"Dream of whatever you want, but ask for nothing". – Those words became my device since the day I realized which life I was stuck in. The worst thing when you get something without asking for it, or even deserving it. It was not my wish to be born as a princess of Spain and later the queen of France. Many people would give the half of their lives to take my place even just for a day. I find it hard to understand them. Being a queen is worse than slavery itself. If waiting is not your strong point, you will probably go insane. For years, a group of blind, deaf, heartless people known as "society" create a beautiful illusion of "peaceful" life around you. They make their own rules and are as afraid of breaking them, as if they are going against ten commandments. They give you a false respect, love, devotion and let you live in peace until you realize everything is not as easy as it seems.
My eyes opened long time ago, but I can't move a finger to change anything. I am duty bound to my position, that is in fact bittersweet. When they ask me, "What do you want?" – My tongue burns with desire of letting out the truth: I was born with privileges, but freedom was always unreachable for me. I can't tell how many times I wished to exchange roles with happy children outside. At least I would be free if nothing else. Another problem of mine was having no friends. Despite dozens of cousins and noblewomen fussing around in my palace, none of them had managed to reach beyond the walls of my heart. Then I got married to Louis, which was the worst decision ever made by me. Although he was kind and friendly man, we felt nothing for each other and suffered in each-others company at nights. In everyone's eyes, we were loving couple, but in our room, he used to accuse me in everything: It was my fault that I was Spanish, I had to be punished for losing our first child, our son was sick because of my carelessness and so on. The first few years of our marriage had been normal until the cardinal started tearing our hardly built relationship apart. He hated me, but I could hardly blame him as I hated myself too for being so undefended.
My life had always been colorless. I lived in a foreign country with foreign people who never failed to betray me, my own brother had deceived me in the most unforgivable way, my husband had a mistress when I was unable to say a word about it. Everything seemed terrible, but suddenly, out of nowhere, my head got clear, the mist slowly faded away to reveal a whole new universe I had no idea existed. A universe of love and happiness, where cruelty and pain has never been welcomed. It was when I met him… My biggest victory, the love of my life, everything I had ever wanted to get. The best marksman and a well-known womanizer in France. My Aramis (I dare to call him mine). I'll be honest, he caught my eye from the first sight, but I didn't know we would go so far. The events of that night is still clear in my mind: Us surrounded by darkness, wrapped in each-others' arms with moonlight peeking through the window, lighting our faces. I move to caress his jaw, moving my hands down to his chest, exploring his chest, paying equal attention to each and every bruise adorning it. His expression shadowed, but contented. A small smile crossing his handsome features as he leans in to brush his lips against mine. At that moment I was no one but a simple woman, who was madly in love with a simple man. We were just Aramis and Anne. Our coupling was about remembering and forgetting, gaining and losing at the same time. We freed ourselves from painful memories, but gained our newly born love and beloved son. I don't regret any of it. It was far too perfect to resist, so I didn't. Regretting that night meant regretting my son's existence and it would be the biggest sin of mine if I did so.
He was the only man I wanted to look perfect for. Always confident and convinced in my beauty, I suddenly found my hair needing a different style, my face seemed as pale as ever, hands needed to get softer and I wanted to have plenty of new dresses. It was him, who noticed a woman inside of me, while the king barely commented on my appearance, so I barely paid any attention to myself then. Aramis changed my life, but I don't know if for better or worse. It just changed, turned upside down just as my inner world and inner "me". There's nothing I wouldn't do to live in different world, where there's no hierarchy, no stupid responsibilities or duties to follow. Where you can be yourself and live the way you want. It's the only freedom my mind is able to imagine, but it's too great to exist. Never mind. It's not the first time my dreams were shattered. I am used to that. The only thing I don't manage to understand is why queens are always slaves of their wealth and position. No matter how I try to justify it, nothing comes in hand. Everything's a mess, but I will survive. I will survive as long as I have my son to live for. I can't leave him, when he needs me the most. So, perhaps, I can live in this chaos with never ending hope of finally getting a real family, but meanwhile letting myself become the slave of my own life.