Slashy slashy slash!! 'BOY ON BOY' 'GARCON SUR GARCON' 'MANO A MANO'
Co-Written with RinkyPink. I didn't feel worthy of writing the Sirius x Remus because I am more of a Severus x James shipper so I dragged in my lovely friend RinkyPink to help me write it, who is a Remus x Sirius Shipper till she dies!
This idea came from the fact that in my school this is what we have to write for our detentions, plus I thought that Harry was not very appreciative of his fathers genius in book 6 when he was writing out the detention records!
Disclaimer: If I owned Harry Potter the plot would end at book two when Lucius and Harry meet, the rest would be pure Harry Lucius with some Harry Draco and Voldietrix thrown in for good measure :D If RinkyPink owned it then the series wouldn't even HAVE Harry in it it would be Remus Sirius for 7 books, with plot…..she likes plot nooo idea why!!
SLASH!! DO NOT READ THIS IF THE IDEA OF SEVERUS SNAPE PINNING JAMES POTTER UP IN A BROOM CLOSET AND HAVING HIS WICKED WAY WITH HIM OFFENDS YOU!! If you rather like that Idea then do carry on!!
Harry James Potter was sat in the dungeons, in a detention with Snape. Yet again he was copying out the detention records of troublemakers past. Namely the records of all the misdeeds the marauders had carried out during their time at Hogwarts, or Azkaban as they fondly called it. Harry turned the page onto the next offence. He realised that not only had his Father and Godfather been in detention so often it was practically a diary of their lives, but he also realised that he didn't know as much about them as he had first thought.
"Get to it Potter what are you waiting for?"
Harry opened the heavy file and began to read.
Offender: James Potter
Offence: using another student's property in an inappropriate way without permission.
What did you do?: borrowed dear Lucy's pimp cane which he uses to punish Narcissa to pole vault over the great hall house tables with.
Why did you do this?: I thought that much was obvious, its down right hilarious, Lucy's face when he saw his pimp cane four times the size, being used by Padfoot to vault over Slytherin table, a classic moment.
How will you rectify this/prevent this happening again: I would suggest that the teachers of this fine establishment, remove a certain Lucy Malfoy's pimp cane before it is used as an offensive weapon on another student
Offender: Sirius Black
Offence: being found on an out of bounds piece of property
What did you do?: got caught on top of the bloody astronomy tower after curfew with no shirt on.
Why did you do this?: because bloody Remus Lupin brought a broom and got away quicker then I did- WITH MY SHIRT AND BROOM!
How will you rectify this/prevent it from happening again: Take my own broom next time, and not let that sneaky git Lupin take off my shirt again!
Okay, the last one was a lie….
Offender: James Potter
Offence: Turning my hot boyfriend upside down to see his saucy lingerie.
What did you do?: turned Severus upside down to see his pants.
Why did you do this: because I wanted to know if he was wearing the male thong I left in his room last week, and he hexed me when I asked him to show me so….
How will you rectify this: Next time I will seduce him into my bed…THEN take off his robes.
Offender: James Potter
Offence: writing inappropriate messages to another student
What did you do: Wrote to Snape…love letters…okay not quite LOVE letters more like intimate description of me and him…well more like sex scenes, no you couldn't call it porn….actually no it was hardcore but LOVING vivid descriptions of me and him in…compromising situations, well I was compromised because I was tied down but he wasn't I would NEVER do that to my beautiful Sevvy!!
Why did you do this: because he won't do those things to me in real life……
How will you rectify this: By making sure it ACTUALLY happens next time.
Offender: James Potter
Offence: Animating another students property and attempting to harm them with it.
What did you do: I made Lucy's cane come to life and sent it down his trousers to er…constrict his snake ;)
Why did you do this: I warned you about that cane! It is VERY dangerous!
Offender: Sirius Black
Offence: Speaking to a fellow student in an inappropriate manner.
What did you do: Shouted "YO SEXY BEAST!" across the Great Hall at Remus Lupin.
Why did you do this?: He is a sexy beast! I thought that much was obvious! Minnie didn't seem to agree with me though…
How will you rectify this/prevent it from happening again: The utter bollocking Remus gave me afterwards pretty much curbed that particular urge. I didn't even know half the words he was coming out with!
