Dreams of Yesteryear
She was standing in a snow covered field as the sun began it's decent against the western sky. As the last light of day illuminated her face with a warm glow she found herself picking anxiously at an invisible thread on the sleeve of her dress. She caught herself in the act and took a deep breath, exhaling as she smoothed her skirt one final time. Her dark hair was pulled neatly into bun. She had spent the afternoon curling it and had run a ribbon through it for a touch of elegance. A few of those curls now spilled out in a way that delicately framed in her face and the nape of her neck. She scanned the field once more, but found no one in sight, not even a silhouette on the horizon. She couldn't help but think herself a fool for even coming.
Abraham had promised in a letter to meet her here when he returned home for Christmas break from New York where he was studying law at the King's College. She had agonized over what to wear all week and spent more time then usual prepping in front of the mirror before leaving to meet him at their secret spot. She had finally settled on a crimson dress, it's only embellishment being the neckline, which was trimmed in lace. Now she was beginning suspect it had all been in vain, for all intent and purpose it appeared as though she had been stood up. Hot tears began to brim in her eyes and she wiped them away furiously.
.o.O.o.
Abraham had stolen a kiss from her on the banks of the river in the early months of summer. They had been sitting with their socks and shoes removed, enjoying the contrast of the cool water that surrounded their feet against the hot humid air that hung around their bodies. She had been under the impression that they were alone when Abe suddenly leaned over and kissed her. Almost immediately hoots and hollers pierced the stunned silence between them, and Caleb and Ben emerged from the woods.
Abe quickly broke off the kiss and twisted around to face the intruders. She too pulled away but not without noticing the passion that had electrified the air between them. She searched Abraham's face briefly to see if he felt it too. She swore she saw a spark flash across his blue eyes as they met hers but then it was gone and Ben and Caleb were upon them. She lowered her eyes and bowed her head to hide her embarrassment.
"Well now, what do we have here?" asked Caleb. He slid easily into a seated position next to Abe, and in one fluid motion he wrapped his arm around the shoulders of his startled friend and pulled him in close. Caleb looked up at Ben; "looks like Abe here lived up to our little wager after all" he teased, waggling his eyebrows up and down.
"A bet?" she asked before Ben could reply. Ben's mouth fell open and Abe looked away. She stood dusting off her dress. "Is that what that was? Some- some- game that the three of you conjured up with at my expense?" She questioned, moving from one face to the next.
"We didn't mean anything by it Anna…" Ben started.
"I see. So what was the bet? Who could kiss me first or was it more than that? Is that what I am then, just some cheap entertainment? Well I hope you had a good laugh. It will be your last." The pink shade of embarrassment that flushed her cheeks a moment before had been replaced with the raw redness of anger. She was seething.
"Anna it's not like that. You see Abe here has this crush on you and well, Ben and I just thought maybe if we dared him to kiss you he would…" Caleb tried desperately to explain.
"Shut up Caleb" Abraham cried out in anger, cutting him off.
She stared long and hard at the three of them as if they had gone mad. Her brown eyes burned with unbridled rage and she could hardly process what Caleb way saying. Here she thought there had been something growing between her and Abe and as it turned out the kiss was just one big joke between boys. She needed to get away before she broke down and cried. Turning on her heel she stormed down the path the led to town.
"Anna!" Abe called after her, but she didn't stop. "Anna, stop!" He pleaded. He ran ahead of her and stopped in her path. A few strands of his dirty blonde hair had come loose and fallen from the short ponytail that the rest was pulled back in. His eyes were wide with something she didn't recognize; fear maybe, but of what she didn't know. His white shirt was unbuttoned at the neck revealing the taunt muscles of his chest, still heaving from his sprint after her.
"Anna…" He started softly.
"Is it true?" She asked, eyes brimming with tears. "What Caleb Brewster said, is it true?"
His eyes met her hardened gaze and he nodded.
Her expression softened and a look of confusion replaced overtook her delicate features.
"Why didn't you just say something?" She asked plainly.
He took a hesitant step towards her. "I didn't know how." He confessed.
"Well then…you could have shown me." She said, her brown eyes staring steadily into his.
Abe's jaw set and he stared back at her before he reached up, and dropping his hand behind the back of her neck he pulled her into him kissing her with all the passion she thought she had felt earlier. Her eyes closed as his lips pressed against hers, a soft but firm confirmation of all that she had felt building between them over the long spring. There was certainly no mistaking it now.
A low whistle came from the shoreline of the river and they broke apart. Caleb was standing with his fingers still in his mouth and Ben was trying to look everywhere but in their direction. "Shut up Caleb!" They both yelled in unison and with matching smiles.
