Guilt

Flashback

I bit my lower lip until the irony taste of blood filled my mouth. I almost felt sick with myself, I'd let Xion die. Not only did I let her, it was me who killed her. My best friend….like my sister. And Axel…oh gosh Axel…he looked so sick when he heard about it. Well he didn't hear about it he found me curled up in a ball in a mess of tears. He still doesn't really know what happened. I couldn't tell him. I was honestly afraid he'd hate me. Maybe I knew he wouldn't. But either way there was a hollow feeling welling up in my stomach and it tore through my throat when I choked out sobs. It was sick because I don't even have a heart and I'm not supposed to be able to feel. So I have no idea what this fucking is.

I buried my face into my pillow. Every time I closed my eyes I could see her vibrant blue eyes just before they closed. S...she was smiling. She was happy to go just so…so that idiot brunet could wake up. Sora…Kairi…Riku who the hell decided they got the perfect ending? I mean seriously I'm over here falling apart and he's playing in the sand with his pretty little bitch red head, Kairi. We nobodies aren't entitled to happiness. Happiness is for people with hearts.

In my head I could still hear the sound of key blades clashing together. God Xion why did you leave us? My door creaked open and I looked up into emerald green eyes "axel?"

"Yeah, you okay?" he said in his usual moderate tone as he sat down beside me and folded his hands in his lap.
"No! I'm not okay!" I practically shouted. "I fucking killed our best friend!"

His eyes didn't change in any form or way "Roxas" he said quietly.

"She's dead and never coming back!" I screamed.

"Roxas" he said a little louder.

"Axel just fucking shut up, there's nothing you can say" I heard my voice crack.

He grabbed me roughly by the arm "Roxas, I'm just glad it wasn't you!"

"So it's okay that she's dead is that what you're saying!"

"No, I wish she were here but I'd rather lose her then you"

"Is that you or the organization? She was a doll to you guys she was my best friend" I hissed.

"Roxas how the hell, can you say that? I gave a lot for her and you damn well know it"

Flashback over

All I knew at that moment in time was that I'd probably let Axel down. So I left that night. The one thing I regretted was that id left him after an argument. If that were the last time I would see him the last thing he would remember me saying was "I hate you". Of course I didn't, I loved Axel…more then he realized. Id screamed those ugly words out of hatred…. But not towards axel… I hated myself. I hated myself for doing what I did to xion…. Now I kind of wished I could see him one more time.

Sometimes I thought maybe I could, he wasn't dead or anything but id probably be skinned alive if I ever set foot on the castle grounds again. Ever since I left id been living in Traverse town. Twilight town was a thing of the past…a lot like Axel. From what I hear Sora and Kairi are getting married. I also heard that Riku is supposed to be Sora's best man and is already married with twins himself. The three of them had life easy, it makes me sick.

I walked away from my window and lay down on my bed kicking my shoes off. I wasn't outside much but sometimes it was necessary, every now and then I left to go to the store or to work little side jobs for money. I hoped Axel was living a better life. One not so lonely…then again he Xion and I were destined for misery from the start. I laid my head back and smiled to myself thinking of the time we spent up on the clock tower. Eating sea-salt ice cream….it'll never be the same. We used to laugh at how it tasted both salty and sweet…I went on one date with Olette. We ate that dumb flavor of ice cream and it just tasted bitter. I spit it right out.

Olette's eyes are green….like Axels….but not the same color of emerald his were. I'll never forget his eyes; they seemed to light up whenever he laughed. I could've sworn he had a heart, he used to smile at me and id feel so warm. It almost thought for a second I felt something. Maybe I didn't know what it was but I wanted to feel it more and more every time he looked at me. All the time I've spent away feels wasted.

I hated the blue sky. Really it was just sick how happy everything out there was. My blue eyes drifted away from the window. I wasn't sure how much longer I could take this. I turned over on my side and muttered "I wouldn't even know what to say to him if I saw him again"

"how about you get an apology memorized." A familiar voice resounded from behind me.

I leapt up and stared into the same green eyes I missed so much "how'd you find me' was all I could think to ask.

"Okay, I'm insulted now, that's all? How'd I find you? Can't you just be glad I'm here?"

I just smiled up at him "I'm so glad you're alright"

"Are you? Alright I mean."

I shook my head "I umm….I missed…never mind" I wasn't about to break out into a love confession. I could swear he was staring into whatever form of soul I had. His eyes always seemed to be penetrating mine.

"Roxas, talk if your gonna say something, just say it"

"I'm just sorry I killed her….I'm sorry I left you"

"Roxas" he whispered.

"Yeah?"

"Stop feeling so guilty" he lightly touched his lips to mine. I wrapped my arms around his neck and his tongue slipped into my mouth. If I had a heart itd be racing. Suddenly I didn't feel so lonely; suddenly I wasn't jealous of Sora having such a great life because my life would be just as good as long as Axel was by my side.

Hell, my life might even be better because karma is a real bitch and Sora's good lucks gotta run out sometime. Maybe Kairi will leave him for a chick, ah that'd be funny. Anyway I don't even care, I thought as I felt my back meet the bed, I don't even care.