gravy

Dean Moran and I walked home instead of taking the school bus on my last day of school. It was cold, long walk, and we would be in Dean's house at dark. Not a lot of words exchange between us. "Cheltenham, yeah?" he said once, and I nodded. "It sucks, doesn't it?" I didn't know how to answer to that. But for Dean Moran's sake I nodded again.

We didn't encounter a lot of people along the way. It was snowing and I caught Dean trying to catch snowflakes on his tongue, although he was trying to do it without me looking.

I called Mum when we got to Dean's house without incident. She wasn't home, but in Cheltenham. Mum seemed to let me go this time, after I told her most of the things in my room were in the boxes now.

"You can sleep over there if you want to, if the Morans allow you."

I looked at Dean, and Mr. Moran at a far who was helping Mrs. Moran set up the table. I'd love to stay overnight. I'd pong of gravy when I get home. "Julia'll be lonely," I said on the phone.

"I'll call Julia to tell her that you're not coming home tonight."

"I don't have clothes for changing."

"Then I hope Julia wouldn't mind if she'll come over to bring you some."

I rubbed my head, trying to think of an excuse to go home, even though I didn't want to. I covered the receiver with my hand and turned to Dean. "Mum wants me to sleep over here for the night." It came out half-excited, half-dull.

Mr. Moran appeared besides his son, wiping his hand with a small towel. "Why, what's wrong?"

"Nothing's wrong, Mr. Moran. She just wants me to."

"Tell her you're welcome to stay. Come on, now, dinner's ready."

There really was no way getting out of this, so I said okay to Mum and hanged up.

Over the table, Mr. Moran asked me when we were going to leave Black Swan Green. I told him I was leaving in two days, and then he told me Dean probably wouldn't see me off on that day, since he and Dean were going to go to White-Leaved Oak.

Julia was on the doorstep with a small bag of my clothes. Dean Moran's parents tried to invite her in, but she refused. "I'm eating out with Kate," she said to us. "Have fun, Jason." She gave me a smile, a pat on the arm and turned back outside.

"Careful on the way home!" I yelled at her. She half-waved, not looking at me.

Tomorrow was going to be Edgar Allan Poe's birthday. Americans in Baltimore would be waiting at dawn for the mysterious dark figure appearing every year to visit Poe's grave, carrying three roses and a bottle of cognac. He would stand in front of the grave, pour the cognac on a wine glass, and drink it. That's how he got his nickname, the Poe Toaster. After decades of watching him, no one dared to approach him, learn his true identity. They were afraid they would scare him away, which might lead to end the yearly tradition.

The three roses on the grave were arranged in a rather intimate fashion.

Dean and I set up an extra mattress in his room, and we both changed into something comfortable.

Whenever I'm staying over in a different place, which is anywhere but home, I can't find myself to go to sleep right away. Maybe it was the mattress, or the pillows, or the humidity of the room. (Dean's room was the only place in the house that doesn't smell like gravy.)

We turned off the lights and left Dean's lamp on. I was lying down facing the ceiling when I heard Moran whisper. "Hey, Jace? Be honest with me pal. Are you going to miss Black Swan Green?"

I didn't speak, pretending to think. "Yeah."

He was probably going to say (and I wanted him to say, even though I didn't have the answer for them), are you going to miss Squelch and Holly Deblin and Dawn Madden and Grant Burch and Ross Wilcox and so many more people. But he didn't.

He lay back down to his bed. "Bet you won't miss this loser." There was something in the silence that I couldn't place. Dean propped his elbow up to look at me again. "I'm a loser, right? I know you think so."

It felt like someone was strangling me. "Dean, that's not—"

He held up a hand. "Jace, it's okay. I understand. And I'm not angry, I swear. You know how we are, the school, the kids. Black Swan Green."

"I'm a loser, too."

"You're decent, man."

"I'm sorry."

Dean turned away from me. "I can sleep with the light on, if you're too scared to sleep in the dark. But it'll be great if you turn off the light if you're going to sleep."

I turned it off and went back to my mattress. "You're decent" was honestly the highest praise I had ever received, even if Dean Moran said it. And I didn't deserve it.

"I wish I was a girl," I thought out loud because fuck it, I was leaving Black Swan Green anyway and I didn't care if Dean's going to turn traitor on me and tell everyone and fuck it, I was more pathetic than my best friend.

I couldn't see in the dark, but I knew he turned around to look at me. "Me too."

You never know with Dean Moran.

I woke up around four in the morning, and didn't move until the sun came up.

Wondered if the Poe Toaster had shown up.

I couldn't smell the gravy in the house anymore. I had become one with the Morans now, and I felt great about it.

After breakfast, Dean and his little sister, Maxine, showed me to the door. I phoned Mum and Julia that I was coming home. Maxine was embracing the E.T. doll to her chest. "Will we see you around?" she said.

"Maybe." I ruffled her hair. "I'm going to miss you, little Max."

I looked at Dean, and he said, "You don't mind if you phone us when you get to Cheltenham? Leave your phone number?"

"Yeah, definitely. I'll tell you the new address too."

"Address?"

"Write to me." Writing letters's gay and only people in love do that, but today I felt so great I didn't care. And after last night, I trust Dean Moran. "We'll write to each other, if that's okay with you?"

"Yeah...yeah, sounds ace." He grinned at me and offered his hand to shake. "See you around, Jace."

I looked at his hand, and I thought about that time we both ran to the farm fields, his pants drenched in cow shit, and that time he crashed down from Mr. Blake's greenhouse roof, and before that he said this ace line that impressed Pluto Noak and the Spooks, and that time he puked at the other patrons at the Goose Fair.

Instead of shaking his hand, I pulled Dean into a hug, which took him by surprise. (I surprised myself, too, but I made sure no one was around.) Maxine grinned behind his back.

"Okay, let go now," he said, patting my back awkwardly. "People are leaving their houses and will see us and will think we're homosexuals."

I couldn't help it. I laughed. I let go and gave him a friendly pat on the shoulder. "See you around then."

"Bye, Jason." He still looked bewildered, but Dean was grinny-zitty as ever.

A/N: This was originally from ao3, but now we have a category for this amazing book yesss.