sure you were okay, wanted to hear your reassuring voice, wanted to hear you beg me to come back. "I left some stuff there." .can I come home to it?
***
My heart dropped. "You. you want me to send it to you?"
"Uh. yeah. that would be good."
"Where are you staying?" He gave me some address, and I wrote it on the palm of my hand. Might have been worthwhile if I hadn't been sweating so badly. "Can I have your phone number?"
"I. I. No. It's too soon."
"Oh. is that it, then?"
"I guess so."
"Roger?"
"Yeah?"
***
"Is this the end of us? I. I mean, our friendship?"
His voice seemed to be pleading. I hated hurting him. "I. don't know. I. gotta go. Bye Mark."
"Bye-" I hung up the phone.
***
"-Roger."
The next week passed uneventfully for me. I sat. Sometimes shooting myself, other times just plain sitting. Mom called a couple times. I let the machine get it. Eventually Collins called her and explained. too bad he didn't even know the truth. No one did. I didn't just loose a friend. I lost a love.
On the one week anniversary of Roger's departure, I awoke to find Joanne waiting for me in my room. "Nice seal."
I blinked slowly, comprehending what was going on. Laughing softly, I grabbed for my glasses. "Thanks. what are you doing here so early?"
"It's 3 PM, Mark."
I blinked, and checked my watch. Of course, she was right. "Well then, why are you here?" I peered around, "I'm assuming *Honeybear* isn't here, because I can't hear her wailing."
She laughed and sat down on the bed, "She doesn't know I'm here."
I merely blinked.
"I'm worried about you, Mark. Normally when Roger runs away you work on your films and stay optimistic that he'll be back. you've changed, Mark." She paused, searching for words. "You have to lighten up. I mean, it's not like you were with Roger or anything. he's gonna come back, and you two will be best buds again. Don't worry."
I sighed, and pulled my comforter tighter around me. I doubt she noticed or cared that underneath the blankets I was naked. "Joanne. out of all my friends, I am farthest from you and yet we probably have the most in common." She smiled, nodding. I continued, "So can I confide something in you?"
"Of course."
"Promise to tell no one, not even Maureen?"
"I promise."
***
The past week really sucked. I paced around the streets of downtown Seattle moping. I would have gone to this really great looking place that was called the Experience Music Project (it was dedicated to Jimi Hendrix) but I didn't have the money. Nothing else worthwhile happened.
And I never got my stuff.
***
Joanne and I were growing closer. Everyone noticed, too. I mean, how could they not? She was the only one I would even respond to. I think they thought I was replacing Roger with Joanne, but in reality she was the only one who I trusted with my secrets. Maureen would blab, Collins would get depressed over Angel again, and Roger was the one who created my secrets. So I had Joanne.
***
Fuck, Mark. Why didn't you send me my stuff? Why can't I just forget about you? Why have I spent every moment fussing over you? Why can't I just move on?
I need to talk to him, ask him what he thinks. I pick up the hotel room's phone, and dial my old number.
***
"Joanne, stay a little longer? It gets so lonely here."
Sighing, she sat. "Of course Mark."
"Thanks."
We both turned, staring at the phone. As if it were a ritual, we both mutter, "We screen."
"Speak!"
***
SHIT! Mark, you have to be home! You have to be going as crazy as I am! You have to be upset, too! Boiling with anger, I submissively mutter, "Mark?"
***
Joanne stares at me as I reach my pale long fingers over and caress the phone. Suddenly afraid, I recoil.
"JUST PICK IT UP!"
I lift the receiver and place it against my ear. "Hi." I scoot closer to Joanne, tilting the phone so we both can hear.
***
"How. how are you?" I run my hand through my hair as I throw myself down on my bed. This is all too confusing.
***
Jo grasps my hand tightly, giving her most supportive of looks. "I'm okay. How about you?"
***
He's okay? Shit. that must mean he's moved on, and by calling I'm just dragging him down. "I've been horrible. I feel so bad about how we left things."
***
I squeeze Jo's hand tightly, my heart racing. "Roger-I. I lied."
"About what?"
"I'm shitty. New York isn't the same without you." I felt like I was going to pass out. If it weren't for Jo being there, I probably would have.
***
Laughing softly, I close my eyes. "You really are a liar."
"No-seriously, Roger. I. I miss you."
I sit up, biting my lower lip softly. What do I say to that? "Mark-about how we left things."
***
Tears brim in my eyes. "Forget it. Everything's forgiven. Come home." Forget brimming. I'm sobbing. "Please. please Roger, come home. I need you here." A dial tone follows.
***
Shit! I'm such an ass. why did I hang up on him? I. I couldn't think. I need air. I need air. Maybe a change of scenery would be good. Slinging my backpack of things over my shoulder, I say goodbye to my trashed hotel room.
***
Clinging to Joanne, I know I need to come up for air eventually. Ever since I hung up with Roger I haven't stopped wailing. I'm drowning in tears. "He hates me!"
"No, honey. he doesn't. he wanted to fix it."
"HE WANTED CLOSURE! HE WANTED TO FORGET ME!"
***
"Hi-Mom? It's me. can I borrow some money?"
***
"Roger could never do that."
I shot Joanne the coldest stare I could muster, "You don't know Roger."
***
"Hi, I'd like to book."
***
My companion didn't leave until the early hours of the morning. until I collapsed, actually. All night I stayed up, doing anything to get my mind off the phone conversation that I had earlier. I must have had at least ten things going at once. At about 7 AM, my body gave out, and Joanne crept out the door.
***
"Here's the money. take it all. I just need it."
***
I'm sure you all know the movie 'The Shining'. I mean, who doesn't? Well, when I woke an hour later, I felt like Jack Nicholson during the famous 'all work and no play' scene. I mean, why not take my camera and eerily say into it over and over 'All work and no Roger makes Mark a dull boy'. seriously!?!
