Author's Note: Since learning Lorna's backstory during Season 2, I really wanted to explore the darkness of what seems to be a pretty intense mental illness. Although I love cute, chirpy, happy Lorna, if she's really as unstable as her backstory shows, there must be other mental things that go along with it - depression, mood swings, sleep paralysis, whatever. So I really wanted to focus on what it would be like to be in a relationship with someone who's so delusional, especially coming from someone with such an obsessive personality as Nicky has. I'm not going to diagnose her with any specific illness, but rather just play around with it - I'm mostly drawing from the shit I had to put up with when I had a crazy roommate a few years back. This is post-Litchfield, so Nicky & Morello are out of prison and living together. -Xo,MsWinehouse
Lorna was sad today.
Nicky could tell, not by the things she said - but the things she didn't say. It wasn't a certain way she looked at Nicky, but rather the way her eyes never flickered up to look at Nicky once.
She had woken up alone in their bed. Lorna liked to greet the day early, Nicky liked to sleep in past noon. But since Lorna was an early riser, Nicky adjusted to be an early riser as well. Her lover would roll over and kiss her at maybe 6 or 7AM, and Nicky would fight the heated heaviness in her eyes and struggle to stay awake to help analyze Lorna's dreams, or talk about the future, or whatever nonsense spewed from her pretty lips before the sun had even risen.
Nicky did these things without so much of a protest, not a single roll of her eyes.
So when she woke up alone, she knew something was up. Puzzled, she crawled out of bed and walked down the narrow hallway into their tiny kitchen/living room. Lorna was sitting on the couch staring at the TV, her chin resting on her knees. Nicky realized the TV wasn't on, and she began to put on a pot of coffee. Coffee always made Lorna's morning better.
"Whatsa matter, felt like letting me sleep in today, eh?" Nicky gave her signature smirk to the small girl, who had no reaction, no change in her gloomy demeanor.
Nicky sighed and walked over to the couch, kneeling on the floor in front of her. "Bad dreams?"
"I don't wanna talk, Nichols."
Nicky frowned. It had been five months since they had to use their prison names to address each other. When they got out, Nicky was surprised at how quickly she had adjusted to calling her by her first name. She liked being on a first-name basis, it felt more personal. She was rarely called "Nichols" anymore, only when something was truly upsetting the brunette.
"Right. Well, it's gonna be a nice day out. Why don't you drink some coffee and-"
"I saw Christopher last night." Tears brimmed in her eyes, threatening to fall with a single blink.
Nicky, who had stood up to retrieve coffee from the beeping coffee pot, sighed and slowly backed down to her seated position. With soft eyes, she looked up at her and waited for her to continue.
"He came to me when I was sleeping last night." She sniffled, smiling through her tears. "He told me he wanted to make things right. Says he wants to marry me. Can you believe that Nicky? After all this time…he's finally getting' straight in the head."
"You didn't see Christopher last night, Lorna," she said in a hushed voice, her hoarse voice cracking. "I would have seen him. I was with you the entire night. And he doesn't even know where you live."
"But-"
"I promise you he wasn't here. It was another dream."
"He said he wanted to marry me."
Nicky blinked quickly, suddenly feeling ashamed as she remembered the conversation from last night. Lorna must have been disassociated when she was rambling about her plans to get a steady job so she could provide for her, and one day ask her to be her wife-
"It was a dream?" Lorna's quivering voice broke Nicky from her inner monologue. She looked the girl in the eyes and nodded.
"Oh my God." Tears shot down Lorna's face. "Oh my God, it's happening again! I'm getting worse. What's WRONG with me? Why does this keep happening?!" She sobbed hard, coughing over her tears and Nicky was quick to close her into an embrace.
This conversation had repeated in different formats several times since they'd been living with each other. Nicky almost wondered if she should give in to her grand delusions and play along, just to make Lorna feel better. Unfortunately, telling it like it is is kind of Nicky's thing, and sugarcoating nonsense was not part of the packaged deal.
"You're still adjusting kid, it takes time."
"Nicky, I'm fucking crazy. I mean, I'm CRAZY. This isn't fair to you-you don't deserve this. You don't deserve someone like me."
Nicky lifted Lorna's chin so she looked her in the eyes, "You're right," she murmured. "I don't deserve someone like you. But I got lucky enough to have you. And I intend to keep you."
A final sob left Lorna's lips, before Nicky closed the space between them with a heated kiss. She peppered the girl's face with kisses, wiping her tears in the process. She lightly pulled on her hair to tilt her hair back so she had access to her porcelain milky neck. She planted a few kisses before she began sucking the skin and biting it, leaving marks behind. Lorna let out a soft moan as she allowed her wild-haired lover to take control.