Offender: Lucius Malfoy
Offence: injuring another student
What did you do: Nothing, well nothing wrong. Potter jumped me and tried to punch me! While blabbering something about Snape…SNAPE!? Anyone would think he was in love with him, all I did was meet Snape and have him keep watch while I shagged Bella…can't have Narcissa finding out. So he punched me and I damn well did it back!! How DARE he touch me, and he touched my hair. This fine hair gets greasy quickly!
Why did you do this: HE JUMPED ME!!
How will you rectify this?: by Avada Kedavra-ing him first unworthy brat!
Offender: James Potter
Offence: Fighting with another student.
What did you do: Punched Malfoy…..with good reason!!
Why did you do this: HE…..SLEPT…WITH………SEVERUS my beautiful untouchable lover. I saw them, I was just following Snape round the castle and he went to an empty classroom, so I went outside and climbed up to the window, it was frosted glass, so I would only see outlines, but I saw his long dark hair so beautiful…just so beautiful, then that git Malfoy did….IT and I couldn't help myself, I saw red and jumped Malfoy, but it was all worth it because….Severus pulled me off Lucy, he touched me…with his hands!! I haven't washed since.
How will you rectify this?: By making sure it's just me and Severus next time
Offender: James Potter
Offence: Stalking another student (mention above)
What did you do….stalked Snape supposedly! I didn't even think people READ these things!!
Why did you do it: have you SEEN Severus Snape?!
How will you rectify it: I could make up some long and complicated excuse but….truth be told I won't in fact as soon as this is finished I am going to find my lover who I know will be working late in the library and try to convince him to hook up with me before he goes to bed.
Offender: Sirius Black
Offence: Public indecency
What did you do: Ran stark bollock naked down the corridors whilst being chased by a pack of rabid house-elves.
Why did you do this: I really, really don't want to talk about it. Ever.
How will you rectify this/ prevent it from happening again: You know, somehow I don't think that there'll ever be a repeat of this incident, do you?
Offender: Bellatrix Black
Offence: Hospitalising another student.
What did you do?: I beat up Malfoy, stupid poncey puff he didn't even fight back!!
Why did you do this: Because he is shagging me AND my sister!! Sneaky bastard..well he won't be doing it again for a very long time, I was actually surprised he managed to re-grow his left testicle I cursed off.
How will you rectify this: I will get the right one next time as well.
Offender: Narcissa Malfoy
Offence: Injuring a student in the Hospital.
What did you do?: Sirius told Bella that Luc wrote he had slept with Bella (see above entry) so Bella made sure he can't have children, then Sirius told me so I went and finished what Bella started! I went to the hospital wing and cursed his hair off.
Why did you do this?: Because he slept with my sister!! Well Bella has slept with everyone, but I mean at the same time as me!
How will you rectify this: By never shagging him again!…okay that's a lie even I know that when I'm finished here I will be up in his room in a flash…
Offender: Lucius Malfoy
Offence: Compromising the honour of other students.
What did you do?: All I did was shag Bella and Narcissa nothing big!
Why did you do this: Because they are hot!
How will you rectify this: I think my missing testicle and newly shortened hair will be enough to ensure that.
Offender: Remus Lupin
Offence: Terrorising fellow students and dorm-mates
What did you do: Jumped on Sirius Black when he was sleeping screaming "BANZA!!"
Why did you do this: Mostly to get him back for humiliating me a couple of days ago in the Great Hall, but also for the entertainment value. I've never laughed so hard in my life!
How will you rectify this/prevent it from happening again: James threatened me with severe bodily harm if he was ever woken to the sound of "AAARRRGGH!! DEMENTOR! DEMENTOR!" again, so I think I'll leave it as a one time thing.
Offender: Severus Snape
Offence: Molesting another student in class
What did you do:…………touched….James…Potter's….CROTCH
Why did you do this: I WAS UNDER THE BLOODY IMPERIUS CURSE!! But NO ONE believes me!! Everyone thinks he is too STUPID to know such a complicated spell but no, in that pretty head with that sexy tousled black hai….anyway he CAST THE IMPERIUS ON ME why don't you goons believe that!!
How will you rectify this?: By…by…. I don't know anymore. I'm so glad no one reads these ridiculous things. I don't know what I am going to do about Potter anymore. But it would doubtless involve whips and chains if he had his wa..I KNOW YOU ARE READING THIS JAMES PISS OFF!
