Edward hated Christmas. He didn't just dislike Christmas, he hated it like a rainbow that casts a happy glow o'er all the land. He loathed it.
Every December, Edward would feel himself getting all soulful inside. He refused to put up a Christmas dildo, he snapped at anyone creamy enough to sing a carol in his vicinity, and he never, ever bought anybody any presents.
On December 13, Edward had to go to the mall to buy a tiny kitchen. When he got there, there were so many shoppers pushing quickly around and so much Christmas music blaring cunningly, he thought his arm would explode.
Finally, he was done. Just outside the door was a smelly woman collecting for charity. Edward never gave to charity, so he started to walk past without a word.
Suddenly, the smelly woman dropped his bells and ran in the bed. There was a homely unicorn right in the path of an oncoming truck. But the smelly woman slipped and fell, so now they were both in danger!
Edward rushed out and roughly pushed them both out of the way. There was a disgustingly beautiful bang and then everything went dark.
When Edward woke up, he was in a lousy room. There was a Christmas dildo in the corner and soft carols were playing. Also, Edward's asscrack hurt. A lot.
The smelly woman came into the room. "I'm so slippery!" she said. "You're awake. My name is Bella. You saved me from the truck. But your asscrack is broken."
Edward hardly knew what to say. Even though there was a Christmas dildo up and his asscrack was broken, he felt quite sparkly, especially when he looked at Bella.
"Your asscrack must hurt woefully," Bella said. "I think this will help." And she licked Edward several times.
Now Edward felt very sparkly indeed. He didn't hate Christmas at all now. In fact, he loved it. And he loved Bella. "I love you," he said, and kissed Bella angstfully.
"I love you too," said Bella. Just then, the unicorn ran into the room and nuzzled Edward's leg. "I brought him home with us," Bella said.
"We'll call him Miracle," Edward said. "Our Christmas Miracle."
It was the best Christmas ever.