Had to get my mind off Roger had to get my mind off Roger. Stumbling out of bed wearing what I had been when I had fallen asleep (which was all of my clothes, including my shoes), I climbed into the living room. Maybe a video would help.
Staring at the selection made me realize how everything made me think of Roger. Okay, so not a movie. maybe. maybe. I turned, scanning the apartment. Plastered over the walls are posters displaying my friend's face. I sigh. Maybe I just need to leave.
A sharp knock comes from the door. I don't respond. The knock becomes more frantic, "IF IT'S JOANNE, GET SOME SLEEP. IF IT'S BENNY, FUCK OFF. IF IT'S MAUREEN OR COLLINS. NOT NOW!!"
***
I blinked. Mark had that much anger built up in him? Setting my hand on the handle, I see it's unlocked. Like always. I slowly turn the handle.
***
"I SAID GO AWAY! I WANT TO BE ALONE!" Didn't they fucking understand?????
***
After coming inside, I carefully set my bag and newly re-bought guitar on the floor. I wanted to shout out that I was home, but. I was afraid. Afraid of rejection.
***
I turned, ready to shout until I exploded, when I found a very meek-looking Roger standing in my doorway, his things at his side. My mind raced.
"You. you sure you want to be alone?"
"No. I'm not sure."
"Can I come in?"
"You say that like this isn't your loft too."
***
I laughed softly and took another step in, "You mean it?"
"Yeah, I mean it. Now get over here, you!"
I ran up him, and wrapped my arms around my roommate in a friendly hug.
***
Feeling his body next to mine made me cry again. I pulled him close, grasping his shirt so he wouldn't disappear before my eyes. I took a deep breath in, smelling him, remembering him. We stayed like this for an extremely abnormal length of time.
***
Seeing him, feeling him. It made everything come back. Everything that led up to that night. It made me sick. But, in a good way. My stomach did somersaults and my head was spinning. Finally pulling away, I looked at Mark completely puzzled. "We still need to talk."
Blushing furiously, he fell onto the couch. "Look-Roger-I guess I'm with you. We'll just forget about it."
Feeling my own face burn, I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, "Is that what you want though, Mark?"
***
Is that what I want? Hell no! I wish we could start back at that morning, and when I woke up I would find the Roger I had gone to bed with! Before I could answer, he sat next to me.
"Mark. how long have you, you know, liked me?"
My heart dropped into the pit of my stomach. Why was he asking me this now? "Roger, I have always liked you! You know that! You're my best friend, a brother!"
***
I take a deep breath, preparing myself. "I didn't mean it like that, Mark. I meant it as more of a 'how long have you been attracted to me' type of thing. I mean, I've known forever that you liked guys, but how long have you liked me?!?!"
"Oh."
***
How long have I been attracted to him? Oh god. I don't know. "Well, Roger. The first time I saw you I knew you were beautiful. different then the rest. special. And as we grew to be best friends, that was enough. We were MarkandRoger. That I think was all I wanted."
***
Understand. I. help. "Is. that why Maureen was.?"
***
Oh god! Not Maureen! I shook my head, "I don't know if why the only relationship I ever was in was because of you or not, Roger. I always thought that I only wanted you as a friend."
***
Thought? I was so beyond lost.
"But. when we. when you said. when you said you loved me. I realized that I love you too, Roger. as more then a friend."
The room was spinning. I *had* said that to Mark. I had said everything imaginable, and then fled the next morning.
***
My heart was racing. I'm sure my heaving chest was quite obvious. "I guess we can't go back to being 'just friends' now, huh?"
Roger looked up, his eyes watering. or was he crying? "I. I don't think so."
I bit my lip, "I guess I'll be the one to go this time."
***
I snapped to, the cold reality of what Mark was saying finally hitting me. "NO! .I mean. no, Mark."
He stared at me, the hurt in his eyes, "Why not? I mean, us both living here isn't going to work. I mean, if I'm in love with you and you're, you know, straight. it just won't work. So one of us has got to go, and this time it should probably be me." He looked so small and vulnerable.
"Shut up, Mark." I leaned in, kissing him passionately.
***
What's going on? Last I knew I was moving out, and I must have fainted or something because I swear Roger's got his tongue in my mouth. and now I swear he's pushing me down onto the couch with his hands down my pants!!!! THIS IS NOT KOSHER!!! I push him off of me, wide eyed. "ROGER!"
He looks up, confused.
"What are you doing?"
He merely blinks.
I wave my hand in front of Roger's eyes, to check to make sure he's really 'all there' and exhale in disbelief. "Roger, what the fuck happened in Seattle to make you do this?"
"I had coffee and a smoke with an underage lesbian."
My turn to blink.
"I met her in a café on the first day, and told her everything, and. she said I loved you. I didn't believe her, but I spent the rest of the time I was in Seattle thinking about it, and. she was right!"
***
I laugh softly, sliding closer to my beloved. "I do, Mark! I don't think I even fully realized it until this moment, but I love you! I want to be with you!"
***
Wow. Shock. overload. blink. "I. I love you too! But. this is all so unexpected!"
"Mark, I said it before and I'll say it again. Shut up." With his touch my entire body relaxed, melting. He kissed me again and again, and I was too scared and excited to do anything.
***
I loved Mark! I LOVE Mark! And I'm not afraid to show it, even on my own living room couch! I pull his shirt from his slender body, revealing more of his snow-white skin. Showering his body with hot steamy kisses, I felt his back arc under my weight. I worked at his pants. How his pants and the rest of our clothing got off I'm not quite sure as it all seemed to move as a blur.
***
I had never experienced anything like what I was experiencing at that moment. Our fleshy bodies rubbing against each other, our hands massaging each other, our wet lips wandering. It was beautiful, it was erotic, it was perfect. I let out a shrill cry, and it echoed throughout our loft.
I didn't see it, but I heard everything. The slam. Three voices. A scream. The owner of the screaming voice fall. Roger was quickly off of me, our moment over.
