Disclaimer: JKR's! Honestly, if it was mine, I wouldn't be here now, would I?
A/N: Inspire by Jessie J's song Do It Like A Dude. The idea made me chuckle, so I wrote it down ^-^
"Girls are crap at everything compared to boys." Sirius scoffed, tipping his butterbeer bottle at Lily, "For example, girls get sloshed waaayyy quicker and holding down your drink is an essential part of being young, my dear. You girlies must be missing out on a lot of things in life, what with your ability to fail at everything."
Lily narrowed her eyes. Remus, James and Peter all exchanged nervous glances. Fighting between Sirius and Lily was one thing, but fighting between Sirius and Lily in public – which just happened to be the Three Broomsticks before Halloween, so it was nice and busy – was another.
"The world would crash and burn without women to be there to get things done. Women are far manlier than men." Lily huffed, taking a smug sip of her own butterbeer. James wiped some cream from her lip and sucked it off, making Sirius pretend to gag.
"This argument is invalid." Remus pointed out, cupping his hot chocolate and shifting closer to Sirius to gain more body heat, "Men can be feminine and women can be masculine, therefor either gender has the qualities of both of the sexes."
"Heh, sexes." Peter snickered.
"You're rather feminine, Moony, aren't you?" James asked as he studied Remus as though for the first time. Remus frowned indignantly as Sirius and Lily snorted with laughter.
"He's pretty." Sirius grinned, pinching Remus' cheek and then planting a sloppy kiss there, "But he's not feminine. If I wanted feminine, I wouldn't be gay."
"I understand your reasoning, Black," Lily nodded in a scholar-like fashion that made Remus feel uncomfortable, "But you must admit, he is effeminate."
"I'm sitting right here, guys." Remus grumbled.
"I know." Peter piped up.
"I don't see it." Sirius mumbled at a sharp look from his boyfriend. James exchanged an interested glance with Lily and nodded.
"Prove it, Moonboy." The Headboy smirked, throwing an arm over Lily's shoulders, who was giving Sirius an evil grin Remus somehow missed.
"I go through something more painful than any of you could ever imagine every month," Remus said, lifting his chin as he looked at each of them in the eye, "I face unemployment, stigma, tainting the ones I love, and I do it every day without cracking, without trying to end it all the easy way."
They all stared at him, silent for such a long time that Remus was sure he had won.
"That's nice, Moony," James chuckled, "But instead of waxing lyrical about your furry problems, give us a real reason."
"What?" Remus cried, but then backed down and glanced at Sirius beside him, "Damn."
"We want a reason you're a man," Lily smirked, "Since I can list so many ways you're not. Here, I have a list."
With that, Lily produced a piece of parchment from her robes and handed it to Remus, who read it incredulously.
Reasons Why Remus Lupin Isn't Manly:
Has hour long discussions with girl friends about the hottest actors
Dresses Black in people clothes when he's Padfoot
Can only have a bath if there's lavender scented bubble bath available
Like to talk about emotions
Eats salads
Does aerobics
Asks for directions
Counts food calories
Is suspiciously good with décor
Owns a pair of pink slippers
Likes Mean Girls
Obsessed with chocolate, especially around time of the month
Complains about cleanliness
Watches soap operas
Asks if he looks fat
Can dance
Wears briefs
Uses fruit-scented lotions
Enjoys shopping
Can cook
Remus looked up from the list and regarded the smug girl with raised eyebrow, "I don't want to know why you wrote this list, but I've got a reason to atone to my manliness that will shut you both up about this for good."
Sirius grasped his arm desperately, gazing at him with that puppy-dog look he had down so well. Remus looked away so as to not be swayed in his decision to protect his manliness. "I'll give you a reason neither of you can deny proves my extreme manliness."
"If you don't say it, I'll give you a blowjob!" Sirius said quickly, laying temping kisses along Remus' jaw. The werewolf chuckled as James took his turn to gag, Peter paled and Lily cooed. Remus turned to Sirius and pulled on his hair gently to get him to lean closer.
"You will anyway." He murmured, before pulling back and smiling at Sirius in a way that would seem innocent to onlookers, but was the expression of Beelzebub himself. Sirius huffed and crossed his arms over his chest tightly, as though to protect himself from what he knew was coming.
"Fine!" he cried dramatically, "Tell them! Wash away my dignity with your heartlessness, lover of mine! Oh, woe! Woe is me!"
"Sirius, shut up." Lily snapped, but was unable to hide a smirk, "Rem, tell us."
"The Ultimate Reason For Why I Am Manly is…" Reus trailed off and flashed that rare smile infected with Marauder impishness that he only brought out on special occasions, like when they were discussing their end of school prank. The others – bar Sirius, who was pouting and muttering to himself about misplaced loyalties and which of the towers of Hogwarts was best to throw oneself from – leant forward eagerly. "Between Sirius and I, I am the top."
There was a pause in which James, Lily and Peter all stared at a furiously blushing Sirius, before they burst into laughter. James thumped the table in mirth as he clutched his side. Lily wiped away a tear and pointed at the black haired boy.
"It's true! He is the girl! He's even blushing!" she exclaimed. Sirius turned to Remus with dangerously narrowed eyes. Remus smiled innocently and took his boyfriend's hand, but only received a calculating look in return. Remus didn't like that look at all.
And that is the story of how Remus Lupin didn't get a blowjob for a whole three weeks.