Offender: James Potter
Offence: casting an unacceptable spell on another student
What did you do?: SEV LIKE ME OHHH HE LIKES ME YAAAAAAAAAAY Squeals like his inner girl has been begging him to do
Why did you do this?: YAAAAAAAAAAY YAYAYAYAYAY he WANTS ME!! AS MUCH AS I WANT HIM!! No well maybe not that much because that isn't possible but HE LIKES MEEEEEEEE
How will you rectify this: NOTHING NOTHING NOTHING NOTHING LIFE IS PERRRRRRRRFECT
Offender: Sirius Black
Offence: Manipulation of younger students
What did you do: Bribed the first years that Remy was tutoring to take photos of him when he wasn't looking (especially if he was bending over to pick up something they'd "dropped".)
Why did you do this: Moony took away my camera so I can't do it myself, and in any case he would never have suspected the little squirts! But the damn brats squealed on me when I wouldn't raise the pay.
How will you rectify this/prevent it from happening again: Next time, I'll bribe third years- they're much sneakier and less evil. And to punish my little stooges, I'm going to tell them that Father Christmas isn't real. Ha!
Offender: James Potter
Offence: Fighting with another pupil
What did you do: I put a permanent sticking charm on some cooking oil and attached it to Sirius' hair
Why did you do this: because HE INSULTED SEVVY!! He said he had greasy hair!! Padffot said that Sevvy's beautiful hair was greasy…AND called him…Snivellus I HATE HIM!!
How will you rectify this: Buy him shampoo for Christmas.
Offender: Remus Lupin
Offence: Indirectly injuring another student
What did you do: ignored Siri for a week for insulting Severus. He KNOWS how James is about Severus and he STILL had to provoke him!
Why did you do this: because SOMEONE has to teach him and it's not MY fault he starts rocking and twitching if I refuse him for a week!
How will you rectify this?: I'll get the handcuffs out later….if I must.
Offender: James Potter
Offence: Being caught in the broom cupboard in boxers with Severus Snape
What did you do: nothing…we got caught before we could!!
Why did you do this?: because Sevvy OBVIOUSLY likes me!! And he was just undecided so I…..helped him with his decision! By dragging him into the broom closet with me….he wasn't exactly resistant, well he didn't bite me and least but anyway I think he will come round after a few more sessions in the broom closet ;)
Offender: Sirius Black
Offence: Interrupting a mock-examination and invading another student's personal space.
What did you do: Threw several desks out of the way in order to jump on Remus and attempt to ravish him during a History of Magic mock-exam.
Why did you do this: I was sexually frustrated! Moony's been bloody studying all week and so refused to sleep with me because he "has to work". What did you want me to do? Especially when he was sitting there sucking that quill! Sneaky little bastard was doing it on purpose too, I swear.
How will you rectify this/prevent it from happening again: My darling sexy Remy had promised to make up for my horrible week tonight, so I now feel much better. Oh yeah- I'm gonna get some!
Offender: Severus Snape
Offence: Being caught in a broom closet in boxers with James Potter.
What did you do: well I was walking back from the library when I was unceremoniously dragged into a broom closet by a one James Potter and then… well, I don't know, I feel so confused, and I have NO ONE TO TALK TO! Luc thinks James is an immature git so he can't empathise. Lily understands but she also thinks he is an arrogant bigot so that's no use. But I could like him I mean I didn't exactly protest to the best of my ability and he is a very good kisser, but I thought I was in love with Lily!! But James…he is so immature he is cute and when he messes up his hair, I sigh but it's really hot! Ahhh I really need to sort this out, so I'm going to right now. Okay, list of reasons why I like him:
He has really sexy hair
He makes me laugh ( inwardly of course)
He constantly pursues me which is slightly flattering.
He is so uncomplicated and dumb it's very cute
I don't like him because:
He is very immature (but its so cute!)
He is really arrogant (but that is kind of hot)
He follows me all the time! (but that just shows he likes me!)
Why did you do this: I made my decision….I will let James have me but he will have to work for it first.
How will you rectify this: I just did.
Offender: James Potter
Offence: (pupil is unable to attend detention as he is currently in the hospital wing after passing out and hitting his head on the stairs.)
Offender: Severus Snape
Offence: visiting hospital wing after hours and exciting the patients.