***
The door blasted open, and I heard shouting. I think they thought Mark was hurt or something.
***
Grasping like crazy for the nearby blanket, I threw it over mine and Roger's exposed bodies. Instantaneously I found my glasses and placed them on my nose.
Joanne was attending to the fallen Maureen, and Collins was standing there in awe.
***
Not knowing what to do, a million emotions flooded me. Most of them were screaming at me to run, but I picked one and followed it. I turned to Mark, and examined his face. Tears streaked his face and he was shaking. And I was the one who had done this to him. I could have locked the door, I could have had us leave the room, I could have done anything. But no. I forced him into this situation, and I was now wanting to run again.
Sighing, I firmly grasped his hand. Kissing it softly, I turned to the others. "Hi. I'm home."
***
Joanne's fine with it, Collins still is in shock, and Maureen is in denial. Since she passed out, she's assuming she's dreaming still. Sometimes that ex of mine can be amazingly ditzy.
We still haven't been able to get dressed, everyone's still sitting here in the living room. Roger hasn't freed my hand, and I don't think anyone knows how thankful I am for that.
Everyone's looking at me now. I guess I'm supposed to talk. "Um. Hi everybody. I'm bi?"
***
Smooth one Mark. rolling my eyes, I snuggle into him. "Okay. Um, see, before I left, something happened between Mark and I. I got scared, and ran. While I was gone I realized that I love Mark. So now I'm back, and we're together."
Joanne laughed, "Classic love story, huh?"
Mark shot her a playful glare, but it was quickly wiped away as Maureen gave him a swift smack across the face. I leapt to my feet, not realizing that I was giving everyone a free show, trying to make up my mind on whether I should go after Maureen or care for Mark.
Collins blinked. "Roger. you, uh."
My eyes bugged out, and I dashed to my room.
***
Rubbing my sore face, I pouted at Maureen. "What was that for?"
"FOR MAKING ME FAINT! And. and for. you know." She made a very disgusted face.
"No I don't Maureen. For what? For falling in love with someone of the same sex, like you did? Or like Collins did?"
Not wanting to be dragged into this, Collins backed up. I don't know what happened, but he disappeared.
***
A soft knock came from my door. I recognized it immediately. "Come in, Collins."
My door opened, and my professor friend appeared. "Roger. can I. talk to you?"
Sitting on my bed, now dressed, I nodded. "Sure. what about?"
He came in, and leaned against my dresser. "Um. Rog, you've always been the one of us guys who knew that they were straight! You never questioned, never experimented, or anything like that!"
I interrupted, "But what about Benny?"
Collins laughed, "I'll tell you that one some other time." He shook his head in disbelief, "But why now? Why Mark?"
I looked to the floor, deep in thought. "Collins. recently I've heard of a creature that I never knew about before. have you ever heard of a MarkandRoger?"
Collins chuckled, "Yeah. I've heard of it. two best friends joined at the hip, right?"
Smiling, I motioned him to sit next to me. "Apparently so. but one day these conjoined friends realized that they weren't just friends. so." I smiled fiendishly, "They decided to be joined at the pelvis!"
My friend shoved me playfully, "You pervert."
You could almost see my halo. "So?"
"Just don't hurt him Roger. Mark and I have known each other for a really long time, and I don't want to see his best friend break his heart."
"I won't, Tom. I love him."
He smiled broadly, "Then you have my blessing, I guess!"
***
When Collins came out, Maureen and Joanne were long gone. It somehow turned into another fight. Of course now that I was happy, Maureen was pissed and Joanne was jealous. Collins smiled at me as he passed by, and silently walked out the door.
After a while, Roger followed. He collapsed onto the couch, sprawling out over me.
"What happened?"
"Your father gave me his blessing. and then a very graphic story about him and Benny."
Laughing hysterically, I gasped for breath, "Oh god! That one! I got that one from Collins as soon as he moved in. because, you know Benny and I went to school together, and then Collins joined us here. and apparently our friend was just no random person who needed a room, you know?"
He groaned, flopping over in my lap. "I KNOW!"
I tussled his hair, "Poor baby. had to hear a graphic sex story while I was out here in the eye of the storm."
***
Huh? "What happened?"
He shrugged, "Maureen. 'Nuff said, huh?"
I wrapped my arms around his waist, pressing my face against his abdomen. "Yipe. Sorry about that, but I was, well. naked!" I blinked, realizing that he too was bare under the blanket. "AND IN SIGHT!"
"Still, you owe me."
"Well what do you want me to do? Parade around the balcony naked?"
***
Wee. This will be fun.
***
Damn it's cold out on our balcony. Nippy, really. "HEY! EVERYBODY! UP HERE! MY NAME IS ROGER DAVIS AND I AM IN LOVE WITH A MAN! LOOKIT ME! I'M NAKED!"
My partner/prosecutor watched from behind the safety of the window, laughing hysterically, his camera focused on me.
"Can I come in yet?"
"Yes, yes. come in!"
***
I was right! That WAS fun! Ha, ha, ha. Roger was naked. and in public. and I have it all on tape.
***
Coming out of the cold into the somewhat warmer loft, I stared at Mark. "You're going to pay, you know that?"
He giggled like a schoolgirl, "I know, but it will be worth it."
I lunged at him, sending him flying to the floor.
***
Wow. A naked Roger sitting on a naked Mark. Took me a minute to comprehend this. but I quickly pulled myself out from underneath him, darting down the hallway.
"YOU'RE NOT GOING TO GET AWAY!"
Turning back, I laughed, "Who said I was trying to?"
***
I couldn't help but laugh. So *this* was the game he was playing, huh? I stood, running after him.