Nicky knew exactly what she was in for from the beginning. She didn't hesitate for a second when she got Lorna's phone call the day before she left Litchfield, asking if she could crash with her for a few days. Money was tight in the Morello household, and they were still struggling financially even with Lorna gone all those years. Nicky invited her to stay at her place as long as she needed. Eight months later, it was unspoken but understood that Lorna was going nowhere anytime soon.
Yep, Nicky always knew what she was in for. She knew how painfully in love she was with Lorna. She also knew how painfully sick her lover was. Nicky was always competing with the imaginary Christopher - the Christopher who wasn't so imaginary, but completely fictional in the idea that he didn't exist in Lorna's life, but still made appearances in her conversation almost every single day. Nicky lost to Christopher every time, until she was able to initiate moments of clarity in Lorna's head, pulling her momentarily back to reality. Then for a few hours, maybe a few days, Nicky had the upper hand. But then her mind reset, and all of Nicky's hard work went out the window. So she tried again. And the cycle repeats itself.
Nicky worked extra hard. Harder than she did to get sober, she imagines. She fucked Lorna extra hard at night, so that if she ever really did leave, she would be cursed because she'd never get better sex, even from a man. She was constantly spontaneous in the bedroom, which Lorna loved. Handcuffs, chains, leather - anything to keep her woman from getting bored.
Sometimes it was eight in the morning, sometimes it was in the darkest of the night - there were no sounds in the apartment except for the bed rocking and banging against the wall, cries of pleasure, sharp whimpers of, "Harder," "faster," "Nicky I'm coming!" She fucked her until there were no remains of Christopher anywhere in her mind.
Sometimes Nicky wondered if her goal was to make Lorna come, or to fuck the delusions out of her head.
Nicky would look down at the girl beneath her writhing in pleasure as she felt herself about to orgasm. She would look her in the eyes, right before she came, and she would swear that the lusty-eyed Lorna screaming her name was the Lorna that she knew. There were several different personalities the girl had. Nicky was familiar with all of them. But the one that looked up at Nicky between gasps and moans, the one that pulled on Nicky's hair to lead her down so she could kiss her as she came - that was her Lorna. Not Christopher's, not anyone else's. That was Lorna at her most animalistic, primal being.
Quickly deciding that she wanted to see that side again, Nicky grabbed Lorna's legs and pulled her towards her so she was laying on her back. She ripped off her pajama pants, pleased to see she wasn't wearing any underwear underneath. She trailed wet kisses up her legs and inner thighs, not bothering to tease her as much as she normally would when she felt how hot she was between her legs. She kissed her wet sex, smiling as a moan erupted from Lorna. Her tongue trailed slow circles on her clit, the contrast of gentle kisses and her strong, forceful tongue driving Lorna wild.
While she sucked on her clit, she stuck two fingers inside her without warning, holding her hips down as she bucked beneath her. Lorna was whimpering and pulling Nicky's hair, trying to keep herself from coming too quickly. Much to Nicky's delight, they had discovered that without the stress of possibly being caught by CO's, Lorna was able to relax more during sex, and sometimes came within a minute. This must be what it's like to fuck a man, Nicky had teased her.
Nicky fucked her fast and hard, keeping her pace consistent as her tongue swirled around her pussy. Lorna tried to sit up to watch her, but a forceful hand guided her down and pinned her to the floor. Her eyes rolled back and all she saw was red curls bouncing up and down as she felt herself nearing her release. Nicky was now going at unbelievable pace, slamming her fingers in and out of her. The slightly higher-pitched breaths that were coming from Nicky were such a turn on. Lorna wrapped her legs around Nicky's neck and screamed her name, arching her back and she shook and groaned. She came and Nicky ate it up, not moving back up Lorna's body until she had gone limp underneath her and struggled for breath, and even then Nicky continued to leave kisses on her sensitive lips. She enjoyed how Lorna's body jerked upwards every time her lips touched her. Eventually, she felt a hand tug on her hair, and she knew she was being summoned.
"Feel better?" Nicky grinned and wiped her chin, placing a light kiss on Lorna's stomach.
"Nicky, ya fuckin' killing me," Lorna groaned, trying to steady her breath. "This is why you can't fuck me first. I can't move now."
"Eh, don't worry 'bout it. You'll get me next time, yeah?" She pulled Lorna's hands until she was sitting, and placed a kiss on her cheek.
