So...I made this because I found out the true meaning of "Love can feel like heaven, but can hurt like hell." This is my first songfic, so please try not to kill me. I don't own Tokyo Mew Mew or this song. It is "I Don't Wanna Know" by Mario Winans. This is all in Aoyama's POV.
I finish my kendo practice, hearing the girls yell with glee. All but one, the voice I used to hear every match, every day. The voice I dream of, the voice I love the most. The voice I barely hear anymore.
I see my Senpai walking towards me, but unlike like the usual kind smile on his face, it's different. He's frowning, why? Could it be sadness? No...sympathy? Why, though?
"Nice practice today, Aoyama-san..." He doesn't sound like his normal self, more...sympathetic?
"Thank you, Senpai." I try saying happily, it doesn't seem to help. The frown is still ever present. "Senpai, is something wrong?"
"Aoyama-san, it's about Ichigo..." He looks at me earnestly, but what worries me is what he said. Ichigo? What could she have to do with this? I don't see her a lot, one year after the final Mew battle we hardly talk anymore. I try, oh how I try, but it's like she's avoiding me...It doesn't make since. We were so close...so in love. What happen? I ask myself all the time. It started happening three months ago. I thought nothing of it at first, but as time went on it seemed Ichigo didn't want me around. Always saying she was to busy or something came up. I never asked...out of fear.
"Well, someone told me they saw her...with someone else. It looked like she was...were..." My Senpai glances to the side, like he doesn't want to say more. His eyes return back to mine, the worry only increases in my mind and heart. She was with someone else...?
"W-who? W-what did it look like she was d-doing?" I stammer, my mind wants to know, but my heart doesn't. I feel as though I know what he's about to tell me. My heart...I can already feel the thorn piercing it's way into me. Cutting, penetrating deep within my heart.
"Kissing another boy, they didn't see his face but he has dark colored hair, maybe black or...green? It wasn't you, he was far to pale. Almost as white as the moon..." Green? Pale? No...that can't be right! The only other boy I know with green hair, who is that pale is...NO! She wouldn't, never would she do such a thing! Right...? Yes...that has to be the truth. My Ichigo wouldn't...would she? I can't ask her, I won't...I'll trust her, I love her so much...I'll just keep it to myself.
Somebody said they saw you.
The person you were kissing wasn't me.
And I will never ask you.
I just kept it to myself.
The next morning I see you, making your way over to me smiling. The way you smile now...it's fake. You're not happy to see me, it's clear enough to tell you'd rather be somewhere else. Or with someone else? I don't know and never want to, I'd rather see you smile at me. Fake or not, just please keep smiling. Even if you don't mean it, my heart can't deal with the fact you might love another. It hurts enough, but seeing you smile...it helps somewhat. I love your smiles, I never want you to stop. I want you to be happy. I adore and cherish the beautiful way you laugh, the way you blush when embarrassed, how over joy you get. Now you don't seem happy around me, not like before. Why? I don't want to know, my heart doesn't want the answer...
I don't wanna know
If you're playing me - Keep it on the low.
'cause my heart can't take it anymore.
and if you're creepin please don't let it show.
Oh baby, I don't want to know.
"Good morning, Aoyama-kun." She says cheerful, but it almost sounds forced. I know she doesn't want to be here, to be with me. It hurts, so much it hurts. When does the pain stop? When will she see what she's doing to me? Why must it hurt so bad?
"Ohayo gozaimasu, Ichigo..." I pull her into a gentle hug, being close to her makes the pain disappear for the time being. Holding her, I can't help but wonder who else could be doing the same thing. Who else could be hugging, kissing, loving her? I would ask her, but I can't. My heart won't allow it. Because if it's true my heart will surely die with my soul. She's everything to me. Why doesn't she understand? I'd do absolutely anything for her, I've always done my best to love and protect her. I would die for her as long as it meant she could live a happy life.
Pulling away from the hug, I look deeply in your eyes. I remember the way you used to look at me. How I loved when your eyes would light up so very brightly. But now, their dimly lit. I see how you feel, how you wish to be with him. It kills me inside, my heart beats slowly as the pain comes back. If only I could ask you. But no, I can't. My heart hurts enough, asking is like making a death wish. It's suicidal, please don't tell me. Never say the four words that would stab me so deeply in my heart. Don't tell me...never say I don't love you. I beg of you, Ichigo. My princess, don't say the very thing that would kill me. As I already feel like I'm dying, my mind knows the truth but my heart doesn't. It won't listen because it doesn't want to believe, it doesn't need the truth. It's hurting enough as it is. I'm dying inside, do you know that? Even if you do, never tell me. Don't...please...
I think about it when I hold you.
When lookin' in your eyes - I can't believe.
I don't need to know the truth.
Baby, keep it to yourself.
"Will you be able to watch my kendo match this time?" I ask, smiling sadly. Doesn't she know? Can she not see the sadness in my eyes? In my voice? If so, she'll never mention it. But do I want her to? No, for fear she'll say those deadly words. I want her to know how much she's hurting me, but if I do...What would she say? Would she tell me goodbye? Would she tell me about the other man? I don't know...I never want to know. I feel so weak thinking about it, what went wrong? Did I not love her enough? I thought we'd always be together, that we would always love each other. I still love her with all my heart, mind, body and soul. But does she? Does she still love me as much as I love her? I don't want the answer. I can't stand the thought of it. It's the worst pain possible, the very definition. I want her to love me...I'll always love her no matter what. But how does she feel? Can my heart take it? I don't think so, I never want the question answered...