***
"Zoom in on Mark." I hold my camera up to myself, a sleeping Roger in the background. I continue to whisper, ".Who for once is happy. Roger's home, for good I think. He got back this morning from Seattle. he says." My voice is wavering, so I pull myself closer to the camera, "He says he loves me. and now everybody knows. no secrets, no hidden feelings." I flip the camera around, zooming in on my love, "He loves me." Sighing dreamily, I conclude, "And I love him too." I shut off the camera, and lay back down. "The end. or is it the beginning?"
The shadow stirs, and the figure turns to face me. "Morning." A soft hand brushes against my cheek, and I tense. No, no, no. No touching, no feeling, no emotion. This shouldn't of happened.
I feel myself pull away, sitting up. My lover looks at me with confusion. Shit. Never should have let this happen. I groan, and take a deep breath. "Listen-Mark-We need to talk."
The slender filmmaker shoots up. You can tell he's worried, confused, and thinking the worst-which he should. "What's the matter, Rog?"
I cringe at his voice. So innocent, so naive. "Look, I know last night we both had a lot to drink." He turned away, knowing what was coming next, "And."
"And you think that it would be best if we forgot about this, and just went back to being friends, being roommates."
"You think so too? 'Cause that would be GREAT!"
Mark climbed out of my bed, sliding his boxers on and gathering his clothes in his arms. "Fuck you, Roger."
"But. I thought-"
"WELL MAYBE YOU SHOULDN'T BE SO QUICK AT ASSUMING THINGS!!" Without another word, he was gone.
***
I slammed my door after entering my room. Dammit, Roger is such an idiot. But if he's the stupid one, why am I the one crying? Why am I the one who was hurt? Seeing my camera laying on my bed, I snatched it up.
"Heartbreak-Day One. Well, here I am. used again. Fuck! How could I let this happen? I mean, I know Roger's straight. but. last night. the things he said, the way he touched me." I took the focus of the camera off me, "Pan around Mark's room. Empty, like his life. Nothing warm, nothing personal." Then the camera fell on my bed, and my little cover was blown. Laying on my bed was my dirty little secret-a white baby seal. "CUDDLY!" I squeaked, grabbing at it. Turning the camera back to myself and the stuffed animal, I corrected myself. "Well. maybe one thing."
Sighing, I stared into Cuddly's one eye. His white fur had turned gray over time, and his whiskers were bent from my strange habit of chewing on them when I was young. "I always thought Roger would be my real Cuddly. I mean, my safety blanket. the one thing that no matter what would be there to make everything better." I curled around my seal, "But I guess I was wrong."
***
Fuck. Fuck everything. Fuck this world, fuck New York, and fuck Mark. Mark *liked* me. Damn, how could I be so blind? He must have always have, and last night while I was drunk.
Fuck. Mark wouldn't take advantage of me. Hell, if I remember correctly, I was the one doing all the work. Who was I kidding? I had a couple drinks hours before. I wasn't drunk. I remembered everything. Every word I said, every promise I made. God, Mark must hate me. I wonder what he's thinking. He's probably clinging to that stupid bear-thing that he thinks I don't know about, crying into his camera. I think I can actually hear him. god dammit. what am I going to do?
***
Time passes. I think I got some pretty good shots of myself being utterly pathetic, and god knows I never have enough of that. Sheesh. But now I know what I have to do. I have to talk to Roger. I have to tell him how I feel. I practice it,
"Roger-I love you. You are my best friend, my confidant, my life. Last night I realized how much I need you, and how much you need me too. So there!"
Groaning, I kick myself inside. Am I an idiot or what? Oh well. I gotta do this. I open my door, and step outside my room. "ROGER! .Roger?"
***
Shit. I take a puff of my cigarette, and continue to plead. "Please Frankie. I need 300, and I can't take anything less. You know the Fender's worth that. and I'm throwing in the ring. Don't make me go get the NYPD and bust your ass for all the shady deals you do."
"I just can't do it."
"FRAKIE! God dammit. You can keep the ring! Mimi's dead, no point in proposing now!"
The gruff voice behind the counter replies, "Fine, fine. but just this once, Roger! No more favors!" He thrust the crumpled bills at me.
***
"Hello?"
"OH THANK GOD! Collins, have you seen Roger?"
"Fuck. he didn't tell you, did he? Dammit, I knew he was lying."
"What are you talking about, Collins?"
"Roger just called to tell me he's going away again. He says he doesn't know where."
"FUCK!"
***
I headed to the counter, "How far will $300 dollars cash get me?"
God I hate the sound of those people at the counter typing. It is literally impossible for humans to type that fast. "Um. if you can leave immediately, I can squeeze you onto a flight to Seattle."
"Sold."
***
I called his mother, his father, every ex he ever had, all the numbers I had ever been given for Santa Fe, and everyone in my address book. No one knew where Roger was. Apparently he had only called Collins.
***
Seattle wasn't too bad. with my carry-on bag slung over my shoulder, I entered a café. Maybe some coffee would wake me up. It should have been night, but with the time zone changes the sun still shone into the café.
I sat in a stool at the bar. Soon I was given my black coffee, and I drank it in almost one swallow. I looked around the café, searching for a friendly face. Soon the person I was looking for appeared. Sitting alone was a girl no more then 16 years of age. She had a little boy's haircut that was jet black, and her was nose buried in a sketchbook. A cigarette was sitting, smoke curling above her, in the ashtray. And leaning against her table. her acoustic guitar.
Picking up my bag, I moved my way over to her. "Hey. I'm Roger. Mind if I sit here?"
She looked up, and laughed. "Sorry Roger, I'm gay."
I sat down, "So?" I glanced at her, "Mind if I bum a cigarette?"
"No." She handed me one, smiling. "I'm Mel."
I lit the fag, and took a long drag. "Nice to meet you Mel. And thanks for the." I lifted the cigarette.
"No problem." She laughed, glancing at her subject of the moment, before drawing some more. "So what brings you here? I haven't seen you before."
I laughed back, "Well. I just arrived from New York."