"Is that anyway to thank a person?" Caleb retorted. Ben laughed shaking his head and turned away with Caleb following happily after him. The two friends departed up the bank of the river, though their forms were soon lost to the forest undergrowth and tree, Caleb's booming voice could still be heard in the distance. "Well that's one down, now lets see about finding a girl for you. What do you say Benny-boy? There was a splash followed by more laughter before the two voices finally faded away.
.o.O.o.
Abraham watched them go with his hands on his hips before turning back towards her with a shy smile. She smiled back at him and he took her hand in his. "Come on, I want to show you something," he said. They had walked hand in hand until they came to the same field that she was standing in now. "I know it doesn't look like much, but some day…" He started. He proceeded to tell her about his dreams to go to law school before returning to Setauket and building a home on this piece of land.
He walked her through where the house would stand, and mapped out every room and the foundation. It would be a modest house, but it would be all his, built from the ground up by his own hands. She watched his face light up as his dreams poured out of him and he smiled when he saw that she was hanging on his every word. She had known him since childhood, but now a man stood in the place of the boy that she had grown alongside all these years. She had noticed small changes here and there of course as time transformed them both, but they now seemed pronounced as she stood before him with all these promising dreams.
"I think it's a beautiful house Abe." She said, smiling back at him.
"Well, it's not much to look at." He joked, moving to stand alongside her in what would be the "foyer" of the house. "
She let out a surprised laugh at his sudden sense of humor. "And will there be a woman's touch to this house?" She asked.
"That…remains to be seen." He said with a smile. He leaned in and gently brushed a lock of hair from her brow before kissing her on the forehead. "But I certainly hope so." He whispered in her ear.
.o.O.o.
The rest of the summer passed by all too quickly, and their fondness only seemed to grow with each passing month. Soon they were inseparable, much to the delight of Caleb who regularly teased them about his impeccable match making skills. But as summer turned to autumn her apprehension began to grow. Soon Abraham would be going off to college and she would remain here, in Setauket. What if she couldn't compare to the girls of New York she wondered out loud once as they lay on a blanket in a field of lavender. Abe of course vehemently rejected the idea and promised to write often in-between visits home.
As promised the first letter had arrived within a week of his departure. It described the dormitory, his classes, New York, and concluded with how much he missed her. From there the letters arrived regularly, each one declaring his growing affections for her. The final letter before he was to return home for Christmas break instructed her to meet him at "their spot" which had now become their title for the land he intended to purchase upon finishing college. He had something he wanted to tell her and he wanted to meet somewhere they could be alone.
Now as she stood in the darkening field her mind raced to what that could be. Perhaps he had met someone else after all, and was too afraid to tell her. Or maybe he had fallen for New York and Setauket had lost its appeal. She pulled her hooded winter cape around her tighter and hugged her arms close to her body as if to physically comfort her self from the growing dread. With a defeated stance she began to walk back in the direction of her home. As she walked she chided herself for believing that there could have ever been anything more than a passionate summer between her and Abe. Try as she might however, she was unable to convince herself that was all that it was. For her it had been so much more, and a fear that she would never love another man again in the way that she loved him began to creep into the deepest parts of her heart.
"Anna?" a familiar voice from behind interrupted her thoughts.
She turned and saw Abraham's face, red from the cold staring at her intently. "Abe! I was beginning you weren't coming." She said surprised.
"I'm sorry, I was tied up in New York longer than expected." He explained.
"Well, here we are." She said, taking a step closer to close the gap between the two of them. "You wanted to tell me something, privately?"
He nodded, and took a step back. She recoiled at the sudden distance he put between them and the nervous energy he was exuding. Her fears, she realized, were being confirmed right before her eyes and he didn't have to say a thing. She looked down, as if avoiding his eyes would somehow save her from the inevitable heartbreak. "Abraham, you don't have to say anything. I…I understand." She told him softly.
Abe's brows knit together and a look of confusion overcame his sharp features. She blinked away the tears that threatened to fall and looked up, taking in what she suspected would be their final intimate moment. His eyes were bright and shining. His hair was tied back with a black ribbon that was tied neatly in a bow at the back of his head, and every hair was in place. He was clean-shaven, and dressed in black riding boots, black slacks, and a gold-buttoned vest. Over the vest he wore a knee length wool coat and a white neck-cloth was tied securely around his neck. He too had taken his time choosing his attire for this occasion and he certainly looked the part of a fine New York gentleman.
"Well ah, it's more of a question then a statement." He said, smiling at her gently.
