A/N: Hello again friends! Hope everyone is enjoying the new year! This one came to me after reading the description for the upcoming new episode, the part about Hotch struggling with his return to work. I love the friendship between Hotch and JJ, and I've been waiting for just a little conversation between the only two parents on the team about coping with leaving your child behind. So this was my chance to explore that a little bit.
Special thanks to Cinny and Falc for reading through this one for me. Falc...I always feel a little more confident about writing from JJ's perspective after I talk to you! And Cinny...thanks for pointing out a few mistakes that I missed. Hopefully I've corrected them all now! Anyway, I hope you all enjoy this one. Leave me a review and tell me what you think! Love it...hate it.... let me know!
The insistent buzzing of the cell phone on the nightstand next to his bed brought him out of what was at best a slightly restful sleep. He groggily reached for the device and pressed the green button.
"Hotchner," he mumbled.
"Hey, it's me," Jessica responded. "I'm sorry to wake you..."
"What's wrong?" He cut her off, now fully awake, every nerve in his body on high alert.
"He's okay. It's just..." sher voice tailed off. "He had a dream about his mom and Foyet and I can't get him to calm down. He only wants you. I think he just needs to hear your voice and know you're okay and you're coming home soon."
Hotch rubbed his eyes and the back of his head trying to calm his nerves.
"Okay, just give me a second to go outside. I don't want to wake Dave."
He stood up, pulled on a pair of sweatpants and a t-shirt, and slipped quietly past a softly snoring David Rossi into the hallway. He sat on the floor against the wall and took a deep breath.
"Okay, what happened?"
"He had a dream about the day Haley died, only this time you didn't come back for him. He woke up screaming for you. He thought Foyet had gotten you, too. He's been crying ever since."
"God."
He closed his eyes as his chest constricted. This was what he feared when he decided to return to the BAU. This was exactly the scenario that plagued his conscience. His son needed him, was begging for him, and he wasn't there.
"Aaron?"
"I'm still here." His voice shook with uncertainty. He cleared his throat trying to push through the lump that resided there so he could speak again. "Is he okay?"
"He's getting there."
"Let me talk to him."
Jessica put Jack on the phone.
"Daddy?"
Hearing the tears in his son's voice broke his heart. He struggled to keep his composure.
"Hey buddy. You okay?"
"Where are you?"
"I'm in Florida on a case, remember? Aunt Jessica said you had a bad dream. Do you want to tell me about it?"
"George hurt Mommy. And I was hiding and waiting for you, but you didn't come."
"I'm sorry, buddy."
"I thought he hurt you, too."
Jack was still crying. It was tearing Hotch apart.
"I wish I could be there with you right now. But remember, George is gone. He can't hurt anybody anymore."
"I know."
"Do you want to hear a secret?"
"Okay."
"I have bad dreams about him, too."
"Really?"
"Yeah. And I wake up scared or confused. And sometimes, like you, it takes me a long time to calm down, too. But then I remember that you're home and safe, and that George can't hurt us anymore. Do you understand?"
"Yeah," Jack sniffled. "I wish you were home now."
This was torture. All Hotch wanted to do was wrap his little boy in his arms and reassure him that he was safe, to protect him from the world and the horrors that reside in it. But he was sitting on the floor in the hallway of a hotel 1,000 miles away.
"I wish I was there, too. I'm sorry this case is taking so long, Jack. Hopefully it will be over soon and I'll be able to come home."
"I hope so. I miss you."
"I miss you, too. Are you okay now?"
"Yeah."
"Good. It's pretty late. You should try to go back to sleep now, okay?"
"Okay, Daddy. I love you."
"I love you too, son. Good night."
He hung up the phone and buried his face in his hands. So many questions ran through his mind all at once at a dizzying pace. But two stood out more prominently that the others. 'What kind of father am I? How could I have left him so soon?' He ran his fingers through his hair, searching his mind for answers that just were not there.
