Telecommunication and Exotic Dancing
A/N: I don't own Community, or Magic Mike for that matter!
"Oh my Lord," Shirley fans herself vigorously as she, Britta and Annie exit the cinema. "I'm certain all strippers are going to go to hell, like that man-stealing trollop that temporarily blinded my Andre with her tattoos and looseness, but damn were those boys fine. I had to fight the urge to race up to the screen with a handful of singles."
"I told you you'd enjoy the movie, Shirley." Britta sounds smug as she slips her motorcycle jacket on and fluffs out her hair. "There's nothing better than seeing the traditional oppressors forced into the role of an object of lust. Why should women always be the stripper? Women have urges too and it's perfectly healthy for us to want to view the muscled and oiled torso of a pretty, beefy man who probably won't be able to add up all the singles you stuff into his thong."
By now Britta's face has developed a rosy flush and Annie views her with concern.
"Britta, are you ok? You're looking a bit overheated."
Britta waves away Annie's concern. "Perfectly fine. I just got a little worked up at the thought of, uh, you know, the oppression of women by men's lust."
"Okaaaaaay." Annie says slowly, eyeing Britta's glance darting back and forth to the Magic Mike movie posters plastered along the front of the building. "What time is Andre expecting you home, Shirley? Do we have time to go and get a drink?"
Shirley checks her watch. "It's only 10 now and I told him I wouldn't be home until at least 11.30, so let's go."
They wander towards a strip of restaurants and bars, Britta fiddling with her Totorola and swearing profusely as it randomly brings up options she didn't select. Annie leads them to a small cocktail bar and flashes her ID (her own, not Caroline Decker of Corpus Christi's) at the door.
"So did you enjoy the movie, Annie?" Shirley asks, sipping a virgin cocktail a few minutes later.
Annie wrinkles her face up and shrugs. "It was okay. I mean, those guys were pretty hot, but not really my type, I guess."
Britta's still poking at her phone and snorts at Annie's comment. "Foreheads not big enough for you? Damn this phone, I only got it out of the vending machine last week." She unceremoniously drops in onto the table and takes a swig from her drink, not hearing Annie's squeak of protest at the forehead comment.
"I don't know what you're implying, Britta." She says haughtily.
"Oh, honey, the boys aren't here. You don't have to pretend." Shirley says with some sympathy. "We all know you still have a thing for Jeffrey."
"Jeff!" Annie splutters. "That's so last year, Shirley. Besides, even if I did hypothetically still like him it wouldn't matter. He doesn't like me back."
"Ha! So you admit that you're still into him!" Britta crows triumphantly. "Troy said that Abed said you said you weren't in love with him, but I knew they were wrong. Besides, Jeff is totally in to you. It's so obvious. To everyone, I mean, not just those of us who are practitioners the mental arts and see things clearer than others."
"If that's true then why does he still hold me at arms' length?" Annie stabs her straw viciously into her cocktail, rattling the ice cubes and dislodging the decorative garnish. "I'm twenty one, I'm not a teenager anymore."
"As a psych major, I'd say Jeff has finally developed a conscious. You know, his own little Jeremy Grasshopper telling him 'Jeff! Don't despoil one of your best friends with a meaningless fling.'"
"It's Jiminy Cricket, and maybe I was to be despoiled in a meaningless fling." Annie snaps back. "Maybe I want Jeff to knock on my door dressed in his tight cowboy outfit and thrust his penis," Annie drops her voice momentarily, "in my general direction, like those strippers in that movie. Who, I might add are nowhere near as hot as Jeff."
"Mmm-hmm, you did not just imply that Channing Tatum is not the hottest thing since Theo Huxtable." Shirley shakes her head in disbelief at Annie's naivety.
"I'm with Shirley on this one. I mean, Jeff's okay to look at and his muscles are certainly pretty nice to touch, I suppose, but he's not really stripper material. He's too skinny these days." Britta says authoritatively, causing Annie to feel a hot flash of jealousy at Britta's past with Jeff.
She opens her mouth to respond when she notices Britta's phone is still lit up. "Britta, something's wrong with your phone. It's not going to catch fire, is it?" She shuffles along to the other side of the booth as Britta inspects her phone.
"No, it's fine, it's just, oh shit." Britta shoots Annie a quick nervous look before vigorously punching buttons on the Totorola and shoving it into her pocket.
"What? What's the matter?"
"Uh, I think I accidentally called Jeff before while trying to send Troy a message. We may have just left a voice message on his phone."
The colour completely drains from Annie's face as she processes Britta's words. "So he is going to hear us comparing him to a stripper and me wanting him to shake his thing at me?" Annie can hear her voice getting louder and higher pitched and the edges of her vision are starting to darken as she feels herself panicking.
"Whoa, Annie, sweetie, calm down! He'll realise that it's not a proper message and won't bother listening past a few seconds." Shirley says comfortingly, leaning over to pat Annie's hand.
"You'd think that would be the case," Britta says in a strangled voice, "But Jeff's really attentive to his phone messages, even the ones people innocently leave when they've had too much to drink when they're out with their girlfriends. He's a real douche like that."
"Oh my god. This is the worst night of my life. There's only one thing we can do. Break into Jeff's apartment, steal his phone and erase the message. Break and enter? Break and enter?" Annie says, turning to Britta and Shirley in turn.
Shirley and Britta exchange glances. "I do have a spare key to Jeff's apartment." Shirley offers at last.
"Excellent! Let's go." Annie jumps up from the booth and hops from side to side impatiently.
"Isn't Jeff at your apartment tonight playing Halo with the Troy and Abed while Pierce naps on the couch?" Britta asks. "He's sure to have his phone on him. He loves that thing almost as much as he loves his reflection; it's not going to be sitting conveniently in his empty apartment for us to steal."