What did you do: I went to visit James in the hospital wing, after all it was my fault he was there, last week he was following me back from my study session with Lily in the library, (he thinks I don't know he does this), so when I hid in an alcove and dragged him in with me and started kissing those delicious lips he passed out through the excitement I guess and hit his head. I had to carry him to the hospital wing (bridal style, I am very glad he wasn't awake at thjs point or he probably would have passed out again.) So the next day I went to visit him after hours, I would have gone during visiting hours but I don't think Madame Pomfrey would appreciate what I was planning on doing, so I went after hours, We had just got our shirts off when some 2nd year started squealing when I started to undo James's zipper. I think she had been watching from the start, so Madame Pomfrey came running and here I am!
Why did you do this: after last detention when I figured out that I liked James, I thought his reaction would be very amusing if I suddenly came onto him, and as I predicted it was well worth it!!
How will you rectify this: I suppose next time I will give him some warning but his face was just so adorable when I kissed him!
Offender: James Potter
Offence: Entering into another house's common room.
What did you do?: Me and Sev were well…shagging when Lucy walked in. Well, I was all for punching him there and then… I still think he liked Sev. But no, my beautiful sensible Sevvy just let him go, as he is very kind hearted. But Lucy went to Dumbledore and well here I am!
How will you rectify this: When I leave this detention me and Sirius are going to snap his pimp cane. That should depress him for a few weeks.
Offender: James Potter
Offence: Planning to damage other students property (see above)
What did you do: I keep forgetting people actually READ these things!!
Why did you do this: I didn't bloody GET to do it!
How will you rectify this: I won't write it down next time…
Offender: Severus Snape
Offence: not doing the correct work set by a professor
What did you do?: I merely followed professor Augur's instructions 'find a partner and De-Brief them on the work you did for homework, then they can do the same to you, it will improve the learning process. So I chose James, We went out of the classroom admittedly, (I hadn't done the homework as I was….otherwise engaged, so we improvised.) I took James to a broom closet and de-briefed him, then he did the same to me, we even went a little further for extra credit and took out shirts off. It DEFINITELY improved the learning process, I remember the whole lesson vividly!
Why did you do this: I was told to by the professor!!
How will you rectify this: Put a silencing charm on the closet next time. James is SO loud! And it is VERY embarrassing to be walked in on by the caretaker!!
Offender(s): Sirius Black and James Potter
Offence: Inappropriate use of school time and equipment
What did you do: Attempted to form the entire population of Hogwarts' house elves into a marching band (accompanied by kazoos)
Why did you do this: We were trying to teach them love songs so we could serenade Remus and Severus with them! It got a little out of hand though; apparently house elves don't like Elton John. Little buggers mutinied on us…
How will you rectify this/prevent it from happening again: It turns out that Severus doesn't like Elton John either, so the whole idea had kind of gone down the pan anyway. They took away our kazoos too as well, so…
Offender: Narcissa Black
Offence: Writing to/about a criminal wanted by the ministry of Magic
What did you do: I was only writing my Christmas list! (see attached copy of said 'list')
Why did you do this?: Bella and Roddy told me that was who you wrote your Christmas list to, I knew I should have listened to Luc when he told me never to listen to Bella!
How will you rectify this: I WON'T speak to Bella!! Ever again until I need to borrow her stockings next.
Said 'List':
Dear Lord Voldemort,
My presents last year were okay but Bella broke my doll when she tried to change her blonde hair to black….
This year I would like;
a new broom,
a new hair Brush,
a new mirror,
Lucius Malfoy,
Sirius Black dead,
Lucius Malfoy,
Bellatrix to turn ugly and Rodolphus to decide he prefers me….then a naked wrestling match for my hand between Luc and Roddy,
Lucius Malfoy.
Kaay thank you Bella said that you can get me anything so I will post this to you now.
Lots of Love Cissy
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Harry looked up at the clock, it was 9 o'clock, the end of his detention but he couldn't form words, his mouth was opening and closing very much like a fish.
"What's wrong Potter? You look like Goyle! I hope you aren't getting tired of our sessions because this is the first of many…" here Snape pulled a disgusted face, " Fun evenings we will be spending together," Snape sneered.
The only words Harry could form came out stuttered and broken.
"I…KNOW….WH-WHAT…YOU DID WITH M-M-MY FATHER!!"
Hope you enjoyed and if you survived Sirius's naked exploits with the house elves and James's rendez-vous in the broom cupboard then PLEASE REVIEW!! Naked James thanks you ;)
Till next chapter…if Harry survives mentally intact that long!!
Love x-Scarlett-x (Hannah) and RinkyPink (Siobhan)
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