"Through Thick And Thin."
A/N: Hey all! So I know I'm supposed to be working on 'Another Broken Heart…' but I couldn't get this story out of my mind! I'm so sad about Alvin the minute I saw this storyline on twitter I couldn't resist :)
This is inspired by Mckenzie's tweet ( Linsteadfan on twitter):
"Alright who's gonna write a fanfic with jay calling erin to let her know about al dying and her coming back to chicago for the funeral + her and jay leaving together back to new york or her staying in chicago and getting back with jay either ending would be acceptable"
The ending of this story may be al ittle confusing; it goes back and forth between the past and present scenes.
Enjoy!
Erin yawned as she dragged her feet through the front door of her apartment. It was almost midnight and she had just gotten back from work, having been wrapped up in a case that her team had finally cracked after a month-and-a-half of hard work.
She toed off her shoes and dropped the bag of takeout on the dining table before doing the same with her phone sitting in her pocket. Her eyes noted the missed call as she went to get a drink and she smiled.
Jay.
They had been calling on and off for the past two months. He had gone through a rough time after her departure, almost losing his job because of a mistake he made getting involved with a woman whose brother he was involved with while undercover for a case.
He had called her a few weeks after things settled down; They had talked for almost three hours that night, catching up and finally talking through the shit they never had when they were a couple.
She imagined what he would say if he saw her tonight; she was barely functioning due to the late hours she had been pulling at work over the past few weeks, her hair was a mess, her eyes had dark circles under them from the lack of sleep, and she hadn't had a decent meal since she had arrived in New York almost six months ago.
"Seriously?" Jay said as he walked into the apartment "You know that crap has absolutely no nutrients whatsoever."
"It tastes good." Erin shrugs, handing him a beer from the refrigerator.
Jay rolls his eyes "You're hopeless. Let me cook."
"Don't be ridiculous, you just got back from an overtime shift. And it's 8.30 at night. Besides, I've already finished my meal, this one is yours." Erin smiles kindly.
Jay gives her a quick peck on the lips, looking down at her "You're too good to me Erin Lindsay."
"Don't you forget it Halstead. Now hurry up and eat so I can get you out of that uniform." Erin smirked before heading into their bedroom, laughing to herself when she heard Jay rushing to put the takeout into the fridge before racing after her.
She sat back down at the table just as her phone started buzzing again, answering immediately.
"I was just thinking about you, talk about good timing." Erin says.
"Erin. it's not that kind of call" Jay's voice is strained, and she instantly knows something has happened.
She sits up, pushing her food to the side as she focuses on him "What's wrong?"
"It's Al. Uh, something happened while he was in prison-"
"Prison!? Why didn't you tell me this earlier? What the hell is going on over there!?" Erin exclaimed, still processing his words "Is he okay? What is Hank doing about it? Wait, what do you mean was ... What's happened Jay?"
"Erin." Jay says again, his voice growing more pained as he spoke "He was stabbed, and by the time they got him to the hospital … It was too late."
"What?" It feels like he's just kicked the air out of her body. It can't be true, he can't be gone "He's not- it's not- He can't be."
"He is Erin. I'm- I'm sorry."
She shakes her head "Say it. I need you to say it, please. Otherwise I won't believe you." She whispers painfully.
"I'm so sorry Erin. But it's true, Alvin died tonight." Jay says softly.
She takes a minute, trying to reign in her emotions; She's not the only one who lost Al, Jay's hurting too. It's not his responsibility to console her "Are there any leads?"
"Yeah, a few. We're gonna find the son of a bitch, don't worry." Jay says, and his voice grows a little stronger as he says that.
"How is everyone? How are you?" She asks, emphasising the last question.
"We're all coping as best we can. Al … He's been here since the start, you know? He's not someone I ever thought would end up like this. He didn't deserve this Erin." Jay replies.
"I know. But, if I know Intelligence, I know you guys are going to find the asshole who did this. And when you do, you make sure he pays for what he did to Alvin, Jay. You know how Hank gets on these cases, but Al deserves better. His killer deserves to rot in jail for the rest of his miserable life."
"I will, I promise." There's voices in the background, and Jay yelling something back "Uh, I'm sorry Erin, I have to go. Adam thinks he's got a lead and-"
"I understand." she cuts him off "Go, find him. Keep me in the loop, okay?"
"Okay." There's a small pause before Jay speaks again "I'm sorry Er. I know how much he meant to you."
Her sight blurs as her eyes fill with tears, and she wipes furiously at them. Taking a deep breath, she nods quietly to herself as the memories start to consume her "I know. I'll talk to you later. And Jay? Watch out for Hank for me, okay. Make sure he doesn't do anything crazy."
"Of course. Goodnight Erin."
"Goodnight Jay." She rushes to end the call, not trusting her voice to stay strong any longer. She takes her drink and walks outside, standing on the balcony and letting the cool breeze brush against her as she stares out at the skyline.
She thinks about all the people that she and the team have lost over the year; Jules, Jin, Nadia, Lexi, Justin. And now Al.
Alvin Olinsky; a man who had helped raise her. He had watched her grown up, and she had been there to watch his children grow. They were family, and now he was gone. Her heart aches thinking about every precious moment she had ever spent with him. Every moment that he would never have.
"Erin, there's some people here I'd like you to meet." Hank says as he walks into the living room.
Erin stands up, her arms crossed over her chest, keeping her walls up. Another man and woman walked in behind Hank, their hands interlinked and their smiles kind. The woman was holding a bundle in one hand and Erin's curiosity was peaked.