She looked up suspiciously, "New York, huh? And what drew the big-time New Yorker over to the little dyke who drove into Seattle from god knows where for a cup of coffee?"
"Well, to tell the truth, your guitar."
"It's not for sale."
"I know, I just figured you couldn't be too bad if you play."
She looked up, smiling. "So where's yours, New York?"
"In some pawnshop back home. Pawned it to get here. It was a total rip-off, too. I had a Fender."
She giggled playfully, "Ahh! Brand names!"
I rolled my eyes, and for the first time looked at her sketchbook, "Hey. you're good."
"Thanks. I try." She looked to a different person, and started drawing again. "He's my version of the Mona Lisa." She started to motion around the room to many different men, "He's got that guys nose, his chin, his cheekbones, that one's forehead, and your eyes."
I shuddered with the last two words. "Wow. uh, thanks."
She made eye contact with me, "You never answered my question."
"Which question?"
"Why are you here? In this café? Instead of, you know, in New York or something."
"I had a run-in with a friend."
"So instead of working it out you ran away to Seattle?" She laughed, shaking her head, turning back to her book.
"Yeah, you could say that."
"Keep going."
"Well, see, what happened was. my best friend Mark, see, he's bisexual. Well Mark and I, well. we. and."
She dropped her pencil, and looked up to me, giving me her full attention.
Before she could speak, I changed the subject. "Can I fiddle around on your guitar?"
"Uh. yeah." I took it out of it's soft case, and began to tune it. "So you're saying you fucked your best friend then fled town?"
I looked up, "Yeah, you could say that." I smiled, then started to pick out Musetta's Waltz.
"Wow, Roger. I'm impressed. You're the most fucked-up person I've met in a while." She paused thoughtfully, "That's really good. What is it?"
"Musetta's Waltz from Puccini's opera 'La Bohème'. I use it to warm up."
"You're not that bad. you ever think about doing something in music?"
"Maybe." Softly as possible, I began to sing 'Glory' if for nobody but myself.
"Wow yet again. you are good! I like that. who's it by?"
Laughing to myself, I smiled. "The lead singer of a now-defunct group called the 'Well Hungarians'. the group split after he started using smack, and he wrote it when he found out he was HIV+." And as if by some cruel cosmic joke, my pager went off. Growling under my breath, I muttered "AZT Break." and with my track-marked arm popped my pills.
Mel blinked, obviously putting it together. "So tell me more about this lead singer."
"His girlfriend was also a junkie. She found out about the AIDS, and killed herself in his bathtub only leaving a note saying that he too had it."
"That sucks."
I looked up, snapping, "No shit."
***
Ohgodohgodohgod. "Um, hi. I was wondering if you had a Roger Davis on any of your flights to Santa Fe?" Why was I even checking? Roger always drove! I sigh. You're checking because 'Frankie' said that Roger didn't get the car, only cash.
"Um." The perky voice paused, "Sorry sir, none to Santa Fe. but we had a Roger Davis fly to Seattle-Tacoma International Airport this morning."
SHIT! Seattle. that is far. "Oh. Okay, nevermind then. Thanks anyway."
I plopped down on the couch, sobbing. How could he do this to me? I grabbed my camera again. Got to capture this all, I told myself, You'll want to remember it later. "Roger's in Seattle. I don't know where, but he's there. I don't know when he'll be back either, if ever. I hope he calls."
***
"Well, I think you're an idiot."
I blinked. This teenage lesbian was insulting me? "What?"
"You're an idiot. It's obvious. You love this Mark guy."
"No I don't! I'm straight! He's my best friend!"
She laughed, "Roger, you're not straight. You come into a café on Capitol Hill, which by the way is the gay district of Seattle, and come sit by me having no interest whatsoever, play a song from an opera, then tell me you boinked your buddy and you're miserable without him. To me, that doesn't sound very straight." She glanced at her watch, "SHIT! I'M LATE!" She grabbed her book, her guitar, and her fags. "Bye Roger! Maybe I'll see you around again! Good luck with Mark! YOU NEED IT!" And with that, she was gone.
***
"Marky, honey, get some sleep!"
"She's right Mark. you can't stay up all night."
"But. the time zones! He could call at any time!"
Maureen and Joanne exchanged worried looks, and seemed to mentally agree on something.
"Fine Mark. but promise you'll go to bed soon?" Joanne seemed concerned. Maureen seemed less then enthusiastic.
"Promise." I had my fingers crossed. I could never get sleep, even if Roger was home. So I would faithfully sit next to the phone until he called. if he called. He had to call, right? My two friends said their goodbyes, and left.
Again, I grabbed my camera. Was I really that much of a wimp? I couldn't even go five minutes without picking it up again. Roger was right. I hide in it. "Close in on the phone. Still no word from Roger. Maybe this time it is for good."
I shut it off, sighing softly. I pressed my eyes shut, hoping for my world to disappear. The phone began to ring. I knew it had to be either Collins or my mother. No one else would dare call this late. but I wasn't in the mood for talking.
"Speak!"
".Mark? You there? Damn, I forgot. it's late. you're probably asleep."
My heart skipped a beat. I leapt at the phone, scooping up the receiver and pressing it against my ear. "ROGER!" My voice cracked. Damn, I must have sound too excited.
"Hey."
"Where are you? Are you okay?"
***
Shit. Why does he always have to care? I don't deserve it. "I'm fine, *mother*. I'm in Seattle."
"Oh."
***
I knew he was in Seattle! Why did I even bother asking? "Um. why did you call?"
***
Why did I call? Because I wanted to make sure you were okay, wanted to hear your reassuring voice, wanted to hear you beg me to come back. "I left some stuff there." .can I come home to it?
***
My heart dropped. "You. you want me to send it to you?"
"Uh. yeah. that would be good."
"Where are you staying?" He gave me some address, and I wrote it on the palm of my hand. Might have been worthwhile if I hadn't been sweating so badly. "Can I have your phone number?"