I don't wanna know.
If you're playing me - Keep it on the low.
'Cause my heart can't take it anymore.
and if you're creepin', please, don't let it show.
Oh baby, I don't want to know.
"I'm sorry Aoyama-kun, but I can't. I'm still helping out with the cafe. Maybe the next one?" She almost seems happy about it, her excuses never fail to surprise me. Either it be work, homework, or having to be home at a certain time. I know it's not true, none of it is. You can see it in her eyes. Why does she do this to me? What does he have that would make her lie to me? Is it the way he holds her? Does he caress her cheek better than me? Is it the way he kisses her? How he hugs her more affectionately than me? Is his touch more lovingly than mine?
Did he touch you better than me? (Touch you better than me?)
I remember how she slept on my shoulder whenever we were in the park, under the biggest cherry tree. How her eyelashes fell beautifully on her face. How her chest would rise and fall peacefully, her face always looked so tranquil. She would purr in her sleep, cuddling up to me like an cat to it's master. Did he watch her fall asleep? Does he relish her sleeping, like me? Does he live for moments like that with her?
Did he watch you fall asleep? (Watch you fall asleep, baby?)
Could he offer her anything like that? I live for her, does he? No, not anyone in this world could ever hope to love her as much as me. She'll never be able to feel that kind of love with another, but even though she can't see it, I wonder. Does he tell her about this pain? Does he know that it feels like having her rip my heart out and stomp on it? Does he tell her about how much she hurts me? But does she care? Care about the pain spreading through me like poison? A horrible feeling beating inside my heart. Does he let her know? The pain is unbearable, words can't describe. Does he even try?
Did he show you all those things? (0hhhh)
and the things you do to me (do to me, baby)
There's nothing I can do anymore. If he makes her happy, then so be it. I don't know what to say, but the fact is nothing else can be said. She loves him and not me, it's what she wants. I can't stop her, oh I wish I could, but no. She doesn't love me anymore, right? It's hard, I never knew such pain was in this world. I never wanted to know about it, to feel it. I speak hollow words to her, which never seem to make it into her ears. She can't hear me, she doesn't hear my screams of agony. My yells for help, my sobs of hurt. I have nothing more I can say to her, if she wants him I can do nothing to stop her. It's over. I can't be around her now, seeing the very person who's killing you without knowing is to much too bare. I don't want to look at her, I don't want to hear her voice, to see that fake smile anymore. Go away, just leave me alone. Take this pain with you, please take it back! Please make it go away with you! I love you, but never come around me again. I can't deal with it anymore. I'll never stop loving you, but go...STAY AWAY!
If you're better off that way,(Better off that way)
then it's more than I can say. (More than I can say)
If you want to do your thing,(Oh!)
Girl, then stay away from me.(Stay away from me, baby)
"I see...Ichigo, are you-I mean, have you been...?" I trail off, not wanting to continue. My voice starts fading away with my heart beat. I want it all to stop, this pain...Why? I can't stop asking myself, but the one thing I try asking her can never leave my lips. I can't find my voice, the pain in my heart is getting worse by the second. I wanted to be her love, all she needed. It wasn't enough, I know now. But I can't let my heart know of that answer. The answer she'd tell me, I can't. My heart is barely alive, I'm fighting everyday to survive, to keep breathing. I know the answer, but my heart doesn't and never shall. Hasn't it had enough by now? Yes, of course. But it still won't listen, it can't stop bleeding love for her. Soon I know it will die from heartbreak, it can't last much longer. Heartbreak may heal, but always leaves scars. Will mine heal? Can it ever go back to the way it was before? I don't know, I don't wish to ever know. But it can't keep going like this, why Ichigo? Why don't you love me anymore? But I can't ask you that question, for the answer will kill me.
My heart can't take it anymore, don't tell me. Don't tell me you love Kisshu, don't tell me you have no feelings for me, don't tell me anything. Keep it to yourself. Stay silent, do not speak. Say no more, my princess. Your eyes tell me everything, your kiss says more than a thousand words. But don't let my heart hear you, it can't. It can't know.
I don't wanna know.
If you're playing me - Keep it on the low.
'Cause my heart can't take it anymore.
And if you're creepin', please, don't let it show.
Oh baby, I don't want to know.
If you're playing me - Keep it on the low.
'Cause my heart can't take it anymore.
And if you're creepin', please, don't let it show.
(0hhhh baby)
"I have to go now, Aoyama-kun! Bye!" She runs away, leaving me alone. I know this is how it's meant to be. I know who she's going to see. I know she doesn't love me anymore. I know all of this, but not my heart. I wish I knew why she does this to me, when it all started. When she first fell in love with him, when she stopped loving me. When she stopped smiling sincerely towards me, when she felt the need to be with him. When she stopped caring, when he came back for her. When she wanted him, when she made up her mind he was the one she loved. I should ask her, I should try. But no, I'll never be able to look her in the eyes and ask the most painful question of all. Never, I can't and won't. Because I'd rather not know the truth, even if it's clear to see. Even if my mind knows, my heart shall never hear the answer. Because I will never ask her.
I don't wanna know.
Review please...