"Erin, this is Alvin and Meredith." Hank says pointing to each of them "And this is baby Lexi."
Meredith bends down slightly so Erin can see the 6-month-old baby girl wrapped in pink. Her mind floats back to Teddy, wondering how he is and where he is. She hoped he was okay.
"It's nice to meet you Erin." Alvin says, his voice gentle and comforting.
"You too." Erin says, her tone clipped. She looks at Meredith who's now sitting on the couch with Camille cooing at baby Lexi.
"I'm going to get a drink." she says before rushing out of the room, pushing past Alvin in the process.
"Erin…" Hank sighs, and out of the corner of the eye Erin sees Alvin holding Hank back.
"It's fine Hank, let her go." He says softly.
…
"You know, Hank cares about you. A lot." Alvin's voice startles her "Sorry, didn't mean to scare you."
"I don't get scared." Erin barks back.
"Okay." Alvin smiles "You miss your mum, don't you?"
Erin stays quiet so Alvin keeps going "Hank and Camille, they're good people. They're not trying to keep you from your mum. But I happen to know Bunny too; she's not exactly in a position to be taking care of anyone."
"I could care less about my mother." Erin scoffs "He made me leave Teddy." Her voice grows sad as she speaks "I asked Hank to get me out, but he made me leave without my brother. He's just a little kid. He needs me."
"If you want, I can help you find him. Hank said that DCFS took him out of Bunny's custody, but they would've placed him somewhere by now. I'll see what I can find out, and then I can take you to visit him if you want?"
"Seriously?" Erin says skeptically "I've been nothing but rude to you the entire night. Why would you want to help me?"
"Because underneath it all, I know you're just a kid who's scared of what's coming next. And besides, if Hank and Camille are willing to take a chance on you, that means they see something special in you. And Hank's family, which makes you family. So, I'm willing to help you however I can."
Erin gives him a small smile "Thank you, Alvin."
Alvin smiles back "No worries kid. And please, call me Al"
Her phone ringing from her pocket breaks her thoughts, looking down to see Jay's message.
Funeral is in three days. I know it's not much notice, but I thought you'd want to know.
Jay x
The text starts to blur in front of her and it's then that she notices the tears that are falling down her face and onto her hands. Her hands grip the railing of the balcony as she bends down and closes her eyes, her breath shaking.
"It wasn't supposed to be like this." she mutters to herself "You weren't supposed to have this. I'm so sorry Al."
"I know today has been rough, but we got through it. Let's call it a night, I'll see you guys in a few days." Hank says solemnly, the rest of the team nodding their heads before starting to pack up.
"Uh, guys…" Adam says softly "Meredith needs some help packing- uh, packing up Al's things. If you aren't too busy I'd really apprec-"
"We'll be there." Antonio says speaking for all his teammates, his voice leaving no room for argument. Al was family, and so is Meredith. This is what their family does.
Adam gives them all a thankful smile before heading out, Burgess by his side. Jay manages a smile at that; he's glad they're figuring things out. Al would be happy for them.
His heart aches when he thinks of their fallen team member; Al was one of the few people who never judged him, he helped him with Lonnie's murder, and listened to him when he had regrets about how things ended with Erin. Al had been like the father he had always wanted.
His phone buzzes on his desk as he's grabbing his jacket and he picks it up, seeing a text from Erin.
I'm not sure, we're in the middle of a heavy case right now.
But I'll try and figure it out, for Alvin.
Thank you for telling me, I'm glad it was you that called.
Erin x
Jay sighs at her message, feeling disappointed that she may not make it.
"Everything alright?" Antonio asks.
Jay nods, lifting the phone that's in his hand "Erin. She's not sure she can make it. I know how much Alvin meant to her, it just sucks she may not be able to come, that's all."
"I'm sure Al would understand." Antonio says as he walks past his friend, patting his shoulder "I'll see you at Meredith's tomorrow?"
Jay nods as Antonio walks out, leaving him almost completely alone in the office. He can see Hank sitting in his chair, staring at something in front of him. Jay takes a deep breath, steadying himself before he walks over to Hank's office, knocking on the door before walking in.
"I'm not in the mood for company Halstead." Voight says.
"I uh … I just wanted to let you know I called Erin. Told her about what happened. She's going to try and come down for the funeral." Jay explains.
"And I need to know this, why?" Hank asks annoyed.
Jay rolls his eyes "Look I know we're not best buds or anything, but I know how much Alvin meant to you. And I know that you would be taking his loss a lot harder than the rest of us, given everything that's happened. And, despite everything, I promised Erin I would look out for you. So, if you need anything, just let me know."
Jay watches Hank's expression change at the mention of his pseudo-daughter's request. Hank nods silently, and Jay knows that's the best he's going to get. He stands up and walks out of the office, taking one last look at the empty desk behind his before grabbing his jacket and heading out for the night.
Erin watched from the distance as the mass of blue swarmed the graveyard. Her hands self-consciously smoothed over her dress. She could do this, she needed do this. For Al. For her team. For herself.
"You look nice." She turned around at his voice, eyeing his uniform.
'Damn he looks good.'
"Hi Jay." She smiled.
"Hey." Jay says, moving forward to wrap her in his arms.
Her arms circle around his waist, her head resting on his chest. It's familiar. Comfortable. She can feel his warmth radiating through her, just like it always has.
"No dress blues?" He asks pulling back from her, his hands still resting on her waist; he's not ready to let go just yet.
Erin shrugs "You have to be a cop to wear a cop's uniform."
Jay's eyes widen at her statement "Erin, what happened?"
