Life, Death And Pyreflies
It shouldn't have happened this way. How many hopes were born and destroyed today? How many lives did Sin take this time? Hundreds? Maybe even some thousands... So many people who put their hopes into this, so many thought they would come out of this as heroes. Even the Al-Bhed, who had been always ostracized from society for their different views, were given a hope of becoming heroes to the people of Spira. The type of heroism that was only given to High Summoners, the recognition for bringing a new Calm... Just a few hours ago, they were all so excited. The warriors were making the last preparations, little details strategies were being discussed; the al-Bhed loaded their big canons, hoping to impress the Spiran population with them, maybe even convince the Church of Yevon that machinas weren't that bad. After all, after all this, Sin would be gone, thanks to their machinas, right?
Soldiers were hoping to return home and tell everyone their tales. Husbands would make their wives proud, fathers and mothers would become heroes to their children,... but most of all, it was the pride of saying "I defeated Sin" that was moving them all.
But at the same time, in the "backstage" of all this, the Maesters weren't so hopeful. I didn't want to believe in them, they couldn't be telling the truth. Why would they support all this if they were so sure that it wouldn't work? No, it couldn't be, this had to work. So many efforts, so many devotion...
But now is all gone. All the hopes, all the heroism, all the lives... only Sin remains, somewhere out there, roaming in the sea, waiting for new victims, new lives to take. Why? It all looked so perfect, we had so much power, I truly believed that all those machinas could rival a Final Aeon. But I should have known, this is the way things work. It was the way a thousand years ago, and it is the way right now. The only way....
I guess... it's up to me now. Or Dona, or Belgemine, or any other Summoner out there. Is up to one of us to complete the task that these men couldn't accomplish. To bring Sin down, bring a new Calm... My journey will go on, my fate remains the same; not that I was hoping to be any other way, as Sin would eventually come back.
But, for the moment, the Pilgrimage will have to hold on for a day or two; right now it up to me to... to make sure that all these souls reach the Farplane safely. I found this spot on the beach with just a few lifeless bodies in my way, and I have my staff ready; I have to remove my boots, as they don't allow me to make the fluid movements required for the ritual. The sand feels abnormally cold. I am ready,... at least, I think I am. But on a second thought... How can I ever get ready for this? How can anyone be ready to say the final goodbye, to send all these people to the domain of the dead? And even worse for me, the one who has to lead the dead to their final rest. Back in Besaid, during my training to be a Summoner, the priests thought me that the Sending was just the manipulation of pyreflies, just a ritual to lead them to the Farplane. And I believed in that, I believed that I could handle it; after all, it was just pyreflies, the people were already dead.
How wrong was I. There was no training that could prepare me to the real essence of the Sending, and I learnt that the hard way in Kilika. What the priests never thought me (probably they have no idea how the Sending really works) was how to deal with all the emotions that come to us, how to repel all the thoughts that assault your mind.... And today, I'll have to go through it all over again.
But there's no time to think about this right now. The sooner I start it, the sooner it will be done.
I close my eyes, and empty my mind... I just need the strength to make the first step, from there, my body just moves for itself. And I'm glad for that, as I doubt that I could be thinking about the dance and dealing with the lost souls at the same time; I would probably crumble to the ground with all the thoughts that cross my mind during the ritual. Pyreflies start to move around me... I can't see them (I chose not to see anything, I prefer to keep my eyes closed) but their presence starts to become obvious.
I can see.... I'm arguing with this captain of the Crusaders about the canon of the left side of the cliff, but he doesn't understand what I'm saying, he doesn't understand my language. I'm home, a nice hut in Kilika, watching the sunny day outside; but, what is this? Sin? No!... I need to put my wife in safety, but... No,... Sin was too fast, now it's all gone, and my wife is dead... why? I feel so much despair, I just want to kill myself... but no, I'll avenge her death! I'll join the Crusaders, and fight Sin!
Now I'm in Luca, I shouldn't be here. I should be going to Mushroom Rock and join my Crusader companions. But I don't want to miss this game; the Goers against the Aurochs in the finals? This was something worth watching! But, now in Bevelle, I don't really care about Blitzball. Sure, it is fun to watch, but nothing can take away the happiness that I feel right now; my lover finally proposed to me! We're going to be so happy together! This is probably the best day in my life. Or is it the worst? Yeah, probably the worst, I've heard that Sin attacked Kilika, and now my brother is probably dead.... Why does Sin takes away all I love?
Pain, joy, despair, passion, excitement... a whole life passes in my head as the pyreflies circle around me. This is what I hate about the Sending. It isn't just about sending the pyreflies to the Farplane; every pyrefly holds the life of one of the people who have died here today. The emotions, the memories... The whole life of a person is focused on those small orbs of light, and every time I touch them, that life becomes my life, those feelings become my feelings, those hopes become my hopes, and their failures become my failures.