She rested her head on Nichols' shoulder, her breath slowly going back to normal. "Thank you," she finally whispered.
"Hey, thank you. That shit never gets old. Although I do miss doin' it in the chapel-"
"Not for fucking me," Lorna interrupted her, laughing. She looked Nicky in the eyes and smiled. "For putting up with me."
Nicky smiled. "We're both fucked up baby. It's not just you. It's everyone, we're fuckin' humans yeah?"
Lorna just smiled and bobbed her head silently as she often did when Nicky was consoling her. Nicky leveled her out. Lorna may be crazy, but Nicky was easily addicted. And now that she had permanently kicked her heroin habit, Lorna was her new drug of choice. Being addicted to an unstable person wasn't easy. She was up one day, and down an hour later. But Nicky never stopped chasing.
Lorna was scared today.
Nicky could tell, by the way she reacted to every touch and sound. A branch lightly tapped the outside of the window, causing Lorna to gasp and bury herself deeper under her covers. It was 7PM on a Sunday night, and Lorna's anxiety had been at an all time high. The sun had only just set, but she was exhausted from being on edge all day.
"This is me putting my arm around you, okay?" Nicky warned, as she slowly wrapped her arm around the trembling girl and held her tight. She had learned a while back to do anything in her power not to "sneak up" on Lorna. When she was in these moods, Nicky had to literally announce herself before walking into a room so not to startle Lorna - in a voice that wasn't too loud, but not too quiet and sudden that it would scare her.
"There's things crawling on the walls, Nick," Lorna squeezed her eyes shut and whimpered.
"No, there's nothing on the walls, kid."
Lorna took fistfuls of Nicky's shirt into her hands and looked up at her with big, wet eyes. She spoke in a voice creepily higher than normal, infused with a small child's lisp. "You're gonna take care of me and protect me, right?"
At the sound of the voice, Nicky groaned. Baby Lorna. She hated baby Lorna. She ruffled the girls hair and placed a kiss on her forehead. "Yeah. I'll take care of you. But let's try to go to sleep soon, okay? Nicky's gotta wake up early for work tomorrow."
"What do you do?" Again, with the damn baby voice.
"You know what I do Lorna. I work at a fuckin' laundromat. But my shift starts at 6, so I need to sleep now."
Lorna closed her eyes, and Nicky watched her for a few minutes before closing her eyes herself. For the most part, Lorna remained silent, except for a few twitches and whimpers. Each time she made a noise, Nicky's eyes shot open, and she stared daggers at the sleeping girl until she was able to close her eyes again. As long as Lorna had trouble sleeping, Nicky was too. And the more Lorna's anxiety grew, it doubled within Nicky as well.
At around 10:30, Nicky was jolted awake by violent, muffled screams. Lorna was laying down completely still, but shrieks were coming from her lips and her eyes were wide open, searching around the room frantically.
Nicky grabbed her arms and jerked her up so she was sitting, and grabbed her face and made her look into her eyes. "Lorna, I need you to wake up," she told her sternly. "You're having another sleep paralysis. Whatever you see, it's not real, okay? Come back to me baby. Lorna, wake up!"
It probably took no more than a minute to lure Lorna out of her sleep paralysis, but it felt like several hours for the both of them. Eventually, Lorna took a deep intake of air as if she had been holding her breath for a while, and collapsed into Nicky's arms sobbing. She held onto her so hard that it hurt, but Nicky allowed her to cry as she rubbed her tired eyes, and kissed her girlfriend's head.
"It's okay babe, it wasn't real."
"I saw the devil standing over our bed," she sobbed. She was hyperventilating, so Nicky scooped her up in her arms and brought her out to the balcony where they could get some air.
"The devil wasn't standing over our bed Lorna," she told her, retrieving a water bottle from the outside cooler and helping her drink from it. "I looked this up before, I told you. It's just sleep paralysis. It's normal to see scary shit like that and not be able to move."
"It was the devil," Lorna insisted in a shrieked whisper. Nicky almost rolled her eyes. "My sister told me. And so did my mother. They all believed me that it was the devil."
"Yeah, 'cause you're all a bunch of crazy Italians," Nicky said, in her normal straight-to-the-point manner. "You guys always believe in that crap. And it's fine, but I'm telling you it wasn't the fuckin' devil. You were hallucinating again. Besides, if the devil had extra time on his hands to pay a visit to someone in the Bronx, I think it would be someone that could raise a little more Hell than you, know what I'm saying'?" Nicky grinned, trying to get a smile out of Lorna, but unfortunately failing. "Eh, c'mon Lorna, lighten up. I hallucinated like crazy when I was coming off of heroin. It's not real! Yeah, it's fuckin' scary, and you always hallucinate the shit you're afraid of - never nice things like tacos, or meatloaf, or Angelina Jolie, but you just gotta keep telling yourself it's not real. Over and over again, okay?"