"Well-"
"Jay, we gotta get down, they're starting in five- Oh, hi Erin." Hailey breaks their moment, her cheeks flushing as she realises that she's intruded "Sorry."
Erin shakes her head, reluctantly breaking away from Jay to give Hailey a quick hug "It's good to see you again Hailey."
"You too, everyone really misses you." Hailey says softly.
"I miss you guys too. More than you could imagine." Erin replies
"We should get going, the ceremony will be starting any minute now." Hailey says, and Erin and Jay both nod as they follow after her.
"This conversation isn't over." Jay whispers in Erin's ear as they reach Alvin's grave site.
"Erin." Kim says softly, racing over to hug her friend "I can't believe you're here."
"There's nowhere else I'd rather be." Erin says hugging Kim tightly "I'm so happy to see you, I just wish it was under better circumstances."
Kim smiles sadly "I'm sure Alvin would be happy that he was able to bring you home at least. Where are your blues?"
The rest of their unit is standing with them now, and Erin grows nervous as she looks around at them all, her eyes meeting Jay's briefly.
"It's a long story. I'll explain later. Right now, we need to be here for Meredith and Michelle."
The team all nod; Antonio, Atwater and Ruzek all give Erin a hug and a quick hello before going back to their position with the various members from the CPD that have come for Al's funeral. Erin sees some of the higher-up's from her disciplinary hearing, their eyes disapproving and unfriendly. She feels Jay's hand on her shoulder and she turns to face him.
"You good?"
Erin gives him a reassuring smile "Yeah, I wasn't expecting a warm welcome anyways."
Hank walks towards them, and Jay takes that as his cute to leave "I'll see you after."
Erin nods as Hank reaches to them, wrapping her arm around him in a quick hug "How are you doing?"
"Okay." Hank gruffs out "It's good to see you."
"I'm happy to be back. I just wish it was under better circumstances." Erin smiles sadly "How are you Hank, really?"
"I'm fine Erin." Hank snipes.
Erin stays silent, knowing not to push him at this moment "We should get going, the funeral is starting in a few minutes."
Hank nods silently, and Erin walks alongside him to where their fallen friend lies, ready to say their final goodbyes.
...
The funeral had been hard, Erin stood between Meredith and Michelle, comforting both women as they cried for the husband and father they had now lost. Erin felt herself tear up as she saw Alvin's casket being lowered down into the ground next to his daughter, her eyes looking to her teammates who stood across from her in their uniforms, watching them all try to hold in the heartbreak they felt over losing Alvin.
He had been a father figure to all of them; he had taught them all so much and had been there for them when they needed a helping hand, someone who wouldn't judge them based on the rumours they had heard. He was a loyal friend, and an integral part of their family. Things would never be the same without him.
Erin stood behind Meredith and Michelle as everyone from the funeral hugged them and gave their condolences before departing. She felt her phone buzz in her purse and took it out, seeing Olivia's name flashing on her screen.
"Hey." Erin said quietly.
"Is this a bad time?" Benson asks.
"You're fine, we just finished. What's up?"
"I just wanted to check in, make sure you guys were all doing okay." Olivia says "Have you made a decision yet?"
Erin sighs "Liv, it's not that simple, there's a lot to consider."
"Is there really, Erin? I know what you're going to do, and deep down you know you've already made the decision. You just need to tell me so I can put things into motion."
"I just … I need some more time. Being a cop is all I've ever wanted to be. It's hard to believe that's never going to happen now."
"I get that. But this could be a really good opportunity for you Erin. Think about it and let me know, okay? And let me know if you or the team need anything, you know I'd be there in a heartbeat if you needed me."
Erin smiles at Olivia's words, the older woman had become one of her closest friends over the past six months, she doesn't know if she'd have gotten through this difficult period in her life without her.
"I will, thanks Liv." Erin says before hanging up. She turns back around and sees Jay standing a few feet away, waiting for her to finish her call so he could approach.
He looks nervous as he walks up to her, his hands fiddling with the hat he's holding "So, the team is going to head to Molly's and pour one out for Al. They'd love it if you came, we all would."
"Hey, I think we're all going to head to Molly's. Pour one out for Nadia. I think we could all use a drink right about now. You in?"
Her heart pangs at the familiar words, remembering yet another person their family had lost. But this wouldn't be like last time.
"Yeah, I've got to drop Michelle and Meredith home, but I'll meet you there?"
Jay gives her a small smile "That's fine, we'll see you soon." he says before walking away.
…
Erin had been standing outside of the bar for the better half of twenty minutes, eyeing the light up 'Molly's' sign that illuminated the front doors. She wasn't sure that she should be here, but she made a promise to her friends. Her family.
"Okay, we can do this. It's just a party. We got this Erin." she mumbled, trying to reassure herself.
She took a deep breath as she pushed the door open, walking in and seeing the unit huddled in the corner, most of their backs facing Erin. Jay's eyes caught hers and she signalled to the bar, letting him know she was getting a drink before she joined them.
"Hey Gabby." Erin smiles.
Gabby smiles brightly, leaning over to hug Erin as best she could over the bar "Hi Erin, we've missed you around here."
"I've missed you guys too. I wish I was here under better circumstances." She says sadly "Can I get a drink?"
Gabby nods, getting a glass and pouring Erin a Scotch on the Rocks "How have you been? How's the new gig treating you?"
"New York is great. Work is work, you know Nothing like here." Erin says nervously "how about you? How's baby Casey doing?"
Gabby smiles placing her hand over her small baby bump. Jay had called Erin a few weeks ago to let her know that Gabby and Matt were pregnant, having just entered her second trimester.