"Oh?" She looked at him quizzically now.
"I was wondering if…" He trailed off, offering her only a nervous smile instead. "Well, I was wondering." He looked pained and turned away, bowing his head and placing his hands on his hips.
She took a step closer to him, confused and scared at the same time.
"Abraham, what is it?" She pleaded.
She heard him gasp as he filled his lungs with a deep breath. Suddenly he turned to face her with a determined look she hadn't seen before.
"Anna Nancy Smith. Will you marry me?" He asked bending down on one knee he knelt on the snowy path. Reaching into his coat pocket he produced a small box. With trembling hands he opened the box that held a petite gold band that gave way to a woven top with a small solitary diamond centered in the middle of it.
Her heart leapt at the sudden turn of events. Here she had been preparing for a break off and now kneeling before her was the man she had grown upalongside and come to love more than anything. Tears of joy sprang to her eyes and her hands flew to her cover her mouth in surprise.
"I know it's not much, Anna. But…" He started to say.
"Yes!" She interrupted. "I accept." She cried while laughing at the same time.
He rose, smiling, and pulled her into an embrace. "Good." He said with a sigh. "I don't know what I would have done if you hadn't said yes." He slipped the ring onto her finger and sealed his intentions with a kiss. In that moment as the December air whipped up around them, she never felt so alive, and she kissed him back.
.o.O.o.
She awoke with tearstains on her cheeks. She had been dreaming again. It was the same cruel dream that haunted her night after night. She wiped the tears from her cheeks with a sigh and sat up bringing her feet to the floor of her tent. She welcomed the cold that bit at her bare skin as it chased away the lingering warmth of memories long past and brought her back to the reality of her situation. Stretching both arms away from her body she tilted her head up towards the ceiling with a deep inhale.
The reality was she was awaking alone in the dead of night to a single cot in the tent of a deceased man in a camp far from home. Though in truth she could hardly stand to think of Setauket in that way anymore. Setauket was now just a place of indescribable loss tainted with haunting memories of the joy that had once filled her yesteryears. She stood as new tears welled up and threated to spill over. Before the first of them could fall she quickly crossed the short distance to the former occupant's desk.
Sniffling she lit an oil lamp and a dim light spilled over the desk, illuminating the tent with a soft glow. Rather than succumb to her tears she pulled a heavy robe over her linen nightdress. She sat on the edge of her bed and placed thick white stockings on her feet, and she set about tiding the tent, just as she had a thousand times before on nights when she couldn't sleep. But on this night it brought her little comfort. The dream had been just a little too real and the memory of Abe's kiss still stung on her lips.
Restless, Anna grabbed her cloak from where it hung on a coat rack in the corner of her tent and slipped black leather shoes bearing simple buckles onto her feet. Pulling the hood of her cloak over her head she set out into the cool night air. She didn't know where she was going but she couldn't stand to sit any longer in the tent with her bittersweet memories.
Glancing up at the sky as she exited she found the stars brightly illuminated against a darkened sky. She walked the camp, which was mostly silent except for the sounds of sleeping men, which occasionally broke the stillness of the night. Unsure of where she was going she wandered aimlessly amongst the dark tents until she came across one that was still yet illuminated.
.o.O.o.
Benjamin Tallmadge sat hunched over his desk poring over the latest intelligent report. His eyes strained against the candlelight and the muscles in his neck and shoulders ached from having remained in the same position for far too long. He stifled a yawn as he stood, arching his back and clasping his hands together as he stretched them over his head in an effort to combat the stiffness. Admittedly he was no longer retaining any of the information he was reading; his mind was tired and it longed for sleep.
He stood and began to remove his royal blue uniform jacket, pausing with a wince as a flash of pain crossed his abdomen, a reminder of a wound not yet fully healed. Slender fingers of his right hand reached to his ailing side while the left grasped the desk chair in front of him. He closed his eyes against the pain, waiting for it to subside.
Outside, the crunch of gravel suddenly awakened his dull, sleep-deprived senses and he felt the familiar surge of adrenaline course though his body. His muscles tensed and readied themselves to wage against the threat of a potential intruder. The hand that had been holding his abdomen a moment before drifted to the handle of his sword, as though it were second nature. Turning his body towards the sound he prepared for the worst.
"Ben?" A familiar voice called from just outside his tent.
o.O.o.
She sat on his cot while Ben peered at her from where he sat perched on the corner of his desk. His brows were furrowed, and his eyes were a mix of exhaustion and mild curiosity as he waited patiently for her to speak. She took a long look at his face. Dark circles were highlighted against pale skin, and there was something different in his eyes, something that hadn't been there before the war. It was a weariness that she doubted sleep would erase. She wondered if her eyes held that same look, and if so, if it would ever really go away.