"I. I. No. It's too soon."
"Oh. is that it, then?"
"I guess so."
"Roger?"
"Yeah?"
***
"Is this the end of us? I. I mean, our friendship?"
His voice seemed to be pleading. I hated hurting him. "I. don't know. I. gotta go. Bye Mark."
"Bye-" I hung up the phone.
***
"-Roger."
The next week passed uneventfully for me. I sat. Sometimes shooting myself, other times just plain sitting. Mom called a couple times. I let the machine get it. Eventually Collins called her and explained. too bad he didn't even know the truth. No one did. I didn't just loose a friend. I lost a love.
On the one week anniversary of Roger's departure, I awoke to find Joanne waiting for me in my room. "Nice seal."
I blinked slowly, comprehending what was going on. Laughing softly, I grabbed for my glasses. "Thanks. what are you doing here so early?"
"It's 3 PM, Mark."
I blinked, and checked my watch. Of course, she was right. "Well then, why are you here?" I peered around, "I'm assuming *Honeybear* isn't here, because I can't hear her wailing."
She laughed and sat down on the bed, "She doesn't know I'm here."
I merely blinked.
"I'm worried about you, Mark. Normally when Roger runs away you work on your films and stay optimistic that he'll be back. you've changed, Mark." She paused, searching for words. "You have to lighten up. I mean, it's not like you were with Roger or anything. he's gonna come back, and you two will be best buds again. Don't worry."
I sighed, and pulled my comforter tighter around me. I doubt she noticed or cared that underneath the blankets I was naked. "Joanne. out of all my friends, I am farthest from you and yet we probably have the most in common." She smiled, nodding. I continued, "So can I confide something in you?"
"Of course."
"Promise to tell no one, not even Maureen?"
"I promise."
***
The past week really sucked. I paced around the streets of downtown Seattle moping. I would have gone to this really great looking place that was called the Experience Music Project (it was dedicated to Jimi Hendrix) but I didn't have the money. Nothing else worthwhile happened.
And I never got my stuff.
***
Joanne and I were growing closer. Everyone noticed, too. I mean, how could they not? She was the only one I would even respond to. I think they thought I was replacing Roger with Joanne, but in reality she was the only one who I trusted with my secrets. Maureen would blab, Collins would get depressed over Angel again, and Roger was the one who created my secrets. So I had Joanne.
***
Fuck, Mark. Why didn't you send me my stuff? Why can't I just forget about you? Why have I spent every moment fussing over you? Why can't I just move on?
I need to talk to him, ask him what he thinks. I pick up the hotel room's phone, and dial my old number.
***
"Joanne, stay a little longer? It gets so lonely here."
Sighing, she sat. "Of course Mark."
"Thanks."
We both turned, staring at the phone. As if it were a ritual, we both mutter, "We screen."
"Speak!"
***
SHIT! Mark, you have to be home! You have to be going as crazy as I am! You have to be upset, too! Boiling with anger, I submissively mutter, "Mark?"
***
Joanne stares at me as I reach my pale long fingers over and caress the phone. Suddenly afraid, I recoil.
"JUST PICK IT UP!"
I lift the receiver and place it against my ear. "Hi." I scoot closer to Joanne, tilting the phone so we both can hear.
***
"How. how are you?" I run my hand through my hair as I throw myself down on my bed. This is all too confusing.
***
Jo grasps my hand tightly, giving her most supportive of looks. "I'm okay. How about you?"
***
He's okay? Shit. that must mean he's moved on, and by calling I'm just dragging him down. "I've been horrible. I feel so bad about how we left things."
***
I squeeze Jo's hand tightly, my heart racing. "Roger-I. I lied."
"About what?"
"I'm shitty. New York isn't the same without you." I felt like I was going to pass out. If it weren't for Jo being there, I probably would have.
***
Laughing softly, I close my eyes. "You really are a liar."
"No-seriously, Roger. I. I miss you."
I sit up, biting my lower lip softly. What do I say to that? "Mark-about how we left things."
***
Tears brim in my eyes. "Forget it. Everything's forgiven. Come home." Forget brimming. I'm sobbing. "Please. please Roger, come home. I need you here." A dial tone follows.
***
Shit! I'm such an ass. why did I hang up on him? I. I couldn't think. I need air. I need air. Maybe a change of scenery would be good. Slinging my backpack of things over my shoulder, I say goodbye to my trashed hotel room.
***
Clinging to Joanne, I know I need to come up for air eventually. Ever since I hung up with Roger I haven't stopped wailing. I'm drowning in tears. "He hates me!"
"No, honey. he doesn't. he wanted to fix it."
"HE WANTED CLOSURE! HE WANTED TO FORGET ME!"
***
"Hi-Mom? It's me. can I borrow some money?"
***
"Roger could never do that."
I shot Joanne the coldest stare I could muster, "You don't know Roger."
***
"Hi, I'd like to book."
***
My companion didn't leave until the early hours of the morning. until I collapsed, actually. All night I stayed up, doing anything to get my mind off the phone conversation that I had earlier. I must have had at least ten things going at once. At about 7 AM, my body gave out, and Joanne crept out the door.
***
"Here's the money. take it all. I just need it."
***
I'm sure you all know the movie 'The Shining'. I mean, who doesn't? Well, when I woke an hour later, I felt like Jack Nicholson during the famous 'all work and no play' scene. I mean, why not take my camera and eerily say into it over and over 'All work and no Roger makes Mark a dull boy'. seriously!?!
Had to get my mind off Roger had to get my mind off Roger. Stumbling out of bed wearing what I had been when I had fallen asleep (which was all of my clothes, including my shoes), I climbed into the living room. Maybe a video would help.
Staring at the selection made me realize how everything made me think of Roger. Okay, so not a movie. maybe. maybe. I turned, scanning the apartment. Plastered over the walls are posters displaying my friend's face. I sigh. Maybe I just need to leave.