"Baby's good, kicking my ass with the morning sickness but it's nothing I can't handle." She says sliding Erin's drink over to her "... and how are you and Jay?"
Erin rolls her eyes "I really wish everyone would stop asking me that."
"Oh please, you know we're all invested in you two." Gabby chuckles "There's nothing better to do around here than gossip about in-house romances."
"Nothing's gonna happen Gabby. We broke up months ago, and I quit IU. there's no in-house romance to be had." Erin says grabbing her drink and placing a note down on the bar "Thanks for the drink."
Gabby shook her head at her friend, Erin smiling sweetly at her before heading back to her teammates.
Erin felt a warmth fill her as she sat down next to her team. It was familiar, being embraced in their comfort. But she knew she had to be careful. She couldn't allow herself to fall back into old habits, because it would hurt too much when she had to leave them again.
The night wore on, and they were all pretty buzzed except for Hank, who had left early. They talked into the early hours of the morning, reminiscing and sharing memories of the short time they had been apart from Erin; Adam and Kim recently getting back together, Antonio and Brett starting to work things out, Atwater's kidnapping and new lease on life, and Jay considering taking the Sergeant's exam.
Jay felt happier than he had in months; it felt good having Erin back in their lives, their family felt complete.
It was reaching the early hours of the next morning, and the team was packing up their things and getting ready to leave.
"Erin, we're all heading to Meredith's tomorrow, to help pack up Alvin's things. I'm sure it would mean a lot to her if you could come." Ruzek says as they're paying their bills.
Erin hesitates for a moment, eyes casted down "Um, I'm not sure. I might have to head back tomorrow, but I'll let you guys know, either way I'll stop by to see you all before I go."
They all nod understandingly, but Erin can feel the sense of sadness that surrounds them. She hugs them all one by one, relishing the moment in case it's the last she gets.
"Where's Jay?" she asks pulling back from Atwater.
Kim chuckles "I think he may have had a little too much to drink, Gabby took him in the back and made him drink some water. I don't know if she called him a cab or not."
"Oh. Okay, I need to use the bathroom. I'll be right back." Erin smiles before walking towards the back of the bar.
They're all silent for a few minutes, Adam leans down to whisper in his girlfriend's ear "She's still in love with him."
"Oh yeah." Kim laughs softly, shaking her head "They're just both too stubborn to do anything about it."
…
"Hey, we ready to go?" Jay calls out when he exits the kitchen.
He feels better, a sense of calm falling over him since the funeral. It was good to have Erin back with their unit, even if it's just for the weekend. She had told him she would be leaving on Monday, which gave him the whole day tomorrow to get the chance to talk to her. They needed to clear the air; despite all their phone talks over the past few months, they had yet to discuss the events that led up to her leaving Chicago. He hadn't told her about the proposal, or the way he felt about her not saying goodbye. He was in a good place, and he wanted both of them to be able to move forward from the past.
Jay stops short when he notices that only Burgess and Ruzek are left in the bar "Where's Erin?"
"Everyone left a few minutes ago, Erin's still in the bathroom I think. You coming with us?" Adam replies.
"It's alright, I can walk. I want to talk to Erin before she leaves." Jay replies.
"You going to tell her?" Adam asked. He had discussed the situation with his friend earlier in the day, telling Jay he should clear the air with Erin and tell her everything that was going to happen the night she left, and everything that's happened since.
Jay scoffs "What am I supposed to say? 'Hey Erin, I know you're heading back to New York tomorrow and I probably won't see you for a long time but I just wanted to you know I was going to propose the night you left?' Yeah, that'll end real well."
A sound causes them to turn their heads, seeing Erin standing a few feet behind them. Her keys had fallen out of her hand, her eyes focused on Jay.
"I, uh- I was just coming to say goodnight." She said lamely, and Jay could see in her eyes, she'd heard every word.
Kim glanced at Adam, nudging him towards the door "We'll let you two talk. Goodnight." Kim said before rushing her boyfriend out the door. Erin picks up her keys and walks towards Jay.
"Is it true?" She whispers.
Jay could feel the panic building in his chest. They had just started talking again, things were good between them, this was going to ruin everything. He needed to get out of here, he couldn't think straight. He felt like he couldn't breath.
"Jay, why didn't you-"
"I have to go." He says rushing out of the room, leaving Erin standing in the middle of the bar.
…
Jay had been walking for a few minutes, taking his time as he tried to regain his thoughts. He wasn't sure running out was the best choice, but he couldn't face Erin right now. He couldn't have this conversation.
Erin ran out of Molly's, the shock finally settling in and her brain registering his departure. She looked to her right and then left, seeing his distant figure and she began walking after him.
"Jay!" she yelled. She saw him pause for a moment before continuing to walk "Jay, stop!"
She groaned as his legs only seemed to move faster at her pleading.
She sighs exasperated and paused, lifting one foot after the other to pull of her thin high heels. The gravel of the pathway poked and prodded at her feet but she didn't care. She kept running until she had not only caught up to him, but was standing right in front of him.
"Erin, I can't do this right now." He sighed.
"No, we need to do this right now." She rebuts "You've been holding onto this for months Jay. Why didn't you tell me?"
"When was I supposed to do that Erin!? You left without a word. You didn't answer my calls or texts, I had no clue where you were for the first few months. We had only just started talking again, we were finally getting back to some semblance of normalcy. And it's exactly like this is the kind of conversation I want to have over the phone. How the fuck was I supposed to tell you Erin, tell me how!?" He exclaimed.
