Under Earphones

He laughed at her dreams without knowing her. He fell in love without speaking to her. He understood her without understanding himself…But he was a monster, and she was a girl in white. Shani-Lacus One-shot.

Disclaimer: I don't own Gundam Seed.

For morbid333, because I would probably have never considered this pairing without talking to him.

It was really ridiculous…honestly…

Fingering the music player, Shani's thumb hesitated over the volume dial. What a risk…for such a stupid thing…

Violet and Gold eyes flickered around the cabin, falling hesitantly upon his comrades. Orga had fallen asleep, a book in his hand now placed over his chest, as though he'd merely taken a moment to rest his eyes. Shani never thought about what sorts of books the blonde read, he honestly didn't care.

Shifting onto his side, the green haired pilot looked to the slumped form of Clotho. The red haired boy had dozed off mid game, and a flashing Game Over screen played quietly across the game screen. The other seemed to be a bit restless then, and rolled over, subconsciously cradling the game and mumbling something.

Assessing the situation to be secure, Shani held his breath and dared to brush his thumb over the dial. A shudder passed down from his ears to the tips of his toes as the music became just a bit louder, just a bit more engulfing.

Just a bit more real.

Her voice wove through his ears and swept over him like a blanket…a blanket of spring wind. Closing his eyes, he tilted his head back against the pillow and ran his free hand through his hair.

She sang of peace and kindness…

Shani saw carnage and war beneath his lids.

At first, he thought he hated her. He thought he hated this girl who so willfully sang of such idealistic things, useless things. He was told power was all that was ever important, and one needed war to show off that power to erase what you didn't like.

If he truly believed that, he would have erased her…this silly little girl who probably dreamt of sugar and rainbows.

But then he heard the music, her songs, and his violent existence became…a little less…chaotic.

Honestly, he had had no idea who she was. Clotho had hacked the computer frame back at the lab a few years ago, wanting to get a new game or something. One thing led to another, and they'd somehow found a video stream of a concert from PLANT. Orga had ordered Clotho to close the window, disgusted by the genetic monsters who could act so human. Shani had cast an uninterested eye on the screen, and while gentle music flowed from the speakers of the computer, he saw her.

A silly little girl in a white dress, singing with a smile and moist eyes glimmered on the screen. And then Clotho closed out the window and began his search anew. She was there one moment, and then she was gone.

How Shani had found who she was himself…well…it was challenging. But then he'd done it, and he discreetly put her songs on his music player, against all his better judgment.

At first, he criticized her words, sarcasm boiled in his gut and her gentle lyrics only served to infuriate him as a Coordinator's disregard for cold reality. But then, one night, he listened to the same song over and over again, replaying it again and again for a reason he didn't know.

Staring up at the ceiling in the dark, he lost his breath and his body jerked violently. The drug…his blood was boiling, his pulse was racing, his muscle spasms coursed through his entire body, and his eyes burned as his screams of pain died in his throat. But his earphones were in his ears, and the girl's voice, calm and smooth as night trickled into his eardrums and echoed in his brain.

He understood, he saw, he heard, and he felt.

It was her dream; it was the collective dream of a people torn apart by war.

It was a beautiful dream.

Now, as he listened to her melody, he felt his heart beat in rhythm to her song. Her voice cradled him, and she was embracing him.

At that moment, he wondered what she truly dreamed of.

Did she dream of broken people healing? Did she dream of soldiers aiding the wounded? Did she dream of war?

Did she dream of peaceful sunsets? Did she dream of butterflies in a barren field? Did she dream of peace?

He allowed the barest smile to grace his lips. She could just as easily have dreamt of kittens and birds, she was after all, just a silly little girl.

A silly little girl that an Earth Alliance pilot had somehow fallen in love with.

Bringing his arm across his face, Shani relaxed as a new song began to play. He only had so few of hers…

"What do you dream of?" he whispered, forgetting where he was, who he was, as his consciousness lifted to a state of here and there.

So many times, he wished he could see the same things she did, dream the same dreams she did. But no matter how many times, no matter how many tries, his dreams cracked and shattered into dark nightmares of pain and horror that left him silent the morning after.

In the cockpit of Forbidden, his hands held deadly precision as he quite literally executed his opponents. The ZAFT soldiers were so pathetic, so weak…with each death, with each explosion…the fires spreading across the battlefield…Shani grew high and a sick bout of laughter filled his lungs as his pulse raced and his fingers shook with excitement as he completely destroyed another enemy.

The Forbidden was unstoppable, impregnable, a true God of Death. Even its name struck fear, telling his opponents that hope for their own victory and continued existence was forbidden. As the master of the Forbidden, Shani was more than a death god, he was…Death in and of itself.

Gazing upon the carnage, the destruction he caused, he felt giddy.

It was after the battle when he returned to the shared room for the pilots, after he'd settled himself lazily over the couch with his earphones in, that realization struck him. He didn't know which song would play first, he just pressed PLAY.

Her voice came on, and a cold weight suddenly formed in his stomach.

He ripped out his earphones and clutched his stomach, shaking. His eyes only saw the battle, the horror, the carnage…the beautiful destruction…

And then he was running for the bathroom and slamming to his knees before the commode, heaving the acidic contents of his body. His eyes burned and on his tongue was a sickly sweet taste of bile. Ignoring Orga's calls of concern, he pushed himself against the wall closest and collapsed, staring up blindly at the ceiling lights, glowing brightly.

Spots filled his vision and he blinked, finally, and a rumbling filled his chest. Throwing his head against the wall painfully, he squeezed his eyes shut and laughter spilled from his lips. Sweat trickled down his face and neck, his legs felt like rubber, and he bellowed madly.