My foot spins on the sand, and I am in Sanubia, trying to convince my parents that I'm joining that Crusaders operation whatever they like it or not. My arm waves in the air, and I see my father being swallowed by the water as Sin destroys my once cherished home. My rod goes high above my head, and I feel the happiness of having my first child resting in my arms peacefully. My arm traces a circle, and I am a small boy, watching my father cleaning his sword, and hoping that someday I'll be like him, a brave warrior fighting fiends and protecting people from Sin. My head turns, and I feel the embarrassment of a teenager who was just caught by his parents drinking a full bottle of beer by myself. My foot touches the sand, and I feel the pride of watching my grandson win a prize for his efforts to rebuild homes for those who lost everything to Sin.
So many lives, so many different emotions... but in the end, it's almost all the same. A trace another circle, this time with my rod, and I see Sin coming in my direction... he's so much bigger than I thought! I raise my foot, and I see my companions being turned into dust around me, and then, my own arms begin to be dust too; it hurts so much, I can't handle the pain! Fortunately, it only lasted a few fractions of second, until I existed no more. Another spin, and I'm inside a big machina, Sin is right in front of me, I can even stare into his eyes... I'm doing it, my machina is repelling Sin! But, no, no! Come on! Stupid machina, don't give in now! No!.... A pyrefly touches my neck, and I feel the despair of a child that didn't live enough to reach his 10 years of life. I'm running away from the sea. Where's daddy? I can't find him anywhere! Dad? DAD?!
And then, I die.
And die again. And again. And die once again, and over again, and again.... Sometimes is quick, sometimes is painful. Sometimes, I just want to try to save myself, other times, I try to protect my son, or I just whisper "I love you" to my lover who is safely waiting for my return, that will never happen.... But I always end up dying. Hundreds, thousands of times. How many times did I die today?
I tried really hard to follow Lulu's advice, and not to cry. But how is that possible? How can I live thousands of lives in a few minutes, and hold on the tears? I know that my duty as a Summoner is to give hope so Spira, to smile in all situations, to give a happy face when all hope seems gone... but I have just experienced life and death, I have felt the joy of marriage, the miracle of having a child, the pride of protecting those I love, the pain of watching my home being destroyed,... How can Lulu or the priests understand this? They can't.
The dance is over. There are some renegade pyreflies floating above the sand, but the dead have all been sent. But my work is far from over. Now I have to care about the living. I hide my tears so no one can ever see them; it's my duty to hide them from the eyes of Spira. I look around to see a landscape of sand, rocks and bodies; I can't even tell who is alive or not. In the distance, I recognize some one.... His blue eyes show sadness, confusion, and maybe a little pity... maybe he knows a little bit about what I've been through... No... I think he just understands how I feel right now, he doesn't know why, but I believe he can see how tired I am. His expression changes a bit, there is something in him that is trying to say "It will be alright"... and I find comfort in those eyes, I want to believe in that, I really do. But I can't, I know that it won't be alright. Not until I finish the Pilgrimage... only then it will be alright. It would be so nice if this all went away, if I could just stare into those eyes and forget everything. But I can't, I shouldn't even be thinking these things. I have a duty, and I can't let anything... or anyone, distract me from that. Deep inside, I have pity for him, he doesn't know yet... I'm afraid he will only find at the end, but I can't gather the courage to say it to him either.
I just wished I didn't have to say it, that it won't happen, that I could stay with him... No, I can't think like this. I can't allow myself to have this kind of feeling. I have work to do, the survivors need my help.
I start to walk away to meet with the ones who are still alive. This is not as bad as the Sending, but is still very disturbing. Some of them beg for my help, some others start to give up. I help them with all I have, casting healing spells in the open wounds, trying to fix the pain trail that Sin left here, always with a smile on my face. "It will be alright", "I take care of that", "Don't worry"... I wonder how can I say that, when the thing that I most want right now is someone to say those words to me. Memories of his blue eyes just a few minutes ago cross my mind again, and I feel safe, even for just a rare moment, until I have to heal another wound, and give another fake smile of encouragement.
A priest approaches me, saying that some people were already being transported to the temple at Djose. He asks for my help to heal the wounded that are on the way to the temple, and I have no other choice but to agree to help (it's my duty, it's my life). He also says that some of the soldiers already died on the way to Djose... I'll just have to perform another Sending, then. The priest thanks me for all my help, and starts walking towards the road that leads to the temple. I allow myself to frown, just for a moment and hiding my face from everyone's sight, until I put my mask again and begin the healing again.
Tomorrow, another Sending. How many times will I die tomorrow? I'd rather not think about that right now. I just think about the time when this will all be over. Maybe one would think that the Sending ritual makes my journey harder, but actually, it makes it easier. It reminds me of why I became a Summoner. Just to think that defeating Sin will mean no more deaths, no more hopes erased, no more lives ruined... It keeps me walking towards Zanarkand.
And, after dying so many times, after seeing what is like to lose everything to Sin, I don't care giving my own life to Spira. When I'm here and I see a man asking for his son, the same child that I was while performing the Sending, or when I'm healing a woman, and he asks if I saw her husband around, the man whose happiness I felt when the woman in front of me accepted his proposal... No, it's not so hard to die for the happiness of the people of Spira.
Not hard at all.
The End