Erin paused for a moment, understanding where he was coming from. "Okay then, why didn't you tell me today? Because we both know you weren't going to. Don't you think that's the kind of thing that needs to be discussed so we can move forward like we've been trying to do?" She tried to keep her voice as even as possible, knowing that blowing up at him would only escalate the situation, but he was making it extremely hard with the way he was talking to her.
"Fine. Yes, I was going to propose to you the night you left. Is that what you wanted to hear?" Jay snaps back.
"I just want to hear the fucking truth!" She yelled "We haven't had a truly honest conservation in a long time Jay, since before I even left Chicago!"
"Well I'm sorry that my closed-off nature hurts you, that my not talking to you about things frustrates you. I can't imagine what that feels like." Sarcasm dropped from his voice "But you left before I got the chance to propose! And it broke me when I realised that I'd never have the chance to ask you. I didn't want to relive it because I didn't know if I could handle it. So yeah, maybe we haven't had an honest conversation and maybe I don't want to!"
Both their breaths were heaving, the anger running through their conversation tiring them both.
"Why did you want to propose?" She suddenly asks.
"Jay." She spoke firmly when he shrugged, stepping in to him.
"I knew I handled things wrong with Abby. I shouldn't have just left like I did, I know you understood but I still could've handled it better. I couldn't stop thinking about everything you'd been through, losing Justin, dealing with your dad and Bunny ... I told Olinsky that I screwed up with you, when Hank swapped us all around. And I knew in that moment I wanted to be with you for the rest of my life, that I didn't want to waste another minute screwing things up. So I filed for an annulment, and I asked Will for mum's ring."
"… I would've said yes." She whispered.
"Erin, don't -" he shook his head at her words.
She cupped her hands on his cheeks so he had to look at her "I need you to know. I didn't leave because of you, you were the only real reason I had to stay. I would've said yes, I need you to know that Jay."
They're holding each other for what feels like hours, both thinking about what could've been. Erin doesn't know how it happens, but suddenly her lips are on his, pouring all the feeling she has for him into the kiss. Jay's arm wrap around her waist, his other hand cradling her cheek as she holds onto his shoulders.
Jay pulls away suddenly, pulling out of her arms and walking a few steps back. They're both gaining their breath, Erin looking at him nervously as paces.
"I can't." Jay whispers "I can't do this. Not again. We can't just fall back into old habits, only for you to leave in the morning. My heart can't handle it Erin."
Erin stands quietly watching him. He looks so vulnerable, like he's just confessed his deepest, darkest secret. She knows he's exposed in this moment, and no matter how much she wants to reassure him that history won't repeat itself, she knows she can't. Not yet.
"I'm sorry." She says "I shouldn't have-
"It takes two, it was just as much my decision Erin. But we can't." He interrupts.
"I know." She says sadly "uh, you've had a bit to drink. Can I at least drive you home?"
Jay shakes his head "It's okay. I'll walk, clear my head a little bit."
Erin nods, stepping towards him and pulling him into a quick hug. Jay smiles as they pull apart.
"Goodnight Erin." He says softly.
"Goodnight Jay." She replies.
She watches him walk off before turning and heading to her car. She pulls out her phone as she sits inside the car, waiting while the line rings.
"Erin? It's late, is everything okay?" Olivia asks.
"Yeah, sorry." Erin says "I figured out what I want to do."
"So, what happened last night?" Adam asks.
Jay places the box down in the Goodwill truck, turning to face his friend "We talked."
"And?"
"'And?' Nothing Adam. Erin knowing about my almost proposal, doesn't change anything. She's still living in New York, I'm still here in Chicago. We are living completely separate lives."
Erin had shown up at Alvin's house that morning, but she and Jay hadn't spoken. It had been awkward for all their friends, but they had quickly split up to do their work; Jay, Kevin, Adam and Antonio tasked with taking the various boxes out of the house and moving them into the Goodwill truck or Meredith's car to go to the storage unit. Erin, Kim and Hailey were helping Meredith pack things up while Voight had offered to drop Michelle back to college so that she wouldn't miss anymore classes than she already had.
Inside, the girls were busying themselves with packing and asking Erin the same questions the guys had asked Jay.
"Are you guys just not going to talk about it? That doesn't sound very healthy." Kim pointed out.
Erin shrugged "I'm not exactly in a position to demand that we talk about it. We've both hurt each other a lot, and I don't want to push him before he's ready."
"Erin, don't you think you should tell him?" Hailey asks.
"I will. I just want to get through this day first, but I'm going to tell him before I leave. I promise."
The girls nod in answer and continue their work, knowing that Erin is growing uncomfortable with all the questions. She knows that her friends are only being like this because they love both her and Jay, but she doesn't want to push anything. Especially after last night.
She had gone back to Hank's house feeling completely embarrassed. She couldn't believe she had just kissed him like that. Erin couldn't get the look on his face out of her head, the pain in his eyes that she saw when he pulled away from her. She wasn't sure that he wanted her anymore, and everything that she's done could be for nothing.
…
Erin takes a deep breath as she stands outside the doors of District 21. She knows her decision, she's always known it, but telling Hank is by far the hardest part of all this. He's lost so many people, how can she tell the only true family she's ever had, that she's leaving him too?
"Hey kid." Erin turns her head to the left and smiles.
"Hey Al." His arm wraps around her shoulder, pulling her close.
"You doing okay?" He asks.
Erin nods in reply "How are you? I feel like we haven't really spoken much."
"That's because you're too busy avoiding my new partner." Al chuckles.
