There are times when you get surprised, when you feel happy, then there are times when you feel weak and you feel the need to curl up next to someone safe, asking them to make everything alright again. You want them to take care of the frightening things and the hard decisions. You want them to hold you tight and simply love you.
Those were the feelings that I felt now. I had never felt so alone and despite my height, I had never felt so small.
"This is ridiculous!" I was eighteen years old and an adult. I was not supposed to fear anything, that was at least what I tried to tell myself while I read the acceptance letter from Stanford. I could not believe it. It had to be a joke, a cruel one, yes, but only a joke because there was not a chance in the world that I of all people had gotten accepted to America's best school in law.
No matter how unbelievable it was, it was true. To make things even worse, it was a full ride scholarship. My poor excuse about not being able to afford it turned useless in front of my eyes. The other excuse was that I was not interested. I had changed my mind and law was not my thing…. that was the lie I repeated over and over to myself at least, but if I actually let myself be honest it still was. I still wanted to study law more than anything else.
This was a dream coming true. I had wanted to go to Stanford since I decided that I was interested in law, and I wanted to say yes so baldly, every fiber in my body wanted it, and it hurt knowing that I could not accept it. Dad would never allow it and would end up burning this letter, staying fuming mad at me for weeks. Dean would get a hurt look in his eyes, hurt beyond belief that I had not told him about applying for pre law at Stanford University.
Hope filled me, all the possibilities that came with this opportunity ran through my head. I could make something out of myself. I could have an ordinary job, with normal friends and maybe a family.
As fast as those feelings came, they were replaced with dread and anger. Dread because I knew that I never could tell my family about it. Anger because I let my dad frighten me, but mostly anger at myself for not being able to stand up to him. I did not do it because of Dean, who was more a father to me than dad ever would be. He had always been there, every single step on the way. I no longer wanted to impress dad, but Dean. I loved that I was so proud of the smiles he often sent my way. I loved the secure feeling he gave me and I loved those hugs he would give me from time to time. In that moment I craved one of those hugs. I wanted to smell the leather of his leatherjacket, the after shave he used, and the smell of Dean. Of my Dean.
Suddenly I heard the Impala driving up in front of the motel and I panicked. They could not know about this! Dad would be so angry and Dean would be so disappointed that I had never told him about it. Without a second thought I threw myself at the bed I used to sleep in, hid the letter at the very bottom of my duffel bag and threw the bag under the bed. I had just picked up a book and pretended to read when the door burst open with a loud thud.
"Missed me much Samantha?" Dean asked as he strolled in with his bag swung over his shoulder. "Actually yes, I did" I replied with a smile as I stood up to great him and my dad.
"Sam there are two more bags in the car, bring those in" dad ordered as he walked in and went straight to the bathroom. Well hello to you too dad…
I did as I was told. I brought the bags indoors and put them next to the other bags on the floor.
"How did it go?" I asked concerned as I saw a few scratches on Dean's arms after he took his jacket off.
" I will never break a promise to a women Sammy, that is for sure!" was Dean's response as he looked though the cabinets. "Sammy have you not shopped at all since we left?!" I cringed a bit. I knew that we did not have that much money and my appetite had not been the best.
"Ehm…I did not need anything? We had enough" I lied. For the last couple of days my hunger had grown since I only had eaten once a day, if even that. Dean turned around and fixed me with one of his glares that made me feel like a child again. He was about to say something, probably reprimand me, but my dad came out again in a hurry.
" Dad?" I asked confused when he grabbed his bag again and one of the bags that contented guns.
" A hunter called and said he needed help as soon as possible ,so I am heading out again".
" Do you need help?" Dean and I asked in unison.
" I got it, Dean take care of Sam" with those words dad left without looking back. The door slammed closed and Dean went and put the salt lines in place.
" It is late so we will just order a pizza and buy groceries tomorrow" Dean decided. At least he did not yell at me.
A few hours later I laid in my bed. The feeling of insecurity and the childish need of feeling secure overcame me and I sat up in the bed. A look over at Deans bed showed that he was asleep. Silently I went over to his bed and climbed in next to him, something I had not done in years. I cuddled closer and breathed in the scent of Dean.
"Sammy?" I should not have been chocked to hear Deans voice wide awake.
"Yes?" I asked in a small voice. His arm wrapped around my shoulder and pulled me closer to him, and I laid my head on his chest.
" What is wrong?" he asked softly. Everything I wanted to say. I want to follow my dreams, but I cannot stand the thought of you being disappointed in me. I am scared that you will hate me if I tell you about the acceptance letter. I want to tell you about the acceptance letter I thought.
" I just missed you" came out instead.
" Sammy?" I buried my face in his chest and refused to continue the conversation. I felt Dean sigh before he pulled me even closer and I felt his lips brushing a light kiss at my temple and his hand playing gently with my hair. I was soon lulled to sleep.