I curled up I had to, to protect myself. My ears were pounding from the sound of the police, but they slowly seeped into my mind. They were destroying my conscience, filling me with anger and hatred. This soon was extinguished by my family's voices. They soon became part of my angry sea of thoughts. I then lost myself; everything went black and then a burst of light hit me. I was back in the bar talking to my wife, she wasn't at the time. We were talking and getting on really well. It cut out and I was there with Ronnie, it was the nickname I had given her. She was telling me how much she loved me and how her life would be empty if I left. However, she then started crying. As I comforted her, she kept whispering 'I'm sorry, I'm sorry.' How was I supposed to know, I wasn't a mind reader. Eventually she told me I was elated but hurt that she thought I would react badly. Relieved that I was excited as her, I held her tight and told her I would be there forever, whenever, I meant it too. It changed again. I wanted to open my eyes, stop the pain I was feeling but I couldn't. My eyes were glued together. I had to relive them whether I liked it or not. My oldest daughter had just been born we named her Eva May. I remember the joy I felt when I held her in my arms, how dainty she was, fragile but simply perfect. Every time she moved it reminded me of the warmth of her skin. She was fresh. I got a smell of milk and powder every time she shifted in my arms. My eyes started to fill up with tears and soon they were rolling down my cheek. I looked over at Sammy she was soundly asleep. That's when I noticed she had Ronnie's eyes they were the same musky brown. Next we were in the park. I was sweating with fear. It was the night I was going to ask Ronnie to marry me. Bending down and blurting it out, it's a wonder she ever said yes. I jumped up and spun her round. When our wedding day came I was the happiest man alive. I had the two best things a man could wish for, a beautiful wife and a lovely little girl, now one year old. She looked gorgeous and radiant. Utterly mind blowing. She had her hair done that morning. It hung don her face as she clung to her father's arm. She glided down the aisle towards me with her smile beaming. I was reduced to tears but that still didn't stop my smile widening. I still remember the shape her mouth made when she said I DO. I couldn't take my eyes off her or stop my heart from flutter when I heard her say her vows. As my eyes met hers and we were pronounced husband and wife, I was so mesmerised. When my lips met hers and we kissed. I was officially in heaven. Memories flashed by. I only caught a few glimpses but everyone cut me like a blade. I was drawn back to my surroundings. Nothing had changed except me. I was a quivering wreck and my brown hair was damp with sweat. My eyes instead of being dull and showed no feeling glistened green showing the tears I had wept. Money troubles started. Everything cost so much. It kept on getting worse. With two of them now, cost doubled and I started to get depressed. We all started to get depressed. I had to do something, Ronnie was struggling and her sparkle in her eye, which I had fallen in love with vanished, replaced with a cloudy mist. That's when I got involved with them. I'd asked around and got told that these two brothers were the ones to talk to for extra work. No-one said what work it was just that it was good money. I was in two minds. The last straw, the decider was when our electric got cut off. I rung the number and straight away had a job. They didn't really want to know me just that I was trust worthy and not a squealer. By that I knew it wasn't going to be legal. It was hard but good money, the more I did the easier life became. Ronnie got her sparkle back and the kids had great fun. Ronnie never asked and I never told. I became more of an addiction now. The thrill of the chase. It got easier and I loved the adrenalin kick it gave me. I just couldn't stop. My green eyes dull and my full thick hair, shaved off, short back and sides. Not a good look. My mood darkened, every-one noticed. I never looked after or played with the kids like I used to. 'You've been nothing but secretive and soul destroying', she whined 'You won't tell me what's going on and I can't deal with you in my condition' she grumbled as she placed he hands on her bump. My eyes followed, but still I said nothing. When my eyes met her burning gaze, she was waiting for a comment but got nothing. She let out a large sigh. 'I'm sorry I really am but I can't stay here with you' she turned away towards the door 'I'll be at my mothers, when you've sorted yourself out give me a call and we'll talk.' Then she left. I felt my world crumbling around me. I hated myself. I now felt pain worse than ever before. My life was ending. I'll finish it once and for all. They'll pay. I had to change. I decided it was the best way to get back my life. I want it back. I summoned all my courage. I swallowed hard and made myself bigger than usual. I waltzed in there and took the fear off my face, hid it deep down inside. I told them it was my last job, I wanted out because I'd lost too much already. They stared laughing, it took me by surprise and knocked my confidence but when I told them I was serious, their mood changed. They circled me like vultures with large black judging eyes. One stepped forward and told me if I walked out that was the end of my wife. I had to carry on or lose my wife. There was no thinking about it. I nodded slowly and shrank again. Losing all confidence I had. I felt tiny again as if they'd crushed me. I fell back into my shell, the man I was before. Following orders and never asking questions. I didn't want to be like this again but Ronnie's life meant more to me then my own. Their mood lightened, the one who had stepped forward took another step closer and slapped me on the back laughing. Every-one stepped down. So did my courage. The job that night was harder than usual. I had lost the thrill. I had to do it for my wife now, not because I loved it but because I loved her.