Lorna nodded. She sipped her water and stared out into the distance. "I don't think I can ever go back to sleep."
"Sure you can. C'mon, I'll put a movie on and we'll watch together. You always fall asleep watching movies, it'll be morning before you know it."
She took Lorna's hand in her own and guided her inside. The two got settled in their bed and Nicky put her arm around her. She saw her phone flashing red lights, and she knew it was probably the neighbors being a pain in the ass again. Anytime Lorna had a rough night, the neighbors heard everything. And, instead of being decent human fucking beings, the judgmental shits took to angrily texting Nicky, "I'm gonna call the cops if you don't shut her up" or "I'll pay for the cab ride to get that girl in a fucking asylum." What the fuck did they have to complain about? All they had to put up with was a few minutes of screams heard down the hall. And then it ended. It's not like they had to actually get involved, to use all their energy trying to stabilize the girl when all they wanted to do was sleep and have sex with her. It was a constant roller coaster ride to be in Lorna's life. That part they didn't have to deal with, so they had no reason to complain.
Lorna had her head on Nicky's chest. She was silently watching whatever Woody Allen movie Nicky had put on, when she quietly whispered, "Will you pray for me?" in such a hushed tone that she was barely audible.
"Pray for you?" Nicky repeated. "Lorna, praying's not gonna do anything. I'll try to lobotomize you before I start speaking to imaginary people on your behalf."
"Oh Nicky, for me? Please? It always helps me feel so much better. I mean, you love me, don't you?"
Nicky swallowed. It was hard for her to put her feelings into words. Everything in their relationship had basically been unspoken but understood, and she liked it that way. They had never officially asked each other to be dating, but they were. They never straight up said "I love you", but they did. Most of it was Nicky's fear of opening her heart, and Lorna's inability to take the lead in anything.
"Yeah kid, you know I got love for you." It was the best she could do. "I'm not good at praying."
"You don't have to be. Just speak with your heart."
Nicky sighed. She stared up at the ceiling, refusing to look at Lorna. It took her a minute to decide how to start her first prayer. "Dear Jesus…" she started flatly. "Well… I mean, it didn't rain today. My hair thanks you for that, that was pretty cool. You know my friend Lorna. I think you guys have talked a lot more than we have. I'm asking you to do me a solid, and eh, look out for her." She paused, then rolled her eyes and sat up and sucked her teeth. "This is ridiculous."
"No! You're doing great. Please…? Please, continue."
Nicky stared the girl down with her tough-guy face that she'd mastered years ago. Oh, the things she did for love. She laid back down and continued, making sure to keep her enthusiasm low, so it was obvious that she didn't really care.
"Anyway. She's going through some shit right now… and it'd be great if you could hold back on that a little. I don't know why you insist on straight up shitting all over her life, but she's had enough, and I think it's best that you give these problems to someone else. Ya know what, I'll even take them off her plate, if that's a little switch we could work out. I imagine you're kind of a business guy? I'm sure we could come to some sort of negotiation. But basically… I don't know, I guess I'm saying… if I had the choice, I'd take all her pain away just so I can see her smile. Because if I'm able to see her smile, I'm not really feeling pain at all, so it's a win-fuckin'-win. Let me know if that sounds good. If not, I'll eh… I'll just have to kill myself so I can meet you on the other side and kick your ass."
She looked at Lorna, still unamused. "Happy?"
Lorna's eyes were fighting to stay open. "That was beautiful Nicky."
"Yeah, yeah. Time to go to sleep, okay? A peaceful sleep. I need to make sure I get my rest and remain stunningly beautiful, so all the Latinas at work tomorrow hit on me."
Lorna fell asleep with a smile on her face. Even though she was exhausted, Nicky stayed up all night keeping watch over her. She knew there was no actual devil in the room, but she couldn't help but wonder if maybe by staying awake, Lorna's soul was a little more at peace.
Lorna was happy today.
Nicky could tell by the way she was actually greeted at the doorway. It was like having a dog. The minute she turned the key and kicked open the door, she heard quick footsteps and arms were instantly thrown around her waist.
"Heya kid," she said with a grin, kissing Lorna on the forehead. "Excited that it's Friday, eh?"