A sharp knock comes from the door. I don't respond. The knock becomes more frantic, "IF IT'S JOANNE, GET SOME SLEEP. IF IT'S BENNY, FUCK OFF. IF IT'S MAUREEN OR COLLINS. NOT NOW!!"
***
I blinked. Mark had that much anger built up in him? Setting my hand on the handle, I see it's unlocked. Like always. I slowly turn the handle.
***
"I SAID GO AWAY! I WANT TO BE ALONE!" Didn't they fucking understand?????
***
After coming inside, I carefully set my bag and newly re-bought guitar on the floor. I wanted to shout out that I was home, but. I was afraid. Afraid of rejection.
***
I turned, ready to shout until I exploded, when I found a very meek-looking Roger standing in my doorway, his things at his side. My mind raced.
"You. you sure you want to be alone?"
"No. I'm not sure."
"Can I come in?"
"You say that like this isn't your loft too."
***
I laughed softly and took another step in, "You mean it?"
"Yeah, I mean it. Now get over here, you!"
I ran up him, and wrapped my arms around my roommate in a friendly hug.
***
Feeling his body next to mine made me cry again. I pulled him close, grasping his shirt so he wouldn't disappear before my eyes. I took a deep breath in, smelling him, remembering him. We stayed like this for an extremely abnormal length of time.
***
Seeing him, feeling him. It made everything come back. Everything that led up to that night. It made me sick. But, in a good way. My stomach did somersaults and my head was spinning. Finally pulling away, I looked at Mark completely puzzled. "We still need to talk."
Blushing furiously, he fell onto the couch. "Look-Roger-I guess I'm with you. We'll just forget about it."
Feeling my own face burn, I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, "Is that what you want though, Mark?"
***
Is that what I want? Hell no! I wish we could start back at that morning, and when I woke up I would find the Roger I had gone to bed with! Before I could answer, he sat next to me.
"Mark. how long have you, you know, liked me?"
My heart dropped into the pit of my stomach. Why was he asking me this now? "Roger, I have always liked you! You know that! You're my best friend, a brother!"
***
I take a deep breath, preparing myself. "I didn't mean it like that, Mark. I meant it as more of a 'how long have you been attracted to me' type of thing. I mean, I've known forever that you liked guys, but how long have you liked me?!?!"
"Oh."
***
How long have I been attracted to him? Oh god. I don't know. "Well, Roger. The first time I saw you I knew you were beautiful. different then the rest. special. And as we grew to be best friends, that was enough. We were MarkandRoger. That I think was all I wanted."
***
Understand. I. help. "Is. that why Maureen was.?"
***
Oh god! Not Maureen! I shook my head, "I don't know if why the only relationship I ever was in was because of you or not, Roger. I always thought that I only wanted you as a friend."
***
Thought? I was so beyond lost.
"But. when we. when you said. when you said you loved me. I realized that I love you too, Roger. as more then a friend."
The room was spinning. I *had* said that to Mark. I had said everything imaginable, and then fled the next morning.
***
My heart was racing. I'm sure my heaving chest was quite obvious. "I guess we can't go back to being 'just friends' now, huh?"
Roger looked up, his eyes watering. or was he crying? "I. I don't think so."
I bit my lip, "I guess I'll be the one to go this time."
***
I snapped to, the cold reality of what Mark was saying finally hitting me. "NO! .I mean. no, Mark."
He stared at me, the hurt in his eyes, "Why not? I mean, us both living here isn't going to work. I mean, if I'm in love with you and you're, you know, straight. it just won't work. So one of us has got to go, and this time it should probably be me." He looked so small and vulnerable.
"Shut up, Mark." I leaned in, kissing him passionately.
***
What's going on? Last I knew I was moving out, and I must have fainted or something because I swear Roger's got his tongue in my mouth. and now I swear he's pushing me down onto the couch with his hands down my pants!!!! THIS IS NOT KOSHER!!! I push him off of me, wide eyed. "ROGER!"
He looks up, confused.
"What are you doing?"
He merely blinks.
I wave my hand in front of Roger's eyes, to check to make sure he's really 'all there' and exhale in disbelief. "Roger, what the fuck happened in Seattle to make you do this?"
"I had coffee and a smoke with an underage lesbian."
My turn to blink.
"I met her in a café on the first day, and told her everything, and. she said I loved you. I didn't believe her, but I spent the rest of the time I was in Seattle thinking about it, and. she was right!"
***
I laugh softly, sliding closer to my beloved. "I do, Mark! I don't think I even fully realized it until this moment, but I love you! I want to be with you!"
***
Wow. Shock. overload. blink. "I. I love you too! But. this is all so unexpected!"
"Mark, I said it before and I'll say it again. Shut up." With his touch my entire body relaxed, melting. He kissed me again and again, and I was too scared and excited to do anything.
***
I loved Mark! I LOVE Mark! And I'm not afraid to show it, even on my own living room couch! I pull his shirt from his slender body, revealing more of his snow-white skin. Showering his body with hot steamy kisses, I felt his back arc under my weight. I worked at his pants. How his pants and the rest of our clothing got off I'm not quite sure as it all seemed to move as a blur.
***
I had never experienced anything like what I was experiencing at that moment. Our fleshy bodies rubbing against each other, our hands massaging each other, our wet lips wandering. It was beautiful, it was erotic, it was perfect. I let out a shrill cry, and it echoed throughout our loft.
I didn't see it, but I heard everything. The slam. Three voices. A scream. The owner of the screaming voice fall. Roger was quickly off of me, our moment over.
***
The door blasted open, and I heard shouting. I think they thought Mark was hurt or something.
***
Grasping like crazy for the nearby blanket, I threw it over mine and Roger's exposed bodies. Instantaneously I found my glasses and placed them on my nose.
