I found her on the bridge we used to play at when we were little. Her car was parked pretty far away from her and she was standing on the ledge of the bridge. I remember mending our friendship there years ago, and playing hide and seek years before that. Sometimes we'd sit together where she stood then and talk. She'd tell me about her mom, and I'd tell her about my parents…. We usually ended up curled together on that bridge, quiet and somber. But I always felt safe with her… I always felt safe on that bridge. But not this day. She had called my cell and left a haunting message and I broke every speeding law there is trying to make it to her in time. And even when I did finally arrive, killing my engine and slamming my door shut, she didn't turn to look at me.
"Peyton!" I screamed. I saw her standing very still: she was breathing calmly. "Peyton!" I screamed again. She still wouldn't look at me. I just wanted her to look at me. "What are you doing?!" Still nothing. She shifted her weight evenly between her skinny legs on the edge of the bridge, but didn't say anything back. I came closer to her, and when I spoke again my voice was dangerously calm. That alone scared me, but not as much as Peyton did. "P. Sawyer, what are you doing?" I asked her. I could see now that her arms were crossed protectively over her chest. Finally, she responded, but refused to look my way.
"I'm trying to figure out why things happen the way they do." She said, and her voice made me shiver. I had never heard her talk in that tone before. It made my heart race. Her silence made me come closer. I was getting desperate.
"Can't you do that down here?" I asked, "on safe, solid ground?" I could tell, even though she wasn't facing me, that she wasn't smiling at my comment. I wanted her to. I just wanted her to turn and smile at me.
"I just don't get it." She said, and that scary tone cracked in her throat and was broken by tears. "Why is it so hard, Brooke?" I didn't know what to say to her. I stepped closer, finally right behind her, and touched her hand. She flinched, but then she let me hold it.
"I don't know." I told her honestly. "But please get down from there." She shook her head no.
"I can't." She said to me. "It's not worth it." I felt her balance shift and it was then that I actually realized that Peyton was very serious. I constricted my grip around her hand.
"Peyton, please don't. You can't do this." She was still unable to look me in the eye. If she looked at my face, she wouldn't be able to jump. She and I both knew that. "Look at me." I said to her softly, partially because the tears were welling up in my throat and choking my voice. When she didn't, I strengthened my grip on her hand until my knuckles turned white and I was sure I was hurting her. "Damn it, Peyton, look at me!" I screamed, my reserve gone. The tears were rolling down my face. "I'm not gonna let you give up like that. Please just look at me." The blonde was surprisingly cooperative then, and she looked over her shoulder and down into my face. There were tears in her eyes and a pain in her face I had never seen before. It broke my heart just to witness it. "I know this is hard. But I also know that you wouldn't have called me if you didn't want me to have come after you…to be here with you. So I'm here, Peyton. I am here. And if nothing else seems worth it to you right now, then make me worth it. Cause I can't live without you. You are my best friend. You're my P.Sawyer, Peyton, and I'm not letting you go for anything in the world." I pulled on her hand tenderly, my hold still strong. "Please come down." I said. Looking back on it now, I'm surprised I delivered the speech as well as I did. I was crying so hard I could hardly breathe and the tears were making my throat constrict like hell. But I never let go of her hand. And she kept eye contact with me for a long time, thinking a million things at once I can only imagine. "Please." I said again, and she looked away from me, eyeing the drop in front of her. When she did, something in her snapped and I think she realized what she was trying to do. I watched her fall apart then, nothing but tears and fearful convulsions. So I helped her down and got her to my car. We sat on the hood of my beetle and I held her as close to me as I physically could. She cried for a long time.
"I'm sorry." She whimpered. That was about all she could say. And I shushed her every time she did and tried to pull her closer to me. I just couldn't get close enough to her. She was shaking so badly in my arms and my neck and chest were wet from her tears… It was the first time I had seen her this vulnerable.
I stroked her curls and squeezed her tighter.
"It's okay." I said gently. Suicide? I couldn't imagine what must've been going through her head on the bridge, or even while she had been driving there, probably running all the red lights on the way. I shuddered. "You're gonna be okay." I told her. "We're gonna get you some help and you're gonna be okay." She wasn't looking at me again. I leaned back slightly and tilter her face up, my hand on her chin, so I was looking right into her eyes. She was a mess. "Hey." I said gently, and brushed the tears away from her face. "I'm not going to let anything happen to you, okay?" She closed her eyes and fell back into me, nodding.
"Okay." She said faintly, and there was a hope in her voice that I felt like I hadn't heard in a long time. I held onto it.
I will never forget the day I found her at the bridge we used to play at. Her car was parked pretty far away from her and she was standing on the ledge of the bridge. Peyton meant to kill herself that day, and I meant to save her… Ill hold onto that for the rest of my life.