"I just had the most amazing day," she squealed.
"Yeah? Tell me about it." Nicky threw her bag on the couch and turned to face Lorna, but her smile quickly faded when she saw a shirtless man standing in the hallway.
Instantly, she reached for the knife on the counter and slowly walked towards him. "Who the fuck are you?"
"Nicky, you remember Christopher!"
Nicky looked at her roommate, attempting not to fall over from sheer horror, and utter heartbreak.
"My name's Matt, actually, but she insists on calling me Christopher," the guy shrugged nonchalantly, staring Nicky down. Upon seeing her figure, he gave her the most douche-bag of smirks. "So, what's your name?"
Before anyone in the room could blink, Nicky had the knife to his throat, and since he wasn't wearing a shirt, she grabbed a fistful of his hair and calmly lead him to the door. "I need you to get out right now," she said through gritted teeth. "Before I fucking stab you and use your blood to repaint my walls. I'm fuckin crazy - did ya know that I just got out of prison? So did this one - she was my prison bitch, I used to fuck her in the chapel. Did she tell you that, Matt?"
Matt had both his hands up, and quickly twisted the knob to open the door. "Okay-okay-no need to do anything insane. I'm leaving, okay? Nice to meet you Lena-"
Nicky shoved him violently out the door, and turned to see a gaping Lorna, very confused as to what was going on. "Why would you kick him out like that?" she asked innocently. "It's not like we had sex in your bed."
A sob escaped Nicky's lips, but no tears threatened to fall. It had been a while since she was able to truly cry, and let go of all of her emotions. She put the knife down on the counter, and slowly fell to her knees, feeling her vision blacking in and out. "Why… why would you-" She remained on her knees and held on to Lorna's legs to steady herself. "Why would you… bring that guy here? 'Cause-'cause he was white? 'Cause he looks like someone that… you thought you should marry?"
Lorna smiled and cupped Nicky's skin. "Silly girl, that was Christopher, my fiance! You've met him plenty of times, Nicky. You're acting really strange-"
"There is no Christopher," she shouted at her, much louder than she anticipated. She took a deep breath, feeling waves of nausea overtake her. "Christopher has a restraining order against you. 'Cause you're CRAZY. That guy - was just some fuckin' white guy that you found on the street, and-and brought him back to our house, and fucked him in our bed-" She cut her own sentence off when her voice began to crack. She took another deep breath and looked up at the ceiling.
Lorna was silent, then slowly raised her hands to her mouth. She looked down at Nicky, literally kneeling in front of her, slowly breaking down as she watched her. "Nicky…" she whispered, as reality slowly came to greet her again.
"Was it something I did?" Nicky's eyes frantically searched for an answer from the small girl in front of her. When her eyes were big like this, she looked so innocent, almost childlike. Nicky tried to force a smile. "Just tell me and I'll fix it. I swear I'll fuckin' fix it, you just need to tell me what I did, Lorna, and I swear to fuckin God-"
"I am so… so… sorry," Tears spilled from Lorna's eyes. She trembled, and she shook her head. "Please don't leave me Nicky, please don't leave me."
It was a curse to be so in love with Lorna. Probably more of a curse than a blessing. Being with her was nonstop disappointment occasionally interrupted by serene moments and great sex. But the need to be with her throughout it all was just too powerful. The pain Nicky felt from imagining the love of her life getting fucked in her own bed was too much to bear, but she could never let go of her. She would just have to find a way, as she always did, to swallow it and forget it.
"I couldn't leave you," she told her honestly, her already hoarse voice cracking. She gently pulled Lorna so she was sitting next to her. And for once, Nicky came to her for support, and laid down and rested her head in Lorna's lap. Lorna stroked her head and said nothing, because there was nothing to say. Just silent understanding. There were no words to fix anything anymore.
No one said it was an easy life. Lorna had her freedom, Nicky had her sobriety, but neither of these things fixed their fears or insecurities, but rather amplified them. When Lorna left prison her mind wasn't magically healed. When Nicky left prison she didn't lose her tendencies to obsess over things. There were no distractions anymore, nothing to keep them from coming to terms with who they really were. So they came together and it was forever a game of cat and mouse.
They sat on the kitchen floor and both knew there wasn't going to be an end. Lorna wouldn't stop with her fantasies. Nicky wouldn't give up on Lorna no matter how bad she had hurt her. They remained in their own black, broken worlds but stayed side by side and managed to hold hands throughout it, which allowed them to be the closest thing to stable. They weren't strong, but they weren't weak. They just survived. And they always hoped for better luck the next time around.