Erin's cheeks flush "Sorry. I just don't really want to spend time with him unless I have to. It hurts a bit too much, you know?"
Alvin gives her a sympathetic smile "I know he screwed up Erin, but he still loves you."
"I know. It's the one thing I've never doubted, even after everything." She says softly.
"Maybe you should give him another chance. Second chances don't always come around, I should know."
"I'm sorry Al." Erin says, knowing he's talking about Meredith and Lexi.
Olinsky shakes his head, turning to face Erin properly "Don't let him go over this one thing Erin. Don't spend the next 20 years wondering what would've happened if you'd made a different choice. Believe me when I say the pain of that is worse than any heartbreak you're feeling now."
Erin smiles sadly, looking back at the entrance "It might be too late already." She whispers.
…
"Erin?" Meredith's voice interrupts her and she turns to face the older woman.
"Hey, how you holding up?"
Meredith shrugs "I'm managing. The house isn't the same without him." She says looking around "It feels emptier."
"I get what you mean. When Nadia died … It was like there was this hole where she used to be." Erin says sadly "It gets better though. With time."
"I hope so." Meredith says "Um, I found something I thought you might like to have."
Erin looks at her confused, Meredith pulling out the object from her back pocket "Alvin told me he gave it to you when you left the unit a few years ago, but you gave it back to him when you returned."
Erin can feel the tears prick her eyes as she sees the dented, discoloured silver flask that Al used to take on their ops.
"I can't. You should keep it, or Michelle-"
"We both agreed that you should have it. I know how much it meant to Alvin, and how much you meant to him. Whether or not he liked to admit it, you were like a second daughter to him, you had him wrapped around your finger since you were 14 years old Erin."
Meredith and Erin laugh softly at her comment, Erin taking the flask in her hands. It provides her with a sense of warmth that she hadn't felt since she'd last seen Alvin Olinsky outside of the District the night she left. He was always there for her, protecting her. And now he still would be.
"Thank you. I know how much this means to you." Erin says, knowing that Meredith was the one who gave Alvin that flask on their first date.
"Of course." Meredith says, tears filling her eyes.
Erin hugs the older woman tight "All I ever wanted was more time with him, and we'll never have that again. I wish we didn't spend so long apart, fighting. If I could go back in time I would've changed it all, I would've told him I loved him more. I just wish I could tell him one last time."
"He knows." Erin says softly. She looks up and notices the unit standing near the doorway behind them, Jay's eyes connecting with hers.
"He always knew."
It was late in the evening, and the team were finishing up at Meredith's house and were getting ready to leave.
Erin was the last to exit the house, staying a couple more minutes as Meredith showed her some of the photos she had of Erin and Alvin when she first moved in with Hank and Camille.
"Hey." Erin smiles when she saw the team standing outside by her car "what are you still doing here?"
"We wanted to say a proper goodbye this time." Atwater said, hugging her to him.
Erin smiles sadly and looked at all of them "I know I apologised to Jay, but I haven't to you guys. I really am so sorry. It was selfish of me to just leave like I did, I just didn't think I was strong enough to say goodbye to all of you."
"We understood Erin, we just didn't want to miss our chance this time." Antonio says.
Erin hugs her friends one by one, frowning when she says goodbye to Hayley "where's Jay?"
Hayley shakes her head "he said he had to get home."
Erin sighs "Right." She mumbles grabbing her keys from her pocket "I gotta go. I'll see you all soon, sooner than you think."
Erin waves as they all walk to their cars. She waits a few moments to make sure they've all gotten into their cars before heading off in the direction of Jay's apartment.
…
Erin looked up as the elevator dinged softly, indicating her arrival on level 3 of the building. She walked slowly, her signature leather boots squeaking softly against the marble-tiled hallway.
She took a few deep breaths as she stared at the key in her hand and then back up at the apartment door, the numbers burning her eyes.
310.
He was still here. In the apartment Hank had bought her when she became a cop. The place they'd spent so many nights watching ice hockey drinking beer and eating pizzas. The same place they'd gotten back together on the couch that was both function and form.
The place they'd made a home together.
The place he'd told her he loved her for the first time.
It was their home. He was still there.
Erin didn't know if he had moved, and she didn't want to ask; scared of how his answer might affect her. She considered using the key – she hadn't been able to leave it behind – but figured he would be uncomfortable with that. So she counted to three in her head, giving herself some time to calm down before she knocked.
Jay sighed as he placed his drink on the kitchen counter and walked to open the door. He didn't care who it was, he was tired and the emotions of the day had taken it out of him. He just needed a drink and then his bed.
Erin waited a few moments before footsteps could be heard behind the door and suddenly the numbers in front of her disappeared to be replaced with shocked blue eyes.
His eyes widened in shock as he took in the sight of Erin. Of all the people he thought might show up at his doorstep, she was definitely not one of them. He assumed she was already halfway to New York by now.
"Hey. Can we talk?" Erin says pushing past him and into the apartment
"It's late Erin." Jay sighs "I think we've said all we have to say to each other."
She cuts him off before he can say anything, taking him by surprise as she unexpectedly kisses him for the second-time that day. Jay pulls away quickly, shaking his head at her.
"Dammit Erin. We can't keep doing this."
"I love you." She blurts out "We can't have said all we have to say to each other, because I love you. I don't want to pretend anymore. I don't want to waste time and act like I don't love you anymore, like I haven't had this … emptiness, inside of me for the last few months since I left Chicago. I don't want to waste any more time being without you."
"Er.."
