Smoke
By: White Rain
Disclaimer: I don't own X/1999
Pairing/Character: Arashi/Subaru, Sorata/Arashi, Seishirou/Subaru
Summary: She married him because she no longer wanted to be alone.
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Arashi tells Subaru to eat because it's what Sorata would have done, not because she has any strong desire to get him to eat. She doesn't have it in her to give him the will to live.
Subaru responds by giving her that dead smile of his and tell her she should eat as well.
He's still kind, despite everything.
-
Sorata had her first kiss and her first time. It was awkward, messy, rough at the wrong moments, and gentle at the right and utterly perfect because she'd never felt so loved or complete in her life.
The first time with Subaru wasn't much better or worse technically. Subaru had little idea what to do and Arashi was trying not to cry because she still associated sex with Sorata. She was brought out of her thoughts of Sorata when Subaru muttered 'Seishirou-san' in her neck.
When it was over, a thought struck her. She pulled the sheets around her and asked, "Was that your first time?"
"Seishirou-san wouldn't have been content with just taking that from me," Subaru said, lying down and avoiding her gaze, "so he didn't bother. Or maybe he didn't want me."
Sorata would have laughed and said, "I saw that first fight. Are you blind?"
-
The nights Subaru lays in bed with her, blood still coating his hand because he can't bring himself to wash it away, Arashi is unsure what to do.
It's not that Arashi thinks less of him for killing people; it's really no different then how she thinks about Sorata when she cooks or sleeps with Subaru. She was lucky. Sorata wanted to save her; Sakurazuka wanted to own Subaru at any cost.
For awhile, she says nothing, not sure if it's her place to do anything. Until, one night, when his shoulders shake. She turns him carefully on his back looks into his miss-matched eyes. "Is there anything I can do?"
He looks shocked, like he always does when someone shows they care about him. It dully occurs to her that he shouldn't feel that way at all, she his is wife, after all. But this arrangement was more about ghosts than love.
"I don't deserve anything," Subaru said. "I made this choice, knowing what it meant."
Arashi wasn't and still isn't satisfied with that answer, but she doesn't know what else to do. So, she rests her head on his neck and closes her eyes.
Before she falls asleep, she hears him say, "I'm sorry."
-
She married him because she no longer wanted to be alone.
She once asked him why he married her.
"Seishirou-san would hate it," Subaru said. "I also let him down by being a bad Sakurazukamori. This hurts."
Arashi nodded, because it made sense. She generally valued logic over emotion; it made more sense.
He then set his hand on her shoulder, "You also killed the one you love."
That startles and confuses her for a moment. Until she suddenly remembers about how he cared for Kamui and how that began.
"You are still kind," Arashi told him. It was the only time she did, because she never wanted to see that look in his eyes again; alive but in so much pain.
Normally, when complimented or told of any good trait he had, he would disagree and tell of one of his many flaws he punishes himself with daily. That time, he did not.