This war had brought them both to places they had never imagined. She remembered how his eyes had lit up when he talked of becoming a schoolteacher, and maybe even a schoolmaster one day. Born a life long learner, he longed to bend young minds and pour into them all he had to offer. He believed with all of his heart that the future was in the hands of the generation to come, and he desperately wanted to be a part of it.
She had admired his passion and shared in the sentiment; though she had ideas of her own for how she would contribute to the future. Following her engagement to Abe her thoughts had turned to the making of a home and family. It was a simple and humble dream, and looking back now it seemed so very distant. Not unlike Ben's own dreams she suspected. Yet here they stood, at the forefront of the future of the nation, each of them making history in their own way. Her heart swelled with pride in knowing that in the end, she had stood up for what was right, but even that knowledge could not erase the pain that came with the cost of doing so.
Fresh tears sprang to her eyes when she thought about those costs, and they did not go unnoticed. Without a word Ben moved from the desk to her side on the cot and placed a gentle hand on her thigh. The touch ignited the raw pain of loosing everything and she desperately tried choking back a sob as the tears began to flow. He wrapped his arms around her, holding her close. His scent reminded her of home as she nestled into the familiarity of his shoulder and wept for the loss of yesteryears, and for all the hopes and dreams and promises that never came to be.
.o.O.o.
When her sobs had subsided she lifted her head from his shoulder and sheepishly wiped her tears away between sniffs.
"I'm so sorry. I know you must far greater troubles of your own without me coming in here and unburdening all of mine." She apologized.
Ben shook his head. "I should be the one to apologize, Anna. I wasn't aware of what had happened between you and Abe, or how bad things had gotten in Setauket, or about Major…Hewlett." He hesitated when speaking the name of the enemy Major and over the thought of Anna's near marriage to him that came with it. There was a part of him that was sympathetic and understanding to what she had tried to accomplish with the unity, but there was another part of him that could only imagine about how well that would have gone over with General Washington. Thankfully, it hadn't come to that. "I wasn't aware of…" His paused, his eyes widening ever so slightly as the enormity of everything that Anna had told him set in. "Well, any of it…" He trailed off before glancing up at her.
Anna was staring down at her lap, feeling the guilt of having not been more forthcoming. Slowly she raised her eyes to meet his expecting to see disappointment, maybe even anger, resonating within them. Instead she was greeted with only a sad and mutual understanding. She realized in that moment that they were all paying the cost of this war in their own unique and equally heartbreaking ways. Ben's body was still healing from the physical wounds he had obtained, Caleb bore the pain of witnessing the execution of his uncle and the closest thing he had ever had to a father, and Abe carried with him the guilt of his brother's death and the life altering decision had in turn taken everything from him.
Her heart ached with the heaviness as the weight of that realization sunk in, and yet she couldn't be more proud. Despite the enormous costs each one of them had experienced, they continued to fight for the better tomorrow that they all believed in. A sort of peace settled into her, and she suddenly knew that no matter what happened, everything was going to be all right. Her chest swelled as she inhaled deeply through her nose and with a determined exhale she pushed the breath out of her body. Ben smiled gently when he sensed the change in her demeanor and in spite of everything she found herself smiling back.
She suddenly stood and he stood too and his head tilted ever so slightly at the sudden shift in mood. She saw that he was regarding her carefully though he asked for no explanation. "You must think I've gone mad." She said rolling her eyes with exasperation at her emotional outburst. He shook his head. "No," he said softly. "I'm sorry things didn't work out the way you intended them too." Her brows knotted together, and she looked down while nodding. "Me too." She said.
Looking up she met his gaze. "I just…" She paused, searching for the right words to explain the weight that had suddenly be lifted. "I've been torn in every direction, and in the end no matter which way I turned it lead to loss after loss, from Abe, to Selah, to my home, my friends, and even my dignity. And I've been carrying those losses with me for so very long, I just needed someone to listen, for once, instead of telling me how to think or what to do, so that I could get it all out, so that I could move on with…with my life." She said with a sad smile. "So, thank-you, Ben. For everything."
He nodded and offered her a parting embrace. She kissed him gently on the cheek and turned to head back to her tent. The early morning sky held in it a ribbon of light, and she welcomed the new day with a fresh take on things. Gone were the burdens of her heart, and in their place, hope. She did not know what the future held, but she knew she no longer faced it alone but amongst friends, in a camp, so very far from home.