"Tell me you don't feel the same. Tell me you don't still love me. Because I can't pretend anymore. I don't want to. I'm sick of acting like everything that's happened with us is in the past, that it's over with, because it's not."
"Of course I do." Jay whispers "Of course I love you, how could I not?"
Erin smiles wide, leaning in to kiss Jay again and this time he lets her. Her hands intertwine at the nape of his neck, his arms wrap around her waist pulling her close. They let themselves be consumed in one another, basking in the love they feel for one another.
They break when the need for air becomes too great, but they don't let go of one another. Erin leans her head on Jay's chest, the two of them smiling blissfully as they enjoy the moment.
"So, what happens now?" Jay asks softly "We lead completely separate lives Erin, I don't how we make this work."
Erin pulls back a little and smirks up at him "About that…"
ONE YEAR LATER…
Jay pushes through the crowd of people standing in the building, smiling and waving as he sees members of his team scattered around the room. He grips the bouquet of flowers tightly in his hand and continues to the centre of the room where he sees her.
He places a finger against his lips, signalling to everyone to keep his presence to themselves. Jay stands behind her for a few seconds before placing his free hand over her eyes, feeling her jump against him.
"Congratulations." Jay whispers against her ear.
Erin smiles and turns around, opening her eyes to see a bouquet of purple wildflowers in her boyfriend's hand.
"You made it." Erin says hugging him tight.
"Of course I did, rushed over here the second I finished the Sargent's exam." Jay answered wrapping his arms around her "I'm so proud of you, Er."
"Thank you." She blushes slightly, having received so much praise today "It wasn't all me though. I couldn't have done it without Olivia."
"I figured out what I want to do."
"and that would be…" Olivia prompts.
"I want to build the centre with you. But, I want to do it in Chicago." Erin says.
Olivia had been given a large donation from a victim in a former case of hers. The woman had been raped at 16 on her college campus, and because the attacker was the son of a wealthy donor to the school, the faculty helped to hide it. Olivia had promised the young woman that they would get him, and they had. The young woman went on to study Environmental Science, Business and Technology and was now a CEO of her own company. She told Olivia she wanted to give women like her a chance to have a safe space, and find solace and strength in their fellow women, much like she had found in Olivia.
Olivia had offered Erin a chance to help them build a centre for young children who were victims of assault, rape, domestic violence, drugs, or other unfortunate situations. Once the centre was finished, Erin would be overseeing all the programs with help from Olivia.
"Erin, that's a lot of responsibility. I wouldn't be able to help you as much. I know I offered you the position, but it'll be a lot more to handle than we initially thought." Olivia says.
"I can do this Liv. Chicago is one of the most drug-heavy cities in the US. DCFS is constantly removing kids from drug-filled homes. We can start here, and once we have momentum we can open up another centre in New York."
"Why the sudden change in heart? This morning you were ready to quit your job and just focus solely on building the centre here, in New York." Olivia asks.
Erin sighs "I made a mistake moving to New York. I left my family, and I need to fix it. But I also want to stand by the commitment I made to you, I want to help kids like me. But I also need to fix the mess I've made here."
"… Okay." Olivia replies.
Erin smiles "Really?"
"Yeah. I know you Erin, you're a determined young woman. And if anyone can handle this, it's you. There's going to be a lot of travelling back and forth though, we've got a lot of meetings to do and things to set up here and in Chicago if we're going to make this happen."
"Thank you Liv. I promise, I won't let you down."
"I know you won't. You never have before, kid."
"Yeah, I'm pretty amazing aren't I?" Olivia interrupts placing her arm around Erin's shoulder "We make a pretty good team, kid."
"You know I hate it when you call me kid." Erin grumbles.
"Oh come on, it's funny! And ironic now, too." Liv chuckles.
Erin's eyes widen, and she shakes her head at her friend. Liv looks between Jay and Erin, her face growing red as she realises her mistake "Uh, you know what? I better go and find Noah before the ceremony starts. I'll catch up with you later."
Jay cocks his eyebrow, looking at her sceptically "What was that about?"
Erin laughs nervously "I've been wanting to tell you for a few weeks, but I wanted to wait until we were finally both in Chicago together, for good."
Jay's eyes portray his hope, his voice soft as he asks "Tell me what, Erin?"
"I'm pregnant." She smiles. Jay's smile grows wide as he swoops her into his arms "Four months along."
Jay's smile drops, his mouth open wide "Four months? How the hell didn't we notice?"
Erin chuckles "I was feeling nauseous the past month, but I thought it was just nerves about the centre opening. I've been so stressed out about organising everything, I didn't even realise I was late."
"I can't believe this." Jay muttered.
Erin looks at him nervously "This is a good thing, right?"
"Are you kidding me? This is the best news I've heard, ever. We're having a baby Er!" Jay exclaims before kissing her passionately, resting his hand over Erin's on her stomach where their baby lays safely. He can feel the slight bump now, and he feels a sense of awe at the realisation.
"Hey, lovebirds!" Olivia speaks into the microphone, Erin and Jay jumping apart "Hate to break up the moment, but I need my partner up here for her speech."
Jay kisses Erin's cheek before nudging her towards the stage. Erin walks up and stands beside Olivia, with Noah in her arms. She gives her friend a side-hug before turning her attention to the crowd of people waiting for her to speak.
"Hey everyone. Firstly, I want to thank you for coming to the opening of the Chicago Children's Welfare Centre." Erin starts "Olivia and I have put our heart and soul into making this place a safe space for young people who need protecting and help from others. We want to build a community here, and we're really thankful that you all want to help and support us with that."