"Ok, we'll go to my place. He normally dumps his keys and stuff on the kitchen bench when he comes in." Annie gestures to her co-conspirators to down their drinks. "Halo night usually winds up at around 11, it will take us approximately 12 minutes to drive home from here, maybe 14 if they're still doing night works on Main Street."
"Relax, will you? We've got plenty of time." Britta grumbles as she swigs the last of her drink and grabs her jacket.
Fifteen minutes later (damn those construction workers) Annie nervously puts her key into the lock. "Hi guys!" she says, perhaps a little too brightly. Her eyes dart around the room and zero in on the kitchen bench. Sure enough, Jeff has dumped the contents of his pockets out, including his phone.
The boys grunt in response, their attention locked on the game. Pierce lets out a snore from the couch.
"Don't mind us, we're just going to get some snacks and then go to my room, you know, for girl talk." Annie gestures wildly at Britta to grab Jeff's phone as she makes noise in the kitchen rifling through cupboards.
Britta gives her the thumbs up and they hustle into Annie's room and shut the door. Britta pulls the phone out of her pocket and hands it to Annie.
"It's password protected! That untrusting son of a –"
"Ahem!" Shirley loudly clears her throat over Annie's swearing. "Maybe we should just ask Jeff to delete his voice messages without listening to them?"
"Ha! Like that'll work." Britta flops down on Annie's bed. "He's more likely to listen to the whole thing then."
Annie's pacing back and forth, her brow furrowed. "Britta's right. He'll want to know why he can't listen to it and then he'll want to listen for sure. We just have to hide his phone." She immediately goes over to her underwear draw and stuffs the phone beneath a pile of panties.
She's pushing the drawer shut when there's a light knock on the door and it opens to reveal Jeff standing there.
"Jeff! You should have knocked! We could have all been naked." Annie cries out, pressing her back up against her bureau. Jeff raises an eyebrow at her reaction and flicks his glance to Shirley and Britta sitting placidly – and fully clothed – on Annie's bed.
"Um, ok then. I did knock, but obviously you didn't hear me. I was just wondering if any of you had seen my phone?"
"Your phone? Why would we have seen it? You probably lost it. I think you should just write this one off and head out tomorrow to buy another one. Maybe something a bit bigger so you'll always know where it is. Maybe something really brightly coloured as well. Like pink." Annie knows she's rambling, but the words are just spewing out of her mouth and there's nothing she can do to stop them.
"Here, use my phone to call it and see if it's around the apartment." Abed pops up helpfully next to Jeff and hands over his phone. Jeff presses a few buttons and waits expectantly.
"Do you hear that?" he asks, "I think I can hear my ringtone."
"'Sexy and I know it'?" Britta snarks. "Seriously?"
"Hey, just being honest." Jeff replies, taking a step into the room. "It sounds like it's coming from in here."
"I don't think so!" cries Annie desperately. "You know, I've heard some ringtones have a ventriloquist-like effect where it can sound like it's coming from one place and in fact be coming from across the apartment entirely. I mean, it sounds like it's coming from my underwear drawer, but I think for certain it's coming from underneath Pierce over on the couch."
"Annie, honey, just give him the phone." Shirley says at last. "I've got to get home to Andre and the boys soon and I'd rather the inevitable conclusion happens while I'm here to watch, I mean, help."
"Annie? You've got my phone?" Jeff asks in surprise.
She opens the drawer and rifles through her underwear to reveal Jeff's phone, which she holds out to him. "Just don't listen to your voicemail, okay? Britta's stupid Totorola rang you while we were talking and left a voice message and I'd rather you not listen to our conversation."
Jeff looks at Annie's face with its mixture of anxiety and unhappiness, then over to Shirley and Britta. "No problem. I'll delete it now, shall I?" He presses a few buttons and then slips the phone into his pocket. "Done."
"Really?" Annie squeaks. "You deleted it?"
"My whole message box, actually. I hope the salon didn't ring to change the time for my wax, I mean, my haircut."
Annie launches herself at Jeff and hugs him tightly around the middle. "Oof!" he gasps. "What was that for?"
"Thanks, Jeff." She murmurs. His arms are pinned by his side, but he manages to awkwardly pat her on the back.
The next night, Annie is settled in at the apartment for a night of studying. School is only a few weeks away and she still has three of her texts to read in preparation.
"Are you sure you don't want to come out with us?" Troy asks one last time. Annie gives him a smile and waves him out the door.
"I'm sure. You guys have fun. Don't forget to take your keys!" She hears Abed reminding Troy to grab his Constable Reggie whistle as they leave the apartment, the door slamming in their wake.
Annie turns back to her books and lets out a breath as she finds her place in the dense cookery text they've been set for home economics. It's tough going and she's only read a paragraph before there's a knock at the door.
"Guys! I told you to take your keys!" She shouts as she stamps through the apartment and flings open the front door. "I'm trying to – Jeff!"
She stares stupidly at Jeff standing manfully in the hall, wearing dark jeans, a slim fitting dark blue shirt and, oh my god, his cowboy hat. His thumbs are tucked into his belt loops and he's smirking at her.
"What…are you doing here?" she manages.
"Well, turns out Britta's crappy phone sends messages all over the place. I got up this morning to find a text I'm assuming she sent to you apologising for last night. Someone needs to tell Britta she doesn't need to rehash the entire episode in one message, by the way." He takes a step closer and Annie lets loose her death grip on the door and steps back into the apartment.
Jeff follows her in and shuts the door firmly behind him, then backs Annie over to the dining area and manoeuvres her into a chair.
"Now. I believe someone requested a cowboy and some inappropriate thrusting? Don't bother breaking out the singles, this is going to be worth a whole twenty."
The end.