"Hotch?"
His head bolted up in surprise at the sound of her voice. He was so wrapped up in his thoughts that he hadn't heard the door open across the hall.
"What are you doing out here?" JJ asked.
He held up his cell phone. "Jack had a bad dream. I'm sorry if I woke you."
She grinned and held up her own cell phone. "You didn't."
He smiled. Sometimes he forgot he was not the only parent on the team anymore.
"Everything okay?" he asked.
"Yeah." She sat across from him. "Sometimes Henry just won't go to sleep unless I sing to him. Will tries to tire him out, hoping he'll just give it up and fall asleep, but some nights it's hopeless. I usually go in the bathroom and turn on the water so my horrible singing won't wake up Emily, but when I walked past the door I thought I heard your voice out here."
JJ lit up whenever she talked about her son. Even now at 2:00 am, being awakened so her son could hear her voice had her beaming. Hotch couldn't help but smile at her, but JJ noticed the sadness behind that smile.
"How's Jack, Hotch?"
It took him a moment to answer.
"He's still having nightmares."
"I'm sorry."
"Me, too."
They sat quietly for several moments. Hotch and JJ had always been close friends, but both were very guarded with their emotions. She wanted to comfort him, but had no idea how. She didn't want to make him any more uncomfortable that she knew he already was. They both hated appearing weak or vulnerable, but in that moment, that is exactly how Aaron Hotchner looked. She figured maybe it was best to leave him to his thoughts. She started to get up when he broke the silence.
"JJ?"
"Yeah?"
He met her eyes and she saw in them the fear and worry that seemed to permanently live there now. "Did I come back too soon?"
The question caught her off guard.
"You're asking me?"
"Yes."
"Why?"
"Because I value your opinion. And you have the unique perspective of knowing what it feels like to do this job while your child is at home waiting for you."
JJ moved to his side of the hallway, tightening her bathrobe around herself, and sat next to him. She stared across at the blank beige wall pondering his question. It was not an easy one for any parent to answer.
"Hotch," she paused. "I don't think anyone can truly answer that question except you."
"Would you have come back?"
She took a deep breath.
"I honestly don't know. I won't even try to comprehend what all you must be going through, what you've been going through since Foyet's initial attack, really. I don't know what I would do if I ever had to give up Henry and Will like that. Just thinking about it makes my chest hurt and I feel like I can't breathe. But the way this ended...I don't know that I would have survived that."
"You would have. If not for yourself, then for your son."
"That's exactly what you're doing, Hotch. You're surviving and still fighting for your son. He looks at you and he sees that it's okay to continue to live your life after you lose someone. He sees you come back to work and knows that you are the guy who stops the bad men like Foyet from hurting anyone else."
"Yeah, but then he has nights like tonight when all he wants is his Daddy and I'm not there."
He was really tugging at her heartstrings. All she wanted to tell him was 'screw this case, go home to your little boy!' But she knew that this was all part of the healing process and as hard as it may be, father and son would both get through this. Much easier said than done, she'd admit.
"I know I don't have the answers you're looking for," JJ said. "And I pray every night that I never have to find those answers for myself. But I do know this...the longer you would have waited to come back, the harder it would have been for both of you. At least now you can both start to adjust. But I'm going to tell you something that you told me a long time ago."
"What's that?"
"It's okay if you lose it every once in a while."
"Right." He could not help but chuckle a little at his own words coming back at him.
"And if you think I can help, I will."
He looked down at the floor. He knew every word she said was true. Sometimes, though, he just felt so lost. JJ always seemed to know what to say to pull him out of the dark recesses of his mind and see the broader picture. He was eternally grateful for her friendship.
"You should try to get some sleep, Hotch."
He nodded as she stood to return to her room across the hall. As she reached out for the door handle, he called out to her.
"JJ."
She turned to look at him and he finally met her eyes. Somehow they didn't appear to hold as much pain as before.
"Thank you."