Erin looks out in the crowd, her nerves growing. Her eyes land on Jay and he gives her a reassuring smile, nodding his head to communicate the words she can't hear. You got this.
"I had a rough start in life. My parents were both addicts and criminals, my dad was arrested when I was 4 and my mum was constantly under the influence of some kind of drug. I raised myself and my brother Teddy, until I was 14. I fell into a bad crowd, I thought I fell in love with a good man." Erin scoffs, remembering her past with Charlie "But I just fell further down the rabbit hole that my parents had already shoved me into. That is, until I met Hank Voight."
Erin's eyes move from Jay to Hank, who stands quietly at the back of the crowd. A small smile graces his face at her words, and Erin smiles back at him.
"Hank was the police officer who arrested me. He knew my mother, and he knew about my life. He offered me a way out. At first I rejected it … But after a few months, I realised I wanted more for myself. I wanted to give myself, and my brother, a life that was worth living. And I knew I couldn't do that if I continued the way I was going. So, I called Hank and asked him to help me get out."
She pauses for a moment, tears filling her eyes as she remembers the pain of her childhood. She takes a deep breath, looking back up at the people "Not everyone in my position is lucky enough to have help like that. And I have tried my best to pay it forward ever since Hank helped me. I became a police officer so that I could help as many people as possible. I helped a young woman who was in the same situation as me, Nadia. She would've loved this place."
Jay watches as Erin places her hands on her stomach, taking a moment as she remembers her lost friend. His heart breaks as she speaks; he wants nothing more than to run up and hold her tight, but he knows she needs to do this on her own.
"I'm really lucky to have had the help that I did. Not many kids in my position would have had someone who was willing to go above and beyond to get them out of the circumstances they were born into. Olivia and I wanted to be able to do what Hank did for me. And hopefully, this centre can play a part in helping young people out of the troubled lives they're leading, and onto a better path. Because every kid deserves a good life."
Olivia stands closer to her, wrapping her arm around Erin's shoulder to support her "I'm sorry, I didn't think I was going to get this emotional." Her tears mix her laughter "This place was built to represent hope. To let kids like me and my brother know that, no matter what happens, we're going to help you through it. We're in this with you, for the long haul."
Her eyes meet Jay's again and he smiles softly as he hears her words. The same words he said to her that night.
Erin pulls back a little and smirks up at him "About that … I may have already found a solution to that problem."
Jay looks confused "What are you talking about?"
"Olivia was given a donation from a former victim of hers. It's a long story but, basically she wants to open a centre for kids who have family situations like the victims that she's dealt with; who've been abused their whole lives, sexually assaulted ... Kids like me, who grew up surrounded by drugs. This is a chance to give them a safe place."
"That's amazing. So, you want to help her build the center?"
"She wants me to run it." Erin says, still surprised herself. "I've loved being a cop, I have no regrets about it. But I chose to become a cop because I wanted to help people like Hank helped me, and I thought the way to do that was by living the same life he did, and playing that same role. And I've loved all my time on my force, and I have helped a lot of people. But this … It feels like what I was born to do, you know? It's like all the bad shit that happened in my childhood, it's lead me to this. I feel like this is what I'm meant to do with my life. This is how I help people."
"That's great, Erin. I'm so happy for you." Jay smiles gently "So does that mean you're coming home?"
Erin nods "There's still some back and forth to do for the project, but yeah, I'll be moving back here within the month."
Jay picks her up and swirls her around in his arms, Erin giggling softly in surprise "You're coming home." He whispers into her hair as she places her back down on the ground.
"I never truly left. My heart's always been right here." She replies, her hand laying on his chest over his own heart "I, uh- I need you to promise me one thing Jay."
"Anything." He says.
Erin looks sadly up at him, feeling more vulnerable than she has this entire conversation "Promise me you won't leave again. I know I left Chicago, but that night you left here Jay … It broke me. I didn't see the point in staying in Chicago, because I didn't think there was anything to stay for."
Jay looks at her guiltily "Erin, I-"
"I made my choice Jay, no one else. But I'm also making the choice to come back home. To come back to you. And I need to know, that if we do this again, it'll be different this time. No running away from each other to avoid our problems. No more trying to do things on our own when we know we're stronger together. No more keeping things from each other. I need to know you're in this with me, all or nothing."
Jay holds her tight, his hand coming up to rest against her cheek "Hey, I'm not going anywhere. You and me, we're in this for the long haul."
Erin smiles as she rubs her hand along her pregnant belly, feeling a sense of joy. Everything was finally falling into place. She and Jay were stronger than ever, they were having a baby together. Her and Olivia were doing some of the most important work she had ever done in her life. Jay had kept his promise. They went through it all together; every up and down, every problem either of them had. They figured it out together.
"We're all in this together. No matter what happens, we're going to help these kids through it all. Today, we make a promise. To stand by them. To be there for them with everything."
"I promise you Erin, this won't be like the last time. I've learnt so much, and I know that I made mistakes. But I'm not willing to lose you again. No matter what happens, I'm going to be honest with you. We're going to help each other through the hard times, and we'll be there for each other with everything. We're in this together, through thick and thin."
Jay smiles as he mouths the words along with her as she stands up on the stage addressing all their friends and family.
"We're in this together. Through thick and thin."
The End
A/N: So, I feel like the ending was a bit cheesy, but I've been working on this for weeks and so the storyline itself is a little lacking in consistency. But I feel satisfied with this ending, it's kind of different than most of the endings I write so I am a little nervous about it.
Leave a review and let me know what you think please!
- Maddie :)