Joanne was attending to the fallen Maureen, and Collins was standing there in awe.
***
Not knowing what to do, a million emotions flooded me. Most of them were screaming at me to run, but I picked one and followed it. I turned to Mark, and examined his face. Tears streaked his face and he was shaking. And I was the one who had done this to him. I could have locked the door, I could have had us leave the room, I could have done anything. But no. I forced him into this situation, and I was now wanting to run again.
Sighing, I firmly grasped his hand. Kissing it softly, I turned to the others. "Hi. I'm home."
***
Joanne's fine with it, Collins still is in shock, and Maureen is in denial. Since she passed out, she's assuming she's dreaming still. Sometimes that ex of mine can be amazingly ditzy.
We still haven't been able to get dressed, everyone's still sitting here in the living room. Roger hasn't freed my hand, and I don't think anyone knows how thankful I am for that.
Everyone's looking at me now. I guess I'm supposed to talk. "Um. Hi everybody. I'm bi?"
***
Smooth one Mark. rolling my eyes, I snuggle into him. "Okay. Um, see, before I left, something happened between Mark and I. I got scared, and ran. While I was gone I realized that I love Mark. So now I'm back, and we're together."
Joanne laughed, "Classic love story, huh?"
Mark shot her a playful glare, but it was quickly wiped away as Maureen gave him a swift smack across the face. I leapt to my feet, not realizing that I was giving everyone a free show, trying to make up my mind on whether I should go after Maureen or care for Mark.
Collins blinked. "Roger. you, uh."
My eyes bugged out, and I dashed to my room.
***
Rubbing my sore face, I pouted at Maureen. "What was that for?"
"FOR MAKING ME FAINT! And. and for. you know." She made a very disgusted face.
"No I don't Maureen. For what? For falling in love with someone of the same sex, like you did? Or like Collins did?"
Not wanting to be dragged into this, Collins backed up. I don't know what happened, but he disappeared.
***
A soft knock came from my door. I recognized it immediately. "Come in, Collins."
My door opened, and my professor friend appeared. "Roger. can I. talk to you?"
Sitting on my bed, now dressed, I nodded. "Sure. what about?"
He came in, and leaned against my dresser. "Um. Rog, you've always been the one of us guys who knew that they were straight! You never questioned, never experimented, or anything like that!"
I interrupted, "But what about Benny?"
Collins laughed, "I'll tell you that one some other time." He shook his head in disbelief, "But why now? Why Mark?"
I looked to the floor, deep in thought. "Collins. recently I've heard of a creature that I never knew about before. have you ever heard of a MarkandRoger?"
Collins chuckled, "Yeah. I've heard of it. two best friends joined at the hip, right?"
Smiling, I motioned him to sit next to me. "Apparently so. but one day these conjoined friends realized that they weren't just friends. so." I smiled fiendishly, "They decided to be joined at the pelvis!"
My friend shoved me playfully, "You pervert."
You could almost see my halo. "So?"
"Just don't hurt him Roger. Mark and I have known each other for a really long time, and I don't want to see his best friend break his heart."
"I won't, Tom. I love him."
He smiled broadly, "Then you have my blessing, I guess!"
***
When Collins came out, Maureen and Joanne were long gone. It somehow turned into another fight. Of course now that I was happy, Maureen was pissed and Joanne was jealous. Collins smiled at me as he passed by, and silently walked out the door.
After a while, Roger followed. He collapsed onto the couch, sprawling out over me.
"What happened?"
"Your father gave me his blessing. and then a very graphic story about him and Benny."
Laughing hysterically, I gasped for breath, "Oh god! That one! I got that one from Collins as soon as he moved in. because, you know Benny and I went to school together, and then Collins joined us here. and apparently our friend was just no random person who needed a room, you know?"
He groaned, flopping over in my lap. "I KNOW!"
I tussled his hair, "Poor baby. had to hear a graphic sex story while I was out here in the eye of the storm."
***
Huh? "What happened?"
He shrugged, "Maureen. 'Nuff said, huh?"
I wrapped my arms around his waist, pressing my face against his abdomen. "Yipe. Sorry about that, but I was, well. naked!" I blinked, realizing that he too was bare under the blanket. "AND IN SIGHT!"
"Still, you owe me."
"Well what do you want me to do? Parade around the balcony naked?"
***
Wee. This will be fun.
***
Damn it's cold out on our balcony. Nippy, really. "HEY! EVERYBODY! UP HERE! MY NAME IS ROGER DAVIS AND I AM IN LOVE WITH A MAN! LOOKIT ME! I'M NAKED!"
My partner/prosecutor watched from behind the safety of the window, laughing hysterically, his camera focused on me.
"Can I come in yet?"
"Yes, yes. come in!"
***
I was right! That WAS fun! Ha, ha, ha. Roger was naked. and in public. and I have it all on tape.
***
Coming out of the cold into the somewhat warmer loft, I stared at Mark. "You're going to pay, you know that?"
He giggled like a schoolgirl, "I know, but it will be worth it."
I lunged at him, sending him flying to the floor.
***
Wow. A naked Roger sitting on a naked Mark. Took me a minute to comprehend this. but I quickly pulled myself out from underneath him, darting down the hallway.
"YOU'RE NOT GOING TO GET AWAY!"
Turning back, I laughed, "Who said I was trying to?"
***
I couldn't help but laugh. So *this* was the game he was playing, huh? I stood, running after him.
***
"Zoom in on Mark." I hold my camera up to myself, a sleeping Roger in the background. I continue to whisper, ".Who for once is happy. Roger's home, for good I think. He got back this morning from Seattle. he says." My voice is wavering, so I pull myself closer to the camera, "He says he loves me. and now everybody knows. no secrets, no hidden feelings." I flip the camera around, zooming in on my love, "He loves me." Sighing dreamily, I conclude, "And I love him too." I shut off the camera, and lay back down. "The end. or is it the beginning?"