He loved the battlefield, he loved pain and torture and carnage. His nightmares even held a perverse and morbid charm, soaked in blood and fire and brimstone of his heart's darkest desires.

But there was a single white glimmer amidst the destruction and terror.

There was her.

For all of the horrors he found comfort in, for all the violence that he loved and craved, he also loved her…the silly little girl who sang of a beautiful dream.

"…Monster…" he screamed, enjoying the echo of his voice against the walls. He repeated it again, grinning like a madman and savoring the insanity his brain had succumbed to.

The ocean, even gazed upon at the speed the Dominion traveled at, was beautiful.

Perhaps he thought so because the ocean could horrifically kill someone, perhaps because she sang of oceans.

Either way, Shani enjoyed being alone on the outdoor deck of the ship. Orga and Clotho had been with him for awhile, but Orga complained of the brisk air musing his book's pages and retreated back inside. Clotho had stood, not knowing whether to follow or stay, but when Shani paid no acknowledgement that he was even there anyway, the Raider's pilot trotted to catch up to Orga.

Alone, Shani relaxed and leant against the guardrail, visible eye on the reflected sunset in the water.

He'd like to meet her one day…maybe…

The thought is ridiculous enough to send him into a fit of psychotic giggles.

Running a hand through his bangs, he closed his eyes and breathed in the salt air from the ocean. There was a pureness to its sharp aroma. The almost drowned out roar of the waves suited as the barest background to the song he was listening to, and he turned the volume up, mouthing the words.

With a deep breath, he opened his eyes and looked up at the twilit sky, seeing stars and the moon already baring themselves. She was somewhere up there…wasn't she…?

With a daring courage he wondered if he would ever summon again, he spoke her name aloud.

He wanted to touch her face, her hair…he wondered if she smelled sweetly of flowers or sweets.

He wanted to speak to her, hear her laugh, see her expression when she was puzzled.

He wanted to meet her…

With a mistaken sense of confidence, he'd asked Orga about girls once. The blonde had shrugged and passed off a magazine to the younger pilot, who stared with disinterest at the scantily clad, heavily endowed woman on the cover.

Shani immediately knew he'd been wrong to ask about it, almost flinched at the curious look the blonde cast over him, and retreated to stuff the magazine somewhere. That certainly wasn't what he had meant…

And the admitting of that fact brought a new realization to the pilot.

Curling around himself on his bed, he turned on his music player and mouthed words neither Orga nor Clotho could make out when they found him in the same state hours later.

The battle was a thrill, a game, a race.

Drugs had filled his blood, his mind was a blurry frenzy of a haze, murder and destruction were his only objectives. His enemies were those from the Archangel faction, the ridiculous pursuers of peace. He did not give them the same mercy he spared only for the girl.

Shani only saw these people as mice in the cobra cage, seeking peace.

In his homicidal rage, he did not realize that Clotho and Orga were struggling, or that he himself was losing. There was no way, they were unstoppable, invulnerable, Death.

This fight was theirs, it was from the start. It didn't matter who they fought or how many there were, the three would prevail. With a small, hidden hope that Shani wasn't even fully aware of, he had wished this battle would be the last and leave them the victor.

A ridiculous notion of heroism had embraced that small part of him, and he imagined he'd be able to find that girl and save her from military abuse or execution, the genocide Blue Cosmos had planned for the Coordinators they so despised.

But one must forgive the pilot and his feverish thoughts of impossibilities…he honestly didn't know what he was doing anymore.

The beam saber cut inside, the noises were blaring, the light was so bright. Shani didn't know where Orga and Clotho were anymore.

It didn't matter, he wanted to know where his music player was.

The light was brighter…so bright…

Blinking, Shani lifted his hand to block the sunlight streaming down on him.

Looking around, he saw a shopping street dotted with few people, but he couldn't quite make them out. It was warm, but nice, and birds were chirping everywhere. Nonetheless, Shani shrugged out of the blue and white flannel over-shirt he was wearing and tied it round his waist, feeling more comfortable in just the short sleeved shirt underneath.

Looking around, taking a few steps, he heard faster than he saw a large wishing fountain in a plaza just beyond a thin line of decorative trees. He would have continued on, but he heard something else, a voice. There was someone sitting on the fountain ledge, she was in a white dress…

Shani broke into a run, his sneakers pounding the ground as he sprinted towards the fountain. So close…so…close…

"Shizukana kono yoru ni anata wo matteru no…"

The girl stopped singing, surprised by his sudden appearance before her. Looking up at him with wide blue eyes, she waited a moment while he caught his breath.

"S-sorry…" he began to say, but the pilot was caught off guard by the girl's smile.

She extended a hand to him, the pale pink palm looking soft and elegant.

"Shani," he murmured, reaching out to grasp her hand. It really was…soft…

She nodded, smiling wider and giggling.

"Shani, I am Lacus Clyne," she replied gently, "I've been waiting for you."

The sunlight became brighter, and Shani smiled at the silly girl in white while blinking away the spots.

The Forbidden was gone, melted scrap floating on the battlefield.

Maybe…if he'd hung on longer…until the end…he would have heard the silly girl's voice as she announced her dream, her peace.

Maybe he couldn't wait that long.

In this quiet night, I'm waiting for you

A/N: This was inspired by morbid333 since he said one thing or another and I happened to get an idea and some inspiration. I enjoyed writing this; I think I'll play with this kinda pairing more…I hope you enjoyed it nonetheless, and obviously I'd greatly appreciate reviews!

Sam